SSDD I am like every other broken record in here. I didnt know there were so many of us!?...

[gilleygoatgruff]

So here we go. Just like all of you have done I have just quit reading post on here. I have sit and done it for 2 days! Mostly because you guessed it, I have been out for 2 days. Here I am again 2 weeks before my dr visit and I am out. This *****. My life is a rollercoaster that the devil is pulling the levers on. Just when I have decided I want/need to quit I go right back up again and I have two bottles full of reality supprressor's I have real life aches and I do sometimes need the meds but most of the time I take them because it makes my life better even if only for a little while. I was devorced 3 years ago and left to raise my 2 lil girls. Thank God I found someone to accept a package deal when she herself was a package deal to. Anyway so here I sit on the couch and for the first time in 3 years I have no pills... hard to belive huh? me to. I was a spoiled lil brat only child and I didnt come from a well off family but I never wanted for n e thing. The word "NO" was not in my vocabulary. But now that all my money is gone and all my bills are stacked up and all my utilities are about to be shut off and all my things of any value are in pawn I am left with no choice but to sit here and take it. I havent been with out a percocet in 3 years. I know that there are probably people out there that are worse off than me and have had to go through worse and I feel for ya. I am 32 years old 6'3 and 265lbs I was not a bad looking guy once upon a time I would like to think its still the same, but I can tell I have let myself go. I lost my job after 5 years when I devorced and I thought it would be great to finally get to spend some time at home with my kids that I have never got to do. Big mistake. My back went out.... so I go to the dr and found out there is all kinds of jacked up stuff wrong with it. I wont list it cause it wld take all day but n e way I got pain killers. at first I didnt abuse them then I noticed that they made me feel great! I used to take a half of a tab 5 and be sick from it now I take 3 perk 10's as soon as my feet hit the floor in the morning then get up get a my dew and snort 2 more. and you can fill in the blanks about the rest of the day. But its up to about 15 a day. I dont have to work so I got nothing to do all day but sit here. Sometimes by myself. I am wonderful person to be around when I am on them and I have found that the amount that it takes to make me hight now is not only dangerous and expensive but dosent even really make me high. just like a lil sick I guess is how you would put it. But nothing like it would be if I am without them. I have a network of people who do the same thing and we all know when each others dr dates are every month...thats sad. I have kids and a hospital is not an option for me. You know I have also found out that sometimes even when you cry out for help you wont get it because your friends and family your loved ones are the very one feeding your habit and they want that money! When I have got pills I dont want to quit I say that I can controll it myself cause if I tell my dr then you can bet your butt you wont get nothing ever again. But it never works out that way I always have been low for a few days when I get them so I tell myself I am just gonna go crazy on them that day and then I just stay high till they are gone. Then when I start getting low I start freaking out which in turn makes me take even more. So I am burning up the fone trying to locate. You all know what I am talking about we have all been there. I have done everything but prostitute and trust me if I was goodlooking I might try it...lol I dont know man I dont know if I even really wonna quit I just reallllly realllly wont a handfull of pills right now and am freaking out. any of yall packing? lmao just kidding. I am beside myselff I know you are not supposed to wish your life away but I wish I had a remote like adam sandler in that movie "click" so that I could just fast forward to my next pill or mabey not I dont know mabey I should just quit since I have never went 36 hours without n e thing. It has consumed my life and my walet my time my body and prob soon to be my relationships witheveryone I know. I called my mother in a moment of weakness a year ago and told her that I had been high for 2 years and she said "I Know" It broke my heart my mother told me how she knew and how worried she has been. That depressed me more so I went and snorted it away. I also have kids that would make the pope cuss! I am not kidding dont laugh it aint funny, you come watch there lil mean azzes for a coupla hours and you will need drugs to. N e way I guess I am done venting for now. Hope to see lots of responses lord knows I need it. I go by and nicknamed gilleygoatgruff cause I am so grumpy n hatefull all the time. Trust me if you had my life you would be to. Keep me in your prayers as I will all of you in mine.ttyl

[Vickyford]

Very proud !!!!

