I admitted to having a problem

[Taymac]

After admitting myself to a rehab after some unsuccessful attempts to quit perc 30's I seem to be right back where I left off. Lying, stealing, and over thinking are some common symptoms that are caused by my behavior. "I don't know" is my answer to everything and I seem to be content with that. I feel like I am taking the steps into the depths of my own destruction by keeping this from everyone who really cares about me. I just can't tell anybody what I'm going through because I'm believing that the fear isn't even real. Nothing is real to me. I'm concerned with just about nobody but myself, my habit, and the way I feel. I was sober for 3 months now I'm back at it for 2 months and really want to know what it is that I should do. I was only using once a week, then started using twice a week until last week I used three times. I have taken pills since I was 16 and am almost 24. I really feel like this is getting old, but I don't want to get my mind warped into believing what an AA program has to offer. I'm desperate for help and this ***** worse than the dt's themselves because I find myself tricking myself into using and I don't know if its reversible without some kind of higher power.

[vicki595]

Oops!  You were writing and I was writing  lol    Sometimes that happens here.


That's right: work your way around the mountain and go to some meetings now. The  onus is on you though.  You have to decide.  Some folks pick a date/month; like a birthday month to begin this journey.      As you've seen,there are many people here and they're great.        Keep posting....that helps as well.      

[vicki595]

Hey....there you go.  That post was excellent and clear.  Much insight as well!!!  The others are so right: you come first.      We all learn here(at least I have and I have a long way to go).    Strength in numbers!!!     By the way...I have felt self centered as well but in sharing with and supporting others I have found I can get out of my own head !!!   And it feels GOOD to help/give of yourself.  Can't get THAT from a pill/drink.

V.

[Taymac]

The only thing about me wanting to quit is that I do want to quit, but when I least want to use something will trigger in my head and cause me to change my mind completely. It is a vicious cycle of back and forth and I don't want to get into this habit. I want to give it all or nothing and either leave the stuff or use it. I never want to relapse again after this time so maybe you are right. I might not be ready to quit. I don't know what else I could honestly lose. I've screwed up my entire life because of this stuff and am ready to find out what I'm made of. I just can't decide when. I am climbing a mountain and I'm looking up saying this **** is too steep and far to difficult for me to climb. I guess I just have to work my way around the mountain to find my route to the top. I know I'm going to die if I keep using so it might take one or two meetings to get me back where I need to be. Thanks guys

[Taymac]

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Wow this is some really good stuff. I can only hope that people post to my comments this much in the future! I am really happy that everyone is allowing me to be self centered. I don't think my family is as important right now as me getting sober. I know that is messed up, but when push comes to shove they have always been there for me and will be there for me when the time is right. I feel like meetings/counseling is the only thing that will work for me and having an occasional drink really needs to leave my thinking. I think the world is better off with me drunk, but I'm better off with the world drunk if I'm sober. I'm sure that there is a reason behind why I continue to go back to using again and again, but I can never pinpoint the enigma. It could be the whole disease issue, but I found it hard to stay sober when I injured myself 3 days after I picked up my 3 month chip. It was a domino effect from there. I started off slow using only a little bit to get me high, then more and more each weekend until it was twice a weekend. I don't know if this is proof for me, but I don't know how much more I need. I've had three dui's and an ai all in the last three years when my using and drinking sped up. All the dui classes I would attend high so I never learned anything there because I never saw that it was a problem. Somewhere along the line I got addicted, but tomorrow I have to do something about it because I may not use then, but eventually the boredom will come calling and I won't have the self control if I don't start talking about it/ working a 12 step

[Charetti]

I have found real motivation and support in this community.  I remind myself to read every new story and to open my mind to learning and growing.  I first joined becuase I "wanted to want" to quit. After some time I really genuinely wanted to quit!  Hope this makes sense.  If you cannot find the motivation or energy to quit right now just keep reading and posting.  You might find that this works for you too.

Good luck

[leeisgettingclean]

really good post!!!

[kim715]

Great post!!!!!!!!!!

