Tried Everyones advice, did my own way as well, but blah!

[tingtongtom]

I for a while tried to taper myself from valium and that failed. I got down to 20Mg a day from a far higher dose and then relapsed. I eventually went to a doctor and he gave me sertaline and I stopped valium, that is for 8 days and relapsed. Today I took 200MG. The psychiatrist said that he did not have time to go into deep convos, )I waited 2 hours for a scheduled appointment and it was clear he has now time.

So, he gave me some address in bangkok and I am yet to find any cognitive behavior therapy cenres or psychiatrists in my local area. I am finally ready to confront what has caused me take take NEARLY every drug under the sun for 8 years, (I am 22) and now I need to go and deal with whatever is deep inside me, I myself do not know what it is that triggered this in my childhood fully, and need help...  

[tgtiffany]

TOM!!!!  I thought you were doing so well?!!  Like I said before, get back up and start over with your plan.  Stop making excuses, it will get you NO WHERE except taking more pills.  You can do this.  You are saying that you have the sertaline, start taking that AS PRESCRIBED and see if it helps you at all.  And as dominosarah said when you want to use get online and talk to us.  We can help you!!!!  I understand that your past is the reason why you started taking the pills, even though you're not sure exactly why, but you can't let that be your excuse now, and it is.  And you say you're not prescribed all this other stuff, you are obviously then making a conscious decision to get up and get ready and go out looking to buy them somewhere.  When you feel the need to do that get on here!!!  I'm sure they have 1-800 numbers that you can call as well!!!  Maybe it will help you doing that.  I know you can do this Tom.  But as ImDONENoMore says if you don't stop taking the pills like you said you're going to end up killing yourself.  It's the truth and you know this.  Don't do this to yourself or the ones that you love!!  I majored in psychology and although I'm not licensed I may be able to help you a bit.  Message me okay?!  But please please don't take them like you've been!!!  

[tingtongtom]

Yer, do not be sorry, you have no fault, in fact quite the opposite.

I do not know what I am going to do until that FIRST appointment, (I am aware one session will not do much at all, it will require more) I have sertaline so I guess I shall take that which I was prescribed.
I just have this underlying feeling to get the hell high all the time, for 8 years and I need to find the source of this and confront it, hence the therapy.

Thanks again guys

[ImDONENoMore]

Thanks sara - you're actually right - I'm not sorry - I'm scared for you Tom - it's that simple.

[dominosarah]

Dont say sorry!!  

[ImDONENoMore]

Of course it is a step forward - only that appt. is almost two weeks away - what are you going to be doing BEFORE that appt.?  If you're still taking these high doses - my fear is you're really going to hurt yourself (or KILL yourself) and what difference will it make that you're seeing someone in TWO weeks?  NOW is the time you need to address this because you might not get a "later".  That's all I'm saying - the final decision is up to you.  Good luck to you and I really do mean that.  Sorry again if I'm sounding harsh only I think you have been coddled enough here and TOUGH love might be the only thing left to get through to you.

[dominosarah]

Yes, having an appt is a step forward and i am glad you are finally really taking a look at what you are doing to yourself.  Your tolerance is getting more and more and that concerns me.  Next time you feel the need to use, get on here and talk with us.  We want to see you be successful.  We dont want anything bad to happen to you tom.......sara

[tingtongtom]

I took 500MG later and still was not too unsober, my tolerance must be super high. I have an appointment with a psychologist soon so that is a step forward is it not...  

[ImDONENoMore]

Tom - you NEED to get more help than you are - you continue to relapse and then try to rationalize your reasons for taking them again.  PLEASE get that help.  I don't know what else to say to you - you just don't seem to be hearing anyone.  I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I don't know how else to say to you that what you're doing is going to KILL you.  Please find more support than just this forum - you NEED it - your life is depending on it.  I'm sorry if you're feeling offended by my words but this needed to be said.

[tingtongtom]

And also just to add, how the hell did I do this. Today ate 300MG of temazepam and 100MG of valium, yet I rode mu bike, had okay conversations and a beer. I felt pretty normal... I did not not pass out? I do not understand. Until I get this counseling which is on the 25th, the process to my realizations and healing, I am going to want to get higher and higher. I am scared I will take too much tempazepam and I know it is the most deadly benzo

[tingtongtom]

hey, um okay I guess but then again not so good. relasped again, but went to a certain hospital and have an appointment with a physiologist :)  I took 300MG of tempazepam yesterday and have taken some valium a few days before, but nothing like in the recent past. Yet the problem remains. Thanks for your concern :)

[dominosarah]

How are you doing tom?

