Slowly Waking Up!!!!!!

[justneedtotalk]

Well.....This is the second week without Methadone and first whole week without Hydro's!  I had a touch and go weekend but did rather well considering.  I actually got out of the house a bit and went fishing.  I also took my daughter to my sisters house for a b-day party which took all I had to maintain in public. I by no means am anywhere near 100% but I am definitely starting to feel better than the past two weeks.  I am slowly starting to come out of the opiate fog of chomping at the bit to get a pill.  My main goal of this process is to get to the point where I was happy and anxious to get my chores done on the pill while not being on them.  I am an extremely active person and have a busy life.  I need my energy levels back.....and quickly!  It is getting better faster than I expected though.  It is a great thought to even feel a glimer of "possitive attitude" without the pills every once in a while.  I had a few moments where I was actually happy and had an overwhelming feeling of contentment.  Trust me, it was short lived but it actually gave me some hope.  Like everyone going through this that feeling of hopelessness is probably one of the worst side effects outside of the physical affects.  I am still struggling with sleep and still have a lack of energy, motivation, and have some bouts of anxiety but compared to last week I am a lot better off.  I truly honestly think that I am going to make it this time.  My sources have truly dried up all except for one which is a once a month small hook up.  I am going to have a talk with him here soon and tell him that I do not need them anymore.  He is a friend that is not aware of my situation so this is going to be a little awkward.  I am still sneezing all of the time and if I could get some decent sleep I think I would feel a lot better.  I have been taking about 4-5 melatonin pills at night which help a little but not enough to allow for a full night sleep.

When you start to wake up from the fog of opiate addiction it is a humbling experience to look back at the desperate situations that you put yourself into to get this drug.  I never lowered myself to anything illegal because I have the financial ability to buy as many as I would like but trying to get new sources is where I probably went too far.  I live in a smaller town and could not go to the doctors without raising suspicion.  It amazes me how easy it is to get into a routine of trying to procure pills.  I hated the fact that I spent a lot of mental energy trying to hook up all the time and how I feared running out.  I constantly would have lapses in supply so I was constantly going through mini-withdrawals until I found some more.  I am not going through that anymore.  I have a great family and a great career and need to live life sober!  I read some of the other posts from people that have 60-90 days of sobriety and I wonder how they are feeling physically and mentally.  I cannot wait to get there myself and put this phase of my life behind me.  I am still battling with some depression and lack of energy but like I said earlier it is getting better slowly......Thanks for reading and all comments are greatly appreciated!!!

[justneedtotalk]

Thanks for the support.....It is nice to write your thoughts down and share them with others.  I very much look forward to documenting my experience.  It makes me stronger and helps with my resolve to read earlier posts and see how miserable I was.  So quickly do addicts forget how difficult this process is and was....This is why relaspes are so prevelent....Again, thank you for the kind words and with any luck I am going to attempt to exercise today!  Wish me luck!

[laurel453]

Wow... this is a very good journal of this journey of us... i understand what you are going and your wishes for the future so well....step by step you will reach your goal, keep being that positive and work on your recovery.... aftercare, ...things are much easier ...i am glad that you are feeling better and wish you the best from now on... the lack of energy, motivation, sleep take quite some time to recover but...it is just a matter of time so hang in and congrats on your clean time :)