Taymac...it's so true nothing changes if nothing changes.God willing with every relapse comes a learning experience...Take a look at what didn't work and do something about changing it.Addiction is a selfish disease but I believe recovery,especially in the beginning,must be a selfish process.It's really not about what anyone else thinks it's about what you know to be true.Ga Guy is right you have to shop around for meetings.I can't tell you how many I went to until I found the 2 that were right for me.Keep posting..All the best...Kim

[GA Guy]

All I can tell you is what I know from my experiences in AA/NA. My group reminds ourselves every night that we are no better than the person still on the street. We're just blessed to not be using that particular day. I actually see a lot of myself in what you talk about. I'm a selfish SOB that always rationalizes things in order to suit my purposes. I fought going to meetings for years and made up every story I could to keep myself out of the rooms. In the end, I realized that there were people that that stayed clean, not for a couple months like me...but, for years. It worked for them, and everything I've done so far hasn't, so maybe their way could work for me. As for being manipulated into thinking how AA/NA people think...I'm afraid that boat has sailed. You haven't said anything that I haven't heard in a meeting. It's because we're all addicts. There are no "new" stories in the rooms. Nobody is a unique addict. I'd suggest taking in a few meetings in any different place that you can. Listen for similarities and not differences. You'll eventually find someone, or a group, that speaks to you. For me, it took me hurting hard enough to try anything. When the pain gets hard enough, you'll do anything to stay clean.

[vicki595]

I tried to read your posts very carefully.      (I'm sorry....welcome to the forum. All here will embrace you and try to help )    Are you abusing both alcohol and percocet?  Is that where the AA opinion comes from?    I think I know what you are trying to say:
When clean you felt "better" than the others b/c you were so good and strong and they  were not ?  Kind of like a former cigarette smoker who is just so darn pious and looks down their nose at smokers with a look of utter disgut on their face?   Are you holding yourself up to a very high standard so that you believe"well....that's not a problem for me...I'm fine".      I will tell you this: the mind plays tricks.  Others will talk about that I think.    Just my opinion but it sounds like your family is in some pretty strong denial....Keep posting.  There are such wonderful people here.You should find some much needed support.   Um...read your post AGAIN...and know you drink as well.  Okay...hang on and calm down :)     You are worried that the family will judge you and not love you or accept you.  Others will have great sugestions re: this.  For now I'll say: you quit once and you can do it again.  Sometimes there are many relapses along the way but with a good AA group/aftercare there's so much hope.  Just keep posting and sharing..........V.

[kim715]

Well I think I'm getting a sense of where you are coming from now.Is it perhaps true that some of your family members do have a problem with addiction or alcoholism? Or do you think as though you felt that ANYONE who had a few drinks during the week had a 'problem',and you felt as though thats what you were getting from attending the AA meetings?If thats the case I can tell you that I have known a few people who felt and behaved the same way.I am an addict,but I don't particularly care for most of the NA meetings in my area,so I attend AA meetings,and although it sounds as though you may realize it now,I can assure you the AA program does not try to manipulate us into thinking we are better then anyone.

It sounds as though unfortunately,you don't feel as though you have much support from your family.You said that you 'could tell' that your family doesn't believe in addiction or the fact that you are an addict....Do you think thats true or do you think that perhaps they are in denial?I think sometimes,especially parents,cloak themselves in denial because they don't understand the disease and therefor they blame themselves.Admitting that their son or daughter is an addict would flood them with an overwhelming sense of pain and guilt because they would feel as though it was their fault,that they had done something wrong.Which all of us here know,just isn't true at all.

[bmdad]

Are you sure you are ready to quit? It's something you are gonna have to want more than anything. Also this time around you are gonna have to try something different so you don't relapse again. Have you thought about seeing a counselor to help you get a better understanding on everything? Just trying to throw out some ideas. Addictions can be so tricky and we have to do all we can to beat it.
Can you list the reasons why you feel you have to use? Doing that may make it easier for people to help. It may also help you by figuring out why you feel you have to take a pill. Sometimes people use opiates in place of a anti-depressant when it actually makes things worse. When I first started using pain meds I always thought everything was going great and I seemed happier than I have ever been. (well, except for the pain I was in from my back). All we do while using is mask everything going on in our lives. The reasons for not using out weigh the reasons for using by a ton. I know it can hard to believe but eventually everything will come together.

