Aa
So conflicted on my next steps with tapering :(
Today I just realized something.... When I first started my taper off of 15/Norco day, I was hurting bad. I kept thinking...
"I'm at 6 Norco/day and feel this sh*tty. That's still a pretty high dose. What's wrong withe me? I must be weak. What's going to happen when I hit 3 Norcos/day. What am I going to do when I take the jump to ZERO!?!"
The anxiety was paralyzing at times. The withdrawals were toying with my emotions and burning through my body. Recently I posted a question about Suboxone because I have an entire bottle of it here at home. In between my knee surgeries, my doctor gave it to me to help with the pain. Not knowing what I was doing really... I continued my ongoing 15 Norco/day habit and ON TOP started taking 4mg of Suboxone a day. I didn't realize how potent it was. I mean I had read online that it was strong, but since it didn't give me any sort of high - It seemed sort of "fake" to me... I felt like it was harmless and wouldn't affect me in the long run. I thought my Norco addiction was my only devil. For 2 -3 weeks leading up to my last surgery, I took 4mg of Suboxone everyday. After I had my procedure, I stopped the Suboxone CT. I didn't think a thing of it. Now I wonder if part of my withdrawal symptoms have been because I took this medication. I mean, I quit taking it 3 weeks ago, so maybe now, that too is seeping out of my body. Perhaps I'm wrong - because I only took it for 2 weeks... I just don't know.
So now, on Day 6 of being at 6 Norcos/day - here's where I am:
I got through the entire night without waking up or needing a bath... YES! I think that means I'm heading in the right direction, right? I hope so... I still hurt A LOT in the mornings and off and on throughout the day. I still have lots of cravings... And the anxiety - sometimes I wonder if that will ever go away. but I can deal with it and I got to keep going. Now I need to figure out when I should taper to 5 Norco/day and I'm SO torn what to do.
I just got 2 cortisone shots this morning and was told I'd be in pain for a couple days or so, I also have 3 grueling sessions of physical therapy this week, AND I have to go to a full-weekend function in Pebble Beach for my husband's company on Friday — where I'll have to hob-nob like I'm "normal" with all the executives. UGH!!! Now, I'm thinking I'll do my taper to 5 Norco next Monday instead of this Wednesday as I had planned.
I hope that doesn't make me weak. I hope prolonging the taper for a bit longer than I had planned doesn't mean I'm not committed. I hope I'm not mind-screwing myself to think... "Oh I'll taper later because I can't cope with less Norco this week" I feel like I have genuine reasons to hold off on the next taper. But I also feel like ALL addicts come up with an excuses not to keep pushing through.
I'm disappointed in myself right now. Maybe I should cut down to 5 Norcos on Wednesday regardless of my post-surgery knee pain, regardless of my travel obligations, regardless of the physical therapy. Ugh... I don't know what to do... Haha, I don't know why I'm even posting this... I know my problems are minor to other people's issues. I just needed to VENT. That's all.
I hope you all are having a great day! xoxoxoxo
"I'm at 6 Norco/day and feel this sh*tty. That's still a pretty high dose. What's wrong withe me? I must be weak. What's going to happen when I hit 3 Norcos/day. What am I going to do when I take the jump to ZERO!?!"
The anxiety was paralyzing at times. The withdrawals were toying with my emotions and burning through my body. Recently I posted a question about Suboxone because I have an entire bottle of it here at home. In between my knee surgeries, my doctor gave it to me to help with the pain. Not knowing what I was doing really... I continued my ongoing 15 Norco/day habit and ON TOP started taking 4mg of Suboxone a day. I didn't realize how potent it was. I mean I had read online that it was strong, but since it didn't give me any sort of high - It seemed sort of "fake" to me... I felt like it was harmless and wouldn't affect me in the long run. I thought my Norco addiction was my only devil. For 2 -3 weeks leading up to my last surgery, I took 4mg of Suboxone everyday. After I had my procedure, I stopped the Suboxone CT. I didn't think a thing of it. Now I wonder if part of my withdrawal symptoms have been because I took this medication. I mean, I quit taking it 3 weeks ago, so maybe now, that too is seeping out of my body. Perhaps I'm wrong - because I only took it for 2 weeks... I just don't know.
So now, on Day 6 of being at 6 Norcos/day - here's where I am:
I got through the entire night without waking up or needing a bath... YES! I think that means I'm heading in the right direction, right? I hope so... I still hurt A LOT in the mornings and off and on throughout the day. I still have lots of cravings... And the anxiety - sometimes I wonder if that will ever go away. but I can deal with it and I got to keep going. Now I need to figure out when I should taper to 5 Norco/day and I'm SO torn what to do.
