Vikes..Norco and now Percocet??

[LoveMyKids1]

I need to be honest SOMEWHERE since I cannot be honest anywhere else for fear of judgement so I figure it might as well be here.  I am a 32yro mother of 4 (10,7,3 and 1yro).  I have a great husband, we both have decent jobs etc.. and I have truly been blessed w/ wonderful kids.  I feel like such a F**KING LOSER!!!! I have been addicted to hydrocodone for about 2yrs (honestly about 8 but, previously WAY smaller doses with long periods of time between- like monthes even years).  I have 2 bulging discs in my back and a knee w/ hardly no cartilage so pain is frequent.  However, I have taken everything from Lortab, Vicodin, Norco and now Percocets.  I was ready to quit (again) but not totally by choice but bc ran out of pills, and got into day 2 of the withdrawls and decided that I just couldn't do it.  So, I then made yet another FAUX call to the dr went into the appt and left with a fresh, shiney, brand new prescription of Percocet ( which I have never taken b4 until now).  I think that really amazed me, is that after keeping the same Dr for about 5yrs and them telling me one day (when calling in for a refill of course) that they feel that I am taking more medication than their recommended dosage and will no longer see me and referred me to a pain management specialist..... Ok, at this time, I am still having very bad flare ups in my lower back and still have to run a household as well as work full time so I really didn't put up an arguement or ask too many questions when they refused to see me any longer because, they were RIGHT, I WAS taking higher doses etc...
So I make an appointment with the pain Dr., figuring that they would push accupunture, herbal treatment etc...NEVER would I have thought that on my first appt would I leave w/ a script of  150   7.5/325 Norco's with THREE refills......Just being honest here....This is an addicts dream come true!! After a week or 2 of using these I figure, what the h*ll, I'll call the Dr. and tell them that I don't think these are working too well and see if they prescribe something else...and low and behold- they did! 150 MORE Hydrocodone 10/325 with YES another 3 refills....... So now, not only do I have the Norco prescriptions but I also have this new one with 3more refills.
Wow.... seeing this typed out makes me feel like even more of a F**KING LOSER...Wow.
So anyways, this goes on for 5 monthes of me taking the 10/325's about an avg of 10-15per day. And then, the Clever addict that I am decides that I can use the 7.5/325's to ween off everytime I felt like quitting (THINK ABOUT THIS DAILY)....  So Saturday afternoon I took my last 2 pills around 2pm and thought I was going to DIE around 9pm!!!  Sunday was pure hell so I figured I would load up on muscle relaxers- which help w/ the pain a little bit but don't knock me out- while I'm home with the kids.  At this point I am so irritable, yelling at the kids, everything they are doing or saying is driving me crazy and I feel like Im going to rip my hair out.  My 3yro saying "MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY" , my 1yro crawling all over getting into everything and having to almost cry from the bone pain everytime I bend over to pick him up and My 7yro saying "Look what I can do!" over and over... I am about to go insane at this point and they all are doing nothing but being the wonderful, well behaved kids that they are and just want mommy to play with them.
So I call the Dr. this morning and they say can you be here at 1015am? I sure can!!  
I get there and the 3rd Physicians Assistant that I've seen since going to this pain management clinic (I have never seen not ONE of the real doctors) writes me a big fat prescription for percocet and more muscle relaxers.... SCORE!!
I couldn't get to CVS quick enough, pulled thru the drive thru and to my dismay, they had no power and could not fill my script until tonight....drive to another one a few miles away, WAIT in the parking lot for the 30 mins while they fill my script, pick it up and pop 2.....and HERE I AM.
This is NOT me, I love my kids, I love my husband and I love my job.  I have half a*sed revealed this addiction to my husband (of course not being honest about the quantity or when I refill scripts etc..) and he was supportive. My kids deserve the REAL mom but I feel like just the THOUGHT of getting out of bed to get all 4 ready for school/daycare, breakfast, getting myself ready, dropping off, commuting to work, and then functioning at work will KILL me!!! I just feel so ashamed and like such a liar and a loser and my family doesn't deserve this.  I just feel so lost and I feel like the goal of quitting successfully is sooo far away and unreachable.  And I hate that my friends and family do not know that I carry this burden on my shoulders but at the same time I am too ashamed to tell them.  I feel hopeless right now.

