New here. Kicked oxy and relapsed. HELP ME PLEASE!!

[free_bird]

Hello everyone,

Im new here and really need some help please. I feel like such a loser. I had been doing oxys for about a year, initially prescribed them for a back injury and next thing I know I'm snorting about 120 mgs a day. Before that I played around with percs for a couple years but nothing too severe. It was the oxys that got me bad. Finally decided I was sick of beng controlled by a pill so in late January I went ct and jumped from full usage to none. HORRIBLE withdrawals ensued but I perservered and got through them. I lasted almost a month but the mental part got to me bad. I was already prone to depression and anxiety before I ever got hooked on oxys and the depression and anxiety hit me hard. I was suicidal and having numerous panic attacks. Seemed like every bad memory I have came back to haunt me and eat away at me. I couldnt take it and long story short I relapsed. I think I lasted about 3 long and miserable weeks. Now Im not back at my prior level of 100+ mgs a day. Instead its 40 mgs a day but I know in time I will be right back to where I was so I want to taper down and quit again.

How do I go about tapering? Like I said, I snort my oxys (bad I know). Right now Im snorting two 20 mg pills a day, should I cut down in quarters If so how often should I drop my dose? Can someone suggest a taper plan? I am terrified of going ct again so I want to get down to half a pill and then jump. And what the heck am I going to do about the mental part? Have I done damage to the point where I will never be "ok" without pills? I loved that I was off the pills but I HATED how I felt sober. Depressed, anxious and screwed up beyond belief. Should I get on an antidepressant now (I was on them before but stopped them around the same time I picked up oxys as they seemed to cure my depression) Im thinking maybe if I got on an antidepressant maybe the mental part would not be as severe as it was. Also I have a prescription for neurontin. I have heard this can help with the withdrawals and PAWS in particular, anyone try it for opiate withdrawtals? I want to be free of the pills so bad but at the same time I was not prepared for the severe mental anguish that followed my detox. I guess Im kinda screwed either way. Stay on the pills and ruin my life or quit the pills and live in mental misery. I have never been able to do life completely clean. For years since I was a teen I was a pothead. Now I just get anxious if I smoke pot. I tried smoking after I detoxed and found out that pot doesnt do for me what it used to. Instead of making me mellow and happy it now makes me anxious and paranoid. The trauma I endured when I was younger is hard to live with and without any drugs those memories and the depression and anxiety eat at me. I dont know what to do but I know I cant stay on oxys. I will end up doing as much as I did before and I was on the road to an early grave.

Please, somebody give me some direction. How do I go about tapering and how can I live life sober and be happy and not let the past come back to haunt me and make my life miserable? Is there life after oxys or have I possibly done too much damage from doing drugs for 15+ years. I wish I had stuck with pot and left the pills alone. Not that being a pothead is a great thing but the addiction in no way compares to oxy. Now I cant even smoke pot and get relief! It really *****. I also wonder if I should just get someone to give me the oxys as prescribed. Maybe my brain needs it to function normally. I dont mean snort them or take enough to get high. Kind of like a "maintenence" dose to keep me level. I would rather be right off the pills but deep down I wonder if from doing drugs for as long as I have been if my brain is wired to only be normal when its high. Sounds stupid I know but I really wonder about it.

Anyways sorry for rambling Im just at a loss on what to do here. Please help me!!

[free_bird]

Yes Calamity is right, I do have to take responsibility for myself and not let this man of mine influence what I do. And I really have no one who can dispense my meds but amazingly enough after the absolute hellish withdrawals I endured going ct Im doing pretty good at sticking with my plan. I ony did 2 yesterday despite feeling like more. Today I will drop it to 1 and a half. I want to get off them asap so can I drop it a half a day? I should mention that this relapse has only been a week long. Before that I made it nearly a month so I dont want to drag this on any more then I need to. (It would be silly to take 2 weeks to taper from a 1 week relapse right?) And I am going to try and get to a meeting tommorow night, Im going to see if my so called partner will watch his own children while I go and if not ask someone in my family to.

Sweatinit, you said you have to endure the same crap (watching someone high while you try to maintain your sobriety) its tough isnt it? Not only does he do pills but he drinks. What a winner I picked, lol. Well like calamity said I gotta take ownership of MY problem and not worry about what everyone else is doing.

