I'm at 100 hrs clean, why aren't I happy?

[jifmoc]

Is that asking too much? Dammit, this is pissing me off! Because I'm weak, I can't really do anything, so I'm bored, and moving at grandma pace (well a little better than that.) I'm feeling VERY discouraged, this *****. It *****. It *****!!! I want to be interested in things and enjoy things. But, I have to be in this effin state. No, I'm not gonna use (can't anyway) I'm just so annoyed and furious at THIS. Myself, everything. Why does this damn drug have to do this to us? This mite sound nuts, but I actually envy potheads, they don't get withdrawls AND it seems to be socially acceptable here in good ol LA. I'm envious of everyone that's not me!!!

UGGGGGGHHH!!!!

[jifmoc]

Hi! Nice to meet you. Thank you for writing. I'm a norco girl. (Lortab pretty much the same, rt?) I would walk down the aisle w/ norco and marry it if I could (there's a relationship to end in divorce: hey, I'm divorcing it rt now, rt?)

Anyway, yes, I'm watching my all time fave movie "Dog Day Afternoon"!

Nursey7- You're great. How are YOU feeling today...or rt now?

[Nursey7]

Girl you got this thing!  Don't be so hard on yourself. This is a serious disease that needs to be more understood!  It is very frustrating; I just want to be happy too!!  Just keep focusing on how good you will feel.  Please don't think ever think of yourself as weak; we are our worst critics. Remember the counting of pills, running out, freaking out; that's what really stinks!!!!!  

[chesney24]

I know I missed it somewhere but what is it that you take??   My demon is Lortab.   I know it is hard but it does get better,,,  stay on here, ask as many questions as possible and just vent all you need to.  You are not weak,  you can do it. Find something to keep your mind busy.

[ariley13]

Gotcha!

[jifmoc]

You are awesome, "truckin'' girl, please check your inbox.

[ariley13]

I say just let it out. If you're feeling sad and emotional, maybe you need a really good cry. If you're feeling angry and bi**hy, scream and throw some pillows. It can feel really good to have that release.

[jifmoc]

Oh God, Kyle, anything but the harsh. God Forbid I relapse, I am terrified of you.

But, today is hard because (us girls know), the cramps etc. are KILLING me even after so much advil. They are usually not like THIS!  I know that when we stops opiates things that don't hurt THAT bad, hurt like hell now and that's where I am. I'm also feeling really sad, really sad.

Words o' wisdom?

[kyle505]

Every hour adds another layer of health and happiness. We all wanted normal NOW; such is our approach to life. Think back on hour one. You would have given anything to be at 100.
You have a lot of healing ahead. It's a slow, deliberate process with an awesome reward. Now stay the course. Don't make me revert to my "harsh" mode. Congrats
K

[overopiates]

girl Ive noticed so many say they start there period when detoxing.Ur doing great.5days is huge.U will get to enjoying little things again.Ur mind will play games just remember its ur addiction not the real u

[ariley13]

Get on this site! Talk to a sober friend on the phone! Watch movies, listen to music, anything to keep you busy so that you aren't tempted to use! And I feel for you on the period thing. Happened to me too. I hear a lot of girls say that they start during detox, so maybe the 'shock' to the body throws your cycle off?? Who knows. Glad you're still hangin' in there. Congrats on 5 days!

[jifmoc]

California time here, so I'm posting later. Well, it's 5 day in 1 hr from now. Hey, no more counting HOURS, just days. Hmmm, that's pretty cool i guess.
For all you females, I just gotta mention, I woke up w/ my period and I thought "Oh boy, that must have REALLY been fabulous for my dtox this week!" Great timing huh?

Right this second, physically, I feel not bad, energy coming back. But, yes (and this is normal right?) pills are omnipresent in my mind; just what it would be like to have em etc., not plotting to get em.

Missmomma- you made me laugh w/ the penis thing. But, honestly, I wish wish wish, I had that gratefulness and mindfulness that you have to enjoy the breeze or colors or whatever. I am looking for that stuff, but I'm just not there yet. The most was when I walked my dog last nite, talked to people, and had normal chit chat and didn't mind! That's pretty huge I guess. I ALWAYS think I have to be a little buzzed to give a **** about talking to strangers.

Also, I am kinda scared today; scared of what my mind will do to me. I know it's dumb, but this is the place to do it. I know I can go to a meeting. But what does one do at midnite, when there may not be anyone to talk to?

[overopiates]

Oh and YOU ARE NOT WEAK YOU R AN ADDICT. Big difference.You taking the steps to quit.Thats not the actions of the weak.Its done by the strong!!!

[overopiates]

U should try to remember as addicts we r the kings and queens of INSTANT GRATIFACTION. Especially when it comes to physical or mental discomfort.We become very acustom to having our issues blocked out by taking something and within half an hour we feel"better".At2-3-4 days most r concentrated on the physical goin away. it simply takes time to get through the mental.U need to get aftercare going now.Once u do have just a few more days u will c how much better u feep physically and it will boost ur motivation to quit.Also having moments where you r truelly happy sober.The first time u forget that u r sober and juat laughing or enjoying a conversation or t.v. show its awesome.U basically learn to live ur life all over again sober and discover u r happy with it.I remember the waiting.As soon as I stopped tapping my foot and just tried to live i started to feel better

[Kera109]

How are you feeling today??

