HELP I AM SCARED !!!!!!!!

[magrat]

I just recently found out my daughter is taking Oxy, Roxy, Hydrocodone Perc's and if she dont have enough money($15 $20 and some $40) for these she gets the methadone. My daughter is 27 with 4 children 1,2,5 & 10. She started this about 6 mos. ago. Mind you this was my little girl who preached against this. Hated it! Formed her own JUST SAY NO GROUP! This was all thru school and up to last year hated drugs and what they stood for and wouldnt even take a Midol on her worst day! This is 1 of the worst days of my life! She denied it when I confronted her after 1 of her friends called me and told me YOU GOT TO DO SOMETHING! THATS WHY I AM TELLING YOU! SHE IS GOING TO KILL HERSELF BY O D OR THEM BABIES ARE GONNA GET HURT. So I talked to my 10 yr old grandson & he told me her boyfriend does drugs! But his mom dont! He said well she might because I heard her ask him how many pills he took he said 3 and then ask her and she said 1! He also told me she leaves him @ night with the 3 kids and says she'll be right back! I have them all right now! I told her I would keep them for the weekend! I want to keep them until she straightens up! He also told me that sometimes these  2 people stay with them (differ times) I know for sure they are on CRACK!!!!! if they want to go out but alot of times he keeps the kids! I GUESS WHAT I AM GETTING AT IS SHOULD I CALL DCF AND REPORT THIS BECAUSE SHE DENIES IT AND I DONT WANT THESE BABIES GOING HOME!! He told me they have no food sometimes the waters turned off for days because her boyfriend is useless and not worth the gun powder to shoot him with had every job and quit! Then he just lives off her child support with her. He doesnt mind her working hes just not gonna babysit! She doesnt work either because her check would go to daycare! UUUUGGGGHH!  I AM JUST DEVASTATED AND SO CRUSHED FOR HER ( By having this addiction) but she is grown but FOR MY GRANDBABIES CANNOT GO THRU 1 MORE DAY OF THIS! I ALSO FOUND OUT THE FATHER OF 2 OF HER KIDS HAS BEEN DOING COCAINE PILLS AND SMOKES WEED! NOW LOOK AT HER? My grandson is also very protective of his mom. But she told him if he tells anyone that she left him there with the babies HE WILL NEVER SEE HIS GRANNIE AND POP AGAIN OR HER OR HIS DAD! THAT DCF WILL COME IN AND PUT THEM IN A HOME WITH SOMEONE THEY DONT KNOW! I TOLD MY GRANDSON I AM SORRY SHE TOLD YOU THAT BUT GRANNIE AND POP WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR BROTHERS! PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE? I am not trying to be stupid but what I am trying to say is do we talk to her or DCF and keep the kids with us? By the way 2 of my grandsons dad travels with his job and takes care of them financially above and beyond but isnt somebody you can talk sensibly to about this because of his anger issues.

[AshleyLaing]

I went through this exact Same thing with my nephews. I called cas. Childrens aid. They came here. Talked to the boys who told them mom and dad left them alone. Mom fed them one piece of bread a day. Mom hit them in the face wished they were dead and called them stupid. They came here to stay for a week and I found everything out. I called cas. They came and told me this is the 12 time they have been called about the boys. Both parents failed drug tests. Guess the hell what. Cas took the boys out of our 6 bedroom full fridge home and handed them back to mom dad living in a motel! I haven't seen them since. Maybe try to handle this on your own first. I would trust childrens aid with a cat! Still so angry with them. But I know exactly what your poor grand babies are feeling! Ill pray for all of you!

[10356]

Hi Magrat
I'm checking in to see how you are doing this evening and to reiterate what wannabrfree said Kim715 has been there is still there and would be able to give you great advice..
You are a wonderfully loving Grandmother and Mon It is obvious the love you have for your family. You are definitely doing the right thing by your Grand kids. Please let us know how things turn out and always know we are here to support you in whatever way we can.. My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours..Lesa

[seeksolice]

I wouldn't call DCF!! It might bite you. They just may take the kids from YOU when they shouldn't.

