New here, going ct tommorow after relapse. Please help me.

[mental_mayhem]

  Hello everyone, I just want to say I've been lurking for awhile and am amazed and inspired by the number of good people on this forum helping people to beat their addictions. I hope maybe some of you can help me in my efforts to kick oxy for good.

  I am a 34 year old mom of two beautiful tots and like many others, was prescribed oxycontin for a bad back last year and a few months later started abusing my medication. I loved the energy and the fact these pills seemingly cured my depression which I have struggled with for years now. I could clean my house and take care of my two young kids and have energy to spare. well, that was at first. It then got to a point where I needed them to feel normal and that high and energy was long gone. I would run out early and then have to buy them. In December I ran up a $600.00 "pill bill" and was having health problems. My period had stopped happening and I began seeing blood in my poo.

Finally I decided enough was enough and quit almost a month ago. I stopped cold turkey from snorting 130 mgs a day. The withdrawals were absolute hell on earth but I hung in there and 10 days after detoxing started feeling a little better physically. But the problem with the mental aspect of quitting is what got the best of me. The depression kicked in and it was REALLY REALLY bad. A little over a week ago I relapsed and have been snorting 2 pills a day. For the last few days I have been cutting it back. Today, my last day of dancing with the devil for good I hope, I snorted one and a quarter pills. Now I'm done and hoping that because my usage wasn't long and that I was doing very little in comparison to before that the wds won't be as awful as they were. What can I expect? Will withdrawls be very bad or no? God I hope not.

I know I expect some wds but I'm trying to tell myself I won't get sick at all and be fine. (Hoping the power of suggestion tricks my body into not wreaking total havoc on me!). But what I dread the most is the mental part. I am looking into getting some therapy, I know post addiction support is a must and I plan on doing it right this time. I failed to get help after my detox and it looks like that was a bad idea to say the least. I have a lot of issues from the past that I used to pills to cover up. The pills insulated me from all those bad feelings and without them I'm a basketcase. I hate that I screwed up the little clean time I had. It was SO HARD to detox and I wish I just suffered and left the pills alone but life sober was unbearable emotionally. What can I do this time to make the mental part more bearable? And again, does the fact I am doing very little and only for a week or so mean I will not have wds near as bad? I wish I could hit rewind and go back to the time I never touched a pill in my life. I never knew what I was getting myself into. I never expected to have painkillers take over my life and brain. But now I need to get away from them for good, I have two wonderful kids and I dont want to have their childhood a fuzzy recollection of memories because I was high all through it.

Please give me some hope. I'm looking forward to tommorow and scared of it all at the same time. I want to be free of pills but don't know how to handle my emotions without them. To be honest, I don't know what normal is. I started smoking pot at the age of 15 to cover up the bad memories I have and only stopped when I started doing pills. Someone suggested I smoke a joint when I was detoxing to take the edge off and that didn't work. I ended up panicky and even more on edge! Apparently marijuana has the exact opposite effect it used to on me. I really do have to face life sober and that is scary to me because I have been getting high to escape how I feel sober all my life. Please help me.

[Addict63]

Good morning, I trust last night you got to bed without using. (I don't even need to add a question mark LOL)

Today marks the 14th day I last used. I feel really good. Lot's of energy, to address last nights concern you had. But, I stay in the now. An old friend in recovery taught me about the "liar". The liar pops up on my left shoulder and blows in my ear; telling me "You feel great. Let's party. You're RECOVERED now. You can use, and this time the results will be DIFFERENT!"

A dangerous time for me right now. The better I feel, the more the liar tries to get 1/2 of my brain to event a bunch of horse-pucky and the other half to believe it LOL!

I know a great NA meeting happening at 1PM today. You bet I'm going to be there. The liar will skip that meeting. Going to the meetings and listening to others share has taught me that I'll never recover. I'm one pain med away from a thousand. I'm an addict.

[mental_mayhem]

Worried thank you SO MUCH for your post, you cleared up a lot of what I've been thinking about with regards to energy and what can help my brain heal etc. And I know from experience that l-tyrosine puts me on edge. I was extremely anxious to the point I couldn't even have my morning cup of coffee because the adrenaline was running from the minute I woke up. I will look into the aminos that promote relaxation, I get edgy, emotional and depressed so whatever I can do to counteract that will help.

Im so nervous about tommorow but looking forward to getting back on track.

