Lost but looking for me again...

[littlegirlinbigworld]

Ok so here I go...Ive been lurking for months!  Even feel like I know many of yall! (yes, I'm from the south...lol). I am starting day 1 without any Norco!  Been taking up to 20 a day for the past 6 months. I have been taking the demon pills for about 2 years!  I can't do this anymore. I started with real pain from my husband (now exhusband) pushing me out the window of our house!  I kept taking the pills to deal with the emotional pain of my shattered life. I have 2 awesome kids who deserve ME back!  So here I am, have not taken any today and won't take any. I have 5 in my nightstand that I keep yelling at. I won't take them as I hate them!  I figure if I can't quit with them right in front of me then I can't quit!  They are everywhere in this little town. I am a single mom of 2, a cancer survivor, and a good person so I know I am better than these stupid pills!  I am doing this alone so I need all the help, encouragement and honesty that yall can possibly give me!  My name says little girl but that is my size not my age!  I am 38 years young and weigh less than 100 pounds. I am naturally small as I eat everything but I know 20 norcos a day is way too much for this little body. I dont want to die!  I want me back!  Can yall help me find me?

[FourJays]

You make me laugh out loud (better than crying again, right?).  I'm glad you threw away the pills too.  I  don't know how long it takes before a person should be able to say "no" if offered a pill.  I'm sure it's different for everyone; to be honest it would still be hard for me.  I just make sure I am NEVER in the situation.  ALL of my sources have been cut.  My doctor knows, my family knows, everyone knows.  Aftercare IS huge and what qualifies as such is different for everyone.  IMO your support group is definitely a source of aftercare, as would be seeing a counselor.  The type and amount needed varies by individual.  The Walmart story is hilarious - your 14 year old has got your number girl.  See, she went and grew up on you there a little while you were distracted by the pills - aren't you glad you wont miss another minute of it?  Your appetite will come back.  It's only been 5 days and I'm sure the flu is a big part of this too.  The fact that food is sounding good to you is a good sign I think.  Just make sure that you keep up the Boost, and other fluids until you can get some "real" food in you.  Maybe try with something small, like crackers or toast; and then go from there.  You can write a novel any time - no one is complaining.  Have a great night - keep it up and keep feeling better :)

[littlegirlinbigworld]

Julie, thanks so much!  I could never repay you for all the support and for believing in me!  I really didn't know if I was ready but when everyone starting pulling for me then I just ran with it!  I dont feel great yet but I do feel great that I am doing it. Does that make sense?  I gotta say that yall were all right about getting rid of the 5 pills that I had. I really thought I needed them here just to prove it to myself but I think I would have taken them before the 100 hour mark!  I am so glad that they are not in a place that I can get them!  I dont think I am strong enough to not accept one if it was offered tho. Is that normal?  Do you ever get to where you can say no or am I already supposed to feel that strong?  I know I won't go searching for them tho.
I hear everyone say that aftercare is huge. I know once the depression starts creeping in that aftercare will be my best friend. I just wasn't sure if the recovery group is considered aftercare. It consists of all addictions from alcohol to shopping. I would like to start seeing a counselor once I go back to work and get insurance as I haven't dated in 2 years and think I need one on one help before I take that step!  The funny thing is that the pills have been the love of my life. I haven't even thought about a man since I found the pills. And I was at WalMart today and some guy walked by, he wasn't the best looking but boy did he smell good and I started following him around the store!  My 14 year old daughter said, watch out!  Momma is back!  I just died laughing!  LOL!  I knew the pills took away the hurt and sadness but never realized they took away my laughter!  I laughed so hard at her comment that I actually snorted in WalMart!  
So what about my appetite?  Will it come back?  I usually always eat when I am sick, might be all junk food but I eat so I figure that part is withdrawals!  
I have to quit posting because I try to just say thank you and I end up writing you a novel and I do all this on my phone!  Lol. Sorry for the novel and thank you for being you!

[FourJays]

Sissy-

I don't even know what to say - I feel so proud of you it makes me get all choked up.  And now that's twice you have done it to me in 5 days - and didn't I already say I'm NOT a crier, dang it!!!!

I am SO happy to hear you are feeling better.  In my opinion the meeting decision is up to you; there are no "rules" here.  Whatever it takes to make YOU feel confident with your sobriety and get the support you need.  Have you looked in to where any are held in your area?  You could always go and check one out.  If it's not for you then just stay with the 3 times a week group and see where it goes from there.  The really great thing is that you HAVE already become part of a group in just these 5 days.  And don't worry about the "pretty crying", I think that's a just for TV thing anyway; I mean who looks "good" with red, swollen eyes and nose and . . well, you probably do  :)

Keep it up . . . you are quite an inspiration!

Julie

[littlegirlinbigworld]

Thanks Paige. I will be saying the same to you soon!  I believe in you!  I really think the flu has helped me because I know that if I did take a pill then I still wouldn't feel better so it has helped. Kinda crazy but it works for me!

[knaankj]

sissy.......you ROCK!!! that is all i have to say my new friend!! Congrats on 120 hours clean!!
Paige

[littlegirlinbigworld]

Hey y'all!  I am gonna brag for one second...I am coming up on 120 hours clean. I know it's 5 days but 120 sounds better!  Lol. Ok. No more bragging. Im feeling a little better from this flu/withdrawal!  Have no energy and a low grade fever but better. I wore my little white surgical mask and went to recovery again. I still can't get the nerve to talk tho. I tried tonight but it went like this...Hi.  I'm Sissy and i am an addict then all i could do was cry. Not the pretty, innocent, feel sorry for me cry but the blubbering, ugly face, snotty nose, can't breath cry. Will i ever be able to talk about this or will i always look like a crazy woman?

I still haven't managed food so am sticking with Propel and Boost. Im starving but nothing sounds good to me. I sure hope i get past this because i am ready for a big steak, loaded baked rater, fried okra and sweet tea!  Geez that sounds so good!  

My other question is do i also need to go to NA or AA if i am already attending the recovery group?  I plan on going 3 nights a week. What do yall think?