Down to around 10 on methadone detox ,I can't seem to control my temper,why?

[nonny419]

Every other week 2 mgs are pulled. I have done fine as far as sleeping and no withdrawal. The problem is the thought in my head .My family never talks to each other .I find myself talking to myself anyone who will listen .It'a like 12 years of emotions all came at once .I have never took **** from nobody . On the Methadone, my husband would ignore me for days and if he talked he would spit on me yelling .My 19 year old who was my sweet girl now acts as if I an not here she came home from a year at college hugging daddy never answering me nor looking at me she tills me to shut up go to my room .I want to smack her in the mouth .My 5 kids never disrespected me. I feel I am walking this line and tipping off One min I am fine a hug from my son or husband but something breaks or the druck college football palayers next door get on my nerves to where I went out to fight them I am 54 and have been in 3 fift fights in 2 weeks I hate my home the thoughts of horrible things keep going through my head I wouldn't hurt my self but I do think about it . My peace is my car driving with music my car is spotless and comfortable .my home is trash something breaks daily my husband stuck .It divoorce or move .12 years of hell is haunting me here I can;t control my anger ,I take vitamins ans calmax to help MS pain I ride my bike and push pass the pain I had not walked in 7 years I am now walkin to just get some calmness . any Ideas on how to relax my mind .I teach yoga so I do that exercise and bike and walk My body is sore from over doing it ,But I feel I am loosing my mind I can;t shut up People look at me like I am a nut even mu husband a MD I know I have no dopamine and thats why I am exercising and believe me it hurts but I seem to calm down . My moods change if you look at me wrong .I have thrown thing broke stuff .cut off my friend ,kids crazy **** why /I am afraid I wont make this they say Aug if I stay at 2/every other week doc says drop to 1 .Some times I think just stopping going into a rehab might be faster.

[Jinx_777]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way.  God bless your son.  He loves his mom so much and understands that you need that human connection.  Seems your husband is so out of touch and your daughter just seems scared she is going to lose her mom.  Have you thought about going to any NA meetings in your area??  I think if you met people who are going through what you are then that might help you.  Someone to call 24/7 when you need someone.  
Have you ever had any issues with  bi polar disorder????  I lived 40 yrs never being diagnosed that until I came off alcohol and medications.  I too had that rage.  The stress around me set it off.  I was feeling much like you and eventually I got fed up and went to a hospital and said 'admit me'.  It was like a vacation getaway.  I did not want to come home.  It gave me a chance to get out of the environment in which was causing me so much stress and I had therapy several times a day.  It helped tremendously.  Sometimes we just cannot do it on our  own.  Years later I have no symptoms of bi polar and do not take any medication for it.  Stress brought it out as well as detoxing

[EvolverU]

Good Morning :)

Okay, I'm going to ask the big question here, my friend. When you say that you have bad thoughts running through your head are we talking about suicide, rage or maybe both? Again, I'm glad that you're getting this all out on cyber paper!

I think that you hit the nail on the head when you said that you have no one in your environment to talk to. You mentioned that it calmed you down/made you feel better when your son took your side & hugged you. We're human & we need the support & contact. I also think that it would be an excellent idea to get some counseling & to seek a second opinion (be more closely monitored) regarding what you're experiencing and your meds. What's the counseling like at your clinic?

As you probably know, Xanax can cause 'paradoxical rage' & thoughts of suicide. Did you experience these (if you're experiencing them!) before they put you on them for the panic attacks? I hear you on folks at the clinic nodding & drooling on them! (Just awful, eh?)

It's funny that you should mention rehab as I was going to mention it in my first post to you. As I said, you need to focus on you & figure out what's going on & gain some clarity. I feel for you! Have you considered reaching out to an AA/NA type group or a group that deals with anxiety/panic disorders? I've know idea what your spirituality is like but you might consider joining a liberal (or otherwise) church for the community & sense of peace/well-being. You mentioned that you're a yoga teacher. Do you do your meditation & breathwork daily? Even if you can't maintain meditation right now, the breathwork will help. I'm glad you're out riding your bike & clearing your head. .

