Aa
So here I am again...(long....and fairly boring)
Don't see many off the old familiar names so I'll just start like new. Had to make a new acct anyway because I forgot my acct info. Some of you might remember me... I'm Jimi...and I'm addicted to Oxycodone. Actually I am addicted to anything that ends in "codone", but Oxy is my DOC. when I left Utah, clean several months, many here suggested that I should seek aftercare. I wish I would have listened. I wish I would have done alot of things different though.....
Upon landing back home in Wyoming, I almost immediately began to dabble. Found a great Job running heavy equipment and ended up tearing up my shoulder....to go along with existing back problems. At first my caring Dr had me on Hydro 7.5s. Then upped that to Oxy 15 IRs. Wanna make one thing clear.... I don't blame my Dr. He is really a good guy and gives a **** about his patients. More than once he asked me what my "long term plan" was? My answer was always "to get up and go to work tomorrow". He would shake his head....mutter something about "that was a crappy plan" and write my new script.
This all worked fine in the beginning. Took the meds as prescribed (mostly), I had no pain....slept like a baby....was up for work at 4 in the a.m. every day, feeling great. All was well. Then after 7 good months it started to change. It caught up with me in matter of weeks. The insomnia kicked in, anxiety began.....and then something happened that totally ****** up my life. It's called Psychogenic Hyperventilation Syndrome. Or "over breathing syndrome". Never heard of it? Don't feel bad...neither had I. But after a battery of tests they concluded there was nothing wrong with me physically. In short I am a nut case. I started thinking about my breathing....ALL THE TIME!
I won't go into the details of the symptoms except to say it really *****. With breathing exercises and clonazepam I have gotten better. But this thing has had me out of work since before thanksgiving. I love my job and it's great $$. My boss loves me....and would love to get me back out there. But not until I can assure hime that I won't have some wild panic attack and have to be driven 40 miles, off the mountain, to the ER again.
One thing I could not fail to notice is that I am fine.....all morning long. Until I take my first pain meds. then it starts. Don't know if the meds alter my breathing or if it's all in my head. But one way or the other...I want off these. and this time a few things have changed. Before I thought I wanted to change. But I really didn't. Maybe I did want my life back....but I still wanted the buzz more than I wanted to change. So why should even I believe myself now? Because with the buzz comes with an added price now. My breathing problems and panic attacks that I am almost sure are due to the pill use/abuse.
That and I have to grand kids now. 7 and 9 months. And I love he little buggers. I live for them... but I don't even actually live anymore. Since I last worked in Nov I just exist. Like a house plant. I stay up until 3-4 and sleep until noon. My $$ I saved over the summer is dwindling. I have no quality of life and I feel like a bum. Even though I didn't file for UE of workers comp, which I could have, I still feel worthless. I guess this is rock bottom. Not near what some others have had to go through...so I feel embarrassed even saying I'm at rock bottom. But for me, not working...and not really even living...is rock bottom. I am depressed constantly and don't even feel like getting out of bed most days. This life (or lack of) will no longer work for me.
I have spoken to my Dr and we have a taper plan. Unfortunately it isn't fast enough for me. I don't have till spring to whittle this down. I have tapered down to 31/2 - 4 15s a day. Early next week I plan to call him to try to get clonadine and I'm just gonna do it. I hope you people don't mind terribly if I hang around and get a little inspiration while I am waiting. Just reading these posts, by people with more courage than me, has always helped out a great deal.
This time one more thing will change. I will seek aftercare. This is a small town in Wyo where I have a lot of family and everyone knows everyone and what their up to...sort of like living in an episode of Hee Haw.. THAT is why I avoided aftercare last time around. Now I know longer care what this town thinks or says. Hell, they are already talking about me being a hermit. Wondering I'm not working....why I've left my house 4 times in the last month. I also will tear up my pain contract and admit to my doc that I'm an addict. All I have told him is that I want to decrease my dosage and not live on the pills the rest of my life. If the doctors up on the hill know I'm an addict...it's game over. This town had a fairly big pill problem for years. After it hit the local HS they changed things. It takes an act of god to get pills here now. So admitting my addiction would be a giant plus in beating this thing. Ok....I've babbled enough and probably bored most of you into a well needed nap...thank me later. I just wanted to introduce myself and say that I'll be around.
