Need someone to confide in

[Gohard_Gohome]

I'm 20 years old, I just recently achieved a life long goal of winning a contract to become a Naval Special Warfare operator. I don't want to disclose too much due to my paranoia about losing it. I should be happy and excited but I've got guilt about my closet amphetamine addiction.

I have hid it from everyone, I come from a family that taught me to never let anyone see inside, no matter how bad it may be. I've been abusing prescription amphetamines for almost 4 years, when I'm on them I feel golden but when I come off them, they consume me. Up until now I have never had a problem picking myself up, Ive always been able to make sure that my issues didn't interfere with my family. But recently it's been taking a toll on me and I've got nowhere to turn, I can't talk to any of my friends because if the wrong person hears, my dream is gone. My family, as much as I love them, would never understand, I doubt they would even take it seriously since they don't have a clue about me.

This is getting too big for me to take alone, I still have a few months until I ship out and I know I have to beat this or at least make trackable progress to beating it before I leave. I fear that it will get in my way down the road.

If you're reading this and you've done it before, overcoming it that is, I need some help. I don't know how to tell what's true because I can't trust my brain anymore. I don't know if I'm actually taking steps forward or if I'm actually moving laterally. My ears will be open, I want this for so many reasons, more then I ever wanted that contract.

I'm done trying to do this alone, I've become my own worst enemy and if I can get it I've already gotten it, I can't explain it..I guess this is really the first time I have felt genuine fear, and it's of myself? ...

[clean_in_ks]

Very glad you posted your situation!!  
OpenMind's post is one you should really listen to.
I read a lot of positives in your post........
You are 20 yrs old and recognize already you have an addiction and cannot listen to your brain.
Your ears "are open" that is HUGE!
You have a few months B4 you ship out......you have been give the perfect opportunity to address this NOW so you don't head into your life long dream with a pill bottle controlling you.
OpenMind told you HOW it works....H>honesty....O>...openmindedness...
and W>willingness.
I heard those 3 things present in you....today!  That's a good thing!
If you free yourself NOW.....you won't have to trudge the road that OpenMind shared with you.  Addiction is a road to destruction.....and you are aware of that at 20 yrs old with you whole future ahead of you.
I pray you will educate yourself on amphet.w/drawals.....prepare in every possible way you can and use the same determination you have had to land this contract with the Navy to free  yourself!.  You hold ALL the cards....there are lots and lots of people to help......let us know how you are doing and what you have decided......we DO care......fellow addicts (regardless of our DOC....drug of choice) are amazing people and have walked in your shoes!
P.S.  Yrs ago......a counselor told me I KNEW in my head the right things to do.....I just had a major problem with taking the ACTION!  Hope you will learn from our mistakes.......you won't live long enough to make them all by yourself LOL!  Blessings from KS~

[cleanguy]

I know that the major symptom coming off amphetamines is bad depression. It's tough. My former boss ( lost his job) because of his abuse. So glad you recognize this now... what an amazing career. He had to go to counselling, a lot!  He kicked it... and now runs another company. His detox was about depression and agitation... the exact opposite of how the drug made him feel. You will need help with this, its not just will power... wish it was.

All the best... you are a strong young man ready to make this change and go on to an amazing career!

[selfinduced]

What a relatable post. Gohard, do you mind me asking what type of amphetamines and amount your on? Are they prescribed?

[dominosarah]

You have made the first step in wanting to get better.  It is always scary to open up and let others in but it is necessary.  You are not a robot, you are a human and you deserve to be happy.  Keep talking to us as we have been in your shoes.

[OpenMind24hours]

Congratz on your pending career. Sounds exciting. I was in the Navy Reserves and loved it as I think back. I also used and abused prescription amphetamines and then came across a big bag of Crystal Meth back in the '70s. I know exactly what the feeling is coming down from that stuff. It's rough with the scrpt stuff and REALLY tough for the crystal, which is the next step up from scripts. I'm a hobby musician and used it to keep going with the bar bands and then work a serious day job the next day. The drug was eating me away; loss of weight and terrible depression and loss of energy when I came back down. Thank God the drug itself finally stopped fitting as my "drug of choice" selection and I stopped it completely; settling into other drugs, with alcohol as my new "drug of choice".

Then the time in my life quickly came where I needed to stop everything or sink further and further into the bog of addiction, resulting in losing everything, jail, and death. So I did stop everything. I couldn't do it using my OWN thinking because you can see where that got me, lol. So I joined an anonymous support group (NA) where I could share honestly without repercussion and listen to someone ELSES thinking, people who got clean and honestly enjoy living that way. Pain was necessary when I stopped but suffering was optional. The option was to surrender myself and my addictions to that group of ppl, and then sit and listen to them talk about what happened to them and how it is now. You've just done that my fellow Navy friend, just by posting here. Congratz on that also :-) You're saving your wonderful future in the Navy by simply surrendering yr addiction and then asking for help. Let go of your fear and start to enjoy your recovery and your future sailor. All It takes honesty, openness, and the willingness to keep on keeping on doing what you've just done.    

[akitagurl12]

Hi & welcome:)
I don't have any experience with amphetamines so I don't know what detox feels like. But I am sure there are others who do and hopefully will respond to your post.  However I am familiar with addiction. You do seem like you really are done with it and want to be free.   If I were you, I would find out what detox entails, since getting it out of your system is the next step. I didn't realize just how messed up my own addiction was making my thinking and emotions until after I was detoxed & off it for awhile.  So knowing ahead of time what to expect could really help. Talking about what you are experiencing will help keep you grounded and remind you that what you are going through is a temporary adjustment.  So if there is no one in your life that you can discuss this with, just try to seek out other people, I have found people in the same situation as me have been the most helpful and supportive of all. Just remember, nothing is impossible, and there is nothing quite as awesome as overcoming an addiction.  YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!