Rediscovering yourself...?

[Ashelen]

So....this one is kinda hard to come out with. after all the things I've talked about with you guys, and on the pregnancy forum, and in the relationship's forum, you would think I have no shame and could talk about anything, right? but...well...this one is a pretty serious character flaw.

I'm a huge d*mned flirt. I used to juggle many guys at once just because I could - I wouldn't get serious with any of them because I wasn't CRUEL, but it was the highlight of my teenaged years to have many guys chasing me at once, and I was GOOD at it, too. Well...somewhere along the way I settled down with my husband and we have a great relationship - no real complaints. But even during our relationship I've always felt more comfortable knowing that there's someone on the outside looking in and wanting to be with me. I don't intentionally do it, and I haven't in years - about 5, to be exact. I used to always have that one guy friend who would fall for me and I would keep him at arm's length..I never cheated, never wanted to, but I loved being wanted and forbidden.

So...here's my embarrassing problem. all those feelings are coming back. I've kept in touch with ex-boyfriends and men who had interest in me in the past without any sort of problem over the last 5 (pill) years because I had no desire to initiate a chase, and I was very uninterested in being pursued. but now the memory of the thrill is coming back. and it's so weird because all of the times I quit before it happened too, but because I had a more "this is temporary" mindset, it wasn't a problem and I never really did anything about it.

I know I wouldn't cheat on my husband, it's just not me. I'm really not a cheater. but I don't know how to handle this return of my old self....I thought this "me" long buried and outgrown, I guess she was just lightly buried.

it's so silly to be worrying about this...I haven't even completed 5 days clean but already I know this is going to be a problem...how the H3ll do you handle rediscovering yourself - the good, the bad, AND the ugly?!

please don't judge me...this is a part of me from my past that I seriously regret. I chased away several really good best friends over the years because they became too deeply interested in me and I wasn't willing to chance my relationship with my husband - but as a result, I've lost a lot of good friends. I want to note that I never went for married/taken guys...just not my thing. and I never did ANYTHING with them....but if you want to talk about a tease, I'm sure my picture is in the dictionary under the term. my husband was always OK with it to a certain extent - he always liked having the girl other guys want, but I think that now that we're older and raising kids this is neither appropriate nor respectful and I don't want to even go there...but it was a HUGE part of who I was 'before'.

I think..in some ways...I wonder if I was eager to start taking the pills again because yes they killed the pain but they also dulled my personality? omg...if that's not addict behavior ....I don't know what is :-(

I'm really having a hard time with this, as silly as it sounds, I really thought I had outgrown this. what happens when I rediscover who I am without pills, and I don't like her?!

(to retell my story for those who don't know me/don't remember...I was a chronic pain patient(back/neck/head) and I never abused my meds, or took more than prescribed, but I was dependent nonetheless and got tired of the endless cycle - my PM doctor wouldn't support me stopping, he thinks I still need them, but I wanted to try life without the pills for awhile. I've stopped them before, but always with the help of meds and my doctors, and always because either there was no pain or because I was pregnant, etc...never have I stopped in the midst of a pain flare like I am now with the intent to STAY stopped - to bring you up to speed, i'm 4 1/2 days out from my detox and doing really well....UNTIL NOW! panic :-( ).

yep I'm sure I sound shallow and silly....and maybe I am...I don't know anymore. sorry for the novel, feel free to tell me what a goose I am.

[dominosarah]

Make sure you check back in when you can.......Stay strong!!             sara

[mellie4]

You'll be missed, Ashelen!!!!  Keep up the great work.  You've done great.  Good luck with the move!

[Ashelen]

Hey guys, 5 1/2 days done here and very content. I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm sorry to say I'll be MIA for the next week..we can't get our internet transferred to the new house until we pay the past due, and all the rest of this paycheck has to go into fueling the suburban for the move so we can't transfer until the next paycheck - next friday at the earliest.

just wanted to apologize and tell everyone I'll be thinking of you...hang in there, I'm so proud of all of my new friends. I'll miss you all :-(

[holagirl907]

5 days!   Wow!  That is great.  I am so proud of you.  You give me hope.

Take good care of yourself today...

**Nancy**

[Ashelen]

you guys made me chuckle, :-).

5 days now, I didn't even notice when the time came and went. Good today...more feeling disconnected and "unreal" but other than that very physically normal, so yay!

Feel like I turned the corner. slept like a log last night, woke up feeling good. moving into day 6 and I can definitely say I'm glad I did this.

[vicki595]

Sara-- Oh...you know how erudite I can be....LMAO    Oh and I'm a huge flirt myself so I know it's a maladaptive behavior!!

[dominosarah]

Quit using big words!!  Now i have to go and see WTH maladaptive is!! lol

[Ashelen]

Thanks Vicki and that's exactly why I wanted to talk about it..things brought to light are harder to hide, right?

I'm feeling great today...it's almost 5 days and I'm super content.

I'll definitely continue to keep that part of myself under a microscope and hopefully that will help me put it behind me.