Peace
-Jimi
Upon landing back home in Wyoming, I almost immediately began to dabble. Found a great Job running heavy equipment and ended up tearing up my shoulder....to go along with existing back problems. At first my caring Dr had me on Hydro 7.5s. Then upped that to Oxy 15 IRs. Wanna make one thing clear.... I don't blame my Dr. He is really a good guy and gives a **** about his patients. More than once he asked me what my "long term plan" was? My answer was always "to get up and go to work tomorrow". He would shake his head....mutter something about "that was a crappy plan" and write my new script.
This all worked fine in the beginning. Took the meds as prescribed (mostly), I had no pain....slept like a baby....was up for work at 4 in the a.m. every day, feeling great. All was well. Then after 7 good months it started to change. It caught up with me in matter of weeks. The insomnia kicked in, anxiety began.....and then something happened that totally ****** up my life. It's called Psychogenic Hyperventilation Syndrome. Or "over breathing syndrome". Never heard of it? Don't feel bad...neither had I. But after a battery of tests they concluded there was nothing wrong with me physically. In short I am a nut case. I started thinking about my breathing....ALL THE TIME!
I won't go into the details of the symptoms except to say it really *****. With breathing exercises and clonazepam I have gotten better. But this thing has had me out of work since before thanksgiving. I love my job and it's great $$. My boss loves me....and would love to get me back out there. But not until I can assure hime that I won't have some wild panic attack and have to be driven 40 miles, off the mountain, to the ER again.
One thing I could not fail to notice is that I am fine.....all morning long. Until I take my first pain meds. then it starts. Don't know if the meds alter my breathing or if it's all in my head. But one way or the other...I want off these. and this time a few things have changed. Before I thought I wanted to change. But I really didn't. Maybe I did want my life back....but I still wanted the buzz more than I wanted to change. So why should even I believe myself now? Because with the buzz comes with an added price now. My breathing problems and panic attacks that I am almost sure are due to the pill use/abuse.
That and I have to grand kids now. 7 and 9 months. And I love he little buggers. I live for them... but I don't even actually live anymore. Since I last worked in Nov I just exist. Like a house plant. I stay up until 3-4 and sleep until noon. My $$ I saved over the summer is dwindling. I have no quality of life and I feel like a bum. Even though I didn't file for UE of workers comp, which I could have, I still feel worthless. I guess this is rock bottom. Not near what some others have had to go through...so I feel embarrassed even saying I'm at rock bottom. But for me, not working...and not really even living...is rock bottom. I am depressed constantly and don't even feel like getting out of bed most days. This life (or lack of) will no longer work for me.
I have spoken to my Dr and we have a taper plan. Unfortunately it isn't fast enough for me. I don't have till spring to whittle this down. I have tapered down to 31/2 - 4 15s a day. Early next week I plan to call him to try to get clonadine and I'm just gonna do it. I hope you people don't mind terribly if I hang around and get a little inspiration while I am waiting. Just reading these posts, by people with more courage than me, has always helped out a great deal.
This time one more thing will change. I will seek aftercare. This is a small town in Wyo where I have a lot of family and everyone knows everyone and what their up to...sort of like living in an episode of Hee Haw.. THAT is why I avoided aftercare last time around. Now I know longer care what this town thinks or says. Hell, they are already talking about me being a hermit. Wondering I'm not working....why I've left my house 4 times in the last month. I also will tear up my pain contract and admit to my doc that I'm an addict. All I have told him is that I want to decrease my dosage and not live on the pills the rest of my life. If the doctors up on the hill know I'm an addict...it's game over. This town had a fairly big pill problem for years. After it hit the local HS they changed things. It takes an act of god to get pills here now. So admitting my addiction would be a giant plus in beating this thing. Ok....I've babbled enough and probably bored most of you into a well needed nap...thank me later. I just wanted to introduce myself and say that I'll be around.