[sweatinit]

Hey, I have to agree with calamity. Its so important for us to take ownership of our choices. I understand about having to look at it everyday, becasue I have to do teh same and it is tough. You can do this though. you said you have support by your family (sis), lean on her and everyoen else that is there for you. This forum will help too. Its not always what we want to hear, but most of the folks here are honest and they care. Can you get to a meeting?? Let me know how you are today.

[arnsmom]

Do you have someone that can hold and dispense the meds for you as you are weaning off? I am in the process of weaning off percs and my husband and daughter give me my pills throughout the day so that Im not tempted to abuse them.

Just a thought...it helps me alot that they have control over my meds.


good luck to you and hang in there...God Bless!

[Calamity2]

If you are ever to get clean you will have to focus on whats wrong with YOU.  YOU have to surrender and make the decision you dont want to use anymore. I dont care who in your life uses , doesnt , picks thier nose or doesnt.  If you want to get free of these drugs you will have to get honest and stop making excuses.

[sweatinit]

Wow...our situations sounds similar. It's doable... Even though it may seem impossible. I have to run, but send me a PM or I will you in the moring Stay strong and if you pray, am them up girl.

[free_bird]

Thanks sweatinit. Like I said, I have 3 young kids and a man who could care less about anything but himself. I am going to ask family members to help me with watching my kids so I can get to meetings. I pretty much hate my husband at this point. His continued pill use, drinking and selfishness in general has destroyed our relationship.Tonight for example I called him a few minutes ago to remind him my daughter has an art class. He answered the phone hammered (he is supposed to be at work) and mumbled something to the effect of not coming home. How the hell is anyone supposed to get clean living with a selfish ******* like that?? I know I have to but this so called man in my life is making it VERY hard.

I am going to start looking for a place for myself and my kids. I have to get off the pills for once and for all and start a new life without the toxic man who cares nothing about anyone but himself. It wont be easy but living like this is impossible.

[sweatinit]

Free, Keep posting here and others will come along to help you though. The advice of Htown sounds very solid. You'll see that everyoen that has a decent amount of clean time on here talks about the importance of aftercare (aka meetings/therapy). Can you try and get to a meeting at least? I am going to my first one tomorrow. Good luck to you, my friend!

[TroubledDude]

Wow, your post reads like my bio. When I go off Oxy's the physical withdrawal is only about 10% of the problem (aside from GI issues). The mental anguish that starts about 15 hours after my last dose seems to last forever. I made it to around twenty-five days and relapsed all because of the anxiety and depression I was suffering from. According to many on here, I should have stayed clean for another couple / three weeks and things would have been much better. I can’t recommend a tapering plan for you but I’ll tell you what I’m doing. I'm currently taking 6 OxyContin 20mg & 2 Oxycodone 10mg IR (down from 8 / 3) per day, next week starting Monday I will drop my dose by 1, 20mg Oxy per day. The following week I will drop it another and so on, so forth until the OxyContin is done and I'm dropping my dose on the Oxycodone 10mg IR. Ultimately my goal is to be doing 5mgs (half an Oxycodone IR) during my last week. It will take time but I just want to reduce my initial withdrawal and post w/d as much as possible. I have also started an exercise program and taking a Multi-Vitamin, Amino Acids, Omega 3-6-9 Capsules and protein shakes all in an effort to give myself the best edge possible when I finally to jump off.

God Bless,

TD

[free_bird]

Thank you for responding. I wish i had the choice to enter a treatment program. I have 3 kids under 5 and going away to a rehab isnt possible for me. I think I will give NA a try though, I did go to one meeting but wish I would have gone to more. Part of the problem is trying to GET to meetings. My husband is also addicted, although he thinks because he only does a couple a day that he doesnt have a problem. It was his continuing usage (even though he promised me he was going to quit too a week after I did , we didnt want to both be in withdrawals at the same time) but he did not stop. not only did he not stop but he makes me feel guilty whenever I get out of the house for awhile - even to go to a meeting!! Its pathetic.

