SSDD I am like every other broken record in here. I didnt know there were so many of us!?...

[gilleygoatgruff]

So here we go. Just like all of you have done I have just quit reading post on here. I have sit and done it for 2 days! Mostly because you guessed it, I have been out for 2 days. Here I am again 2 weeks before my dr visit and I am out. This *****. My life is a rollercoaster that the devil is pulling the levers on. Just when I have decided I want/need to quit I go right back up again and I have two bottles full of reality supprressor's I have real life aches and I do sometimes need the meds but most of the time I take them because it makes my life better even if only for a little while. I was devorced 3 years ago and left to raise my 2 lil girls. Thank God I found someone to accept a package deal when she herself was a package deal to. Anyway so here I sit on the couch and for the first time in 3 years I have no pills... hard to belive huh? me to. I was a spoiled lil brat only child and I didnt come from a well off family but I never wanted for n e thing. The word "NO" was not in my vocabulary. But now that all my money is gone and all my bills are stacked up and all my utilities are about to be shut off and all my things of any value are in pawn I am left with no choice but to sit here and take it. I havent been with out a percocet in 3 years. I know that there are probably people out there that are worse off than me and have had to go through worse and I feel for ya. I am 32 years old 6'3 and 265lbs I was not a bad looking guy once upon a time I would like to think its still the same, but I can tell I have let myself go. I lost my job after 5 years when I devorced and I thought it would be great to finally get to spend some time at home with my kids that I have never got to do. Big mistake. My back went out.... so I go to the dr and found out there is all kinds of jacked up stuff wrong with it. I wont list it cause it wld take all day but n e way I got pain killers. at first I didnt abuse them then I noticed that they made me feel great! I used to take a half of a tab 5 and be sick from it now I take 3 perk 10's as soon as my feet hit the floor in the morning then get up get a my dew and snort 2 more. and you can fill in the blanks about the rest of the day. But its up to about 15 a day. I dont have to work so I got nothing to do all day but sit here. Sometimes by myself. I am wonderful person to be around when I am on them and I have found that the amount that it takes to make me hight now is not only dangerous and expensive but dosent even really make me high. just like a lil sick I guess is how you would put it. But nothing like it would be if I am without them. I have a network of people who do the same thing and we all know when each others dr dates are every month...thats sad. I have kids and a hospital is not an option for me. You know I have also found out that sometimes even when you cry out for help you wont get it because your friends and family your loved ones are the very one feeding your habit and they want that money! When I have got pills I dont want to quit I say that I can controll it myself cause if I tell my dr then you can bet your butt you wont get nothing ever again. But it never works out that way I always have been low for a few days when I get them so I tell myself I am just gonna go crazy on them that day and then I just stay high till they are gone. Then when I start getting low I start freaking out which in turn makes me take even more. So I am burning up the fone trying to locate. You all know what I am talking about we have all been there. I have done everything but prostitute and trust me if I was goodlooking I might try it...lol I dont know man I dont know if I even really wonna quit I just reallllly realllly wont a handfull of pills right now and am freaking out. any of yall packing? lmao just kidding. I am beside myselff I know you are not supposed to wish your life away but I wish I had a remote like adam sandler in that movie "click" so that I could just fast forward to my next pill or mabey not I dont know mabey I should just quit since I have never went 36 hours without n e thing. It has consumed my life and my walet my time my body and prob soon to be my relationships witheveryone I know. I called my mother in a moment of weakness a year ago and told her that I had been high for 2 years and she said "I Know" It broke my heart my mother told me how she knew and how worried she has been. That depressed me more so I went and snorted it away. I also have kids that would make the pope cuss! I am not kidding dont laugh it aint funny, you come watch there lil mean azzes for a coupla hours and you will need drugs to. N e way I guess I am done venting for now. Hope to see lots of responses lord knows I need it. I go by and nicknamed gilleygoatgruff cause I am so grumpy n hatefull all the time. Trust me if you had my life you would be to. Keep me in your prayers as I will all of you in mine.ttyl

[10356]

