It's been awhile

[Ronda8899]

Hey all. I know I disappeared for awhile. I was doing good with NA and thought I got it down. I was clean for a bit then I would use again. That cycle continues to happen. Right now I am so not into NA or even wanting to hear about it. I understand it has helped so many people and I respect that and I'm so happy for the people it has helped. However I find that I did so much better getting off them before by myself than with NA. I need support and not just people telling me to pick up a book or go to a meeting or talk to my sponsor. I was sexually assaulted recently and that spiraled me back into the addiction. Within the next few days I am going to be going through withdrawal again and once again going to stop. I got books to read. Games to play. Finding lots of positive distractions. I know each time I've come off these it's been worse than the last and I know I went higher than I had wanted to. It's going to be hell for a bit. I don't really know what I'm looking for. I just know that when I was talking to people on here and trying to get clean before it was really helping. I'm hoping that this time I can kick it for good. I'm sick of this back and forth stuff so much. I'm sick of all the bad stuff happening to me because of a pill. My goal is to be completely clean and not even going through withdrawals by Christmas. I want to bring the new year in clean and have a new me. Like I sai I don't really know what I'm looking for on here but I still read all the posts and really felt the need to post one myself. Thanks for anyone that's reading.

[gnarly_1]

He hey Ronda.....so your having a problem getting out......this is your disease talking  it loves to isolate us  recovery is a ''we'' thing not a ''I thing  force yourself  to go to meetings...if you can try to do the 90 meetings in 90 days  this way the people will get to know you and you them  I have made many great friends in the fellowship and you will to  as always where here for you keep posting for support........Gnarly

[gnarly_1]

Hey Ronda  just checking in on you....so your having trouble getting out   this is a normal part of this disease...it loves to isolate us  recovery is a ''we'' thing not a ''I'' thing so force yourself to go to meetings it is always tuff the first few weeks but it does get better with time  if you can do what I did and do the 90 meeting in 90 day  you will get to know the people and them you  I have made many great friends in the progam and so will you  N/a is the only progam that I know of that with time and working the steps you will loose the very desire to use....something I thought was impossible  just know if it works for a old dope fiend like me it will work for anyone  keep posting for support..........Gnarly......................

[murphy667]

ronda, talk to me. how you? send me a message, k? let's exchange words, no matter their quality or connotation. XO

[murphy667]

hi. how goes it? hey ronda, guess what? your dogs LOVE you, your cats LERV you, and you are GOING TO BE OK. and when you are better, the lives of all around you will also be better, and that is a good reason to keep going, to feel this in its entirety, and then be DONE with it. and one day, you will be talking to your dog, and you will say, 'remember that one time...?' and he will say, 'yeah, that was silly, sooo glad it's in the distant past. where's the tennis ball, mom?' and you will play, and be happy.

[Ronda8899]

I actually love that quote. No unfortunately there's no way I can get out of it. It's with my mother and it's been planned for months. She doesn't know I relapsed just thinks I have a cold. I can't let her down. That would make me feel worse than the withdrawals.

[murphy667]

what concert do you have saturday? and is it at all possible to get out of it? i just think that having that responsibility off your shoulders might help a lot. i have had plans for weeks now, to spend NYEve with folks in the mountains. i just informed them that i will not be going, just not feeling well and need to rest. some are disappointed, and it will change the plans of some people, but in the grand scheme of things, they will get over it and I NEED TO DO THIS.

ronda, yes, you can do this. in fact, you HAVE done it for days now, and are so very close to turning the corner. be very curious about what's next, bc it really will be better and worth all of what you have been through. have you ever heard of Frankl and logotherapy? just a school of thought that says, if we can make our suffering meaningful then it  will be tolerable. i wish you deep meaning, lady.

[Ronda8899]

Thank you. Just hearing anyone say anything helps. Just having a horrible time this time around. Maybe because this time I know it's for good. All the other times I always had a backup plan and knew I could go back if it got to bad. Which I always did.

[murphy667]

R -- I don't know what else to say except, you really can do this.

