Tapering off.....not a choice

[Kuckma]

Hello everyone,

not sure u remember me....

I was convinced I could taper off just like that....
coming to find out, its not that easy!
Not sure if I can get it done, here I am faced with another refill!!!
The taper off is just not for someone like me, to be honest, coming to find out (and I am so shocked about this)
I am too hooked.

Hubby was gonna help me on this, but all it did is challenge our relationship. The last two weeks have been so tough on us. As of right now we are not even talking to each other, cause I tested his patience one time too much. I have been a real b****!
I have to do it cold turkey. Just not quiet ready for it yet. guess as long as I put it off the harder it will get.
I have been thinking different about the pills I take, there not 'my friend' anymore.

Just wanted to let you guys know 'where' I am in my quest. I'm frustrated and it is almost Christmas, don't feel very Christmassy.

[gnarly_1]

HI just got done reading your post.....I write a lot of these late at night I truly hope you dont read it till morning but I know how this goes...if it 3am and your up shaking just let this be an encouragement to push past the pain....your doing the right thing I still remember how it was for me...I got real close to God and prayed that Jesus would deliver me...later on I learned to pray for strength to go threw it in the end I think I got a little of both he all you got at 3am
remember a hot soak goes a long way in releaving the symptoms YOU CAN DO THIS your well into it ....it probably wont get any worst just last a couple more days hang in there I will check on you in the morning try to make it threw the night good luck and God bless...Gnarly  

[Kuckma]

crying...crying .....crying....

I mad it through the night....right now I wanna go to the bridge and jump (well not really).

The pain is the worst now, I walked, rested, walked, rested and yes Gnarly I prayed.

In about 30 min the kids get up, and I have to interact. How the **** am I gonna do that?
I feel like such a piece of ****. Letting myself down like this!

I just wanna stay right here, not move, and be left the **** alone!

Sorry about the cussing, I normally do not talk like this

[Back2Me]

Just push through and then get right back to be if you have to. You have vested too much time now to go back that's for sure. You will be out of the woods real soon I promise. It would be a huge waste of suffering to go back now ;)

That's what I always tell myself every day now.

[Cissy373]

For me I could never just taper cause if I had pills bam they were down the hatch. I was on the roller coaster ride so long of running out of pills, getting my refill and running out in a week and going through WD's and through the encouragement of many on this forum I became strong enough to give up my refills and today I am 51 days clean of pills.

You can do this, you just have to get sick and tired enough of the roller coaster of drugs. I feel so much better and honestly the pain I had that I THOUGHT I just had to have the pills is much better.

Sound crazy? Maybe so but it's the truth.

You can do this.

[ImDONENoMore]

That's true for me too cissy373 - my pain is gone.  So no, it doesn't sound crazy at all.

[Kuckma]

I cant really tell right now what kind of pain I have since it is all over.....
But in between the pain (even if it is just a few sec) I see a like a light.

Real faint, a feeling of joy, I can do this!

I need to go and shower, but im glued onto the couch with 3 blankets.

"Mom what wrong...are we still going to the mall and getting that one more thing we needed for Christmas for ganny?" " How come its just cereal for breakfast?"  "Are you ready to get the cookie dough out of the fridge, u said yesterday it needed to rest....how come that long?"

That is what makes me feel bad!!!! Most of anything in the world. I am lying to my children!!!!
Her I am, wanting them to come to me when there ready to have sex, if there is a problem at school or if someone EVER offers them drugs!!!!

What a hypocrite!!!

I am not 100% there for my kids when they need me the most! When they miss there entire family so much (everyone is in Germany). the only one they have is me, and I am failing!!!!

I feel like spilling beans right now so if you wanna listen, do so, if not......I dont know, then dont...

I am german, I am not an american yet, not sure if I ever will be because I do not feel like dropping $700 to just take a test and say IM an american.
My family is in germany, I do not have anyone here, but my husband ( we got married 5 weeks ago). My children and I just moved to america 1 1/2 years ago, after spending 4 years in Germany with my family while I was fighting cancer. BTW german dr do not give u Nocotics for pain, almost never!

Anyway, since I got back, I been battaling with complications after cancer surgeries, I went to the dr here in america. AND BAMM, Im hooked on pills.
It happend that fast, I did not even know its possible!

OK Im done (for now) needed to share....sorry was a long one...cant promise I will not do this again today!