Hi gilleygoatgruff.. I have read your whole thread and em worried for you.. I do believe in good and evil but the demons you speak of i can not wrap myself around although I can your dreams and experiences.. from what it sounds to me you have a toxic buildup of drugs combo and maybe even toxins that your liver and kidneys can no longer filter causing hallucinations.. I em not a Dr, I can only speak from my experiences.. when I hit my bottom I was consuming pers like candy I have stage 3 kidney disease and stage 2 liver disease. the toxins were so built up and the drugs so much in my system I had a break from reality.. I had thought my family moved me to another town I did not recognize my own bedroom I have lived in for over 27 years I was seeing things that are hard to describe and could not figure out if I was dreaming our if I was awake. I was speaking to my husband about conspiracy's others may have that are dead as if they were still with us. I could not write sign my name our do simple math.. this went on for a couple of weeks the whole time me eating percs. my family did not know what to do they did not want to betray me but I was dieing right before them. finally my husband took me to my Dr. I could not even speak to him for at that time I could not formulate speech. I had to go back everyday as they lowered my dose slowly for 3 weeks then I was forced to seek help. they wanted me in a rehab for 6 months with no contact with family for the first 3 months. I could not do this nor could my husband do this to me so I went thru therapy. It literally saved my life. There is a reason we take our addiction to such levels.. I really believe your life is in jeopardy and if you do not get a grip now you will not be able to in the future.. Your idea of moving to get stronger drugs is insane.. your idea that if you move to this new place you will be outdoors enjoying the sunshine the waves is a lie you are telling yourself. as long as you are in the grips of active addiction you will not enjoy any of these things.. You are pawning your childs things for drugs It sounds to me like your mom is helping you raise your girls for I do not see how you are capable. I do not mean this to sound harsh just the reality of your situation. what are you trying to kill inside yourself that you are taking your addiction to this level ? I was trying to kill my past my memories of my past of child molestation and rape of abuse and neglect.. You speak of loving your children more then anything but this is not true for your drugs come before them.. I have given a child up for adoption a daughter to my mother thinking it was for the best for them but in reality it freed me up to pursue my addictions. I regret this today but the past I can not change.. we can only change today.. I will say a prayer for you that you get a handle on this now our that like my case someone loves you enough to intervene for I do not think you can keep this up much longer.. I really do wish you wellness of spirit body and mind.. lesa

[gilleygoatgruff]

You are right I am currently waiting to my next script. (Which is friday) All of you are right..... The only time I think clear though is when I am clean. Like for now example. I have snorted half a greenbean this morning and took 1200mg of nurotin. The thing that scares me is I say that ima tapper off then when I get them I o/d for atleast 2 days. Im talking bout waking up just to take more. Every month it gets worse. I get two scripts at diff times a month and o/d everytime.... Last night after I posted I went to bed bout 2am and I slept just long enough to have a horrible nightmare. I was paralized I know thats not spelled right. n e way from the waist down I couldnt feel nothing...In my dream I wasnt sad about it, I think I kinda accepted it. In my room was a old lady I have never seen before,who I thought was dead because she was tilted back on the toilet with her mouth locked open and her eyes fixed. I wheeled myself back around to my bed and started to pull myself in and she poped out of the bath room. So I wheeled myself out into what was supposed to be the hallway and it was a mad house! It was like a two floor mall and all around people were running and screaming and here I was confined to this wheelchair. I remember I had a pop (soda) and didnt want no one to drink it. It was sitting beside me on a bench. I looked away for a second and looked back at my soda and the tab was turned backwards? Like someone was fu ing with me then I looked straight and realized y everyone was frantic. 2 inches from my face was a little girl with glowing white eyes drooling on me. She was alive but dead (kinda like me) So I quickly grabed her and snaped her neck...."Yeah I know" N e way I yelled for everyone to start doing that because it worked. (yea another zombie apocaliptic dream)

