I need SOMETHING

[akitagurl12]

Day 12.  I can't seem to shake this feeling that I need something to alter my mind.  The few times I ever made it through the physical detox in the past, it was the mental part around this time in my quit that always made me relaspse.  I can't afford to relapse this time, I really think if I do I will end up overdosing. So I need to try and get through this.  I don't know what it is.  Like last night, I was tired enough from working all day that I could have feel asleep fine, but instead I took a couple of sleeping pills that I just got from my doctor and forced myself to stay awake just so i could feel a little high.  Now I feel groggy and did not really get much sleep.  I'm doing this to myself, and I have no idea why.  

[akitagurl12]

omg i feel like you are in my head... lol  All those suggestions are seriously things I have been thinking i should start to do, but i just have been putting it off until i 'felt' better, but that is really backwards now that i think about it. Thank you so much for your continuing support.

[IwillDoThis]

Nothing changes on it's own and that is a big pitfall, everyone just assumes the issue is the pills and once that is gone everything will be rosey - most of us medicate for underlying reasons and those are still waiting for you when you get free.

laughing is so important so I liked the above suggestion of watching stuff that makes you laugh and I can so identify with littlebit about being bored - take a pill, happy - a celebratory pill.  A pill for all occasions.  You must deal with all this emotional stuff and learn healthy behaviors to replace the behaviors you have left behind.  They say it takes 90 days to break or make a habit - start new healthy habits today.  Go for a walk, walk your dog, work out, volunteer time at a cause that matters to you.  The hard work is just starting Akita - but I believe in you!

[minn66]

That is so true, Littlebit. We are bombarded with the message that this product or that will instantly make us better. We tend to want things to be easy and quick.

[akitagurl12]

You are so right.  I also think my mind was consumed with one of 4 things- craving pills, getting pills, freaking out over the conquences, and planning my detox.  Now that I have made it through those 4 things, I do not know what to do. I guess I assumed that once I quit for real, everything else would just change on it's own. Wow, was I ever wrong...lol

[littlebit667]

I think we (meaning me) get used to letting the pills do all the work.  Bored? take a pill.  Upset? take a pill. Sad?  take a pill.  Happy?  take a pill to celebrate.  Unfortunately the happy became less and less as the pills made me not care.  It is the feeling of emotions that scares and excites me now.  Getting out of the headset that we take something to get better is all around us.  We see the ads on TV and in magazines and we believe.  Just like we believe that a different hair color or deodorant will make us beautiful and better.  

I guess what I am trying to say is many of us depend on outside things to make us feel better because it seems easier.  In the end it can destroy us.  I am looking for that path that allows me to feel without fear.  That is a scary thing.  It takes work and I am hoping I get there, too.  
Finding someone to talk to one on one may help.  I hope you find a way to find that peace.  

I know I am trying to as well.

[minn66]

You're right, it is scary. It was hard for me to admit I need help. I was lucky because I have a friend who is in NA and I began going to her group. Some people aren't comfortable with NA. Some groups can be pretty large (shows how many of us are out there, Hmmm?). You may prefer a smaller group or a different approach altogether. The thing is to find what works best for you. I believe you really want this and I also believe you can do this. It just takes a while to get into a different mindset. Also, my mama always said that idle minds are the devil's playground. Find some things that interest you. Have you thought about painting? Check into some community art classes or just go to Wal-Mart and grab some art supplies. You get what I mean. Discover who you really are! :)

[akitagurl12]

Thank you, both of your posts are very helpful.  I don't know what is more scary- putting myself through w/d or going to an aftercare.  This really is going to be a complete life changing experience.

[IwillDoThis]

Hey Akita - I understand what you say and really relate - I simply miss the fuzzies but Minn is right you MUST find other ways to distract yourself or you are gonna be repeating your pattern.  This time you make the decision to start dealing with the emotional stuff, the patterns, the triggers and that will make all the difference.

Seeking knowledge is important an even though you do not know any better now (based on what you said above that "it is all you know") - You know that it ain't working for you, so YOU have the power to seek knowledge that will help you conquer this.  A support group will be sooo important.

Girl you can do this, make the brave choice by not just stopping the pills but by getting after care and working on yourself emotionally.

Big hugs - we are here.

[akitagurl12]

Thank you Minn.  I never dealt with it before but if I don't it will be just a matter of time before I screw up AGAIN. Everyone in my family & life are pretty much drug addicts... so it is all i know.

[minn66]

Hi akita,

I understand. Yes, we can all agree that the wd stinks. Basically it is hell. This is what separates an addicted person from a physically dependent person. This is what gets a lot of us. While the traditional NA or AA groups aren't for everyone, I believe it is important to have some kind of aftercare, whether it is counseling or some other group. We have to rethink ways to get that "buzz." We also have to find other ways to deal with things besides reaching for a pill. It takes a completely different mindset.

Find some things that you can do instead of reaching for something. For example, I will watch something funny. I have several favorite comedians recorded. Laughing really is a great medicine.

Hold onto that clean time. You've got this!