Day 20....depression is winning/Tramadol is calling - HELP

[Farmgal40]

I never had depression before Tramadol. I am now day 20 of being off tram. The first few days were with rough with depression, anxeity, tears, rage, restlessness, screaming voices in the head to take pills, etc. Those have subsided mostly, but the depression has hung on. I had NO idea until I started reading on here that there was an antidepressant effect in tram, I went cold turkey and was not prepared for how low it would take me mentally. I am just going through the motions of life, but today I have said to myself about a dozen times - if this is what life is like without the pills, no joy, no excitment, then being on the pills is better. I have read a lot of posts and I know people had their ups and downs as the weeks went by. Has anyone else had their depression get WAY WORSE a few weeks in? and if so what did you do? the soonest appt I could get in w/ my PCP is Friday and I'm asking about AD's.

I keep reading people saying how they get off the pills and life is so beautiful and stuff...WHEN is that going to happen for me? I feel like I've taken a huge step back, I don't have a bad life ....its a beautiful sunny day, why do I feel like I just want to curl up in a corner? I am depressed to the point of not functioning. It's been a few hours that I've felt like this...please tell me tomorrow will be a new day and there is hope?

[Farmgal40]

Well, for everyone playing along at home - let me just say that it's Day 25 for me, AND THERE IS HOPE!  The day before yesterday, the clouds seemed to part a little - I didn't even trust it at first, I was waiting to feel like crawling into a ditch again. BUT that didn't really happen - I had two days in a row with bursts of energy during the day (unfortunately I was working) so I feel like the real test will be when the weekend comes, will I spend another Saturday or Sunday just sitting on the couch being a waste of space, or will I have the motivation to do something, anything, that makes me happy.

I'm feeling bad that I can't chime in on some of the posts right now - I' not pregnant and don't have any kids, so I can't give any of that advice going back and forth!  I saw some stuff about a poor lady who went to an NA meeting and was told she can't talk unless she is clean & sober! What the frig is that about???  I am afraid to go to them anyway....for fear of public shaming I guess - but that is why I love it HERE, no one will judge you or apply rules.

I know everyone's situation is different, but thankully my insurance covers mental health visits, so I went one on one to a pscyhologist I have seen in the past and it cost me less than $10.  It was very reassuring to hear, that my having no joy in life, no motivation, is a temporary thing that will pass once my brain chemistry reboots. Of course YOU ALL have been saying that all along - and its true!

Man I can't believe the difference from day 20 to day 25. But I'm scared to say I feel better and jinx it. I'm not even close to 100%, but for anyone out there in the early stages of coming off pills and feeling how awful it is - I tell you, IT DOES GET BETTER!  STICK WITH IT!

[Farmgal40]

Lily, it's SO FUNNY that you mentioned Fall! I swear - we all end up crossing eachother's paths for a reason!

one of the reasons a few days ago I knew something was really wrong, is because I LOVE FALL. I mean L O V E!  I live for Halloween - we have big parties, costume parties, dinner parties - I am like a ball of excited energy from Sept 1 - Nov 1st!  And this year - I finally got the energy to dig through the weeds and find pumpkins growing, and I was like... eh.  then leaves started falling from the trees, which normally I'd be so excited, and again, i didn't really feel anything. I know that excited feeling you are talking about - some people get it for Spring, Summer, etc.

I am so glad to hear you are a year - CONGRATS!  it gives me hope. I do have some anxeity (but honestly, I considered that my "natural energy state" prior to the pills) but yeah its the depression that worries me. So like I said - we'll see, maybe I'll go for AD's and maybe not. I just know that this time - I am going to RESEARCH  anything a doctor gives me first - I still remember the PA at my dr's office saying, "oh tramadol are not that serious, they are not even a narcotic" (they became one in my state a  ew months ago)  YEAH RIGHT!  and  so I am not going to by what is on the label, I am going to do "in the trenches/on the streets" LOL research - like these posts - before I start to take whatever AD they give me.

[waterLilly7]

omg you hit the nail on the head for me friend! I am so glad I read your post. I am over a year clean from oxy etc. now and I have been where you are but now I am feeling great. So now that I am feeling great autumn is approaching. The chill is in the air,and I get these little good feelings of fall, you know, that fresh new season feeling, but then I get an instant emptiness, its a little like dread, it's like, well, what is it now that I am supposed to do to keep that good new season feeling going? What am I supposed to do. It's been so long. I get a little afraid that I will screw it up, LOL.
I then tell myself that I am supposed to just go with the flow and everything will fall into place, and I know it will.

Sounds like you are suffering from some anxiety too. This is normal, and these symptoms are the last to go. you sound as if you think you are not doing so well, but from all of your posts you are doing terrific. My poor dog didn't get many walks for a good while, and my garden would have withered if I had one, it was enough to load and unload the dishwasher, one rack then rest, then the next rack.
You are doing great, and you work too!
hang in there, these symptoms are worse than puking sometimes, but you will get through them.
hugs,
Lily

[Farmgal40]

Thanks everyone who replied! I have to say, I think I have a 'somewhat" easier time during the work week - I'm busy all day, and on the weekends I have 'time" to think about everything and my mind sinks into depression.