[cocobeanlisa]

I almost cried reading your post, it's my story minus the kids.

I started the same way, but at the end I was taking 40 to 50 Norco 10/325's a day and
going to 8 pain management clinics, and ordering Rx's online.

I know you will most likely say that you can't afford to take time off from work or home,
but please reconsider this.  Maybe you are different and can taper yourself (I could not).
I know that every week when I filled my supply for that week I would say this is not me
I need to stop, and every week I did not and every week it got harder and harder.

Your not a bad MOM and you are not a bad Wife, your body is just addicted to the pills.

If you want to get off of them this site and a lot of people here will help you, all you
have to do is ask.  I know that I finally detoxed with suboxone, some are againist it some
are for it, but I did detox and was clean of the pain pills.

Hang in there and if you need us we (I am ) here for you.

Again you are not bad, just addicted.

cocobean

[howdidthishappentome]

wow; i could have written half of that.. the half about getting overloaded with rx's not so much lately (honestly though,.. i wish...)
I'm a 28 year old with a sick baby right now. I adore her.  we went through hell to be parents and that is what lead to my pill popping.
Fast forward 3 or more years (i don't even know when it all started anymore) and here i am.  i'm out of hydro's.  I had been taking at least ten a day.  Ran out.  I tried to fill another rx but somehow the pharmacies communicated unexpectedly and my dr is now onto my problem I guess.  So now I have no pills.
shoot; go figure; i can't even finish my post.  Baby is up. gotta run.

[broknbck]

You are not a loser. You have a pretty full schedule and you are trying to do it all with a bad back. And you have found a way to do it, except that you just can't go on taking all those drugs. Maybe you will have to face the facts that it is just too much for you.

Raising that many kids at those ages right now is more than enough for a full time job.( I know i had 4 kids in 5 years).  And with your injury on top of it. Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs out there but also the most rewarding. You may find that you are just going to have to step out of the working world. Getting off all the drugs is one thing but staying off and still having some kind of quality of life is another.

You will be able to get through this but you need to plan for the future so it is not all for nothing. The good news is that most people have noticed once they are off the drugs for a short period (week or 2) that the pain is not as bad as before. Because the drugs trick your brain into thinking the pain is really bad so you will give it more of the drug.

You are needing some help there with the kids while you are doing this. Getting off the drugs. And to be working also is just ridiculous. There is no shame in it. You are hurt.

[Rose703]

You're not a loser at all, in fact, your post only shows me that you're strong enough to realize what you're doing and you're not afraid of seeking help. This forum is a wealth of information but more importantly you will find so many kind and caring people who are willing to help you because we understand where you've been and where you're going.

Welcome to the forum and I hope to see you continue to post and you will get through this!!

[troubleinohio]

youve got a lot of great advice here....i just wanted to add that you shouldnt look at it as "an addicts dream come true" in respect to how many pills you got. Its more of a NIGHTMARE really. having access too that many pills will just increase your usage, and tolerance and make it that much harder to quit.
Btw you are in good company here. lots of moms with several kids, including myself. I have two little boys age 5 and 3. My story is similar to yours- real pain but couldnt control myself with the pills and had to stop.
wishing you the best, glad you found this forum.  

[Florida_Guy737]

LOL....I'm not laughing at you but oh man, I can relate!  I too had no problem acquiring meds and the same thing happened to me when my FP sent me to a Pain Management doc.  He suggested new meds, percs, pathches (which I took) and he asked me if I wanted methadone...I said no way because I thought I would be cresting a wave where I could crash if I got on that med.  Yep, our bodies can build a huge tolerance but I agree with Enemy...you're cool now with the situation but eventually, when you need 300 pills a month to be normal, you are going to have a hard time keeping up.   Sounds like you have a nice life, 4 wonderful kids (I have 2), a good job, husband that loves you...there are other healthy addictions to get you off the meds...mine is exercise now.  I quit over 5 months ago after a taper and I'm really working hard in the gym to get it all back together....lol...it's pretty interesting to sub one obession for another but this one will help me live better.  

You are in no way a loser!  Actually, you're more of a winner because you recognize you have an issue and need to change something.  This forum, the people here, and the info, stories, etc...will help you meet your goals.  

Pull up a chair, relax, and just start posting....you'll enjoy it.  BTW - this is probaly my other addiction now ... LOL...I'm an early to bed, early to rise type and enjoy getting online in the wee hours to read and post.