I sense that you won't be able to sort out these family difficulties until you get some answers/perspective on what's going on w/ your meds & in your heart/head. What think ye'?

Wishing you peace, clarity & answers!

Annie

[nonny419]

I wrote a few days ago about make detox and methadone. I've been having a lot of thoughts running through my head and not good ones. Last night as I took a walk with my husband he gave me a little bit of information which I know was a lie and somehow that set me off. It was a long night I woke up after about an hour sleep still feeling crazy. It's funny that you can know exactly what's going on and I understand this is part of the fact that I can't make these chemicals to calm myself down right now but yet I just can't get a hold of it. Some of the thoughts that go through my head are really scary. I got so afraid I called some 24 lines for people and withdrawal I thought maybe getting out of this environment and into like a rehab where I would have a little peace might make things better. Unfortunately for me I have been on Xanax for about five years. And I know when people hear that they think you're a Xanax it took them four years to get me to swallow a Xanax my panic attacks were so bad I would sit in front of the hospital for 10 hours while my husband worked I went a year and liquids because it felt like someone was choking me. I called 911 thinking I was dying at least five times a week it seemed always about four the morning. A couple of the people I talked to help today but basically I was told if I went into any rehab sure they could get me off 12 mg methadone is only and the Xanax I explained my doctors don't want me off the Xanax I was told it was like taking a diabetic insulin. I know most people say all
anxious I take Xanax and their nodding out and drooling all over I see it all the time at the clinic. I actually am one of the few that the FDA approved to be on it. So I finally got a hold of this man and if he was supposed to calming I don't know what stresses. I gave no rundown about being alone all the time and he said maybe your family don't talk to you as you stay in a room doing drugs all day about that time always ready to tell him where to go. He finally said he didn't know any rehab that would help with me being on Xanax and I called him a few choice words and hung up. I been trying to get through the last few weeks I promise my husband made that in two years when our son for college after 54 years he was getting out of Toledo. The worst day I've had he added a little'catch to it. I was breaking down and saying I don't know if I'm going to make it. Mentally I need a reason to want to go on. I think this house I need a place to do yoga a family it talks and something to look forward to. I asked him are we really going to get out of here in two years and he said yes but added only if my mother has passed away. She just turned 80 this is my mother-in-law I love her so I'm supposed to wish for her to die so I can move. See this is my husband that nobody understands. Because now if we move into a new it will be under the condition has mom passes away and that is something to make me feel like ****. It's funny because my son came home from an amusement park he 16 I don't know why but he seems to be the only one that can reach me because he will hug me and same mom you know this is just the medicine you will feel better soon. He has exams and I know I can interfere with like it's funny how just to talk takes those thoughts on my head. Keep went down and told his dad please leave mom alone and get her bike out and some sleepy time tea. Around 11 o'clock tonight I rode my bike for about an hour to try to get as much dopamine going as I could came home and drank the tea took my stupid 12 mg of methadone try to relax. If anybody has any other ideas of when these thoughts that are so horrible I can even say but I'm sure you know I would appreciate as many suggestions as you can give me thanks so much time you I appreciate you letting me vent as much as you do I think that's part of the biggest problem I have I have no one not one friend or family that will talk to me so I talked to my self. And that gets old so again thanks guys.

[Jinx_777]

Have you ever had a complete hormone level test???  There are commercials here on tv all the time from a hormone replacement doctor and a lot of the statements patients made are very similar to your's.  
Do you think it is possible that your daughter freaked when she found out you were ill??  Maybe she is so scared of losing you that she has distanced herself????
My heart breaks for you as it sounds like you have so many personal things going on right now that would hurt anyone.  
You sound like a very strong woman.  I pray things get better for you soon

[EvolverU]

Ooops! Here's that link. :)

http://poppswebsite.com/awareness/post-acute-withdrawal-paw

[nonny419]