Brian

[Taymac]

In general, I think I have a problem with living a normal life because my family was always so cookie cutter picturesque. I'm having trouble describing myself because my thoughts are like a trapeze artist flying through my head. I feel like I'm not addicted because I can go days without them, but then when I tell myself no I have no power over my decisions I still end up using. After 3 months I felt like everything was harder on the people around me because I started judging everyone uncontrollably. I firmly believed that my father and sister were alcoholics and that my brother in law was as well. I had to push them away because they don't believe in addiction...I could tell. My sister would hardly even come to family night at the rehab center. If I were to come out and tell everybody again they would all just get mad at me because I don't think they know I'm an addict, but only think I'm casually drinking. I feel like my dad wanted me to be able to casually drink a beer and because I wasn't going to be able to do that it was hurting him to see me stay at home on a friday and saturday night when I should be living out the rest of my "good times" in college that he loved so much. I appreciate all the questions and am ready to answer any questions

[kim715]

I'm not offended at all.When you say you want so badly to be different from everyone else,do you mean everyone else in the program or everyone else in general?When you had 3 months of sobriety what things did you feel were harder on everyone else around you? Sorry for all the questions but I really want to understand what you are feeling and want to be able to help if I can...Kim

[Taymac]

"Manipulated" would be better to describe what an AA program has to offer. A program that offers support is good, but when it starts changing my life and makes me feel better than other people who still use I don't see why it isn't just as bad as the drug itself. I have almost made myself think this way so please don't be offended. I'm just trying to give you a clear view of where I am and how selfish I am. I want so much and so badly to be different than everybody else that I can never really get a clear view on my sobriety so I always go back to using. When I got 3 months of sobriety in it almost felt like things were a lot harder on everybody around me, but now I'm taking the lashings when everybody thinks I'm sober .

[kim715]

Can you explain what you mean by you don't want to get your mind warped into believing what an AA program has to offer? Not judging at all,just not clear on what you mean by that.That being said ,my firm belief is that getting clean is most definitely the easy part,staying clean is the true battle and in order to do so we must participate in some type of recovery care be it meetings or one on one counseling.After care is the key.We can never let our guard down.....Kim

[bmdad]

Welcome to the forum! The hardest part is realizing you have a problem and reaching out for help. You will find plenty of help here! There are so many wonderful and caring people here that will do everything to help and will not judge. Many have been in your shoes and many still are.
If you were sober for 3 months it shows you have the strength to make it once again. If you have only been using for once a week over the past few months your withdrawals may not be all that bad. I would get a plan in place and pick a quit day. The sooner, the better. In the upper right hand corner you will see a link called the health pages. In there you will find the "amino acid protocol". It's a list of vitamins and supplements that help our bodies recover from opiate abuse. It really does help. I think it also helps mentally as we are still able to shove pills down our face. The good thing is they are healthy for us! If you take those along with a healthy diet, plenty of water, and exercise, you will feel so much better. If you start living a healthy lifestyle it's amazing how we change our daily routines.
I do believe in a higher power and to me that higher power is God. I went to church when I was a child and while in the Marine Corps but once I got out I stopped. I started going again recently and it really helps us find ourself. Maybe try and find a church that you are comfortable with. Pastors aren't just there to preach, they are there to help us during tough times in our lives.
Just stay mentally strong and focus on your goals. Start a journal and keep track of what you want to accomplish and when. Things just seem different when they are on paper.
You have come to the right place for support! Have you considered any kind of aftercare such as NA? Someone on here always says, "getting clean is the easy part, staying clean is the hard part". That is where aftercare comes in to play. Many times it is required for success in sobriety. I personally have never been to a meeting. I have heard that you have to find a group you are comfortable with. If you don't feel in place at one, find another meeting somewhere else. You will eventually find a group that you love.
Just come here and read the posts. Read as many as you can. You will be surprised on how you can relate to so many of us. It also helps so much reading all of the stories and the ones that are successful. Be sure to post as much as needed also. You will get so much support. Just knowing that others out here that you have never met are pulling for you really adds that added bit of motivation that we all need.
Just stay strong and know that this is a fight so worth fighting and one that you will win. If you need anything, please let me know!
Best of luck.
Brian