[10356]

that is quality of your girls life as well as yours..

[10356]

I'm really glad to see you checking in. sorry to read about dealing with a infection. Have you had your blood checked liver panel and kidney function ? I would recommend it. are you waiting for a script to be filled ? I mean are you going to continue to take the pills ? The reason I ask if you are trying to get clean snorting is not the way to go and as far as friends stopping by offering drugs this is not going to help. You should try to force yourself up maybe after the girls homework take them for a walk it will help with the pain in your back and legs also helps to speed up the wd and helps anxiety. the frsh air will do you good.. hot bath our showers will also help you to feel better.. ya know you have a shot of making it if you make a commitment. not only will your life improve but so will the guilty of your girls life. you are right we are the same we all are we share addiction I took it no other way.. very proud of you for making it this far with the small amount of drugs you have done Now why not go all the way and commit.. lesa

[gilleygoatgruff]

Thank God I have made it till today. I have been sick as h3ll these past 4 days. I got an upper resp infection prob from snorting what lil bit I had. But I spemt the last four days in bed with aprox 1 pain pill per day. I had alot of time to think and I never got sick for the last 2 and a half years I have been doing pain meds.??? Idk what the reason for that is but I used to get sick like four or five times per year and never got sick the hole time I was doing pain meds. What is up with that? I know that your stomache has something to do with your system fighting off stuff. Anyway like I said. I have sat layed on the couch or bed for 4 days and since I read a prev blog about seeing or hearing things like I have been hearing music i never heard before and seeing lil squiggly things all over the walls and celing. I am pretty sure its not there. But I caint be certain they are not because I have been messed up for so long how do I know there isnt something wrong with my eyes I never noticed before. Btw thanks lesa for looking in on me I was curious to if anyone had thought about me or not on here and yeah I agree if you are in or have ever had a relationship with the demons then you/we are all related. It really REALLY does take one to know one if you know what I am saying. I dont mean that in a bad way I am just saying I misjudged alot of people in my day before pain meds. The sad thing is most people start doing dumb sh1t in there teens or early twentys I was 30 years old. I shoulda knew better. I seen so many people do crazy stuff. Anyway like I was saying I have been sick. Yeah I have been wd sick but on top of that I have really been sick. My back hurt sooooo bad. I would straighten my legs then have to stretch them then because I stretched them I had to bend them. It was a never ending cycle and everynight and day! It su cked. My wd **** and being sick to all I wanted to do was knock myself out. So I did. The only thing I could think about was All those times I could have just took one less and saved it for a hard time. (like now) I would love to have it right now. It would be instant relief. I had a friend come by the day before yesterday and split a perk 10 with me and it was amazing..... and that is a understament! A big one. Then an hour passed he was gone and there I was twisting and turning again. I have sweated everything in my house stinky I am going to need a new everything. Or for it to be hosed down one. And my neck hurts to turn my head. My head aches so bad that it prob couldnt be worse to have a drill bit drive into the right side of my brain..... and my god, this leg thing is the worst. If I could choose one thing to get rid of it would be that. Idk if its my sickness or a real problem with my back I was always to numb to notice or a wd or all? Any way got to get the kids on the homework if anybody is out there I will ttyl

[10356]

Hello Gilleygoatgruff.. I have been thinking about you and wanted to check in. How are you doing with this massive drop to 4 a day ? are you still taking all the other drugs while you do this ? I wanted to let you know you are valuable You have peps that love you and lil girls that love and need their dad. we also have a care for you as we are all brother and sisters in our addictions. Hope you check back in with us and let us know how you are doing and let us support you on your journey.. lesa

[gilleygoatgruff]