[tgtiffany]

Dang, I didnt' get to see it.  I don't think.  I went right now but it's Martha Grahams 117th birthday or something, then realized it's 1:29am lol.  It's still kool though :)  SOOO glad that you seem to be feeling better Tom!!  You're whole attitude seems to have changed and you're more positive now!  Also glad that you were able to admit that dose was stupidly high lol.  We were all soooo worried about you!  Keep us updated!! :)

[tingtongtom]

by the way, today's google graphic is amazing, maybe the best yet :p

[tingtongtom]

Day 3 and the 'plan' seems to be rocking and rolling okay. 3 days after that last stupidly high dose and I am feeling okay. I am talks with a therapist who seems to be very good in bangkok and are discussing details so that may be promising after I have sorted out my new visa etc. But thank you for those who have given me some of your time and care, much appreciated :)  

Tom

[tgtiffany]

That's an amazing plan!  I think you have yourself pointed in the right direction.  Sux you can't go to therapy now, but understandable about the visa.  Just keep up on the goals and perhaps try to taper down as much as you can before the month plan thing.  Who knows, maybe you won't even need to go !!!  Good luck Tom!!!

[tingtongtom]

I am okay thanks people.  I went to bangkok which is 2 and a half hourrs away yesterday to seek out a therapist. It was so stressful, 2 days before I had taken a 400MG dose, that day nothing. I could not locate the place of this guy, then went to a hospital who referred me to another hospital where we got caught up in bangkok traffic. Then  finally met a decent therapist. However, he said that the sessions ate 3 times a week for 3 months, at 9am. It is impossible for me to get there at that time for 3 months every week. He also suggested a month plan where I stay in hospital for a month. I maybe would have done it if I didn't have to go to malaysia on the 14th to renew my visa. That may be something go think about after. My girlfriend doesn't like it of course and knows if I have taken a high dose just by looking at me, but surprisingly she never knew when I as on 400MG, maybe cos she only had 10 mins and was rushing around. I plan to stick to sertaline, make daily goals, return to buddhism and meditation and after my visa run think about therapy, thats the plan

[dominosarah]

Please let us know you are okay Tom........

[tgtiffany]

I agree with sarah.  Does your gf know?  I'm pretty sure she will miss you more if you are dead than if you go to rehab.  I understand that you don't want to go though, my husband never did either.  But I can also tell you that the other people in your life are affected by your behaviors regardless if they know about your actions or not! We can only take so much and after a while can't do it anymore.  At one point the love we have for someone stops outweighing all the stress and stuff that we have to deal with.  But if you are going to do it on your own you can't keep taking them like that!  You need to make a plan and stick to it!  You can do this, you're saying you want to and that you've tried to do it before.  Just keep going Tom, don't give in this time!!!

[ImDONENoMore]

Thank you sara for saying that - I too have been really worried about you Tom - your way definitely is NOT working.  Please seek outside help - and stop worrying about the cost (there are probably ways to set up payment plans).  The most expensive cost you should be worrying about is the cost of your LIFE.  Please listen to us.

[dominosarah]

If you keep doing what you are doing it is going to kill you.  Your way isnt working.  What does your gf think about all of this?

[tingtongtom]

because I would miss gilrfriend a lot and I am pretty sure with therapy and setaline I would be okay. I live in thailand, originally from england so it is 2.30 here in the afeternoon. i am fine, in fact, i feel as if i could take another 400Mg, but I won't.

[tgtiffany]

He sure is!!!  Yes, please do post in the morning!!  

Also, why aren't you sure about the detox?  What is your reasoning behind not wanting to really go?  

[dominosarah]

You are one stubborn ox......

Please PLEASE let us know in the morning how you are okay?  

[tingtongtom]

detox, hmmm I don't know. I am intent on seeing a therapist because my sister had anxiety as well and she saw a therapist and when I was offered the help a few years ago, i declined it. NOw I want to change and I do not want a taper, I have sertaline remeber. I will use the money to get help, twice a week may prove difficult as I have lessons twice a week as well. I have a high tolerance so 400MG doesn't do much, right now I think I am going to lay down and probably sleep/pass out whatever, thanks for your help, I have taken on board what you have said. Take care,
Tom