Don't fight fire with fire on this one. The best thing to do (IMO) is to talk to your daughter, let her know grandson told you this stuff and that the kids need a safe house for a while until they get their finances in order.

You daughter will not be able to do anything, because if they are using, and if she calls the police, they WILL conduct an investigation on the allegations. She doesnt want that- because they WOULD take her kids.

Definitely keep those kids. Talk to her and let her know you want to protect them. Good luck with this..

[Warrior052]

I am new on here....
My son is 17 and just got out of rehab two weeks ago.
I had no idea what all he was doing....except for smoking pot...
He was doing lots of pills and coke...I had no idea..
He came to me and asked for help after an explosive situation where he came home wanting to fight his father...( active alcoholic...& ex coke add.)
I look back over the years of living with my husband and what effect it had on my children....and wish to God I'd done something different.
TOUGH love is the hardest love of all!
My advice would be DO WHATEVER IT TAKES! to protect those children!
They will be scared for life if someone doesn't help them!  They will be doing it themselves at a very early age...MY son was smoking pot at 11....to escape the feelings of neglect he felt from his father ....( this is what's coming out in therapy)...it crushes me!
If you do confront her and she throws down....stand your ground!  I feel sure at first she will just show her butt and leave (without the kids) because her addiction WILL WIN over her love for them....at least that's what usually happens....( that's when you will KNOW she has an addiction...because she will leave them with your for at least a few days before you hear from her again about them)....I will pray for you and all of your family including her.  

[wannabefree330]

Hope today brings a little more sunshine your way in terms of emotional needs.  Kim has obviously gone through this and has so much great advice.  I think that if you decide to try the nice route make sure she can provide proof that she's getting clean and serious about it, not just enough to get the kids back.  We addicts know how to lie, cheat and steal in every situation so that's what i suspect she will do.  Unfortunately, the only advantage to having her kids for her right now, is the support money coming in.  When she realizes she won't get that, prepare for a battle.  This is just my opinion coming from the addict side.  Take care, and you are an amazing woman to have gone through everything you have and come out to be such a wonderful person!

[kim715]

I will look for you later and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.You've got the right idea looks like pappy is getting the early shift here too.The girls will be happy,pappy can be talked into anything by his little ladies,maybe chocolate cake for breakfast.LOL Hug your babies and get some rest.I know it hurts but we both know we gotta do what we gotta do to keep them safe.I would walk through fire for mine and I'm certain you would do the same.Stay strong,I'll talk with you soon. Peace.

[kim715]

We did it this way.First we approached it very calm although it was hard ,at least for me,knowing the things my grandaughter had told me.I just wanted to reach out and touch her,you know what I mean?We explained to her we knew she had a problem and that we wanted to help her,which is absolutely the truth.At first we just wanted to keep the kids and help her get into rehab and do what we needed to do to help put her family back together.We explained how the kids were suffering because of her addiction.At first that worked for a few days and I called around and had to beg and plead to get her a bed at an inpatient rehab.She is abusing crack and heroin.We tried to get in touch with her for 2 weeks,by that time the bed was gone.She never returned our messages that we left with her idiot friends.The next time we heard from her was about 3 1/2 weeks later and she called collect from the county jail ,she had been picked up for prostitution.She wanted money and we wouldn't give her any.At the time we didn't have it anyway.I had to leave my job to stay home with the girls.Thats when she tried to blackmail us and said if we wouldn't help her she was taking the kids back when she got out.So next we threatened her.We had alot of dirt on her.The things the 4 year old had told us,police reports,ads off of a website with her half naked picture on them solicitating men for sex.That held her off for a while,but eventually she called our bluff and we had no choice but to turn her in.I don't think it ever would have crossed her mind that we would really do it,but there was NO WAY she was getting these kids back in the condition she was and still is in.As far as the doctors and things go,see what route your going to have to take first.If you do have to go the DCF route,then  if it works where your at like it does here until there is a formal custody hearing,mostly this would pertain to the 2 younger children,the kids sort of become wards of DCF but DCF has allowed you to take temporary custody of them so you would have the proper paperwork to get them treated.As far as the older 2 go the father can sign over temporary custody to you and you can do that yourself just by drawing something up and going and having it notorized.Try being nice first and I know that won't be hard.I'm sure from your posts that you love your daughter and would love to help her get well,but if she pushes then you push back.You're absolutely right those babies need grannie and pop to protect them at all costs.