This is the best way to describe what 'stage" I am in;  my head can rationalize that the pills are bad, so that is good. But right now, my brain can't fully remember life before the tram.  So I am stuck in limbo of trying to figure out what my life is going to be like off the pills? and Gez, I was only addicted for about a year - I SHOULD be able to remember! Right now I the only things I have to compare are what life is like NOW - no joy, no happiness, depressed, no energy.

I REFUSE to believe that doing something great like getting off these pills, means being miserable the rest of my life. This has to be temporary! I refuse to give in to thinking that life is going to be crap!  I am not a patient person and I just wish someone could guarantee, okay by "THIS" date, you'll be fine - like I had something concrete to look forward to and count the days. I know it's not realistic.

I know I am going to need to read and post tomorrow; as tonight I am seeing my psychologist (they don't prescdribe meds, I don't think) but this is just to admit to her about my pill addiction and see what advice she has for me, maybe things I can change in my thinking or life to help. It was just a scheduling issue that I could get in to see her, before I could get an appt w/ my MD about AD's; that appt isn't til Friday.  She usually really makes me take ownership for any issues i have going on in my life....so I'm nervous to tell her and what she is going to say. I guess I'll be back on here tomrw to let you all know!

[Molytex]

I know how you feel - in fact many of us propably do :o) so you can/should/must absolutely use this place to vent and whine... This is the place you come to when you need to do that..

I think an AD is a good idea.. I am on one and have been for many years and I truly believe the reason I'm not scraping the bottom of the depression barrel or anxiety for that matter is that it is helping me through this.. It is true that it can take weeks before the effect kicks in but know that it is just as normal for it to kick in after 2 weeks as it is for 4-5 weeks.. so don't bother with the worrying about the weeks it will take - focus on getting through today...

[poopieskoopie]

You are not alone. You've got to get a grip quickly before you return to active addiction. I too was bitten by the tramadol bug but I'm managing with suboxone and celaxa. Getting a ssri antidepressant is what you should do to replace the seratonin lost due to tramadol use. You're right about this not being a strait road to recovery...many ups downs and curves along the way but the journey teaches us so much. Good luck and never give up!!  

[waterview4326]

    Boy do I get how you feel. I think you know what I have been dealing with my husband's surgery. This has been the longest and most disturbing few days I have had since withdrawls. At 40 days ALL my emotions are just pinned up inside me, I am angry all the time about well EVERYTHING LOL!!!!   I get tired easy also, my housework has suffered, my joy in cooking is gone, I know deep inside myself it is still the tram talking.

    I can't even put into words what my last few days have been like, I have spiraled down crying because my husband has meds here, needed meds for him. The feelings I feel are so intense that it scares me, I lashed out at him an hour ago, I want it over, I am really struggling here. So trust me I so get it, I have nobody over either, my house does not look like it used to, my personality is different, I am different.

  However after all this I know you can relate, I am thrilled I am sober. Sorry to hijack your post but I so related to the feelings, boy time sure is slow, huh?

[ricart70]

I always liken recovery to the stock market charts up up up down down up up down up up up up up down down down up  etc.

[Farmgal40]

HAHA - thanks for the laugh about dust sculptures!  I think what I need to get thru my head, is that this journey is not a "straight line", l had thought that I'd just feel alittle better every day, so there was no way I could feel worse on day 20 then on day 10....but from reading everything (and LOTS Of other posts) I see that lots of people had ups and downs and strange things hit a few weeks in. (if these last 20 days were on paper I think they'd look like an EKG with the all the up and down spikes!) MAN it feels good to know I'm not a lunatic LOL.  

I guess I need to be grateful for every day that is pill free, whether it's a 'good" day or "bad" day.

[VICourageous]

Hey Ricart..Just throw some tomato seeds in that dust and watch them grow..haha!!

[SmilingBright]

Please learn this lesson from me.......   I did great for the first month besides the anxiety!!   Then after about a month of being clean off of methadone depression hit me like never before.   I caved!!!  Slowly but surely I caved to those stupid pills.   And now I am going through this whole process again trying to be free from the beast.    But this time I'm prepared and now what to expect.  

Things won't always be so Rosy and sweet all the time.   You know??  I have to believe all my buddies on here that life after pills is WORTH all the pain in between.  GOD is Good.  

You can do this girl!!!!   I know u can. I will be jumping from my taper here soon.  Hang in there.  

[ricart70]

Yes I don't do housework at all .I just lett it build up andmake dust sculptures and sell them online.

