Just getting started.

[hanalovebaby]

My real father went to prison when I was about 11/12 and was sentenced to life w/o parole, and that's when I first started to abuse Benadryl and NyQuill. I feel as though this is nothing compared to most of you...and I really am sorry for what you all are going through..but just hear my story..? I don't want to end up an addict. My father was a heavy user, and I'm afraid he passed his ways onto me. I have two older brothers, I'm not sure if they have the same issues I do, but I don't think they do..I used to cut for a vice, and it still tugs at me when I get very sad or upset about something. But about three months ago I was given an Ambien to help me sleep, and I feel like when I am on those, nothing/no one can hurt me. I love it. And I have recently been lying to get more of them, saying "oh...I'm having bad pains...please..?" and I get one. I dont like it because I know i already want it as my new vice for running away from problems. I care way to much about the people close to me, an worry constantly about them, and about our relationship. I feel like I'm not good enough sometimes, and that they'd be happier without me. And then I get sad, and then I take an Ambien or a vicodin etc etc..
I know I have an addictive personality with things like this. And I understand the concequences, and what I'm doing if I get addicted not only to myself but to the people who care. So how do I stop?? It's really scary to think about not having anyone or anything to help me when I get sad. I can't talk to anyone about my problems. I've tried..but it always gets worse. I've already been on medication for depression and that did not go over well. So what do I do? I feel like my only other place to go to is towards the pills, take one and lay down and let go.
I know I'm young, and that I don't even begin to comprehend what most of you go through every day. But...I don't want to sound horribly rude at all..so please do t take it that way but...I don't want to end up spending my days hurting and leaning on these pills for happiness..I watched my dad drink himself half way to hell and then take 4/5 sleeping pills, at 4-7 years old I took care of him when I could..so Ive seen what this does to people...I just want to know how to stop now..and I want to know from you all. Not just the people I talk to..because I already know what they'll say....I'm scared that if I don't quit now I never will.
And in regards to your addiction & recovery, I hope and pray for all of you. From the bottom of my heart. I wish I could help every person that I read about on here. It breaks my heart to hear of people in such pain, but everything happens for some reason in life in my opinion..I'm sorry if I sound very naive and dumb to most of you, I don't mean to bring offense. But I'm sure that everything will work out for the best in the end, and I wish you all the same because you deserve it. Everyone deserves chances.
Anyways..please give me your thoughts if you have any at all..? I'd just really appreciate it. Thank you

[hanalovebaby]

You take care as well, I hope you can live the rest of your life happily and worry/pain free.
-hana

[sudie58]

no, dont be sorry, its good you can open up, bless you, i seem to have lived a life very much like yours, but i kept on with self help, and that wasnt any good at all. just papering over the cracks, i really hope you do quit, i am now in my 50s and have been off everything for quite a while. dont leave it so long, you really do deserve more, life hasnt dealt you a good card, but you can make it good! take care,   sudie

[hanalovebaby]

We all have had a rough time it seems..it gets really hard sometime to think about the past. An I can never really get away from it. I'm so sorry to hear that...I can only begin to try to understand..but I will listen if you need someone. And yes..drinking/drugs don't help whatsoever, they only seem like a way out but they're just like quick sand.
And me too..I'm already hooked on it quite a lot. I don't neseccarily "need" it yet but I do want it a lot. I don't like counseling..the only times I've ever gone they told everyone what I asked them to keep between me and them. They ruined my life plenty of times. And I don't even remember how many I've seen, perhaps 6 at the most gladly..and, I don't want to put my parents through all of it. Therapies and whatnot...it'd cost to much money wise as well as emotional wise for my mother.
I wish you had gotten the help you needed as well..and I'm so sorry you weren't able to..but there's still hope. (:
And yes, I know being my age and dealing with all of this now is a plus, and I am happy for that. I've recently started to learn more and more things about my past (I don't remember much..) and it seems as though I'm a magnet to the wrong type of people who come at me with sick intentions. I feel like because it happened then, it put a big sign on my back that says "Hey, I can't say no to you! I'm weak!!" and they just rush me. And Ive also found I have an abandonment complex..that's really hard to deal with as well...sorry for telling you my life story! I just don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff..
But, yes I will try to not let it ruin my future! (:
Thank you very much, god bless you as well.

[sudie58]

hi and welcome, you really have had a very tough time, it was my past that led me to try and escape through drugs and drink, but of course it doesnt work, just end up in more pain.i worry about you taking ambiem, its hard to get off, along with other meds obviously, have you tried counselin, talking therapies, AA/NA is also good for support and understanding.
you are young and that is a bonus, i should have got help a lot sooner than i did, please dont let your past ruin your future,we are here for you, keep posting, god bless.