IN HELLL, day 4 WD

[troubleinohio]

for those of you on the verge of relapse DONT DO IT for the love of GOD, please DONT! OMG i have been through hell the last 3-4 days here in every way imaginable. Im now on day 4 of WD after my last relapse and its been the worst WD symptoms ever yet to date siince my addiction began years ago. I think its been compounded by the fact that Im still sick with bronchitis/asthma and I got no sleep the other night. Well thats not entirely true, I fell asleep at 9 pm, woke up at 11 pm and been up ever since. Yesterday was horrible, the pain was so bad in my back and legs, had that shaky/seizury feeeling in my whole body, diarrhea, goosebumps non stop and chills and i could barely walk. my legs literally wouldnt work!! Plus all this shittt going on with the husband has put my mental status in a bad way. Im so depressed and sick and tired. my last update here which i did in a journal and not a post simply said i was leaving him again and thats about it. But that day things didnt go that way, and i had to also take my 5 year old to Dr for his tonsillitis follow up. husband made me unpack the things i had packed before i left for that appt. anyways i am at home still/again/whatever and havent had the stregnth or energy to do anything about it now. aside from this horrid WD, i still have the bad coughing fits which hurt every muscle in my body, ,my stomach, ribcage and back particularly and wheeze bad.  so anyhow, today is a new day and IM praying it works out better. I did get sleep last night finally and i dont hurt as much as i did yesterday (at least so far), so Im hoping this is a sign Ive turned the corner of the worse of the WD symptoms.  

I feel so depressed that Im trapped in this situation and so overwhelmed. This no health insurance thing is really bad, the bills are adding up to an astronomical amount now since the family got that "cold " virus and dr visits, meds etc. And i havent been well enough to go down and sign up for medicaid yet like Ive been wanting to do for along time now. I have to register my 5 yr old for kindergarten tomorrow too btw, im so nervous about that.  
anyways that is my update. I learned alot about relapse this time and have vowed to never ever let myself do it again. I refuse to go through this hell ever again all over a few stupid pills!! its unbelievable how much hell they can create. I feel so guilty, yesterday was such a beautiful day out, and my little boys wanted me to play out ther e with them, and i couldnt even throw or kick a ball with them in the yard because i was so bad off. I cried my eyes out i felt so bad about that. They dont deserve this. They deserve a mom who is as well as she can be, not one tethered down by addictions and disease that can be prevented. One who is fully attentive to them and not have a wandering mind thinking about stupid effing pills all the time etc. I refuse to let this happen again. Ive had guilt before of course, but never of this magnitude and I will not let them down again. After i go down to apply for medicaide (and pray that we get approved) one of the things I am going to do is sign up for counseling so i can get aftercare, and get to my root problems of why ive used drugs to begin with and learn to cope with life. I now understand i have to do this in order to keeep my promises and vows to my children.

[newgirl2708]

Don't engage with him. No one can fight alone. Don't talk. Don't engage with him. Your son is starting school and has enough on his little plate to worry about. You are doing a great job at staying clean. Keep it up.

[traveladdict]

You hang in there you are a good and caring person that deserves the best in your life.  Spend time on getting yourself well.  When you have a clearer mind it will be easier to make the right decisions to move yourself in a positive direction.  I know it is tough to deal with all this when the finances are low but keep your head high you are a great person and you can do this.

[troubleinohio]

thanks again you guys. I made it through another night here with some actual sleep. Yesterday was crazy for me, all those errands i had to do while in WD but i made it. My son loved seeing the school for the first time ever, walking its halls and we even met the principal by chance and got  to talk to her, she was really nice. Now today i take him to the other place for the official registering.  that was only good thing  yesterday though. things got horrible again when i was trying to make supper last evening. the assshole husband was hanging around the house non stop yelling at everyone and it turned into a terrible blow out. I cant take much more of his crapp. i actually feel true hatred for him and have for awhile now. cant live like that. bad for everyone. I have so many things i need to do and take care of right now its overwhelming. right now im just trying to get myself over this bronchitis and WDs hour by hour and just getting by with everything else. But i need to make a plan and act soon because this simply cannot go on like this.  

[10356]

Glad to read you are feeling a little better today, one day at a time and before you know it you will be taking care of the things you have meaning to do without so much effort. I wish you the best. Your a Good Mom and a wonderfully spirited woman Take care

[confused456]

LOL....glad I could make you laugh!! Just remember what I said about the insurance and if the worker doesn't bring it up, then you NEED to ask about it!!! Sending my love! Hugs to you!

[worried878]

Thinking of u trouble...haang in there girl,...u deserve the peace that will come with being clean...try and get those things done that u need to do...u will feel better for it....just do the best u can...and post for support...we are here for u

[troubleinohio]

omg thank you everyone so much for the support!! i was so happy to sign on now and see how many of you have helped me!!! It means so much to me and i love you all!~ and Confused im LOL at your reply- sorry i cause such a love/ hate reaction to you, haha!
I am doing a tiny bit better so far today except my back is spasming bad but so far hasnt taken me out completely. I had to go to the grocery store like this because we were out of damnn near everything. I made it there and back somehow.