Good news! I have told a loved one and she has agreed to hold my meds and taper me off. Two week intervals she says. 4 a day for 2 weeks and then 3 a day for two weeks and so on till I reach 1 a day and only use it if I need it then. It will take me 6 to 8 weeks but I think it is a good plan. I am so happy right now. I gonna kick my habit..... Pick my life back up and get on with it. I am 32 and I am starting my life over. I feel this might work. I am gonna taper slowly till I only have 1 a day to take for my real pain because of my back in a emergency. And I will probably take it in 2 halves. What do you all think? I am drinking the he11 out of water right now and am vibrating all over and I have 1 greenbean left. half for 2 days which leaves me completly out for a coupla days. I think I will cut it into 4 pieces. and swallow a fourth a day.... and take nurotin till i get my script and start my taper. I feel happy and have faith in my loved one. pray for me. I need help god. Give me strength and courage to conquer these demons. ill keep you updated. ttyl

[10356]

Hi gilleygoatgruff.. I have read your whole thread and em worried for you.. I do believe in good and evil but the demons you speak of i can not wrap myself around although I can your dreams and experiences.. from what it sounds to me you have a toxic buildup of drugs combo and maybe even toxins that your liver and kidneys can no longer filter causing hallucinations.. I em not a Dr, I can only speak from my experiences.. when I hit my bottom I was consuming pers like candy I have stage 3 kidney disease and stage 2 liver disease. the toxins were so built up and the drugs so much in my system I had a break from reality.. I had thought my family moved me to another town I did not recognize my own bedroom I have lived in for over 27 years I was seeing things that are hard to describe and could not figure out if I was dreaming our if I was awake. I was speaking to my husband about conspiracy's others may have that are dead as if they were still with us. I could not write sign my name our do simple math.. this went on for a couple of weeks the whole time me eating percs. my family did not know what to do they did not want to betray me but I was dieing right before them. finally my husband took me to my Dr. I could not even speak to him for at that time I could not formulate speech. I had to go back everyday as they lowered my dose slowly for 3 weeks then I was forced to seek help. they wanted me in a rehab for 6 months with no contact with family for the first 3 months. I could not do this nor could my husband do this to me so I went thru therapy. It literally saved my life. There is a reason we take our addiction to such levels.. I really believe your life is in jeopardy and if you do not get a grip now you will not be able to in the future.. Your idea of moving to get stronger drugs is insane.. your idea that if you move to this new place you will be outdoors enjoying the sunshine the waves is a lie you are telling yourself. as long as you are in the grips of active addiction you will not enjoy any of these things.. You are pawning your childs things for drugs It sounds to me like your mom is helping you raise your girls for I do not see how you are capable. I do not mean this to sound harsh just the reality of your situation. what are you trying to kill inside yourself that you are taking your addiction to this level ? I was trying to kill my past my memories of my past of child molestation and rape of abuse and neglect.. You speak of loving your children more then anything but this is not true for your drugs come before them.. I have given a child up for adoption a daughter to my mother thinking it was for the best for them but in reality it freed me up to pursue my addictions. I regret this today but the past I can not change.. we can only change today.. I will say a prayer for you that you get a handle on this now our that like my case someone loves you enough to intervene for I do not think you can keep this up much longer.. I really do wish you wellness of spirit body and mind.. lesa

[gilleygoatgruff]

You are right I am currently waiting to my next script. (Which is friday) All of you are right..... The only time I think clear though is when I am clean. Like for now example. I have snorted half a greenbean this morning and took 1200mg of nurotin. The thing that scares me is I say that ima tapper off then when I get them I o/d for atleast 2 days. Im talking bout waking up just to take more. Every month it gets worse. I get two scripts at diff times a month and o/d everytime.... Last night after I posted I went to bed bout 2am and I slept just long enough to have a horrible nightmare. I was paralized I know thats not spelled right. n e way from the waist down I couldnt feel nothing...In my dream I wasnt sad about it, I think I kinda accepted it. In my room was a old lady I have never seen before,who I thought was dead because she was tilted back on the toilet with her mouth locked open and her eyes fixed. I wheeled myself back around to my bed and started to pull myself in and she poped out of the bath room. So I wheeled myself out into what was supposed to be the hallway and it was a mad house! It was like a two floor mall and all around people were running and screaming and here I was confined to this wheelchair. I remember I had a pop (soda) and didnt want no one to drink it. It was sitting beside me on a bench. I looked away for a second and looked back at my soda and the tab was turned backwards? Like someone was fu ing with me then I looked straight and realized y everyone was frantic. 2 inches from my face was a little girl with glowing white eyes drooling on me. She was alive but dead (kinda like me) So I quickly grabed her and snaped her neck...."Yeah I know" N e way I yelled for everyone to start doing that because it worked. (yea another zombie apocaliptic dream)