I think I will ask my sister to watch my kids for me even once or twice a week so I can get to meetings. I also think I should plan on leaving this selfish ******* husband of mine. He saw the HELL I went through to get off the pills yet he continued knowing full well how hard his continued usage was for me to deal with and stay clean. I honestly think I should get clean (again), go to meeting and heal my broken soul so that staying clean isnt pure misery and LEAVE this man who cares so little about me that I cant even go to an NA meeting in peace and who is addicted and I dont think he even wants to get off them. i think he just promised to quit to shut me up. I think Im better off on my own with the kids but at the same time im scared because he financially supports us. but lots of women get by as single mothers. i think being a single mom would be better then staying with someone who is so selfish he wont stop the pills and so selfish he wont even let me get treatment without a guilt trip for going out!!

I wish I could win the lottery. Id leave him, take the kids and never look back. When I look at the situation Im in it makes me sick. Getting off pills is just the tip of the iceberg for me. My whole life needs to change and I dont even know where to start. But I am going to stop these pills again and somehow, even if I have to HIRE a babysitter for a few hours a couple nights a week I will. My life and the lives of my children are at stake and the man Im with doesnt seem to care at all about anything but himself. Sorry to ramble Im just very resentful. I know it was MY choice to relapse but having a partner still doing pills makes staying clean a thousand times harder. I should have left him a long time ago.

[monkeyonmyback33]

Just signed up here after reading a few posts.  Saw your post and had some time to reply so I am... For one I think an antidepressant would be great to start on right away.  Not only do they change your brain's chemicals they FIX them.  Effexor is good.  Look at the thomas recipe for detox and try to stay on that.  Start with baby steps... stop snorting them, cut down on them.  I am not on Oxy's; I had a boyfriend die from them so won't touch them.  I am on way too many pain meds for a pain disorder and feel the same as you do; I can't live life without them.  They are my antidepressant.  Opiates raise endorphins.  Some people have low endorphins and these are the people who get so happy and warm on pain meds... that is me.  Without them life *****, I am in pain, I don't want to do anything, with them I am super woman.  I am tapering currently and it is near impossible.  The minute I get my hands on the script I down a handful and then I am screwed the rest of the week.  i just took a bunch that was supposed to get me through until at least tomorrow and then two days of hell until my refill on Friday.  I am thinking of every way I can to get them including the E.R. and have already lost a very good friend today over the issue.  I have lost many friends who don't understand and family members are driving me f'in nuts about it.  if you aren't  a pill junkie you just don't understand.  You started with the wrong pill.... Oxy's will kill you; they are scary.  What about Suboxone?  I am scared for myself and I only take hydrocodone... I am gonna kill myself on the acetominophen (but I am so afraid of oxy's that I won't go there)   Anyway, tapering is soooo hard unless you have someone take your **** and give them to you, even then you find a way to get them or you get mad at the person who won't give them to you, or you end up in the E.R. or whatever; it just f'in *****.  I don't know what to tell you, but you should try the antidepressents and the recipe and then cut down or stop the snorting...

[Htownnofrown]

Hey Free,

I know what it feels like to relapse, that was a big part of my story to start with. I know some people are uneasy with talking about rehab or 12 step programs in here, but I will share my story involving these things because it worked for me when nothing else would.

I tried to get sober in January 09, and had some periods of sobriety. At one point I made it 39 days, but there would inevitebly come a relapse. I finally went to treatment and they taught me a lot of things I didn't know which helped me realize why I didn't stay sober.

First off, I had never fully quit drinking. I thought I was ok to have a drink or two, because alcohol wasn't really my problem. They told me that in addicts, brainscans show pleasure receptors opened up farther than usual (they compared it to a blooming flower). They told me everytime I drank alcohol, it stimulated the pleasure centers and that as long as I conitnued that, I would always have the cravings for my drug of choice, (oxy and other opiates) because thats the way an addict's brain works.

Before I went to treatment, I had always thought 12 step programs were a joke and that I was better than that, I thought that willpower would be enough after I detoxed. It never lasted. Through working the 12 steps (I just finished last week), I addressed the problems I felt with my life, because I too hated how I felt sober. The bleakness, anxiety, resentments and bad memories were everywhere I turned. The steps of the program I worked addressed these and now I truly enjoy life and when there is a problem I have a network of friends and people who care about me that help me through it.

These were two very important aspects for me to stay sober and I hope you find the help you seek, either through something i've said or someone else. Depression is a serious issue, which requires medication as a MD prescribes, and should be addressed as such. All I know is that through completing treatment and working a 12 step program turned this 400mg/day oxy user into a recovering addict with nearly 10 months of sobriety. Remember, we can do this together!