My husband: substance abuse question

[Alisa2014]

Dear All,

I am so thankful for this community. It is truly wonderful. I have been married to my husband for 3.5 years. We have a 2 year old boy together. I will try and be as impartial as possible. Where to begin? My husband and I have been together for a long time. Approximately 15 years. Looking back, we have always had a victim-rescuer relationship. My husband is the victim and I was the rescuer. This dynamic persisted for a long, long time. Something happened after my son was born. He is truly the best gift given to me in my life. I started going to therapy as I was so anxious about making mistakes with my son. This was the tip of the iceberg. Long story short, for the past year I have worked on my self esteem, my family of origin issues, and I now know that I deserve love and happiness and that I am lovable. I have compassion, I give grace, I listed and I can control my triggers. I am no longer a rescuer. Enter my husband. He is still a victim. He has cheated on me...a number of years ago now but I didnt believe I deserved better. He uses marijuana....alot. And, most recently, I have discovered cocaine...2 weeks ago almost. And, 2 nights ago, I found Adderall. I told my husband I have had enough and that I am done. I deserve love, happiness, safety, security and fun and that he does not provide these things to either myself or my son. I told him that he has a choice. He can continue down this path of drug abuse or he can get help and move on from his victim mentality and process his family of origin issues and learn to be in relationship. I gave him 1 week to figure this out and, if he decides he wants to continue down the path using drugs he can leave the house because I am not interested in this kind of a life. I will follow through on my bottom line. I have a therapist and I still see her 1 time per week. But, I want to know from others, do you think my husband has a substance abuse problem? Did I do the right thing is giving out my bottom line? I think I did (but this is me)...I am not willing to sacrifice my 1 life or my sons 1 life for this nonsense. It is complete and utter nonsense. I have given too many years away because I was not aware of my own issues and now that I have moved on and am ready to accept love I cannot put up with this anymore. I would love to hear your thoughts.

[Sonrissa]

Hi Alisa,  I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation.  Through your therapy you have made a lot discoveries about yourself, and your rescuer personality. Congrats to you for dealing with this and accepting therapy.  What you are asking and seeking from your husband is certainly reasonable and understandable. The question is, is your husband capable and willing to provide that. His substance abuse is Definately putting up roadblocks in your relationship and marriage. You need to do what is best for yourself and your son.  I do agree with jifmoc above. Before you take any major step, do check out Alanon. There you will get some in person support and information that will help.  What does your therapist think about this situation?

Take care, I wish you all the best. You sound like a great mom, and a caring and compassionate person.

[Alisa2014]

I will look into alanon. ..thanks for the tip!

[gnarly_1]

Hi Alisa im glad you asked... my wife and I have been married for 32yrs had 5 amazing kids all grown and out of the house now 4 grand kids now we where the last of the hippies and use to get high together my wife got clean 23yrs ago but I kept on....addiction is a disease of the brain   you can mri and eeg brain activity and it is different from the ''normies'' there is no cure only recovery witch is something you have to work on daily  ever day I wake up with the same decision... am I going to use or stay clean''  today I made the right decision even after many years clean the addict in my head still screams at me to get loaded  this is a daily program we do this just for today  your husband is a sick person and will continue to be sick until he seaks help if you want to recover there is no better place then N/a  I tryed counselors  my pastor at church and even a substance abuse counselor but it just wasent working  I was still left with the addict and addictive behaviors....for me N/A has been the only thing that works   it give you a place that is safe to share your life and its struggles with people that understand you  it also give you structure something very few addict  have   any way if you like message me I will be happy to awnser your questions...Gnarly

[jifmoc]

Hi Alisa, like Gnarly wrote, we see this all the time. However, you see to have your head on really straight, that will aid you in this.

Yes, your hubbie is exhibiting drug abusing behavior. And yes, it only gets worse. You have the right 'tude: keeping yourself and your son safe and away from the insanity of addiction. My suggestion is that before you make a huge life change, go to an alanon meeting. The whole purpose of Alanon is support for the loved one of the addict. Your whole world and perspective will become clearer when you go to meetings. Give it a try, what do you have to lose?

Good luck to you. Post as often as you need to:)

[Alisa2014]

One last thing: I will support him if he chooses recovery. I am a very supportive and compassionate person. I believe that everyone deserves a champion in their life! However, I will not be able to support him if he does not want to change his ways. It is too much of an emotional price to pay for me and by extension by son.

[Alisa2014]

Thanks for your responses. Gnarly, if you are willing to answer, are you still married to your wife? Thanks for you prayers. I am grateful. I guess I do not see my bottom line as an ultimatum. It is really me saying I am not willing to continue on this lifepath with you. He is bringing unhappiness, sadness, and loss of connection into our home and I want happiness, connection, and honesty. If he is not willing to at least say that he is willing to move towards my vision of our family then I do not see how we can move forward together. I don't expect him to be clean within a week. I understand that this is not realistic....but I do expect him to be able to decide if he wants to let this go and then begin on that path.

Krissy, Adderall is a prescription drug for ADHD. It is essentially a legalized form of cocaine. It works on similar parts of the brain and provides a similar, albeit longer, effect. Congratulations on being clean for 8 days!! May you find the strength and courage to continue on your positive new journey.