[VICourageous]

Its OK, Whine Away..We have been there..I used to get so wired up on my Meds that I had to change a lot of things..Like all the Work I did at once and to have it done like Yesterday..Just know you will get better and for now take baby Steps to do this work. I went to a psychologist once about 9 months ago and now I have 336 days in..I will tell you as a long time user he told me it could take a Year or Two for the brain to re-adjust from the removal of the Stims. Well I do not feel depressed any more (Which is part of the process) but my Low Motivation drives me nuts..BUT remember these things like our house work or such are only Materialist and we can not take them with us..Just Say NO-NO It is not worth it to do any more messing up on the Brain Chems that has already been done..Give it Time and I mean Time and it will all ease up soon. Be Strong and Fight the Flight..You will see that the grass is greener on the other side..Keep your Chin Up!!  I am also glad you have support from the Hub..My Hub is my biggest Support and a Life savior..Besides my God and my Meetings.
Bless

[ricart70]

It's ok to whine ! ;)   just don't cave to the pills . Go out and walk your doggy ;))  and feel better.  And also you are a better member of society right now than you ever were on pills. Believe that !  You are no longer conributing to the Hellish epidemic of addiction. People always talk about making yourself become a better person when you get off pill but really sheerly by getting off of them you become a better person,unless your a sociopath of course..lol

[Farmgal40]

Ricart: thanks you said something important " not to romance what life was like" on the pills....thankfully I can still remember what the bad felt like, every day the crash, the counting pills, days, all hell.  I need to just keep looking ahead. Sorry for being such a whiner today!

[ricart70]

Please just give it some more time. I think it's great that you are going to tell you p-doctor about the addiction.  Try not to romance what life was like on the pills. We only remember the good parts and there was after all a reason you quit. Just take it day to day and keep going. Like I said I was one like you that never got a pink cloud or easy fast withdrawal. The energy,motivation and happiness are the last things to come back. I also have clinical depression but it is a walk in the park compared to the depression of the first month or so of quitting pills. Just try to get some exercise and do what you can do as far as housework,etc.  Hang in there friend !!

[zerokewl123]

I know what you mean with the tram I was the same way it helped me get soo much done I steam cleaned my house today and was thinking only if I had a couple but I know its not the solution..Its crazy I just got a bunch of emotions when I dont really show emotion and that scared me when I didnt but I never knew I felt this way about my family not my son and wife but my family like mom and all. it hurt.

[Farmgal40]

I wish I could say today was much better. Its only a very little better.I did a VERY little gardening today, like a pathetic 20 minutes and felt like I was dying. Had a list of stuff to do...all I did was clean my bedroom, and even that took 3 stages to rest in between. I have bills to pay, laundry, vacuming, all I can think of is how much I got done on tram. I can't even think about seeing friends or family because I feel like they'd know something was wrong since I was not smiling or talking like usual. I can't imagine having people over - normally we love to entertain - but can't because my house is not clean like it used to be. So life off pills is no life at all really, its three weeks today. Gez what a depressing post, sorry to everyone who is so happy today and congrats all over the place and feeling wonderful.

I have an appt w/ my psychologist tues, I'm freaking out- b/c I've known her for 12 yrs, she has helped me get thru various things in life, but pills have never even been mentioned. I only see her when I have an issue to work thru, some years I don't see her at all - this year I saw her 3 times, and every time I was on tram (since I took it every day) and it never came up. I have to now march in there and tell her I'm addicted to prescription pain pills. I have no idea what she'll say. But I can't live like this so I decided I'll tell a "professional" my awful secret and see if she has any advice. For some reason I think it's not going to go well, like she will be dismissive. Then on Friday I will see my regular MD and see about AD's, I am so depressed I have no idea how I'll even get through the week til then; and then I dread the weeks I hear they take to kick in. I feel like life is slipping away every day. Life moved at the speed of light on these pills, which was not good, but at least I looked and acted like a productive member of soceity. My couch has seen my a$s more in the last few weeks then it has in the last 3 years combined. I feel like those f#$%$ pills PERMANENTLY took away the joy in life.

[Farmgal40]

Being on here has made me feel even better than the melty cheese & carbs!  now I am going to force myself to walk my dog, it's still sunny with a beautiful blue sky and white puffy clouds so I am hoping that a little excercise and nature helps too! Thank you ALL :-)

[Bobo0331]

Hang in there farm girl, it's day 9 for me and I know that tramadol is a rough one to come off of. You are not alone, there are several of us fighting this same fight. I will be sending you positive thoughts, and will be hanging on right beside you. Knowing that you all are in this fight right beside me doesn't make me feel healed, but it gives me strength to hang on.

Peace and sleep be with you.

[Farmgal40]

You are very strong to have been able to handle depression at 120 days! I am hoping today is just a "bad day' for me; not that I think I've won the battle, I know that 20 days is nothing (well, I mean every "one more day" is something!) but you are totally right that I need to keep my expectations low. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It helps so much to hear from people who have been there.

[zerokewl123]

Hey no prob Im on alot dont hesitate to send a note or message me ill get back to you as quick as I can. Im about to steam clean my whole house tomorrow soo not looking forward to that lol

[Farmgal40]

So glad to know its not only me who is questioning every day, how many days its been, and how do I feel this day, yada yada. Just glad I can come here and see lots of different experiences being shared. Whenver I get in my head about something, I come here and realize I'm not the only one!

[Farmgal40]

Yeah "these pills are bad news"  could not be more true! I put on some Rund DMC while doing the dishes (I know - everyone on here talks about rock music but I like my hip hop) LOL, Thanks for replying!