My point is this do you all think that this is my mind just going nuts because of to much of one drug or lack there of another? Or is this possibly GOD trying to tell me something? I am confused. I dont think I have mentioned this but in may I am moving out of state or I am trying real hard to anyway. The sad reason is I am moving for two reasons. 1 is the warm climate weather and the ocean is 30 minutes away. The other is I know I can get twice as much meds and twice as strong. I have had dreams of me being there and they were never good. I want to move so badly to run from my problems here and belive me there are alot. I would have to take my girls and leave my mom and that makes me sad but I hear it calling me..... Here I get 90 perk 10s 120klonapins 90 loracet and nurotin where I want to move with my back problems and MRI in hand I will easily get roxy 30 or OC and z's and alot of them. I know this cause bunch of people from my town have went to get them and are now doing hard time. I want to move because of the weather but I am scared of myself because of what I can access. I started school this semester not to better myself but just to access the money to move. IDK mabey I shouldnt even try to get them if I move. Its a whole new beginning for me and my family I have often thought that I would quit when I get there cause its sooo beautiful. I would have many more destractions and not my dr. So y go get another one to quadrouple my meds when its so hard now to quit what Im doing I can only imagine what it would be like to try to quit from anything harder. ( I wish these damn shakes would go away, makes it hard to type ) Anyway I tell myself I will just have my cake and eat it to while I am here then stop when I move. I think I am a half way inteligent man. I know what to do and what I need to do it.
Let me ask you all something its a little out ther but do you all belive in demons? I am not talking about it like when people say you got to tackel your own demons. I mean real actual demons. I feel if I am being tourmented by atleast one possibly two. I feel like they keep me oppressed and depressed and thats y I suppress. Any one who belives in demonic possion knows there are 3 stages of full on demonic possesion. 1.deperession 2.opperssion and 3. possesion. The only thing that scares me more than leaving my girls behind is eternal damnation in a firery pit of hell. It wakes my up at all time during the night and has even crawled in bed with me and choked me. I jolted because I thought it was one of my kids that had just crawled in bed with me and when I jolted it dissapeared. I had my hand on its head.....I felt its hair.... Sometimes I feel if I was to turn quickly I would see it like in my dreams 2 inches from my face screaming at me in anger, wanting to hurt me. I swear I can feel when it enters the room. Especially at night. I am a light sleeper and if you walk into my room I will wake up. And at almost everytime it is at 3am and as you may know that is the mockery of the time christ died. Have you ever heard of or had this happen to you. I woke up one night and came into the living room and sat on the couch and a big big female demon with very lil clothes came either out of me or from behind me and stood in front of me and I was scared stiff then bam! I woke up again. I was scared. I came into the living room again and because of my dream I sat on the love seat and then I looked torward the tv and there was a lil girl with long black hair and black eyes and a faded night gown on staring at me chanting..... I was scared stiff again. then bam! I woke up again.... I had a dream within a dream within a dream. I was to affraid to get up again so I shook my gf beside me and she made some noise and eventually everything faded out and I woook up and it was daylight. I still dont know if the third time was real or not but i wasnt about to get up again...IDK what it is about night time and cold weather but it makes me very sad. Does it do that to you guys? winter is soooo long where I live and I live in the southern backwoods. You caint go outside and its dark at 5:45pm every evening. It su cks. Thats another reason I want to move. Where I want to move it is 80 degrees today. I can taste the salt water from the wind on my lips right now..... The warm sun blasting me in the face. It is beautiful. I think I really need a new beginning and surroundings But I dont think I will be able to run from my demons... My drugs or the real ones. Its like a 200lb backpack that I can never take off. Do you all think that my new surroundings will help me when I get there?

[Jane1962]

you said you live in a small town so there probably aren't very many resources for you there. It sure sounds like besides being addicted you are depressed and anxious. You need to get some professional treatment if you are going to break this cycle. I have been where you are, I spent almost one year in bed because they had me on so much medication that I could no longer function. I never doctor shopped and two years before he left me my husband went to my doc and told him that I needed to get off the meds. The doc told my husband that I wouldn't be able to function without the medication (I had chronic intractable migraines and went to a doctor that is respected and a nice person).