Peace
-Jimi
oh no! I went thru detox at a hospital 13 years ago. I was on 26 pills a day, all prescribed. I was getting anxiety after 6 yrs and felt in the need for a hospital. That is when they put me on methadone for a week, then sent me home, then I went thru withdrawals,(21days) never knowing I would, thought I was recoverd, this never happened to me before, boy was I stupid. Then went back on after 3 yrs due to dental pain,( altho I have severe back and neck pain, its the dental pain that drove me to madness and took a vicodin and voila back on for 6 more yrs) six yrs later, I went cold turkey due to anxiety lNovember 2011, the three months later, due to another agonizing dental pain, went back on, now its 10 months later, anxiety set in again, so here I am weaning. No more cold turkey for me. Had a tooth pulled 4 weeks ago and Im in pain again, going to the oral surgeon on Thursday, but Im weaing at the same time. This is such madness. I have no idea why dental pain keeps getting in the way of my recoveries.
That is exactly how I felt. Like I was just existing. Everyone else was living but I was just existing. I envied people that could be up and dressed during the day. It's amazing how easy it is to do those little things when you are clean but so hard to do when you are using.
I wish you all the best.
You should write when you are bored during your detox. You seem to have a flair for it and also a great sense of humour.
I wish you all the best.
You should write when you are bored during your detox. You seem to have a flair for it and also a great sense of humour.
Wow! They put you on methadone to detox from 45mgs of Oxy? And threw you out after a week? That's a little like killing a fly with a sledgehammer imo. No wonder you feel that way. Trusting yourself is probably the best idea then Sandy.
Yeah I'm scared of the wds too. Part of me want's to refill that script on Friday and try to taper further. But I feel like I'm just putting off the inevitable. We all have different experiences going thru this. And if that is the most comfortable way for you....that's just what you should do.
Most likely it would be my best option if I felt I could wait that long. But I don't. My desperation and depression is growing daily. I found my old account and was reading some of my posts after 11 days....3 weeks.....a month. I sounded so excited to be feeling like I was living again. And right now I feel like I'm merely existing. I hope the best for you in your journey. Peace
Yeah I'm scared of the wds too. Part of me want's to refill that script on Friday and try to taper further. But I feel like I'm just putting off the inevitable. We all have different experiences going thru this. And if that is the most comfortable way for you....that's just what you should do.
Most likely it would be my best option if I felt I could wait that long. But I don't. My desperation and depression is growing daily. I found my old account and was reading some of my posts after 11 days....3 weeks.....a month. I sounded so excited to be feeling like I was living again. And right now I feel like I'm merely existing. I hope the best for you in your journey. Peace
I wish you would post them. I have used the carnation instant breakfast that you suggested and love it. It is cheaper than the boosts and tastes so much better. Full of all sorts of vitamins and supplements. Mmmmm I want one now.
Everyone is so kind and helpful, I thanks you all alot in every way. Just knowing Im not alone and chatting here and there helps me. Wish we could all do it together, guess thats what rehab's are for, but when I went to a hospital the first time, they put me on meth for a week and sent me home. 24 hours later I went into withdrawals at home for 21 days! they told me I was crazy, and that shouldnt be. I went to a private dr, ( my daughter had to drive me, I felt awful) and the private dr told me, " yup, your in withdrawals, so I dont trust anyone but myself now to get off. thanks everyone, will check in tomorrow!!!
Thanks Missy I hope you're right.
And to clean_in_ks - Feel free to jack my thread if it will help someone else out. I don't mind a bit.
Peace
And to clean_in_ks - Feel free to jack my thread if it will help someone else out. I don't mind a bit.
Peace
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