I just got 2 cortisone shots this morning and was told I'd be in pain for a couple days or so, I also have 3 grueling sessions of physical therapy this week, AND I have to go to a full-weekend function in Pebble Beach for my husband's company on Friday — where I'll have to hob-nob like I'm "normal" with all the executives. UGH!!! Now, I'm thinking I'll do my taper to 5 Norco next Monday instead of this Wednesday as I had planned.
I hope that doesn't make me weak. I hope prolonging the taper for a bit longer than I had planned doesn't mean I'm not committed. I hope I'm not mind-screwing myself to think... "Oh I'll taper later because I can't cope with less Norco this week" I feel like I have genuine reasons to hold off on the next taper. But I also feel like ALL addicts come up with an excuses not to keep pushing through.
I'm disappointed in myself right now. Maybe I should cut down to 5 Norcos on Wednesday regardless of my post-surgery knee pain, regardless of my travel obligations, regardless of the physical therapy. Ugh... I don't know what to do... Haha, I don't know why I'm even posting this... I know my problems are minor to other people's issues. I just needed to VENT. That's all.
I hope you all are having a great day! xoxoxoxo
Best Answer
IBKleen, lol, I think my long responses have to do with the fact I'm on day 33 only, I decided what the heck and quit my Anti depressant and ADD meds as well, so my thoughts are racing everywhere! Normally, I write well, but now I can't seem to articulate!
Ann, I only mentioned cleaning the social calander because of the anxiety Miss Creative is already experiencing. It's different for everyone. My physical wasn't so bad, but the anxiety was paralyzing. Reading back then how you chaired a meeting was incredible to me!
Where are you traveling to pill free? Congrats!
I canceled my girls weekend away for this month, still to nervous. But, I have suffered anxiety all my life, and have been through spells like this lasting up to 6 weeks in the past. ( Thank heavens for FMLA) it may be a coincidence it's happening at the same time.
And to the OP, is there and end to your pain in sight? A fix? I certainly hope so!
Glad your hubby's on board, though asking you not to go down is strange, unless this type of event is rare, and not an every month thing?
This was actually an informative post to newbies, an inspiration..
Because I'm with you at only day 33, I would dread such an event right now. But remember back when I would have looked forward to it, and seeing IBKleens post is a reminder to all of us that we can look forward to stuff like that again once we are clean after awhile, like IBKleen is!
Ok there's my book lol!
Good luck, and I hope you do at least enjoy the event.
Ann, I only mentioned cleaning the social calander because of the anxiety Miss Creative is already experiencing. It's different for everyone. My physical wasn't so bad, but the anxiety was paralyzing. Reading back then how you chaired a meeting was incredible to me!
Where are you traveling to pill free? Congrats!
I canceled my girls weekend away for this month, still to nervous. But, I have suffered anxiety all my life, and have been through spells like this lasting up to 6 weeks in the past. ( Thank heavens for FMLA) it may be a coincidence it's happening at the same time.
And to the OP, is there and end to your pain in sight? A fix? I certainly hope so!
Glad your hubby's on board, though asking you not to go down is strange, unless this type of event is rare, and not an every month thing?
This was actually an informative post to newbies, an inspiration..
Because I'm with you at only day 33, I would dread such an event right now. But remember back when I would have looked forward to it, and seeing IBKleens post is a reminder to all of us that we can look forward to stuff like that again once we are clean after awhile, like IBKleen is!
Ok there's my book lol!
Good luck, and I hope you do at least enjoy the event.
This event is a once a year thing... and his company had to pay a LOT of $$$ for us to be there and we committed to it a year ago. It's the Pro-Am Golf Tournament in Pebble Beach and a plays major role in the advancement and good graces of his career, because of all the executives that are there. It's a great honor that he's invited to attend each year. If this stupid thing weren't such a big deal, I wouldn't go. He is a sweet man and said if I am feeling awful, I don't have to attend the events. So... we'll see... maybe I'll skip it and just sit on my couch connected to my icing machine and sulk! Really, how can I walk around the golf course anyway... I have to use crutches right now if I go long distances. Me = Party Pooper!!! :)
In all seriousness though, I understand life changing medical diagnosis.
I got mine a year, year and a half before I started pain meds.
I could no longer work ( my identity, my feel good) physically only leave home a few days a month, and even at home, be bed bound much of the time. Also know my life span will be reduced by about 20 years, if I run into no complications. I figure I have 15-20 years left. I do hold faith the med community will find a cure.
