Stopping Oxycodone - Requiem for a Dream

[Annick444]

I am 50 and have had a very unhappy life (beginning with abandonment in infancy.)

I have suffered from extreme anxiety and depression since I was a small child. Finally, I was in a marriage and had 2 children and had some love, a home, and a safety net. (My husband was a psychiatrist.)

Depression continued to plague me, and it was very, very difficult to get things done, especially after the birth of my second child. I filled in by creating a beautiful and "magical" life, though I had a lot of down time when I felt self-hatred and depression.

We moved often, and spent money for clothes, restaurant meals, furnishings, and holidays.

In 1995, my husband put me on Prozac. My mother and grandmother died that same year, and I had a manic reaction, spending excessive money. I was also writing, and felt that I had no creative energy (or libido.)

In 2001, I separated from my husband "temporarily" and we legalized the separation (I received a good separation agreement.) I got an apartment, and began, after finding an excellent therapist, my strength and energy back. I started getting a firm handle on my finances.

In 2004, by husband filed for divorce. He hired a brutal lawyer and left me with almost nothing.

About 6 months after the divorce, my back and leg began hurting incredibly. MRI revealed 5 tumors, with a large one embedded in between two vertabrae. Nothing eased the pain, and I was finally put onto oxycodone. At first, it seemed like a miracle. The pain subsided, my anxiety dropped to almost nothing (for the first time in my life) and I felt that I got my "self" back. To keep the pain and anxiety under control, I gradually increased the dosage until I am presently on 160mg. of oxy/day.

It still works for pain, but the anxiety has gotten out of control. I also have no energy or desire to do anything. I don't qualify for SSDI because I stayed home with my children, and I'm am over the financial level (which is VERY low for SSI.) I feel like I have completely lost my life. I have no extended family, I am more depressed than I have ever been, I am isolated, and I am frightened of this medication.

I read that many people feel that this medication has ruined their lives. If they are taking it according to their doctor's recommendation, how does it ruin their lives? I just don't find anything about this (in detail) and I would like anyone who is willing to share ANYTHING regarding this topic with me. Please, I beg you to help me to understand what's happening.

[Annick444]

I am grateful for your reply.

I am becoming very confused as to whether I am going through a depressive phase again (my life is rough) or if it's the oxycodone that is contributing to this. I thought, today, I'll give myself one year to taper this stuff, and if it doesn't work, I'm ending it.

I just want to feel good again and energetic and WANT to live.

I AM very confused about the statements that I hear from people, that this drug has ruined their life. I want to know all the details, because I am not understanding it.

[boogieman]

hi there. let me first say i'm sorry to hear things are'nt going great. these are strange days that can be especially hard when daily life is compromised. please don't think that because you are on what may seem to be a high dose of narcotic, that you are doomed to becoming chemically dependent as many (including myself) have become. there are a lot of reasons why one person becomes dependent and another does not, but what is important is what happens when you use the drug, not how much you take. there is still a great deal of stigma attached to both chemical dependency and mental illness, primarily due to ignorance. but there is a great deal of information available today to anyone who cares to look. the majority of the people in this community have been negatively affected by their intake of drugs, but there's a lot more to addiction than consumption. the drug use is usually a symptom of much deeper and often pre-existing factors.
you stated that your pain is controlled by the meds, but your anxiety and lack of motivation have become more prominent. you also stated that you take the meds as described. the anxiety and lack of motivation are typical as the body adjusts biochemically to the drug---when therapy is begun, a sense of well being and increased energy are usually noted. these are the sensations that seem to be central to the phenomena of craving and mental obsession that marks most cases of chemical dependency. if anxiety and/or depression are troubling, they can also be addressed through therapy specific to these conditions.
so to answer your concerns, you are not necessarily on a dangerous path. there are additional resources available that can help you address these issues as well and i will be glad to get you further information. hope things improve and take care,  gm

[Annick444]

What are the "side effects"? Are there any, other than needing more to obtain the desired effect? I'm very confused and my life is a mess. It was a mess before, but it has definitely taken a turn for the worse.

The strange thing is that people think that I'm pretty much pulled together. (I don't go out much, probably to preserve this perception.)

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

The cold hard facts seem to be that any time that you steadily put a narcotic med in your body, your body will begin to develop a tolerance to the narc.  I got caught in that trap - and it was my own escalating of the dose that really got me. You take them long enough and steadily enough and a problem can develop. Doesnt always have to happen. Whether its genetic or behavioral doesnt matter - - it may happen. It fascinates me that some come through this forum on what I would consider a miniature dose of narcotics. But their withdrawals are as severe and as real as a larger habit. And some come by with truly staggering doses and dont have much of a problem. Might not be helping you understand any better - - but its not an easy subject............every body is different and unique....