[magrat]

I thank you for everything and I will let you know what happens! Thank you for everything! God bless you! I will be back I have to get some sleep the boys have a birthday party at 1:00. I didnt realize what time it is! YIKES! I will check back! Again thank you so much!!!

[magrat]

Thank you so much for listening the guidance and definitely the prayers! God bless you! I will let you know what transpires. I guess i better go they got a birthday party to go to at 1:00. Pop gets the early shift today. I will have to sleep a couple hours LOL!  Again thank you!

[10356]

I will pray for you your husband your grand kids and your daughter You sound focused and be assured you are doing the right thing..Lesa

[magrat]

Do you think if I threaten her it will work? I am just thinking liability. Like bless their heart what if they had to go to the doc or got hurt? How would that work? Could I take them? Bless your heart you sure have gone thru it! My heart aches for you but the babies are safe. I always tell my grandbabies thats what grandparents are ANGELS TO WATCH OVER AND PROTECT! Now LOOK THEY SURE NEED GRANNIE AND POP NOW! Do you think I should try to just tell her first? I just dont want them going back for 1 blink of an eye in that lifestyle!!! I mean will it work or try it and if not call the police?

[magrat]

YOU BETTER BELIEVE I WILL EVERY LITTLE THING!

[magrat]

You know my father was an alcoholic and very abusive to my mother who died at the young age of 38 with cancer. We lived that same life of my grandchildren but my mother was always there. She wasnt addicted to nothing but GOD CHURCH AND HEAVEN and my DAD! She was always there but sometimes we didnt have anything but mustard and bread or rice. Come home from school 20 degrees , no POWER because the rent was due. She had nobody to help her and my grandpa was cap'n of police dept. We made it and she didnt! Ya know I PROMISED MY CHILDREN WOULD NEVER GO THRU THAT! OF WHICH THEY DIDNT! BUT NOW LOOK AT MY GRANDBABIES? I REFUSE TO ALLOW THEM TO GO THRU THAT!! You know my father today is such a beautiful person whi beat it all! And I thank God my mother always told us LOVE YOUR DAD HE IS THE ONLY ONE YOU WILL EVER HAVE and I have forgiven him! But I cant let my grandbabies go as long and as far thru this as I did growing up! VERY DIFFICULT AND NEGLECTFUL ON BOTH MY PARENTS! EVEN THO MY MOM DIDNT ABUSE ANYTHING SHE WAS JUST AS MUCH TO BLAME FOR ALLOWING US TO GO THRU THAT AS SMALL CHILDREN TIL i WAS 18 AND MOVED OUT!. I JUST CANT DO THAT BECAUSE I THINK I WOULD BE JUST AS BAD AS MY DAUGHTER AND HER BOYFRIEND YA KNOW? TURN THE OTHER CHEEK. IT TRULY HAS BEEN A BLESSING TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES GOING THRU SIMULAR THINGS. IT HELPS SEE THE WHOLE PIC AND NOT MAKE IRRATIONAL QUICK DECISIONS THAT YOU MAY REGRET LATER AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR ON THE RIGHT PATH! THANK YOU!

