Solutions To My Problem

[OxyMoron2009]

Fellow Abusers,

I am finally reaching out to my Oxycontin and Oxycodone problem that is tearing me up in all facets of my life.  I know I need to take a step to change my life completely, but it possibly entails ending am 8 year relationship, due to lack of understanding.  I have mentioned to my mate my desire to get help but since she is in the same addiction mentality and refuses to get help or change, she really isn't supportive, given she deeply feels (but doesn't say), she will lose me forever.  She is an incredibly giving, caring and loving person but I am at the point of my life where I CAN'T continue to function this way.  I do not know who I am and I am too submerged in the deadly world of snorting these devil Oxy's.  The story is long and she does the same but functions better in the game, where I have lost all faith in my abilities as a career person, don't have motivation for rarely anything unless I am jetted up with enough mg's to kill a normal person.  

I am wanting so much to change but also afraid to come clean with my family, including my brother who's son has wrecked havoc on his life with these.  And also with my sister who is a therapist but has always been somewhat unsympathetic towards my problems.  I have too many days where I just don't want to go on, but know I won't actually do anything.  My heart says just pick up and go to rehab, given I do have insurance coverage yet the stigma dogs me as well.  It is Christmas time and I am also in a deep depression and get anxiety quite often.  It seems wrong for me to be so selfish, but I want my life back and a new career, given my unemployment from company cutbacks.

I am prescribed 3 80 mg Oxycontin's per day as well as 5 30 mg Oxycodone IR per month.  It never fails with us though that we are always down to minimal amounts within 2 to 3 weeks of getting our prescriptions.  Thus, the effect just gets stronger including the tolerance level.  I rarely if ever talk to my close friends anymore and am endlessly caught up in how many are left and when are we going to get them.  The sad thing is I am of intellect and am much smarter than this, but am controlled by the power of these devils.  Money is always an issue as we just get by every month to pay our bills with barely anything left.  I am living like I never did, unorganized, useless and such.  Always worked hard and volunteered yet none of that seems a reality anymore.  Tried anti-depressents but made things worse.  Only Lamictal seemed to help which I must get again, if I do anything.  Xanax calms the anxieties but there we are again on an addictive drug.

I'm down to my last 80 and 10 IR's with a week to go before seeing the Dr.  Yes, I have awful back pains from a previous auto accident but there has to be another way.  I can't tell her that I am in this position due to the fact it will start a fight between us but I will be detoxing come tomorrow and feeling it already.  I can't financially get more nor will I regardless but concerned I could end up in ER, which don't want given I would rather just make my move, on my own and admit myself to a rehab.  The timing could not be worse but what choice do I have.  I have read many of the other postings which pushed me to reach out.  I feel sick constantly, have no drive for anything in life and feel the best part of my life is over.

I will post again since there is so much more I need to release within myself.  I do attend church and pray but even now it has been 2 weeks since I last went.  She doesn't like who I am either but blames it on my lack of self control.  Sadly, if I do just go, it will affect paying our bills etc.  Yet, I am of no good to myself or anyone now and if I don't do something then I really feel the need to "go over the edge".

Thanks to all who have been here and write back.  My situation may not be as bad but it is not good, to say the least.  I have to go given I must get on with my day, so I look forward to any and all responses.

God Bless !!

[kmb22]

you should see if there are any clinics in your area......ours here does them for cheaper than 300$

[Jayferg]

Same boat.  down to 1 oxy a day, but when i quit a day, my body aches and I'm really Jonesing.  There has got to be an easier way.  I wish I could afford the $300. to start the suboxone.  Hey, my wife left.  My kids don't speak to me.  I almost got fired.  What's next?  I've got to get off the s###. It is somehow ruining my life and I'm letting it.  Hang in there bro'  maybe we'll exit this Jones together.

[movnon]

I feel the same way when I use and I have two beautiful children who deserve my best. My husband and I have over ten years together and it breaks my heart that there might not be a place for him in my future if he refuses to change. I have to move on, it is time and I hope you can as well!

[OxyMoron2009]

So thankful did find this site and for immediate support from people like yourself.  I plan to see a well recommeded therapist and just deal.  If my lady of 8 years will not support me then I have to do what's best for me.  I have so much to give yet these have made me wonder why I even exist.

Thanks again greatly and will continue to post.

[movnon]

My story is also similar, want to stop but afraid that my H won't ever be able to. I am a stay at home mom and he owns a business and supports us but lately the pills are taking 80% of our income. Rehab is out for me but if iv wish it was an option. I say take advantage of it! If I were miles away in a place with nothing to do but concentrate of getting it together, I know I could succeed but that would mean outing my little secret and leaving my kids behind. My doses are somewhat small but even 2 a day have a way of ruining my life! Good luck!

[gizzy32]

Welcome to the forum. Reading your post, it seems that you know it's time to quit and you know  what you have to do. Now it is up to you to put that plan in place and get the ball rolling, easier said than done, I know, but the fact is nothing can be worse than what your going through right now right? Your snorting them and in a relationship with your partner using too, that makes getting clean 10x harder.

Remember addiction don't care how smart you are, that is NOT how it works at all. These drugs steal who we really are away, causing so much pain, guilt and sickness, it can seem hopeless, but let me assure you it's not. There is help out there and a better life. You should talk to your dr even though you don't want to. Is it possible to function without too much pain? There is pain management and sometimes a better way to fight pain. I am sorry your going through all this but stick around, this is a great support group:) Good luck and keep us posted.

P.S. We do heal and we do get better:)

[OxyMoron2009]

U are so right.  It is a vicious cycle and I am to the point of detoxing, packing and starting over somewhere else where I can get back to the real me and make some contributions to this society.  Find some peace away from those who refuse to realize this is a HUGE PROBLEM, and don't understand the end result is not good.  The Xan's are worse to boot I hear as well.  I truly hope all can be well with you ... your strength is the key !!

[kmb22]

oh and with the xanex...i have only been off of those for 2 days....they are worse...not even kidding and here i thought that was the harmless drug i was taking.  i am dealing with the anxiety on my own....and doing yoga everyday.  

if you do stop...drink more water than you could imagine drinking...i swear that's the only reason i made it through the first 4 days.

[kmb22]

i am in the same boat.  i am 11 days clean of roxi oxi it's all the same ****.  my boyfriend refuses to stop.  it is ruining our relationship.  i don't want to be around him knowing he is on them.  in fact pills are still all around me in my friendships too.

i don't know what to do?

i can't preach to these people that i used to do them with.

and i can't just cut everyone out of my life....although that's what i am starting to think i have to do.

i don't know, i'm a mess.

this is the hardest thing i have ever done.