My point is this do you all think that this is my mind just going nuts because of to much of one drug or lack there of another? Or is this possibly GOD trying to tell me something? I am confused. I dont think I have mentioned this but in may I am moving out of state or I am trying real hard to anyway. The sad reason is I am moving for two reasons. 1 is the warm climate weather and the ocean is 30 minutes away. The other is I know I can get twice as much meds and twice as strong. I have had dreams of me being there and they were never good. I want to move so badly to run from my problems here and belive me there are alot. I would have to take my girls and leave my mom and that makes me sad but I hear it calling me..... Here I get 90 perk 10s 120klonapins 90 loracet and nurotin where I want to move with my back problems and MRI in hand I will easily get roxy 30 or OC and z's and alot of them. I know this cause bunch of people from my town have went to get them and are now doing hard time. I want to move because of the weather but I am scared of myself because of what I can access. I started school this semester not to better myself but just to access the money to move. IDK mabey I shouldnt even try to get them if I move. Its a whole new beginning for me and my family I have often thought that I would quit when I get there cause its sooo beautiful. I would have many more destractions and not my dr. So y go get another one to quadrouple my meds when its so hard now to quit what Im doing I can only imagine what it would be like to try to quit from anything harder. ( I wish these damn shakes would go away, makes it hard to type ) Anyway I tell myself I will just have my cake and eat it to while I am here then stop when I move. I think I am a half way inteligent man. I know what to do and what I need to do it.
Let me ask you all something its a little out ther but do you all belive in demons? I am not talking about it like when people say you got to tackel your own demons. I mean real actual demons. I feel if I am being tourmented by atleast one possibly two. I feel like they keep me oppressed and depressed and thats y I suppress. Any one who belives in demonic possion knows there are 3 stages of full on demonic possesion. 1.deperession 2.opperssion and 3. possesion. The only thing that scares me more than leaving my girls behind is eternal damnation in a firery pit of hell. It wakes my up at all time during the night and has even crawled in bed with me and choked me. I jolted because I thought it was one of my kids that had just crawled in bed with me and when I jolted it dissapeared. I had my hand on its head.....I felt its hair.... Sometimes I feel if I was to turn quickly I would see it like in my dreams 2 inches from my face screaming at me in anger, wanting to hurt me. I swear I can feel when it enters the room. Especially at night. I am a light sleeper and if you walk into my room I will wake up. And at almost everytime it is at 3am and as you may know that is the mockery of the time christ died. Have you ever heard of or had this happen to you. I woke up one night and came into the living room and sat on the couch and a big big female demon with very lil clothes came either out of me or from behind me and stood in front of me and I was scared stiff then bam! I woke up again. I was scared. I came into the living room again and because of my dream I sat on the love seat and then I looked torward the tv and there was a lil girl with long black hair and black eyes and a faded night gown on staring at me chanting..... I was scared stiff again. then bam! I woke up again.... I had a dream within a dream within a dream. I was to affraid to get up again so I shook my gf beside me and she made some noise and eventually everything faded out and I woook up and it was daylight. I still dont know if the third time was real or not but i wasnt about to get up again...IDK what it is about night time and cold weather but it makes me very sad. Does it do that to you guys? winter is soooo long where I live and I live in the southern backwoods. You caint go outside and its dark at 5:45pm every evening. It su cks. Thats another reason I want to move. Where I want to move it is 80 degrees today. I can taste the salt water from the wind on my lips right now..... The warm sun blasting me in the face. It is beautiful. I think I really need a new beginning and surroundings But I dont think I will be able to run from my demons... My drugs or the real ones. Its like a 200lb backpack that I can never take off. Do you all think that my new surroundings will help me when I get there?