[worried878]

Oh...I do beleive that what u beleive is important...if u think wds will suk major hotdogs then most likely they will...ur attitude is good//u r set up to win...feeling a bit of excitement i think is warranted when tomorrow u r making a positive life change.....yey//u may not feel on top of the world for a bit but the things u will gain much outweigh the money u spent and the loss of control that can happen to addicts///i do believe that often how we plan to feel is how we will feel...planning to feel the best u can is admirable..those who work a vision of convulsing all over their house, vomiting on all of their furniture, being unable to move for weeks off the bed....are actually scaring themselves to death...and fear can paralyze us/////most will say their Physical wd was not as bad as they imagained it would be

good luck tomoro

[worried878]

i think she means the nrg high never comes back//once u lose it...ur nrg will come back..do not worry..just gotta get that doomer phase over with..the fatigue depression thingy...takes time..was tough for me/where most will relapse...most can take the physical but the mental is enu to make u wish u had never done pills//at least for me it did//didnt expect it....aftercare helps..if u didnt include it last time//may be good to include it this go around....think of whatever u can change to help u make it this time...exercise got me opff the couch even tho it was a true challenge to get up off the couch///had to do rocket shots to get out the door for work./.i was wilting big time
I did not have insomnia..lots do..what is the opposite of insomnia?  LOL..anyway...that is what i experience..could sleep 16 hours a day..felt i didnt have a life and the pills started seeming like they were not so bad an idea//as bad as i felt anything was better i thought//or fantasized it was anyway..anyway re-read the thomas recipe//tyrosine helped me lots..nrg was the reason i used and here i was in the biggest fatigue phase of my life//tyrosine boosts dopamine production//as does exercise//most who used for nrg need this neurotransmitter..it is responsible for feeling pleasure///chocolate, sex, shopping and gambling for some, laughter...all make us produce more dopamine..and when i supplemented i realize where my deficiency was...peeps who r anxious shoulnt use too much tyrosine//recommended at 2000-3000 mgs...for me it was a noticeable increase in nrg after i took it////for some who have anxiety vs fatgue type wd it can make them more anxious and they should wait until they feel the fatigue part of mental wd

anyway...good lucik to u...tomorrow is the big day!  Post and let us know how u r doing..the forum is a great place to be and lots of support///if u stick around these peeps will support u thru thick and thin...hang tight and keep posting

[mental_mayhem]

What do you mean Lona by the energy never comes back? I know I'll never have the pill energy again but I hope I have a decent amount of natural energy. Does the amino acid protocol help with that?  

[kona2009]

The WD's are still going to suck.  You can do it though with all of our help we will try to guise you thru it.  Aftercare is awesome.  I see a therapist and love it.  I was too stubborn the first time trying to go clean on my own and after a year I fell into the trap again.  My wife pretty much told me I need the help or ?.  I knew my life was going down the tubes and had to do something.

Now is the time for you to turn it around for those little ones you created.  You will never get that energy you had before cause it's gone.  Now everything just stops and makes you numb.  Even if you quit for a year like I did the the energy never comes back.

Talk to your doc to see if he can help you ease thru the WD's.

Take care and if you need anything we are here for you.

Kona

[Addict63]

As mentioned above by cleanmom and ga guy, it's the meetings and going on a site like this that will give you the strength and support to REALLY DO THIS. When a person is truly under the lash of addiction, they may find themselves willing to do ANYTHING... I soon found AA/NA the only thing that really works for me. I tried everything else first, just couldn't fix my own drinker and drugger. I can't, but we can.

[mental_mayhem]

Thanks so much for your great advice and support. I am desperate for change and I know its going to take a lot of work to get there but to me there really is no other option. I have to do it for myself and my family. Nothing changes if nothing changes, I've saw that before and I think its so true. For me everything has to change. I need to seek help for my emotional problems and stop using oxys as a bandage. I also need to make a lot of personal changes in my life. Find out who I really am and regain a sense of pride and accomplishment, I feel like I've wasted enough time with this ******** and want to truly live again. Cleanmom thanks for the great advice and I am going to pm you :)

[GA Guy]

It sounds like your background would make you a good candidate for therapy. I'd also suggest NA meetings like cleanmom mentioned. Get to 90 meetings in 90 days and it can save your life.

[cleanmom]

Glad you have joined us, welcome!! We are all here for you and will support you all the way, just keep posting and talking with us, we can get you through it. As addicts we are all afraid of wd really bad but it is really short lived, the physical part that is, maybe about 3-4 days for you at most. The real work as you know begins afterwards. Getting yourself a therapist is a great idea, even better if they specialize in addiction. Go to some meetings if you can or even contact your local hospital for information on any local outpatient programs. We basically have to relearn life sober mostly because none of us have any coping skills outside of our drug of choice. So, the best advice is recovery care. Its also advisable to tell your doctor whats going on. They can help and dont worry they have heard it all. There are things they can give you to make you more comfortable through the worst of it and they can be an excellent resource for finding recovery care. Also, check the health pages at the top right of this page for some supplements to help through the wds and after. You can PM me anytime if you need. Im here a lot as you have probably noticed from lurking, lol! I wish you the very best of luck and please know you have made the right choice and you are not alone. We are right here with you. God Bless............

Jacky