Please help me understand..

[KirstenHere]

So today I would have had 11 days clean...but I caved this morning and I dont understand why. I felt so damn good...sooo good! I dont get it, I really dont. I feel sooo horrible now! And please tell me I won't go back into full wd...WILL I? THIS IS HORRIBLE! I feel like scum of the earth right now...

[KirstenHere]

Why is my comment not showing up? Ugh!

[Taalian]

Don't feel that way... Remember

"There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.".

That has really been helping me, and remember you can make it through this, I'm on day 5 right now and having a rough time too, just remember to ask yourself how you feel? Do you really need the RX or are you not really in any pain? You can do it stay strong!!!

[KirstenHere]

Does anyone know why I would get sick from just a few pills? This part is blowing my mind. I literally got deathly sick.  And they were only vics. I'd do 3 30s without thinking twice just 2 weeks ago, and now less than 30 mil of vic made me sick?! I'm not understanding this at all. anyone with some input on this?

[Ann2497]

Have you gone some period of time without using and then used and got sick?  

I don't know what your past experience has been but if I go without using and then use on an empty stomach I have nausea and feel sick.

Sorry I can't be of more help.

[KirstenHere]

Does anyone know why I would get sick from just a few pills? This part is blowing my mind. I literally got deathly sick.  And they were only vics. I'd do 3 30s without thinking twice just 2 weeks ago, and now less than 30 mil of vic made me sick?! I'm not understanding this at all. anyone with some input on this?

[KirstenHere]

I have been going to na meetings, but last Sunday, my car broke down AT the meeting. so I have no ride until I get it fixed which is hopefully this week.

[Letitgonow]

Kirsten!

You'll be ok! It won't be anywhere near as bad, but it'll be annoying for a few days.

My last quit, I made it 3 weeks and took just one... it took me 2-3 days to resume at a normal recovery level.

This is part of the recovery process.... the reality is our minds take a lot longer to heal than our bodies. It's too easy to let our guard down.

I've realized that for me, exercise has to become my new addiction -- I'm going to consume it like I consumed those pills until I mentally am more able to cope with this problem.

[CATUF]

The fact is that most [addicts], for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in [using]. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first [use].
The almost certain consequences that follow [using] do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove.

AA's Big Book p. 24

What you did was completely normal.  Getting completely sick of feeling like you feel right now is part of moving to the point where you're able to move into sustained recovery.  

Make sure you pick up a new white key tag tonight . . . it will be important for your recovery and good for everyone in the group.  Above all else, recovery is about being open, honest and willing.

CATUF
2321

[Ann2497]

Don't beat yourself up - it happens to many on this board.  Good that you went to the NA meeting.  Keep posting and reading this board.  Most important thing is to not use again - do you have any pills left?  What did you take?

Congrats on the 11 days clean.  That is great.

[ricart70]

HI Kirsten,You can easily get back on track here.When I relapsed this last time it was because I was happy and felt good and back to normal.Things were going good.I would look at the thoughts that led up to the relapse.Was it that you knew they were available from someone?That will get into your head.Was it that you felt you would not be affected by taking a few?etc.etc.  If you analyze that thought process you have a much better chance at avoiding using again and can get back to where you were yesterday pretty easily.Oh yeah....and don't use again.Don't beat yourself up.The subconcious part that wants to use would love for you to beat yourself  to your knees over this and keep you there.Don't let it win!

[gnarly_1]

HI sorry to here of your relapse you wont go into withdrawals but it will mess with your head more then you think shame and falure are the 2 biggys here
you beat yourself up mentally to the point of total defeat ....you cant let this happen you need to learn from your mistake and get up dst yourself off and move forward I would highly recamend aftercare it is critical to sobriety
very few can do it alone you need human iteration right now google N/A meeting in your area and get to the first one you can become pro active in your recovery you can do this with some help good luck and God bless.....Gnarly

[overopiates]

ACTUALLY I AGREE W/freeofit all.Its a minor setback not to day1.

[KirstenHere]

Thanks everyone! This just really *****. I'm so mad at myself right now. I bought some, I didn't have them...I would never keep any in my house, I know better. And when I used today, I didn't even think twice about it. Well, at first I did, but after that, it was like my friend had just come home.
I've been going to na meetings and will be going tonight. Just feel like a hypocrite

[Free_ovitall]

I wouldn't say tomorrow is day one again,  rather, it's day twelve!  Today should have been day twelse and tomorrow day 13, but her 11 days are not a waste at this point, not yet. They would be if she lets the addiction win, and doesn't pick herself right back up again, dust herself off and jump back on that wagon!.
I consider days like these as like being  tripped,(by that nasty addicted brain) and fell down. It's only if you don't get back up right away that you risk loosing all that was accomplished in those prior 11 days!

[overopiates]

Theres no1reason why u relapsed.also ur newly clean+we tend2feel proud (which we should)but also so impressed we did it.When we were active n our addiction we use when were sad,stressed etc BUT REMEMBER we also used when we were happy,celebrating(basically ANY EXCUSE LOL).U need aftercare asap.U wont have any success when u have pills@home,pharmacy or connections(people who give u drugs r NOT FRIENDS).Relapse is common especially n the begining but it really stinks when u feel great+relapse4what u c as no reason2.Find NA meetings,addiction specialist something/someone besides urself2answer to.No u wont have w/d but i think that guilt might  be worse.Dont give up.No more.2morrow will b day1.Come&post.Constantly if u need2.U can do this.

[Innerstrength67]

Oh darlin, I know you feel like scum of the earth but please try and be kind to yourself. If I relapsed, you would tell me, you understand. Try and turn that compassion around and direct it to yourself. Addicts are impulsive. We want instant gratification and even though you were feeling great with 11 days, you are still an addict. Our addiction is in the corner pumping weights and waiting for us to have a weak moment. You havent lost your incredible 11 days. Now is the time to say, I won't go down that road again. You can stop right now...choose life, choose YOU!
it's not about falling down, it's about getting up and moving on. Don't let your addiction win! Keep posting. Message me if you would like.
Big hugzzz!!!!

[Free_ovitall]

Think of it this way; How can you learn to walk without crutches unless you throw them away?

FLUSH!!! (swirl, glug glug glug) FLUSH!!! (Swirl glug glug glug)  Let some fishes get a buzz, you don't want it anymore.

[Free_ovitall]

No you won't not if you stop right now.
And why did you have pills? Haen't you read on here time and time again that having a little "just in case" stash of pills NEVER EVER  helps you quit?? EVERY single person FAILS when they try keep pills.
Get rid of them, and get rid of any other way you can get more. Cancel your prescriptions, tell your doctor your problems as well.

Now, get back on the wagon, and learn from this. Addiction is a powerful illness, and it will take any advantage it can to get you to take another pill. KNOWING that you have pills, is something your brain can use to find a weakness in your resolve. Remember, this is a mind game even more so than the physical addiction part.

Toss the pills!  

[Psychobillyqueen]

I don't think you will go into full withdrawal. And yeah sometimes your just like **** it and just do it. And after your like aw I shouldn't have done that. Always think twice about what your going to do! Don't feel bad about relapsing it happens. Stay strong!