[kim715]

Well it sounds like if you are forced to go the DCF route you have a case against your daughter as well as the father of the 2 youngest ones,since he resides in the house with them and your grandson has witnessed his drug abuse.The fact that they have left a 10 year old to care for 3 younger siblings is a child endangerment charge so you have that going for you.It's good that you have a cordial relationship with the father of the older 2 and that he would let you keep them with you.It would help alot if you do have to make a report to have him on your side.Our granddaughters' father is a real a******,he will soon be going to court to face 11 felony counts related to drugs,but we made nice with him in order to get the necessary paperwork so that their mother couldn't come and get them.Right now my stepdaughter is in jail facing probation violations pertainning to drugs as well as prostitution.She hasn't seen or spoke to the kids ,well next month will be a year.There are 4 kids all together.The paternal grandparents have legal custody of the 2 older ones.In our case the father has temporary custody and he signed temporary custody over to us.We can't move any further in our case until she faces all her criminal charges then the courts say they will address our custody issue.My husband and I intend to do what the paternal grandparents did with the boys and go for full custody as soon as we can get the courts to hear our case.

[10356]

Kim715 is giving good advice from experience she may be able to help you a lot. I understand your fear and frustration. I would not confront her alone nor would I have the babies there Could you have one of your other daughters watch them when you confront her.. Also get hold of the friend that called you and have her write a statement.. As Kim said start writing all this down..

[magrat]

Well the sorry boyfriend is the father of 2 of them (1 &2) then her ex is the father of the 10 and 5 yr old which he is the one that keeps giving and giving and pays for all of them because the sorry one wont get a job!!! However he works out of town is at sea most of the time he goes 3 on and 3 off. He just left today and I cant even talk 2 him until he hits land or a area to call him. He knows his kids will do without if he doesnt do these things. But he gave her 150..today and they have no food? Well thats 10 pills. See I am seeing the full pic now and I start thinking of things and say Oh! I wondered or I remember she seemed different here or there thats how I approximated the time. He would sign power of atty over to me. We still get along with him. But we dont like hang out with him or invite him over you know we respected our daughter and realize he his our grandchildrens father.

[wannabefree330]

I am sorry you have to deal with this.  But you are a wonderful mom because you care.  Being an addict myself, i want you to know that although she may realize the kids are going without some things, she doesn't see how severe it really is.  She is in a sort of 'fog' if you will.  When using drugs I didn't see anything wrong with driving under the influence with my kids in the car.  Or spending money we didn't have to buy my prescriptions.  or all the time wasted that i could have spent with them.  I was just in a daze.  All she can think about right now is getting high.  I can guarantee that when she doesn't have any drugs and starts withdrawl she starts feeling all the guilt for neglecting her children and her whole world crashes down on her.  In order to get rid of this, she feels she HAS to use again.  Then she doesn't have to think about life.  It sounds like you have a very close, supportive family which she is going to need more than ever.  As far as the dad goes, well hopefully when DCFS shows up, he will be there and go to jail for a long time-which is better for the children anyway from the way he sounds.  

[magrat]

OH TRUST ME I WILL STAND MY GROUND AND I WANT BACK DOWN! I JUST AM SAYING I WOULDNT WANT HER 2 BRING ATTITUDE AND TRY TO GET VIOLENT! SHE HASNT BEEN A VIOLENT PERSON BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT COULD HAPPEN WITH HER ON DRUGS! WE HAVE ALWAYS HAD A BEAUTIFUL RELATIONSHIP! BUT IT WONT BE AFTER THIS UNTIL SHE IS HERSELF AGAIN! SHE ACTUALLY HAD 2 DCF CASES BEFORE BECAUSE OF HER INSANE NEIGHBORS IN THE PAST. BUT THAT WAS B4 ALL THIS. THE POLICE TOLD THE NEIGHBORS 1 MORE REPORT AND THEY GO 2 JAIL! DCF HAD NO PROBLEMS WITH HER BECAUSE IT WAS THE NEIGHBORS EVERYTHING WAS FINE AND THANK GOD THEY MOVED! I ALSO FOUND OUT THE BOYFRIEND IS ON PROBATION (FELONY) FOR THEFT! YOU KNOW WHAT IS SHE THINKING? hE IS ALSO UNFORTUNATELY THE DAD TO THE LAST 2 GRANDBABIES. HES JUST IN AND THEN OUT WHEN THE MONIES GONE!  