Cya Around,

Guy

[fedup4now]

You are in the right place.  I certainly can relate to what you wrote.  I have no problem getting prescription refils, and it is hard for me not to blame the Dr's or fall back to the "well the Dr Prescribed them" thing.
Addictions will destroy you - and not just because of the drugs, but because we lose our self respect, we end up hating ourselves and what we do.  I still cannot say some things out loud, and cringe whenever I think about what I have done.  I feel like a big waste of space, and the "f@#$ing loser" thing goes through my head all the time.  It is an endless cycle for me - I use, beat myself up, use, beat myself up etc.
Keep posting, - you may want to look for an addictions centre in your area - some have group meetings or counselling.  You need help and support, it is a tough battle on your own.  I was able to call a womens addictions centre and after a few months waiting list I was able to get a counseller and attend their group meetings.  Everyday women, moms, daughters, wives fighting the same battle - and often by themselves - functioning, so no one knows but lonely and dying on the inside - losing themselves.    
Hang in there - posting here is the first step - try not to be so hard on yourself, read what others have written - good people caught in the same trap trying to get out - you are not alone.

[ladyboop]

You are far from a loser! I know the pills make you feel that way. We have all been there. Some of us still are. You are very strong. It took me for ever to tell my ex hausband. By the time I did. it was to late. Not really cuz of the pills. But I am sure it played a part.
Just remember those kids love you with all there heart.. and always will. It took a very strong women to tell your husband. Maybe know that he knows you can put together a traper play. let him hold your pills and dole them out to you. Just a thought.

I wish you all the best. You sound like a smart women. You will do the right thing. Keep posting. Know you have all of us supporting you! We will not judge you. That is one of the great things about this forum...

        Lady

[Army220]

That story sounds so familiar.  I think you had enough it sounds like.  Now is the time to kick the addiction.  The first week is hell so be prepared and make sure your hubby is prepared to help you out.

Make sure you get some Clonidine to help the restless leg syndrome,  follow the amino acid protocol, eat lots of bananas, oranges and drink lots of water or gaterade.

Good Luck

Army

[takingcharge]

You are so strong and you don't even know it.  You posted that story and I have to tell you that I really enjoyed reading it.  None of this is funny, but reading your story probably put a smile on a lot of people's faces because most of us have been there.  

By the way, you are a very creative writer!

I do agree that you should ween yourself now while you have pills on hand, otherwise, you will suffer the consequences later.

Good luck and keep in touch.

[EyeOfTheTiger68]

Day 5 here by the way of C/T . Anyway, your not a loser, none of us are. We all pretty much suffer the same disease - understand - Disease of addiction. I have been taking Hydro's for almost 8 years. Mult Dr's and Mult Pharmacies..Then percs, vIcs, Hydros again..I have a very bad back also S-1 TO L4 a disaster so i was taking them for the reason your supposed to but after a while between onset of severe pain I would just continue. Energy...everything. I stopped or so tried several times and failed. My brother passed away in 02 ---- He took too much, and you would have thought I would know better. Whos the goose now? The fact is like you, I realized I had no control, my tollerance helped feed the addiction. a five days ago at 1030am i dropped my last one. i pray to god every night to help me though this because like you - I told NO one. I hated the fact I HAD to lie to get them, and reasons why I was out early and so on. I know you want to just be you, but with out the meds on board, I DO too. I think it takes time...but we have to battle..we have to fight...to save our lives and the happiness of our children and families. I took 10 one, 5 the next and three the very last day. I had withdrawls -- like as you read here. Its not fun! But its a matter of life and death - You CAN do it you just really really have to want to and after reading your story I would say your ready. we are all here for you - this place is the best Ive seen. Every minute --They're here...and and so am I.