I definitely realize it's a young behavior, and I realize what it sounded like when I said that - scared the crap out of me. you guys are amazing support, I'm so glad no one judged me.

Got a lot to sort out now - stuff I never thought about!

[vicki595]

Hey!!  You're scaring me!  Stop that right now!  One of these times,someone will get hurt.

Yes,your feelings are coming back and that's always great but I'll tell you what: that's a dangerous line you walk (or think about).  No no no !!   Remember,also,you're still pretty young so the old you was quite a bit younger and perhaps a little immature. That's a very young behavior (flirting) you know that right?  Now,you are someones' wife and someones' mother and you might want to act like the adult you are.  I know it's great for the ego but be careful there...I'm sure you will but I have to tell you anyway...

Something else you said:  Killing pain and dulling personality with pills.  I know you've had some bad pain BUT re-read what you said there.

What I love about you is that you're very smart. I know you recognize this behavior as maladaptive. I'm glad you've shared this so now it can be put to bed!!

How are you feeling today?

[Ashelen]

LOL Sara thank you for liking me! I wanted to say though I DON'T flirt with married or taken men...in fact when our friends come over who are male and in a relationship I always ugly myself up a little because I just don't think it's appropriate.

Thanks for the advice guys, it's good to know that it's expected to feel like this but to be on the watch. I really do think that in some ways I was grateful that i had less emotion on the pills because this never became an issue. my husband and I have been together 8 years and at my age that's quite an accomplishment. i would never do anything to jeopardize it, but I DO have self esteem issues.

thanks again guys I'll have to do some serious soul-searching!

[gnarly_1]

HI and wow does this bring up memory's......theres an old saying you play with fire and you will get burned....both my wife and I where both flirts its only fare to tell you we have been together since 16 and 17.....if you keep lighting the fuse the dinamite will go off in your hand our marrage has suffered adultery on both sides,.....somewhere the flirting crossed the line....deep down I truly believe it is a self esteem issue and the fact that the grass always looks greener on the other side of the street.....speeking from experience it can be devastating to a marriage it took many years and a lot of forgiveness to get past this.....you need to figure out just who you are so as not to have to find gratification in other men paying attention to you....its not to say we never flirt but your history you speek of spells trouble down the road....as for why its coming up now....your emotions are coming back on line they will be all over the place for a wile you will be very vulnerable during this time so watch what you get yourself into....I respect your honesty on such an issue...take it from an old flirt when you cross the line it takes years to earn that trust back I now have 31 happy years with the same wonderful women good luck and God bless.....Gnarly        

[dominosarah]

This involves our own lack of self confidence.  You are doubting yourself again as you are venturing into unknown territories with coming off the pills.  The attention meets a need of yours that you are lacking somewhere.  It reinforces you that you are still attractive and wanted.  It's the physical need that meets the emotional need......did that even make sense?!!!  You flirt with men that are safe so that is why you pick the married ones.  I know this feeling but i acted it out to the end.  I didnt care if they were married or not, if i wanted them i had them.  It met my needs at the time.  Now i dont need that sort of attention.  I have found thru recovery that i am okay, take me as i am and if you dont it is your loss.  You dont need to flirt to be liked and hopefully at some point you will feel secure enough and this will stop.  I like you for who you are and you didnt flirt with me!!  lol

[Eebb26]

I think with any life changing alterations your going to have old feelings come up. Everything is brewing and all you have to do is think, if you don't redirect ur mind you will think of pills. No wo Der u r thinking of things that made u feel good about yourself. A long a no1 gets hurt then I think u r fine. Just take one day at a time. Try to love urself again. Do what makes u feel back to normal if it gets u and keeps u clean.

[Ashelen]

thanks hon, I appreciate any and all advice - i have searched myself in the past to figure out why I feel like this..I think it's my version of being an adrenaline junky. I love forbidden romances, but not the kind where anyone gets hurt...lol. I'm a wuss when it comes down to it.

[GMcp]

oh ok :P i hope you find yourself boo and figure this one out <3

[Ashelen]

well no, I am quite happy actually - my husband and I have a great connection and a really fulfilling relationship..it's always been a part of my personality. I don't necessarily think that the behavior leads to cheating - 8+ years of it never did for me and never led to the desire.

I guess I didn't explain it right....at any rate, it's all a part of rediscovering myself and it's difficult.

[GMcp]

ps guys are all over me all the time and i used to totaly get off on that and flirt my lil tushy off with them ha! now i get off on going and grabin my man and jumpin him in front of the looser tryin to get with me, and it feels alot better than bein a flirt

[GMcp]

maybe it wasnt from the pills tho did you consider that? i was the same way until the time i actually went to far and messed around with the man of my dreams, i left my ex and everything and am with who im spoused to be with now and tho it was cruel and we had 2 kids together it turned out to be the best im happier and my ex is better off and i get the man of my dreams literary! if you were happy...well u simply wouldnt act like that :P its trueeeeeee <3