[wannabefree330]

Please know you did the very best you could in raising your children.  This is not the effect of anything you did or didn't do as she was growing up.  Addiction is a disease just like diabetes or heart failure.  Not anybody's fault.  I believe there is only fault on the addicts account when you know you have a problem and do nothing to change it. (would a diabetic not change their diet or take insulin to treat it?)  Do not ever blame yourself for your daughters choices.  You should be patting yourself on the back for being observant enough to recognize the situation and being the refuge for those kids in need.  I'm proud of you and i know you can stand up to your daughter in order to help her make the right choices.

[kim715]

My husband and I are in the same boat.We've been raising my stepdaughters 2 little girls for almost a year because of her drug addition.Our little ones are 2 and 4 and the final straw came when the 4 year old told us how the police pulled mommy over and made her take off her bra because thats where she had her pipe that she smokes drugs in.She had taken them out in the wee hours of the night to get crack and was smoking it in the car with them .The cop took the pipe and let her go.Told her to take her kids home and not to let him catch her around that area again.I could go on and on about the things we have found out from our granddaughter.DON'T SEND THEM BACK!!!!!!!!!!! Don't call DCF at first,but threaten to if you have to.Let her know what the ten year old told you and remind her that he is old enough to tell the same things to the DCF worker. If that doesn't scare her and she threatens to not let you keep the kids then call the police make the report and have them immediately call DCF and send a case worker out to you.It's always best to not get them involved if you can avoid it,trust me we've been there.I would think if you would have to resort to getting them involved the things your grandson has told you would be enough to warrant an investigation and at least buy you some temporary custody.I live in Pittsburgh and here if  CYF {thats what it is called here,Children,Youth,and Family} thinks there is enough to warrant an investigation and the parent is objecting to letting you keep the child,CYF can intervene and in most cases if the kids are with family members they will leave them there as long as they feel they are safe,and within 48 hours schedule an emergency shelter hearing.Which means within 48 hours you go to court,you find as many people as you can who have witnessed some of this behavior,family,friends,neighbors,and you take them with you to testify to it.The ten year old is old enough to speak and you get a copy of any police reports and take them with you.START WRITING EVERYTHING DOWN.Everything you know first hand,everything you have seen or heard,everything your grandson has told you.Thats soooooooooooooooo important I can't stress that enough.If it comes to this ,what do you think would be the fathers' position?

[magrat]

Thank you too! For your kindness! I just know when DCF steps in they will give me custody of the babies and they will be loved and cared for! But she will also know he told me because they will tell her! But at least I can still protect him because he will be with us!

[10356]

I agree with wannabefree call DCF it sounds as if you have talked till you are blue in the face and I also hope they would allow the kids to stay with you They usually  try to place them with immediate family.. It is true your daughter can change things around but the kids may not have the time as their living situation is so bad. Stay strong and do not back down...

[wannabefree330]

I think you're right in assuming more talk will do any good.  She knows she has a problem.  Unfortunately she needs the drugs more now than her children.  Priorities in addiction are very screwed up.  Remember YOU are the mother here.  If she brings attitude-give it right back to her.  Stand your ground and refuse to allow the children back home until she can prove she is making changes.  That includes losing the boyfriend and other people too.  It will be a long haul but those kids deserve it.  If she throws a fit and insists on taking the kids, call DCFS.  What is she going to do when asked about the drug use?  I doubt she will want to get them involved.  But, on the other hand, may just involve them anyway.  She is going to need some outside influence in order to STAY clean once she can overcome getting clean.  DCFS will require visits to the home and prob even drug tests.  And for the first little while, i'd insist on supervised visits and YOU should get the child support while the kids are with you.  Otherwise it will go to buying drugs and not to the children.  DCFS will ensure the money goes to the right place, as it should.

[magrat]

Thank you so much! It is very difficult when you feel like you are alone and dealing with something so devastating and sad as this! I just know deep in my heart I would never see the day I or anyone else let alone ME would have to call DCF on my own child! Especially when we thought we raised them up to be strong independent women. This is just like a nightmare. Or Ripleys believe it or not? I am just terrified for my grandchildren for 1 more day in the care of her and her boyfriend.