[missmomma0062]

Isn't noticing the little things just amazing?!! to just look and see the real beauty and the difference is overwhelming! I use to get so agitated with my kids over them repeating themselves a hundred times when they thought something was funny, for example, I teach my kids the proper terms like Penis and breast, when they learned penis you can imagine how that went... I would get so irritated at them, now I laugh with them (ok maybe not the most appropriate thing to laugh out) but the fact is they make me laugh now, I don't get mad, I enjoy them, their smiles, everything..
I sat on the porch on day 4 and I realized all the beauty I had missed, the colors of the sky, the trees, the smells and it was breath taking.. Write down all the things you've noticed and keep reading them.. see how long your list gets and be grateful you now have time to enjoy them..
I's super proud of you, keep fighting and keep posting! We will be here for you!

[Overwhelmed10]

Hi there, I too entered the addiction thing later in life.  I'm 40, and I started abusing Percocet at 38, and I'm 11 days clean.  Yes those first few days are hard hard hard.  Hang tight, push through.  I was glued to this site, even though I didn't post much, I had a special friend on here that supported me through.  Keep venting, let it out.  I was, and am, a huge baby when it came to sickness, pain, or discomfort.  HUGE!  Lol.  I swear if I can do it, anyone can.  Anyone!
You sound a lot like me.  I was always around alcohol, weed, and other stuff, and I never cared about any of those.  But then the opiates came along, and it was hook line and sinker!  Screw those pills controlling our lives.  You can do this!!

[ariley13]

Good morning! How goes the battle?

[dominosarah]

Keep reading and you will see many who entered the world of addiction in the last few years.  We have had some who became addicted within months.  The drugs affect us all in the same way no matter how long we had used previously.

[jifmoc]

Thank you for CONSTANTLY checking in. NEED it!! Weird I feel dif from hour to hour. I walked my dog/ long walk and missmomma asked if I noticed anything? Well, guess what, it was just calm. People didn't **** me off, I didn't feel agitated. Not happy, but just mellow. Haven't felt that in a long time.

Someone else above mentioned being older and using for a long time. This is where I feel like the freak: my whole life I've been a non drug using person, no one in my family, just not in my repertoire: a once in a while normal drinker, that's it. No issue whatsoever (other issues like depression/anorexia etc.) but drugs/alcohol were not even in my realm of thinking until about 6 years ago when I discovered the magic yellow pill. All the alcohol/weed/ whatever could fall off the face of the earth and I couldn't care less as long as I could have those pills. I hit 40 now. So technically, I'm a late addict bloomer (yippee) In meetings, I have yet to find anyone in my situation and that upsets me. But, I know I need aftercare and will go to meetings and whatever. Hell, being on this site ALL damn day feels like a 12 hour NA meeting. It kind of is actually. Anyway, just rambling.

Thanks to all, I feel wiped after the dog walk-good times! (Ugh)

[dominosarah]

I really wish we could look inside our body when we are detoxing and see what our internal organs are going thru.  They are working so hard to repair themselves.  Recovery is a slow process.  My biggest concern with you right now is your thinking.  You are still glamorizing that high, the high that kills us.  Have you thought about aftercare?  The mental part to this addiction is the hardest part.  I am over 5 yrs clean and i still have to check myself at the door everyday.  Being clean is the greatest feeling in the world,  I never experienced a high like this before and for that i am grateful.  You can do it!

[missmomma0062]

Attitude is everything!! I had the most postive attitude even threw the toughest times and it made such a huge difference! Get a note book, right down how you feel, for one it will make you feel beter to get it off your shoulders and for two, once this has passed you will know you never want to go threw this again! Then right down all the postive things that have happened. are you noticing anything? Beauty of nature? clearer head even if its just spurts? right down whats over. the rest legs gone? are you eating?
Ill tell you what once my appitite came back I don't think a Big Mac ever tasted so good, I can taste a lot of thigs I couldn't before, and Im not sure if it was because I was so worried about the pills or if they altered things..
Just breath, and remember were all Just a PM away...

[VICourageous]

Hi I know you hear this over & over about time..I will not say how many months I have and I still have them days here and there you are talking about.
I really think form my experience that if we used most of our lives and our a bit older it seems to be tougher..You will see each day get better..Bite the tongue and clinch the fist..Take it as it comes.When we remove the substances form our Body & Brain it has a lot of affect in us both physically and mentally..It takes time to readjust and balance back..OK
I think you are doing a great job.Just keep on truckin and do not look back!!!
Bless

[jifmoc]

Thank you, I'm gonna keep reading everything on this dang site, and everything you all tell me. As they say, give it over to a Higher power: well right now that's you guys. I know nothing, (well some things) so I'm in the hands of u all. Okay, so time. Just time.

Raph79- Yes I will stick w/ you. Since I have a tad more time than you my helping you could be beneficial for both of us since they say to always help someone else. Here is some encouragement for you at this very moment (it's hour by hour I swear), right now at 103 or whatever hours, I don't feel that bad physically. It's not that bad.

You may not feel that bad at 24 hrs. I always have "practiced" dtoxing by taking 24 to 48 hrs off, and sometimes it's really not that bad. It may not be that bad for you. PLEASE, your mind can make you crazy, just right now you have a flu coming on, then it's over. Just that, the flu, like everyone else, then it ends. This crap ENDS!!!!

[Twist00]

Totally agree with "back2me" Heh..

My only advise is to stop counting hours, it's good to know how long you've been clean but if you count the hours and say "why don't I feel better yet?" it's just going to be forever. Try to keep your mind on other things.

I didn't even feel almost normal until about two weeks in. I still have my back pain to an extent now, and I'm like 20 days in or whatever. Good luck.