Now i just found out i have to go to the school to get a registration packet today that i have to fill out and take with me tomorrow for my son's kindergarten registration! ugh! so another errand I HAVE to do in this condition! And i cant go in looking like the hell on earth i truly feel so have to do my hair and make up too, lol.  
anyways, thanks so much everyone for your support and encouragement!!!!  

[rue10]

I think I'm finally starting to get it too.   It is such a vicious cycle.  Unless I have a sh*t load,  there is NEVER enough.  I'm starting to feel somewhat better as today is day 7 w/o my DOC.  And I was absolutely miserable in w/d.  If I take more pills I'll only have to go through that all over again.  I don't want to, but the crazyness of it all is I want to take a pill.

I'll pray for you that you continue the good fight.

All the best,

[confused456]

Trouble.......I have a love/hate relationship with your posts....LOL
I love to hear from you because you really are SO strong, stronger than you may even know, and you always fight, fight, fight. You truly are an inspiring woman. You are a GREAT Mom who always is thinking of her boys and wanting what is best for them and that is wonderful. I hate your posts because they seem to always make me emotional and I just sit and cry for you and wish I could just scoop you up and make your life better somehow. You can and will do this. I hope that you get over being sick soon, and as for the medicaid, here is a bit of hopefully good news!! IF you qualify, medicaid will usually do what they call "retro-active medicaid" which is where they cover the back THREE months of medical expenses, so if you have ER bills, or DR. bills, whatever, they should cover them for the past 3 months!! Been there, done that!
So, I wanted to at least let you know so maybe you won't need to worry about that so much right now sweetie!! Hang in there!! Much love and respect to you!

[desperate1111]

i admire your strength and courage. wishing you all the best.

[cathy5841]

trouble, you have such a hard time lately, i am so sorry.  keep hangin in there, it will get better.  i hope you feel better soon.  we are all pulling for you.
much love
cathy

[Friend999]

Let's do it this time.  You are doing it!

All those other problems?  They won't be solved unless first you handle your addiction.

We're proud of you.  Keep posting!

Friend999

[Mikeinthesouth]

Been there did that in regards to relapse and it is hel on earth withdrawals anytime but it hurts worse because for me I knew I had detoxed my body a bit and was on my way but I gave in tremendously to the dope. Hang in there. mike

[newgirl2708]

Keep it up!!!! We are very proud of you!!!! You are doing a great job. Today is here and just 'being' is all you can do for today. Moment by moment. Glad you're all feeling better.
Take Care,
Newgirl

[toomanytimes]

WOW! i am so proud of you for not stopping at your friends house-when i was quitting  a couple of months ago- i did stop at my friends house and here i am trying to get the courage to quit again. Please keep your courage and strength- i need so much to hear a positive out come, maybe for me, maybe for your boys, and mostly for you.  I have 2 young sons that i need to be my best for, and i use the pills for the energy and lift they give me to keep going-when they get low tho-look out- i'm a walking disaster area and noone needs that.  Please kreep up the good work and keep posting..

[joann1975]

Good for you! I know that was tough but you did it! That is awesome!

[sadinmichigan]

for waht it's worth..I unfortuatley have been where your at now..Thankfully haven't relapsed with the pills but I need to work on the drinking thing..I am so sorry your having such a rough time..especially being sick and all..You are in my prayers and you know..theres no where to go but up...right?! You can do this..If theres anything i can do please let me know..xo Lisa

[s10sittnondubs]

Hang in there it can ONLY get better not worse just remember that too, I always tell myself you can't get any worse only better with the coming hours and days.  You must be tough on yourself which you are doing and may I say a wonderful job, I had to do the same thing on day 2 with the friend thing.  You know what lies at the light end of the tunnel and the dark end...keep going towards the light your sooo close.

[troubleinohio]

i forgot to add in my original post, that during the first day I think it was of WD, i drove myself over by a friends house that has pills. I was actually gonna try and get some more. I fought myself SO HARD to not do that. I ended up driving past twice, then parking in a lot half a mile down the road, crying my eyes out, shaking uncontrollably. I had to sit there and talk myself out of it. Told myself that yes, if i got a few pills it would take this horrible pain away for awhile, but it would only take it away for an hour or two and then Id just have to start the WD process all over again. That it wasnt worth it to undo all the hours Id gone past already just to restart the WDs again. Made myself think of my little boys who were sitting at home right now, while momma was over here thinking of getting more stupid pills. Told myself to turn my car on and drive my asss back home NOW......and I did...without getting the pills and i was so glad that I made that choice. Havent tried to do it since. I think I am finally statrting to GET IT.  Im finally realizing I cant go back, ever no matter what. This is the first time I think i truly am GETTING IT..  

[dineshsibal]

Bravo!!
Keep the faith, my friend.
It is one-day-at-a-time & you know that it surely works.
You also know that the alternative is a naught.
I am sure the entire forum is with you and would welcome any yell for support. Praying for strength for you

Claps again.

[TrayCee]

I so feel your pain!  Your doing it though!!!  MAD RESPECT FOR YOU!

[joann1975]

You can make it! I am sorry all this is happening to you....of course it is all at once... that's just life. I will keep you in my prayers.

[Sarah231]

I am so impressed that in the midst of so much hellll you are still quitting!
You go, girl!

I have a feeling your life will be so much better in a few short weeks!

Hang in there.
We are rooting for you.