Thanks so much for caring. I figured since I wasn't feeling really sick I was doing good. I kind of got my mind overload about a month ago and is kind got steadily worse each drop. It's so nice just to have somebody like you that seems to care and knows what I'm talking about. Sometimes I have so many thoughts I will start a sentence and before I ended start another one and then lose track where I may have. I hate to say it got really bad when my daughter came home from college but that's what it did. I've struggled for the last seven years with her. She was always very close to me. When she turned 14 is when I started getting really sick she is to sit under my arm and tell me I was the best mother in the world. She would even take my picture and she would spend the nights somewhere. Then she was in Annie the play and I remember I went to take pics and other mothers were there she turned and looked at me in under her breath said get out. I remember I was floored. From then on she has never spoke to I mean seven years. I would try to initiate a conversation but my answers were always I have to study, I'm going to bed for I don't want to talk. When she would walk by me she would cover her face as to not look at me. I would cry because I've never figured out what I did. She left for college last July she didn't even want me to go to take her only dad. When she came home from month ago she ran in the door and hugged her dad and the whole night never even looked at me I tried to hug her she yelled don't touch me. I know my husband tried to talk and is said mom's going to a very hard time please take it easy on her I know because her brother told me I guess he even talk to them this morning after this saying you know mom is doing very well most people would just quit and go back to the medicine she was taking but she's trying to do this even though she has MS and lupus. I know he's trying which makes me feel even worse when I screamed at him. I swear I don't mean to it's like I don't have the control to not get mad. He also has a tendency to just tell me what I wanted here to calm me down like then endeavor fouls through with what he says. Tonight as we were taking a walk I asked him some questions he said he would answer this week. Things about us moving out of this house, this is a really big thing with me I was beaten and raped at gunpoint right down the street. The people that lived here before us also tour the house to bits. Our homes have always been very clean, this place is cluttered and dirty it drives me nuts I walk out my door and the doorknob falls off I used my sink the sink drain just an example of one day. From what I've know he makes near a half 1 million a year, our home 12 years ago was 120 K. His partners all live in million-dollar home's. Honestly I was fine with our old which was 200 K it was more than I ever had in my life and is also where I thought I would raise my children. As soon as I got sick he took my home in anything he ever got me away I'm trying to keep out of the past but it still creeps in. Anyway tonight he tells he only brings home 8000 per month now our child's college is 50 K a year so that would mean are  living on 50,000 a year I don't know a doctor who makes less than a couple hundred thousand year and my husband works in his practice and in the ER and at the nursing homes in is the director of hospice. So tonight when we started walking and I asked him the same question I've been asking 12 years I always get it's too late to talk, I'm late for work, it's my day off I'm not going to fight. So in 12 years he's never been able to answer me if we have anything at all do we have a future or will we be crawling down the road with no money. I know absolutely nothing, if something ever happened to him I don't know where nothing is my name is on nothing I would be totally lost. I think heard of clearing this crap out of me is making me wonder in my stuck in this town for or do I divorce and move myself. The problem is I love I have since I was 14. I wanted to ask you is this going to get worse before it gets I'm not sure if I can handle it kind to choose your words carefully. I know you know I am in naturopathic so I wondered why vitamin C helps if it does believe me I will try. I'd have thought about taking GABA and even sleepytyme tea I know this sounds stupid but I am scared to death to try things I've ever taken I have been panic and I was abused by my mother when I was little. She would give me drugs that she stole from work to knock me out so she could go out. I had horrible reactions some of this stuff she gave me. So I have always been frightened of something that I have never taken care it sounds funny since I prescribed to my patients especially get the I use a lot I have a hard time putting anything in me even my doctor said my vitamin D levels are so low and that could also be a problem but it's almost impossible to make myself while it I take kids chewable vitamin because I've taken them before. Lord I sound like a NUT!  lol. Please can you keep in touch with me I really need someone to talk to I find myself having conversations with the people that work in the stores or at the car wash for any damn person listen. God help me through this.

[Merri123]

You are so getting there. And doing good.

Mood swings are part of it. And yes the whole dopamine and endorphin thing. You still using your CALM? Take Vit c (crystals). People say Sam-E or GABA works. All are supplements. But check with your other medicine first.

Sounds like you are getting around more?  Maybe now would be a good time for some therapy if you haven't started already. Will help you with some coping stuff to get through the next several months.

I'm glad you posted. I have been thinking about you lately. You know you can message me anytime too. Keep going.