[Jane1962]

you said you live in a small town so there probably aren't very many resources for you there. It sure sounds like besides being addicted you are depressed and anxious. You need to get some professional treatment if you are going to break this cycle. I have been where you are, I spent almost one year in bed because they had me on so much medication that I could no longer function. I never doctor shopped and two years before he left me my husband went to my doc and told him that I needed to get off the meds. The doc told my husband that I wouldn't be able to function without the medication (I had chronic intractable migraines and went to a doctor that is respected and a nice person).

Two years later I lost my job, my house, my husband and most of my friends. Thank God that I had one friend who stood by me through everything. 5 years later I am still on and off pills, I go through withdrawls quite often I know it *****. I was completely clean for one year then my Mom got sick and I had to move home to help my parents and because I never got any help my life was still a mess. I steal percocet from my Dad who needs them alot worse than I do. I can never get to the point where I stay clean all the time. I do take something for anxiety 4mg. of klonipan but I am currentely working with my doctor to start weaning of those, tried to go cold turkey, narcotic withdrawl is nothing like trying to withdrawl from benzo's they definately need to be tapered. Monday I have an appointment with a drug counselor for a drug assesment. I am about to finish up my master's in Rehab and drug and alcohol counseling, I couldn't be a hypocrite and tell others not to do drugs when I was doing them.
Pain meds are my thing, they seem to give me energy and make me feel not as depressed. I wouldn't say I take enough to get high, I can go all day and only take a 10mg. oxy. but if I don't have something I do get cravings and feel like an idiot looking all over the house, and car just for a dropped pill or one I forgot to take.
You can get clean but it sure sounds like you need to get help. Many times there are mental health issues associated with drug use, depression, anxiety or bi-polar issues that have never been treated so we continue to self medicate to relieve the pain.
There should be a program that is offered by your state that will pay for those who cannot afford to pay for treatment. If I were you I would look into this. Don't loose your family believe me it is a devestating feeling. I was so out of it when my husband and I split up I didn't even realize he was so close to leaving me, now that I look back on it I see all the signs were there I was just to overmedicated to care. I am blessed with two wonderful kids who have forgiven me and support me in my effort to finally get clean completely. I also have saints for parents, without them I would be living on the street. I use to be a very succesful and ambitious person, I pray that I can have all that back one day very soon. You can too just reach out for help and it will be there,  In your situation though I really think you need some type of in-patient treatment to help with the detox and some of the other mental health issues you are having, there is nothing wrong with getting help!!!! Addiciton is a disease just like any other disease it needs to have the proper treatment so you can get well. I will pray for you and your children.

[gnarly_1]

Dude time to quit trying to score and time to say im going to do this ......your life is a reck your at rock bottom you need to get clean I Get the feeling your just waiting for your next script to come in you need to put an end to this madness b/4 it kills you .....you have kids to take care of pawning there stuff is not taking care of them it time to look at the big picture put your big boy pants on and buckle down and get clean it is the only rational solution im sorry if I come off as harsh but someone needs to wake you up I normally dont go this route but inpatect rehab might be your only solution give this a try on your own but start to try and that begins when you quit taking pills to get off pills if you dont dye of an O/D there are many more painful ways todye from this disease liver failure or kidney failure are just a few im not trying to hard nose you im just trying to wake you up b/4 it to late I care about everybody that comes threw here im just trying to get you to see the seriousness of your situation good luck and God bless.......Gnarly  

[wannabeedone]

Wow...that is some power stuff there..made me start bawling my eyes out towards the end....Im pretty much in the same situation currently..havent been clean for going on three years....trying to go cold turkey from the vics with a little help from some ativan...littlebit said it perfectly....tears really do cleanse the soul...i just hate to let anyone see me cry...my son had brain surgery...which is when this nightmare began..and I didnt even cry in front of my family.I know its seems so hard to think positively...but apparently ..we have no choice!!! If we want it bad enough we can do this! One of my main motivations is to think of how i was BEFORE all of this bs....i can and will be that person again...soon enough maybe we can be on here reflecting to others our magnificent journey out of the darkness!