Two years later I lost my job, my house, my husband and most of my friends. Thank God that I had one friend who stood by me through everything. 5 years later I am still on and off pills, I go through withdrawls quite often I know it *****. I was completely clean for one year then my Mom got sick and I had to move home to help my parents and because I never got any help my life was still a mess. I steal percocet from my Dad who needs them alot worse than I do. I can never get to the point where I stay clean all the time. I do take something for anxiety 4mg. of klonipan but I am currentely working with my doctor to start weaning of those, tried to go cold turkey, narcotic withdrawl is nothing like trying to withdrawl from benzo's they definately need to be tapered. Monday I have an appointment with a drug counselor for a drug assesment. I am about to finish up my master's in Rehab and drug and alcohol counseling, I couldn't be a hypocrite and tell others not to do drugs when I was doing them.
Pain meds are my thing, they seem to give me energy and make me feel not as depressed. I wouldn't say I take enough to get high, I can go all day and only take a 10mg. oxy. but if I don't have something I do get cravings and feel like an idiot looking all over the house, and car just for a dropped pill or one I forgot to take.
You can get clean but it sure sounds like you need to get help. Many times there are mental health issues associated with drug use, depression, anxiety or bi-polar issues that have never been treated so we continue to self medicate to relieve the pain.
There should be a program that is offered by your state that will pay for those who cannot afford to pay for treatment. If I were you I would look into this. Don't loose your family believe me it is a devestating feeling. I was so out of it when my husband and I split up I didn't even realize he was so close to leaving me, now that I look back on it I see all the signs were there I was just to overmedicated to care. I am blessed with two wonderful kids who have forgiven me and support me in my effort to finally get clean completely. I also have saints for parents, without them I would be living on the street. I use to be a very succesful and ambitious person, I pray that I can have all that back one day very soon. You can too just reach out for help and it will be there,  In your situation though I really think you need some type of in-patient treatment to help with the detox and some of the other mental health issues you are having, there is nothing wrong with getting help!!!! Addiciton is a disease just like any other disease it needs to have the proper treatment so you can get well. I will pray for you and your children.

[gnarly_1]

Dude time to quit trying to score and time to say im going to do this ......your life is a reck your at rock bottom you need to get clean I Get the feeling your just waiting for your next script to come in you need to put an end to this madness b/4 it kills you .....you have kids to take care of pawning there stuff is not taking care of them it time to look at the big picture put your big boy pants on and buckle down and get clean it is the only rational solution im sorry if I come off as harsh but someone needs to wake you up I normally dont go this route but inpatect rehab might be your only solution give this a try on your own but start to try and that begins when you quit taking pills to get off pills if you dont dye of an O/D there are many more painful ways todye from this disease liver failure or kidney failure are just a few im not trying to hard nose you im just trying to wake you up b/4 it to late I care about everybody that comes threw here im just trying to get you to see the seriousness of your situation good luck and God bless.......Gnarly  

[wannabeedone]

Wow...that is some power stuff there..made me start bawling my eyes out towards the end....Im pretty much in the same situation currently..havent been clean for going on three years....trying to go cold turkey from the vics with a little help from some ativan...littlebit said it perfectly....tears really do cleanse the soul...i just hate to let anyone see me cry...my son had brain surgery...which is when this nightmare began..and I didnt even cry in front of my family.I know its seems so hard to think positively...but apparently ..we have no choice!!! If we want it bad enough we can do this! One of my main motivations is to think of how i was BEFORE all of this bs....i can and will be that person again...soon enough maybe we can be on here reflecting to others our magnificent journey out of the darkness!

[littlebit010101]

Gilley just take a breath hon....its ok..the drugs mess our brains up...u have to get off them and let ur body heal and u can think more clearer...I promise u just stop and let the healing start ur body will mend itself its designed that way...we all have guilt trust me...but our family loves us and family forgives us...just give urself a chance and your girls...wds aren't easy but u can do it...ur emotions will be all over the place but just go with them...tears cleanse the soul....dig deep down and find that strength to get ur life back....keep posting please...it really helps....