[Ronda8899]

Everyday I just feel like I'm not going to make it to the next day. Feels like my mind and body are shutting down on me. Feels like I can't even make it to the next minute let alone a day. I don't know if it's my mind playing trick on me trying to get me to cave in or what. Either way I can't stand it.

[Ronda8899]

I feel like if I still feel like this I don't know how to get out of the house and do anything.

[VICourageous]

Also..Getting out and doing something really does help!

[dominosarah]

Take some deep breaths, you will get thru this.  You are almost thru the roughest part so hang tight.  You dont have to be a prisoner anymore to these pills~

[Ronda8899]

So I'm going on like four hours sleep. Usually I can at least sleep through this but because of the coughing it's just not happening. I'm having mood swings and cravings like terrible. Still got the sweating. Major pain. Seriously don't know how I'm going to keep doing this. I feel like there's no end in sight. Tomorrow I have to leave my house and go to my parents. Saturday I have to go to a concert. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I have so much anxiety about that and everything else.

[Ronda8899]

Everything your feeling I'm feeling also. When I wake up it will be day 3 for me. That's usually the worst day but I'm hoping not because yesterday and today were horrific for me. I'm hoping so badly it will be just a little better.

[murphy667]

my grasp aint so tight, but i remind myself over and over and over, time passes normally but my perception of it is not normal. either way, i have4-7 days of feeling like hell, can't think straight, can hardly move at all. but it will get better. it has too - nothing is this bad.

[Ronda8899]

You seem to have a better grasp on this than I do so seriously good for you. I feel out of control like my mind just won't rest thinking of what I'm going through and will be going through.

[murphy667]

yeah, not a great day here either. just so....cold. but i think we will both make it to tomorrow, and then the next one. i just try to focus on getting through this one. i do hope you are doing ok

[Ronda8899]

Today is terrible. Not sure anything I'm doing is even helping. Don't know how to get from one day to the next. I would sign up and you can send people private messages and just make your own thread of you want.

[murphy667]

Ronda -- how goes it? i am in a similar situation, just started this hell yesterday. i would love to corresponde with you a little, others as well. i am new here, unsure how to engage really. i think i will try signing up....

[Ronda8899]

Today is my second day. I honestly didn't think I was going to make it through the night. The coughing was terrible which of course made me keep throwing up. The sweating was terrible. Pain like I can't even describe. And because I was taking these for real pain it's even worse. Anxiety and panic. I don't even think I can list everything. New Year's Eve I have to be able to leave the house it's very important that I do. And on Saturday I have a concert I need to go to with my mom as its been planned for months. I don't know how I'm going to do these things. I know I'm supposed to take things one day at a time an one thing at a time but right now that seems impossible. I don't know how to keep making it to the next day when I don't want to keep dealing with this.

[gnarly_1]

Hi Ronda.........well by now your in the jaws of it...just keep telling yourself ''you just got to be ok without being ok for a wile''  this to shall pass.....get yourself to a meeting you can use the support keep posting for support where all here for you............Gnarly

[Ronda8899]

Today is my first day withdrawing off of more than I have ever taken before. I feel like death. I keep wanting to ask when this will end but I already know the answer. I got all my vitamins, Epsom salts, heating blanket, Imodium, everything I need. It doesn't seem to be helping today though. And the cough omg the cough. Whenever I come off these I end up coughing for hours at night while throwing up every minute because of the cough. Nothing seems to stop it.

[dominosarah]

It is time to face those demons so am glad to hear you will be making some calls.  You can do this~

[Ronda8899]

Not sure why my post came out looking like that. I've been taking a lot recently to get through the holidays. Tomorrow I'm only taking what's essential to not be sick on Christmas. After that I'm going to try and take none at all as I've really messed up how many I've taken. I just know this has to be done. My boyfriend is ready to leave me over this and I feel so ashamed and so much guilt. It's just so much easier than to deal with the emotional part of being sexually assaulted. I did go back to NA and I finally found some resources about rape and sexual abuse help. Just have to wait until after the holidays to make some calls and get in. Like I said if I don't do this now I don't know what I'm going to lose. I'm in a bad spot and just want to be done.

Merry Christmas everyone. Thank you for all the support and I hope everyone is having a safe and happy holiday.