[littlebit010101]

Gilley just take a breath hon....its ok..the drugs mess our brains up...u have to get off them and let ur body heal and u can think more clearer...I promise u just stop and let the healing start ur body will mend itself its designed that way...we all have guilt trust me...but our family loves us and family forgives us...just give urself a chance and your girls...wds aren't easy but u can do it...ur emotions will be all over the place but just go with them...tears cleanse the soul....dig deep down and find that strength to get ur life back....keep posting please...it really helps....

[gilleygoatgruff]

Makes me feel good to know that someone cares that I dont even know. I feel like crud to say the least today. My life is on a downward spiral. I go the shakes. BAD. I have had very little in the last two days and My mind and body is starting to feel my mixture. (nurotin,klonipin,xanax,roxy,loracet,tremadol,metatropolol,ambien,some kind of muscle relaxer and benadryl) not but 1 or 2 of each but mixing and not enough of narcos is tearing me up. I am trying to substitute for being out but it is not working! All I do is think about it. I pawned something of my kids today.... You know had bad that makes me feel? I feel like a rotten dad. She is little and want miss it...probably,(hopefully). But thats not the point I know I did it. How do I get it off my mind. I dont work and have nothing to do but sit around the house all day and think. I know you are not supposed to wish your life away but I wish I could start clean right now 8:47pm  Jan 6th and lay down and take a 2 week nap. I not able to get help I have to do it on my own because I have 2 small children who have no one else....Its funny how life decisions can be so diffacult. I would beg to lay down and die in the place of one of my kids but caint make the choice of whether or not to live or die (quit or keep on) for myself. I want to someday see my grandchildren married before I die. I dont even want to think about what would happen if I was to die. How would my baby understand that her daddy her superman is in the ground forever?....It scares me to death. I have bad post apocalypse dreams of me trying to protect my children from the demons. I love them so much......So much. I want them to have there daddy. I hurt emotionally physically mentally and in every way a person can hurt. Inside and out. Please GOD. Help me......

[littlebit010101]

Hi gilley I know xanax is used for anxiety and many people use it for that...can u see a Dr to get them so he can monitor ur use and make adjustments?.. the only thing that concerns me is u say they make u mean...that is a bad side effect to have...so I'm not sure it would be best for u...but I also know panic attacks are horrible...but I can tell u this since me coming off pills I don't have them anymore...and I also had them long before taking oxys but thankfully they have vanished...which I've done a lot of soul searching and dealt with a lot of demons and grief I had buried so just a thought there....but u really Ned to see a Dr to help monitor ur dosage...good luck to u my friend...

[gnarly_1]

I think its time to dry out it sounds like you have lost most everything or are about to your habit is out of control the question you have to ask yourself here is my desire to get clean grater then my desire to get high if its not this wont work you need to cut ALL tyes with friends that use all persons places and things that remind you of using have to go....if you dont want to go threw a second divorce and be on the street with your kids you need to end this......im sorry if I sound harsh but somebody needs to bring you to the realty of your situation your still seeing it thew pined out eyes if N/A is 120mi go to A/A they have the same principals but get help you are in this to far to walk it out alone your going to need a support system I for one care if you make it as I do everybody that comes threw here but there comes a time that you need to make some changes.....nothing changes if nothing changes.....dude all im doing here is trying to save your life and your family I have watched this disease take many a good man down dont be the next one just because you tryed and failed dosent mean you give up you push forward and get threw it will be here to support you good luck and God bless......Gnarly  

[gilleygoatgruff]

That is great Texas I have and am going through the same things right now. I have a check if I dont pay on or before the 12th then I will have a warrant on me and down her you will get 11/29 fast especially for one like mine which is almost 400$. I kinda think I would be trading demons but I belive that if I had a script of xanax I might not need narcos so much if at all. But around here thats the only thing you will have trouble getting from the white coat men.