I had to find new ways to be happy. I started a home business, and am doing decent with it. I hope that being clean will kick start it from decent to great. I learned over the last couple years to be grateful if I got a good few hours, to go to dinner or the movies. Take my daughter to a concert.
You have a goal too, a baby. The best goal ever. So, I know you feel anger. I do to still sometimes. But I must stop and think of all those so much worse off. A cliche yes, but true.
It's so wonderful you have a supportive hubby. It's hard for him too, he doesn't want to see you in pain. It's actually probably really hard for him not to give you more. Kudos to him.
Keep fighting. I'm so very sorry to hear about your dr saying you may never run again. But they aren't always right.. Far from it. They told my Dad he would never walk again after overnight sudden onset of MS. He told them they were wrong. Went on not only to walk again, but counsel other newly diagnosed MS patients, and a long story why, but about 6 years later actually thank God for getting the MS. He found a reason for it, strange as that may sound. If I wrote it all out, it would be a book!
Hugs.. Here to talk anytime you want.
My name is Barb btw. RTR stands for my football team. Roll Tide Roll :)
I got mine a year, year and a half before I started pain meds.
I could no longer work ( my identity, my feel good) physically only leave home a few days a month, and even at home, be bed bound much of the time. Also know my life span will be reduced by about 20 years, if I run into no complications. I figure I have 15-20 years left. I do hold faith the med community will find a cure.
I had to find new ways to be happy. I started a home business, and am doing decent with it. I hope that being clean will kick start it from decent to great. I learned over the last couple years to be grateful if I got a good few hours, to go to dinner or the movies. Take my daughter to a concert.
You have a goal too, a baby. The best goal ever. So, I know you feel anger. I do to still sometimes. But I must stop and think of all those so much worse off. A cliche yes, but true.
It's so wonderful you have a supportive hubby. It's hard for him too, he doesn't want to see you in pain. It's actually probably really hard for him not to give you more. Kudos to him.
Keep fighting. I'm so very sorry to hear about your dr saying you may never run again. But they aren't always right.. Far from it. They told my Dad he would never walk again after overnight sudden onset of MS. He told them they were wrong. Went on not only to walk again, but counsel other newly diagnosed MS patients, and a long story why, but about 6 years later actually thank God for getting the MS. He found a reason for it, strange as that may sound. If I wrote it all out, it would be a book!
Hugs.. Here to talk anytime you want.
My name is Barb btw. RTR stands for my football team. Roll Tide Roll :)
hey girl slow and steady will win the race, don't worry if the taper is longer than you thought. I understand pain and PT and all of that mess i have been there many times, take Aleve and ice before PT it does help. Im glad your hubby has the pills, i believe in a taper but to be honest its so hard to do, so you really need to be strict with yourself. Whatever you do, don't take more. So if you feel you need a few more days on 6 a day, thats ok, also being on a taper is not going to make you feel normal, you will feel wd's just mild compared to CT. Keep up the work, and drop when you are ready.
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I know your future plans are to go from 6 norcos to 0 and you'd like to be off all narcotics in 2 mos I think you said. But aren't you really just starting the taper now? Seems like you kinda radically JUMPED from 15 to 6 and are now talking of doing a slow taper? Don't know....maybe I didn't get that right.
I think its possible that you are having more pronounced w/drawal symptoms right now because you were on 4 mg of suboxone at the same time you were still taking 15 norcos/day even tho you said you only took that combo for 2-3 wks. You didn't know much about the subs when you were taking them so you didn't know that the suboxone was binding to your pain receptors, therefore blocking most of the effects of those 15 norcos every day. Also, sinced you started asking about subs in the last few days, you have learned the ratio of subs to norcos of 1 mg = 60 mg.
So while you were taking 4 mg subs (240 mg) and 15 norcos (150 mg) you were putting about 390 mg into your body each day!! So that's why I think by stopping the 390 mg and going to 150 mg and now down to 60 mg you are having such a time of it, girl.
Now that you have more information about all this, you can attempt a slow taper and see if that's something you can do. Remember as you do your PT, your shots, your taper and all...that you pain level will not be the same as when you are totally off pain meds for awhile. After my accident and then my following back surgery, my pain actually got WORSE before I finally got off the hydros. It takes time to heal pain receptors and neurotransmitters....as we've been jackin w/ them for a LONG time.
Hope this helps....you definitely have put yourself thru some extremes in the last 6 weeks......give yourself time to level out and heal some.
Have fun in Pebble Beach......soak up some sunshine for me~