[bandnmom]

First of all you are not a loser. Stop saying that. You started taking these for a real reason and just got addicted. That is exactly how it happened to me. Your body just needed more and more to get the relief and of course not to mention the high. Your family loves you and your kids will love you unconditionally. You are a great person with a problem that you are trying to fix. Its not easy...believe me i know. But it is possible. Today is day 191 for me. I tried so many times before this and was never able to do it. This time was different though. I was ready. Yes i thought i was ready all the other times but this time something just clicked. I was sick of lying. No one and i meen no one knew about my addiction. Alot still dont. I wont lie, it is so hard to get off these frickin pills but it does get easier. The energy thing like i have said before is the hardest thing to get back. You just have to realize that you are not Supermom! I had to learn that myself. So the laundry piles up or whatever but it will eventually get done. Every night still when my kids are sleeping i go in and look at them and i remind myself why i have to stay clean. For them. For myself to but the bigest reason is them. I dont want them to realize someday that i am an addict. I never ever want them to go threw what i am not to mention live with an addict for a mother like i had to. I remember hating that and then look at what i do to myself. That is something that still pisses me off.  You can do this and this forum is the best. When i came across this forum when i was looking for help i truly belive it was a godsend. No one here judges you, they are here to listen and help. Nothing you can say will shock anyone cuz must of use has been here done that. Good luck to you. If you need help, just ask.

[welldigger]

You are NOT a loser!!!!!! You had a liget reason for being on pain meds. and got addicted. I would HATE to be in your shoes with young kids and a job. I am here for you. My heart goes out to you. I would have done the same thing if I was in your shoes.  I will help you as much as I can. Probably what you need to do is start to wean yourself off very very slowly. And what ever you do, don't let anyone convince you to do on methadone to get off pain pills. That is what I did, and it was the  biggest mistake I could have made. It is the worst thing to come off of.

If I were you, I would try to start weaning yourself, very slowly. If you want to get in touch with me, I would be happy to talk to you. I am thinking about you and wish you all the best luck.

[enemy48]

First of all kiss the children.  They're your creation.  

Your story only brings back memories.  I too went to pain management.  When reading your amount prescribed, I thought, geeze.......she got screwed!  And here you are jumping w/joy!  Sorry, but I got a whole lot more!

The sad part is down the road it'll be harder and harder for you to get the amount that you'll need in the future as your body continues to build a tolerance.  That's when the unthinkable comes in to play.

You cannot lose your children to crime.  Think long and hard about this and read all the posts here.

When you're ready, we'll still be here.

Best Wishes

[Sunnyd210]

Im sorry i probably said enough but I felt that i should tell u how i got to this point- besides my little scare  i never really hit rock bottom like i hear people talk about and i was able to pretty much keep myself under control after that, then my dr moved away and it was getting harder and harder to get i wasnt actually cut off yet but i just got to the point where i couldnt do this anymore the worrying and all my time and energy wasted on this nonsense. i didnt want to go searching for new drs and i didnt want to be at their mercy or the mercy of the pharmacy anymore and i guess it finally must have been my time because i met a dr who really changed my life or at least helped me to change my life. she sent me to a dr who put me on methadone. ive heard alot of bad stuff about methadone but its such a low dose im not at all worried about being addicted to that. alot of people recommend C/T but quite frankly the only times i went C/T was when i ran out and had no choice as soon as the scrip was ready for refill or i could go back to the dr there i was. good luck to u!!!

[Sunnyd210]

That is alot of pills I cant believe that they are giving u so much and ur right it is an addicts dream lol!! while it can seem like a dream come true its really just them giving u the rope to hang urself. I had a conversation this morning with someone on here and while when i stopped i was down to 3 10/35's a day if i wouldve been able to get more i would of taken more, ive been in the situation of running out and have learned that lesson. i had a situation when i was up to like 10 pills a day that i sort of learned a lesson and had no choice but to go down to almost the prescribed dose and i stayed there and even went down some for about 2 years. u are not hopeless and i wish i wouldve known about this forum and there were drs out there to help me and i couldve saved myself 2 more years of this ****. but anyway i think ur drs are NOT doing u any favors!! if i were u i would find another dr to help u and do it way before u run out of pills mayb u can do a taper. i think if u could find someone u TRUST to help u a taper is the best way out. good luck to u and there is a light at the end of the tunnel u just need to find it!!

[confused456]

You are NOT hopeless! You came here and are looking for help! There is hope! By the way, that is a LOT of medication that you were given!! OMG......anyway, not the point! The point is that you can do this but from the sounds, a taper may not be feasible for you. Look in the health pages at the Thomas Recipe and the Amino Acid Protocol! TONS of info to help you during WD!! Hang in there. Post often and honestly, think about telling hubby as you are going to need help with the kids!! Wishing you all the best.