The point is like today for example I am having a massive panic attack and I get klonipins Thoses are the only ones I have never aboused by the way I was always to scared to. I dont know if you know what its like to have a panic attack and have nothing but I do. I used to have to run to the er atleast twice a month for a valuim. I have been taking klonipins for about 8 or 9 years and they hardly do n e thing for me n e more and when I do have an attack I have to take like 4 or 6 of the 5's to calm it down. But if I have a xanax I can take one or one and a half depending on how bad and I am calm as a cucumber. What I am trying to say is before narcos I would get frequent panic attacks but when I started taking narcos I never panic attacked unless I was down to the last few. If I had me a script of 90 totem ploes a month I dont think I would ever have a need for narcos. The only side effect they have though is they make me a complete azzhole. So I have been told. I dont notice a diffenence and I never black out or get so f' uked up I dont remember but I do notice the next day more things get on my nerves than usual. Down here the call z's (xanax) "blue felonys" cause most the people I know catch a felony everytime they get f' uked up on them. But I dont abuse klonipins or z's So what do you guys think? Should I try to trade one for the other or will I be in the same shape with those? Cause I am pretty good bout holding my will on those cause I am so scared of panic attacks.?

[littlebit010101]

Awesome post Texas I'm so very proud of u....ur amazing...and I did the exact thing my beautiful family suffered bc of me and that I couldn't live with...its so beautiful on this side....congrats to u...didn't mean to hijack but u touched my soul...

[texaslady68]

Goat, I am sorry you are in so much pain.  I am 10 days clean from 120 a week Norco habit with soma occasionally.  I was spending over $1,000 a month doctor shopping only going to my one legitimate 1 per month that insurance covered.  It got to the point where I couldnt get out of bed and get to work. I was put on administrative leave and did not receive a paycheck December 1.   I have a great paying job and make plenty of money.  I am a single mom with two teenagers. My moment came when I couldnt pay my house note due to not working, my light bill wasnt paid, and had 4 returned checks. I finally saw the walls closing in on me and said what the F**k am i doing to my life. The pills no longer made me happy, in fact just the opposite.  I lost all my friends because I became a hermit over the past 6 years.  I had to make myself do everything.  The house became dusty, and only half azz cleaned.  Mainly, I realized how I had lost MYSELF.  I said enough.  I work for the State of TX and knew I had 3 weeks off work paid because where I work we are shut down during that time every year.  I borrowed money from my mom, she paid for my kids Christmas and told her the truth.  I told everyone.....I called all my friends and told them.  I told my teenagers!  They knew something was right. i used to be the mom that took them every where, movies, dinner, etc.  that quit mainly because my pills were more important to pay for.  How pathetic is that.  I hated myself. Then on Christmas Day, I took my last half.  3 days later, I posted here and was sooooo sick.  i thought I might end up in the hospital.  I didnt, and i am on day 10 and feeling great.  I love laughing, crying and most importantly feeling.  My kids and I crack up all the time.  I am concentrating at work and getting things done.  I am going to clean this house from top to bottom this weekend.  

You really have to want it, that is all I can say.  Stop throwing your life down your throat or up your nose....dig deep and pull yourself out of that bottomless hell pit and quit giving the money to the devils in the white coats.

God Bless you I will pray for you!

[littlebit010101]

I didn't want to live anymore on pills...I didn't even know it was the pills that took my whole personality away..I had no emotions:...just functioning not living I didn't feel anything....but I knew I didn't feel that way until I started taking oxys....yes I remember the moment I had two days before my refill and had two oxys and was so sick of running out and suffering so I popped the two oxys called my Dr and said cancel my scrips forever I quit...he had already discouraged me from quitting many times said I couldn't make it I had too many medical issues...but I said well I can't live like this I want out...and I jumped...and my life is mine again...I forgot how much I liked me..it was worth it all to get here....good luck my friend...

[gilleygoatgruff]

I do live in deep south. I just never put correct info anytime anything on the net ask for it. My town is so small we just got the great wal mart. lol. If you all dont mind can I ask you what made you all decide to make the first step....Can you remember the exact moment?

[IBKleen]

I know you are struggling with this. Been there, done that. But there will come a time that you will just have to give this up and get clean. You can't go on like this.

Your profile states that you live in Beverly Hills, California and you make it sound like you are in the deep south...confusing? I don't care where you live. That is not the point. You found a way to get to the drugs, now find a way to get recovery help.

