My husband: substance abuse question

[Alisa2014]

Dear All,

I am so thankful for this community. It is truly wonderful. I have been married to my husband for 3.5 years. We have a 2 year old boy together. I will try and be as impartial as possible. Where to begin? My husband and I have been together for a long time. Approximately 15 years. Looking back, we have always had a victim-rescuer relationship. My husband is the victim and I was the rescuer. This dynamic persisted for a long, long time. Something happened after my son was born. He is truly the best gift given to me in my life. I started going to therapy as I was so anxious about making mistakes with my son. This was the tip of the iceberg. Long story short, for the past year I have worked on my self esteem, my family of origin issues, and I now know that I deserve love and happiness and that I am lovable. I have compassion, I give grace, I listed and I can control my triggers. I am no longer a rescuer. Enter my husband. He is still a victim. He has cheated on me...a number of years ago now but I didnt believe I deserved better. He uses marijuana....alot. And, most recently, I have discovered cocaine...2 weeks ago almost. And, 2 nights ago, I found Adderall. I told my husband I have had enough and that I am done. I deserve love, happiness, safety, security and fun and that he does not provide these things to either myself or my son. I told him that he has a choice. He can continue down this path of drug abuse or he can get help and move on from his victim mentality and process his family of origin issues and learn to be in relationship. I gave him 1 week to figure this out and, if he decides he wants to continue down the path using drugs he can leave the house because I am not interested in this kind of a life. I will follow through on my bottom line. I have a therapist and I still see her 1 time per week. But, I want to know from others, do you think my husband has a substance abuse problem? Did I do the right thing is giving out my bottom line? I think I did (but this is me)...I am not willing to sacrifice my 1 life or my sons 1 life for this nonsense. It is complete and utter nonsense. I have given too many years away because I was not aware of my own issues and now that I have moved on and am ready to accept love I cannot put up with this anymore. I would love to hear your thoughts.

[jifmoc]

If I may answer for Lulu, you did your hubbie a great service by giving him consequences to his using. Consequences are the bricks that pile up to make the using life intolerable. In other words, keeping things cozy equals keeping things the same. And worse.

Go look up that alanon meeting. Everyone will understand you there, too:)

[Alisa2014]

Thanks jifmoc. I found one Monday night in my area.

[Alisa2014]

Dear All,
Thank you very much for all your support. I wanted to let you know that my husband has decided to move out of our house. In the end he told me he just wants to be independent and 'make lots of money'.

In a strange way I feel sadness of course...but also relief.

I appreciate all your insights and wish you so much strength in staying clean. Reading some of your stories has really been heartbreaking for me. You all deserve peace and happiness. Xo

[Sonrissa]

Hi Alisa,  I am so very sorry to hear this.  I guess your husband has made his choice.  I do think that you gave him every opportunity to change. Something had to, because you certainly could not continue with the way things were. I hope that you will be able to move forward and find happiness for you and your son. Keep up with your therapy. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care, I wish you all the best.

[bama88]

Sorry to hear your husband wants out.  I laughed when I read that he wants to make a lot of money, how is he gonna make a lot of money when it drugs cost a lot of money??  sorry to laugh at your pain....really.

I feel sorry for your husband.  I think you are so smart and have so much to offer.  I was so proud that you could be so strong in your convictions.  I am so envious of that.  I'm so proud that you went to therapy to get help.  It's a huge gift that you gave yourself.  Amazing. Awesomeness.

Please still go to the meeting tho, it will help you even tho hubby walked out.  You'll get support that you need right now.  

Hopefully your husband will realize that he is throwing away so much.  I hope he can see that.  And I hope he can  realize it very soon.  The life he wants to lead will go nowhere fast.  

I'm proud that you can recognize the roles you play.  Your not the one who needs to rescue victims all the time.  It's not healthy.  You need a partner.  A team mate.  I wish many good things for you and your son.  You deserve love and peace and happiness.

Your spot on making your home a safe place.  In the world we live in with all the daily stress, you deserve a place that is safe.  Your son needs that.  And so do you.

I think you did the right thing by having the deal breaker talk.  It's a hard topic.  But a must have discussion.  And, your husband showed you his character.  He sounds immature and selfish.  To just walk out of his sons life.  And yours.

I'm here if you want to talk.  Much love and support....cyber hugs.....bama

[jifmoc]

Alisa, yes please still go to the meeting. You will need LOTS of "in person" support right now.

Of course, I don't know what's in your husband's mind, but from the info you gave his statement of "I wanna make lots of money" sounds like a euphemism for "I want to do drugs w/o having to feel guilty about it."  He is in a really confused, effed up state right now. And one of the many things I've learned from meetings is that what's happening TODAY does not reflect what will happen. It's just for right now. So, if you can, try to look at your husband as a sick person, who doesn't know what to do. It is NOT personal. Drugs are first for him...right now.

Good for you for taking care of yourself. Keep focusing on YOU. And even if the meeting feels "weird", keep an opened mind. You will start to get comfort:)