My boyfriend has been actively using crack for almost 2 years now. He started when his wife left him for another man. He was distraught and began using as a way to "escape." We've been dating for a year and a half. I didn't know he was an addict until about 3 months into our relationship, when I walked in on him using. Curiosity got the best of me, and I tried it to see what he was feeling, and I became hooked for a few months. Finally, something clicked inside of me, and now it repulses me. When I see it, I get the jitters and I want it again, but that "something" keeps me repulsed and away from it. It was something we did together and it actually brought us closer. We spent several nights talking for HOURS, revealing our deepest secrets, uninhibited by the drug. Now, it's something we fight over and he does alone. He is court ordered to wear a sweat patch, he lost visitation with his kids because he repeatedly failed tests. His friends, family and myself are all doing everything we can to help him, and to help him get his kids back, but he just won't stop.
Tonight, I had had enough. I heard the garage door open and close, but he didn't come in. I went to check on him, and he was sitting in his car smoking. I just lost it, I went and took it all from him. He came in begging for it, I of course refused to give it back. I left because he wouldn't stop nagging me, and when I came back, he had torn apart my closet, and he found it. I grabbed it and flushed it.
I left my husband because he abused me. I have ALWAYS felt safe with my love, until tonight when he FLIPPED about me taking it, flushing it, and hiding his key to keep him from getting more. I was scared of him.
I am so lost. My 3 year old and I live with him. I have nothing of my own, and am trapped. I don't really want to leave him anyway, I just don't want to go on hurting like this. Always feeling not good enough, ashamed of him, and now... scared of him.
What do I do? How can I get him to change his ways. My leaving him would devastate me AND my daughter, who of course thinks he's nothing shy of perfect.
I love this man... I WANT to save him. How can I make it "click" with him like it did for me?