We will support you but you have to make that all important first step.

[gilleygoatgruff]

I know I need to quit and I want to quit its just that it has its grip on me like a demon that want let go. I feel so sad today. My back hurts so bad I dont know if I have the strength mentally or physically to try it again. I honestly think I know now y people just give up. I misjudged alot of people in my life that were on pills. I thought "why dont they just quit?" Simple as that. But Now I see its not so simple. There are no NA groups in my lil small pop town of about 3500 and all my money has gone to pills and I dont even have a car or gas money to get there if I found one in the closest city which is about 120 miles away. Have any of you ever watched that new series "moonshiners" well I am not as hick as them but I do live out in the deep backwoods of the bible belt. Thats another reason I think alot of people around here turn to drugs. We are stuck here. It seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel except taking the cowards way out n offing yourself which I would never do guys so dont worrie. I belive n GOD and I know that if I think I am hurting now... huh. I def dont wonna try an eternal pit of firery hell. and most of all I have kids who wouldnt understand. I wonna see grandbabies someday. I pawned my car for chritsmas money for my kids since I spent all money on pills. I also have a cold check out that if I dont pay by the 12th I will have a warrant out for me. Belive it or not I have never been arrested. I am scared to death of jail dont ever wonna go n be forced to detox with no help. They will let u lay n die around here if you tell them u r detoxing and the cops or turnkeys will prob give you a kick in the head for wasting there time for such a stupid reason to them n e way. I live in a crooked corupt lil town. Everyone has there price. Just a few months ago a cop was arrested for pulling people over taking there drugs n letting them go. took them forever to catch him cause who is gonna step up a say "yeah that cop stold my oc's by the way add 10 felonys to me please" No thank you. N e way thanks for listening again keep me in your prayers as usual and dont give up on me. you all are my only support I have at all.ttyl

[youngster4]

Hey bubby,

I am on day 3 myself, and I will not be starting over!  Please join me, you are only about  72 hours behind me now. Let's do this together.  I'm seriuos, let's do this together.

I'm 44 yrs old and fed up with living by the bottle.  I hate going to the dr. Office and I hate going to the drugstore for the pills. I hate that I go places and see people smiling and having a good time and knowing they aren't high and they look happier than I do. I hate that my 2 kids have a dad that is an     addict and they don't even know. I hate that I don't even go to see my best  friend anymore, he lives 2 houses away. He doesn't even call anymore  because he has figured out I won't be leaving my house.                                      

I have been on the narco's for at least 10 years, I only want my pills. I have done them all, percs, oxy, Vicodin, vicoprofin, Demerol and tramadol. I had a stash of tramadol, over 1000 of them just to be sure if I ran out of my percs I wouldnt go into withdrawal. I never ran out of my percs and hydros so I was taking the tramadol with them. Yes, I felt fine for years, I'm now tired of feeling fine, I want to feel, and whatever the feeling may be, happy or sad, I want to feel it for what it is, not masked over with pain pills.

We get 1 life here on earth and I have wasted a great percentage of mine under the illusion that pain pills were making me see things better. I do not want to picture myself a addict one more day, I'm not going to either, I'm done!  I planned out Jan. 2 as the first day in my new life. I let all scripts run out and I threw over 600 tramadol away last week.

I feel like crap and I haven't slept. My arms were so jittery I could have knocked out a prize fighter 2 nights ago, last night I could have kicked a record setting field goal with the juice in my legs. I have had all the ugly withdrawal symptoms and I'm loving it!!!! I'm on the way back to being myself, and that's the person my my wife fell in love with and it's the guy all my family and friends like and deserve.

[littlebit667]

Hon, you have to be ready.  You will know when that time is.  I just hope you don't lose everything before that happens.  Keep coming back and I hope you decide to quit for real.  The people here will be there for you when you are.  Perhaps you could attend a few NA meetings in the meantime.  You don't have to be clean to go..you just have to want to try.  Your kids deserve a clean father and you deserve to be clean for yourself.