Struggling on day 8

[KYguy1]

Hello, I'm on day 8 off of opiate pain killers, mostly hydro and I was taking up to 12 hydro 10mg plus a Xanax bar and alcohol too, I didn't use everyday as I didn't have the $ to but I spent every second thinking about being high.  I had almost 3 years clean and relapsed back in March of this year and since then I have gone back and forth between clean and using. I went to NA for the first 2 1/2 years I was sober and quit to appease my wife and also I had half way convinced myself I had it beat. I have just now gone back to going to NA meetings, against her wishes as she doesn't understand addiction and thinks I'm just not putting enough faith in god and that's why I keep going back. I have really been struggling last few days and my mind has been going crazy trying to get me to get high, I'm still having w/d's off being irritable, depressed, diarrhea (taking Imodium though). Also I'm having the mental obsession of using.  When I quit the time before I remember that the first 30 days were the hardest and after that it got so much better and I got back to enjoying life without having to put one in me. I could use some encouragement from some fellow addicts please, a part of me wants to go back and a part of me wants to live sober for the rest of my life. It's like I have a angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other

[Lilly1955]

Encourage your wife to go to al anon and you do what you need to to stay off opiates . NA meetings is a great place to start over. Find a sponser right away .Good luck and be patient with yourself.

[clean_in_ks]

Welcome to the forum....you've come to a place of great support and will get plenty of encouragement here~

Congrats on Day 8....you remember well that the first 30 days are the hardest (physically) and the first 2 weeks especially.  You just hang in there and keep going to meetings, ok?  

As a fellow addict, I can tell you that a "part of me" will almost always remember the lie of "how good it used to be" to numb away my emotions....that's why I wrote a lot down during my first 60 days clean.  The little notebook I wrote in helped me to see on a daily basis what was and wasn't better than the day before....and then at 6 months and one year, etc. it has been good to have it to go back and read reminding me where I came from when that liar voice attempts to deceive me.

Sounds like you had a good recovery program going... I'm sorry to hear that your wife never learned much about addiction so she could support your involvement.  If you want some links or suggestions of things that might help her, just send me a PM and I'll be happy to suggest some.  It isn't about not having enough faith.....it's much more complex than that.

As you found out, every time we go "back out" we get worse because addiction is PROGRESSIVE.  The many hydros, plus high amts of Xanax and alcohol could have put an end to you.  I'm so glad you made it back~

Please keep posting.....and let us know how we can help you, ok?