Need Support/Advice For Desperate Final Attempt At Sobriety

[sk8trnate]

Hi guys, I know it's not often you hear a 17 year old kid wanting to get sober... And that is exactly why it has been such a struggle for me. I have been using anything I could get my hands on to cope with anxiety/depression/insomnia/add, or just to be happy and have fun. I already went through an inpatient treatment program almost two years ago, and pretty much lied my way through it. I didn't want to admit I had a problem for years, just rationalized it with what "everyone else was doing". The fact was, I was the only one my age doing lines of coke in the bathroom stall between classes, only one stealing from my family and friends just to have money to support my habit. I have amazing and supportive parents, but I have told them so many times that this time would be the last time, that they don't believe me anymore... and I don't blame them. I've went to celebrate recovery classes, but no one my age is in them. I am the drummer in our church worship team, and little do they know I've been struggling with my sobriety for so long. (I live in a rural farm town of 2000 people, and everyone drinks and parties) I moved around a lot, so that isn't in my heritage, and I don't feel like I fit in, because I don't. The fact is, I have accepted the fact that I'm the only kid my age trying to straighten my life out before my 18th birthday in a month, so I don't screw up my life forever. I haven't been sleeping at all because I've been on and off of cocaine the past few weeks, and today I finally threw all I had left away. I really need to make it happen this time. I have cried, prayed to God, and spent hours in his word the last week when I was up all night. Every time I get clean I go through an insane period of depression, anxiety and paranoia. During those few months that my brain tries to get back to being normal, my life is a living hell. And I feel like there is no hope, so I go back to drugs. I'm going to have to stop hanging out with my best friend, because all we ever do is get twacked and attempt to write a book or some other ridiculous idea we come up with.

Sorry if I'm blabbering on and on, I just have no where else to go and I'm coming down of my last line. HOPEFULLY FOREVER. If anyone can relate to me, or has any advice on what I can do, or any tips or tricks they have from getting sober, I would greatly appreciate it. I need to make it this time, I don't want to live this way anymore. I want to be happy without drugs.

Thank you so much,
Nate

[vicki595]

You have to keep at it!  Keep talking to her in the way that you do. Don't isolate and I know you're doing that!

Cocaine is a crazy drug. It's also illegal so you don't want to get involved with the law. The thing with coke is that it's a mental addiction and it's a tough one. But, it's over quickly if you get passed the first few days.  It does scream you're name, I know, but you can beat that down!   There's so much else to do!   What are your college plans??   Get some!  xo

[sk8trnate]

I've probably tried 150 times to get sober, each time maybe for a few hours, or a day, or one time I even went a month. I just really don't know how to stop myself from going out and buying some drugs... I'm my own worse enemy I guess. Nor do I know what to do if something bad happens and I want to go use again.

[clean_in_ks]

My heart goes out to you.....and you are an amazing young man....so much life to be lived ahead of you....The trap door you feel like you are in isn't locked......it just feels like it right now.
You have learned A LOT about yourself and addiction since you went thru inpatient trmt two yrs ago.  Each experience you've had can be a stepping stone UP to a new place.  We get to choose....stumbling blocks OR stepping stones, right?
We have to be willing to CHANGE some things that are HARD to change.
Like your best friend.....if he still wants to get twacked.....you will have to leave him to that.....and maybe God will use YOU in his life as he sees you get clean.  There's this saying that may help you...."At some point, you'll have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life."
By watching you change your life......maybe that will give your best friend the courage to do the same.....if not.....you know the answer.

It may seem impossible to you that your parents could believe in you and support you again.....but they CAN and will if you outwardly show signs of CHANGE and your actions speak louder than the words they are so used to hearing.  I have a precious young man in my family that has repeatedly told all of us the same thing for 14 yrs!  He just got out of federal prison and most family members are not willing to believe in him at this point....they want to SEE not HEAR the changes he professes to making.
I'm beliveing in him BIG time......as long as he doesn't just "talk the talk", but continues to "walk the walk".

As long as you are hangiing w/people that use and party w/drugs and alcohol.....still haven't cut off your drug source(s), and aren't in any recovery program of any kind....it's difficult to believe "this time is different".  Ya know?

I believe you........help others to believe you by new choices this time.
You sound like you're A LOT of fun......and once you learn how much fun you can have living a clean life....those drums you play will never be the same LOL.  When you surrender this time.....make sure you give God ALL the broken pieces~

[sk8trnate]

I will try my best to keep talking to her about it.
Yeah, the mental part is the hardest for me, it just adds to my already-present anxiety. I got really lucky and got all my charges sealed, so that is a big motivation to get sober... Cause if I mess up again I will go straight to jail. But I am going for my bachelors to be a Health and Fitness Specialist.

The reason a lot of people don't offer me help is because I'm the total opposite of what most people think a drug addict would look like. I'm super athletic and a pro at putting on a fake smile. I know that if I want to follow my dreams of being a bodybuilder one day that I have to knock this crap off. I just don't know just how to do that yet.

[clean_in_ks]

Sorry Nate, I was typing and got interrupted before I posted.  Lots of info exchanged from when I read your first post.  
My dad was gone working and drinking ALL my growing up years, so I can definitely relate to you there.  I'm glad you have your mom's support...maybe as you find things about addiction that help you understand the nature of this disease, you can print them out for her to read.  I have a web site I just recently posted in one of my journals that really helps "understand addiction".  She could toot around that web site and learn and understand a WHOLE lot about you (and your dad).

There are some articles about cocaine addiction on our health pages...that may help you....here's one I read...and I think there are two or three more that may bless you to read:

http://www.medhelp.org/health_pages/Addiction/Cocaine-Withdrawl/show/572?cid=66

For me, the more I know about the disease of addiction, the better equipped I am to actually live with it.  Hope you check back in with us~

[VICourageous]

WOW I am sooooo Proud of you. I go to the meetings both aa/na and the ones that are my age or older (56yrs) Just cry to you young ones to please please do not wait until you are are age. We missed out on alot of things we could of done. Although God works in his time we also make a choice. I was on many drugs all my life off and on since I was 14yrs (not proud of it at all ) I too was doing the coke at your age. I usually walked away from it all without no withdraws, I did not even know what a withdraw was until I hit the opiates/methedone. You made me get a tear. please hang in here everyone will be soooo SUPPORTIVE. I have been seeing blessing from many who get clean and stay clean on this post. Plus other things they do....
GOD BLESS YOU!!!!!!
I think you choke alot of us up with goodness
vickie