OK-Everything is going to be OK!!!!!!!! I'm so relieved! :)

[Flutterby111]

So I've been stressing out because I've relapsed 2 times since my dad died and I haven't grieved in a healthy way......for those who want the background, click on my posts, otherwise, you know what's up.  So My latest stress has been I ran out of pills on Monday and had mild w/d's on Tuesday/Wednesday-no energy, diahrea, leg cramps, whatever. My psych suggested Suboxone for me if I relapsed again, well, that was a week and a half ago, so Tuesday I was hell bent to start.  Called, he was out of town.  ****.  So here I am, no pills, no Sub.  So I research and find you have to be in w/d's to take the first dose.....so I scam a bottle of fioricet with codeine (hey it's better than nothing) just to start with knowing I'd be seeing the doctor today for physical therapy and he starts writing a script for percs, so I say, those are losing their effectiveness, got anything stronger? So he gives me 10's!!!!!! WOOOOHOOOOOOOO!  THEN!  I decide to call Suboxone's hotline to find out exactly what stage of withdrawls and what type of withdrawls you have to be in to take the Sub.....turns out even the mild ones I was in last Tuesday are enough!!!!!! SO!  This is my last bottle of pills!  My doctor will be back on Monday, I'll keep taking the pills, and me being so smart-hehe-already called to make sure Sub is covered by my insurance, as it is!!!!!!  Here it is folks!  The beginning of the end!!!  Soon I can begin battling the other hardest thing of my life.  Losing my Dad.  But at least I will do it right.  And the healthy way.  And I can handle being a good wife and mother and good to me in the process.....muah!  to me.

[Flutterby111]

Thank you for that information....knowledge is key.  And knowing when and what you can handle is also key.  I know enough about myself to say, hey I need help.  I need to greive my father, and I can't do that until I'm clean, but I'm scared to get clean because I'll have to grieve my father....get it?  Catch 22.  And these pills have turned me into a manipulative, lying, stealing, failure.  Of all the drugs I've abused in the past, this has been the most destructive.  Now is not the time for me to Fail.  I have WAY too much on the line.  Children, a marriage, my sanity about my beloved father, a newfound faith in God that has already lost it's shine because of drugs, I can't waste anymore time trying on my own to stay clean.  I'm a relapse waiting to happen.  At best, I'll trade pills for another street drug, possibly just marijuana which I don't think is really bad, but for me the way I abused it and for the length of time I did, it IS bad.  BUT WAIT2LONG, again, thank you....

[newgirl2708]

Please bee careful....take care of yourself.

[wait2long]

taking suboxone is a form of treatment, it is not swapping one addiction for another,  i actually resent the implication, sorry.   yes suboxone is buprenorphine which is an opiate but its a partial agonist combined with an antagonist and effects receptors in a TOTALLY different way than a full agonist, and if it was truly swapping one addiction for another why is it i am able to want and need less and less as time goes on? when your in full blown active addiction you require more and more as time goes on and the cycle of addiction does not stop,it worsens until you have lost everything or your dead,...yeah you have to taper and get off sub and go through withdrawals, everyone is aware of this - i would hope...but if your in active addiction, arent you faced with the same thing...?  a taper regime and withdrawals? either way your going to have to face withdrawals at some point...at least with sub, FOR ME and MY EXPERIENCE,  i have been successful in changing EVERYTHING needed for success, i go to therapy weekly, i have dealt with only some of my core issues, but will continue until ALL of them have been dealt with, i dont care how long the therapy takes, i'm in for the long haul...i will be successful in beating this once and for all...21 years of drug and alcohol abuse with a total of 13+ years of addiction.  i've had enough.
knowledge is the key....

[Flutterby111]

I'm really a strong person with alot of will power.  But this pill thing was the hardest thing ever....and for the peeps that were on here with me before my dad died, you know how hard the cravings were hitting me....but I was staying clean.  Now slap me with the death of my beloved dad and I just can't handle it.  I have to throw in the towel.  I'm not brave or strong enough to take both of these on at once on my own.  I went to NA last night, which was great.  Going tomorrow at 9:00 am.....Just an update.  I need help....and I AM finding it.  Now I just need to get on the Sub.  To answer Hops, I'll be on it for 6 months...now I'm aware the w/d's can be hell.  Let me tell you this....that's a risk I'm willing to take.  I need off the dope NOW.  If you read Lucy's entry above, that is exactly what I need to prevent before it's too late.  I'm already heading down that path.  I love my father MUCH more than the pills, but I'm addicted.  I can't make Dad's death go away.  But if Sub can make the cravings of opiates go away, then I welcome it.  My husband HATES all pills, but even he said he'd rather me take one pill than the schmorgasborgh (sp? LOL!) of pills and the amounts I'm taking now!.  Because now I take way more than I took when I quit the first time.  Twisted huh?  I think I have 20 oxy's left outta 60 since yesterday morning....yeah.  Going out with a bang.  'Peace

[worried878]

Coping is a real bumber without our old crutch...and that was awful timing for you right after u quit...the grief i would feel if i lost my dad right now...nevermind...dont wanna go there....you have a plan...do the best you can...just be sure to get the aftercare and stick with it if you do not plan on staying on the sub long term...the triggers will still be there...and losing your dad is a big one....but the next loss or stressor in your life...you will want to be prepared to deal with and after care helps so much

[bobby139]

Way to go girl, i knew in time you would get a plan going.....you so need to grieve the right healty way......i didn't for years as you know and when you get straight please be prepared cause it does hit you like a ton of bricks agian but just go with the mourning and you will get threw it.....and i am always here for you if you want to pm me at anytime.
love ya
bobby

[hopsing94]

You sound very happy about your plan. I to am sorry about your loss. It's not easy no matter who you are. Flutter please do as much research on the sub as you can. Seriously think about how long you plan to be on it. In my case I want to use it only long enough to get through w/d from the pills. I don't want to trade one for the other and I feel like I'm doing that already because I still have to take something everyday. I havent had any withdrawl from the hydro which is great but I think alot of people are right when they say if it sounds to good to be true it probably is. I'm starting to taper from the sub monday which will be 1 week. I hope to be off the sub in a total of three weeks. I want this to work out for you so bad. Just be cautious ok.

[Flutterby111]

Thank you....you do understand. ok, i am doing the right thing!!!!!!! than you. No one knows the battle!

[lucyred68]

I, too, lost my dad while on methadone for extreme back pain.  i didn't kick the done till almost 2 years after he died.  then, because of the drugged state i was in when he passed, i had to go through the mourning process 2 years late.  my family is doing well with his passing now, and can't really understand why i am having a hard time.  unless you've been there it's hard to understand.  they try, but.....    anyway, i understand what you are facing, and am so glad you have a plan and can do this now instead of years later.  i will be praying for you,

Lucy

[Jacqui805]

I've been thinking about you....and I'm glad you've got a plan..  I'm wishing you some happier times ahead my friend.  : )

[Flutterby111]

Um, yeah.....Suboxone.  I need to clear my head of pills and cravings so I can focus on my father......did I forget to write that?  I'm confused......and meetings.

[addictedme]

Very sorry about your loss,,my Dad passed away Nov.21st,07. Do you have any plans for recovery ? gl to ya

[mimi1313]

I'm so happy for you!! I know you've had it really rough lately. I'm really glad to see you have a plan and want this so bad!!

And you already are a good wife and mother becasue you want the best for your family. I wish you all the luck in the world and will be rooting for you!!

Melissa