What do I do?

[finsfan4ever]

I had a plan to stop using this Thurs. I planned the time off with my wife, organized all the supplies, scheduled the off time with work. Felt very confident about being ready. Then yesterday, I woke up at midnight and decided I wanted to see how long I could go without one. Usually after 8 hours the aches etc... made me go and take one. I stayed busy, walked the beagles for 1 1/2 hrs last night before bed. About 5-6 miles. Took a tylenol pm and an old valium I had before I went to bed at 10pm.
I woke up this morning at six, and I made it without one! I am now approx. 28 hrs without.
I feel weird, my stomach is a little messed up.
Now I dont know what to do. The plan was Thurs. I could be off for 10 days and wife would be home because shes a teacher and school is out. The reason I didnt start this week was I had important meetings this week and wife had a class she COULD NOT MISS. Now that I'm 28 hrs in I want to keep going. Wife is a little upset, she has to go to her classes this week and I have to work till thurs. She said I made her feel guilty cause we had a plan, but now I kinda started and she feels guilty about having to leave me. I told her I would be ok and to please go to her classes. I dont know if I could make it thru my work on tues weds thurs anyway. Lotta rambling as usual, anybody got any ideas? Should I stick to the original plan or keep going now?

[kmo2626]

Stick to the plan! Don't go back. If this road takes you to miss a few meetings, so be it. It's never a good time. And, 28 hours is fantastic!!!! Proud of you for making the leap yourself. You can do this!

[newchapter523]

Well once again parellell lines. My wife had an all day meeting she could NOT miss on day 3 of my W/D. She felt terribly guilty but had to go. I survived. You will too. Make sure NO PILLS AROUND. I'm not sure what day she will be gone but I became very emotional on day 3 so get ready for some water works. I say DON'T GO BACK. You are already probably close to 1/2 way through the worst of it and you seem not bad. When is she leaving and try to post while she is gone. You will find strength from people here. GO FOR IT!!

[finsfan4ever]

I talked her into going. Before she left,I told her I was thinking of calling the boss and taking this week off instead of next week(when she could be home,she has classes all this week). I told her I tried going cold turkey yesterday as an experiment to see how bad/how far I could go. I dont think I ever thought I would make the 24 hrs. Im torn, maybe the junkie talking. On one hand im scared how I will be at work tomorrow without my "little friends", but on the other hand, it's been 28+hours and dont want to go back. If I took this week off instead of next week, I would be doing it on my own, next week she would be there. If I waited till next week I could get thru all the unbelieveablly important meetings,etc..I have scheduled for this week, and the timing seems like it would be much better....
No, I havent had any worse issues, stomach queazy, got some shakes, its the being alone part I think I fear the most. I still have my pills, cause the plan was to use till thurs. Part of me wants to choose next week and GO HUG MY BOTTLE OF PILLS!
Before she left,I told her that I was thinking of calling in now and to keep going. She got mad, said I was making her feel guilty, we had a plan. I told her I alone got me into this mess, and I should be able to get myself out. She left angry, saying now she would be worrying about me all day.
Is it the junkie talking when I say maybe I should just throttle back as much as I can and then stick with the original plan? This way I still get to use. But, alot of me wants to keep going now
Like you said, it's the laying around, alone part that is going to drive me crazy......
She was planning on gathering the rest of my "supplies" today on the way home, so I dont have EVERYTHING that was advised to get.
Wow, talk about lost and rambling huh?

[finsfan4ever]

Thank you for the kind words. I dont feel so fantastic. Im ashamed I let my family down by ever getting in this mess. I want to keep going, but cant miss the meetings. So either I use till thurs and go, or i dont use and TRY and go.....
Right now I feel like I could cope, but I'm scared as hell about tomorrow.
Also kinda afraid of not having my wife around if i decide to quit early...
I would be alone with my daughter for the week(wifes classes are mon-fri, 8a to 4p)
But it isnt like shes leaving the country.....
It's the junkie talking to me huh?

[cleaninitup]

I really wish I could give you the answer you are looking for but it i something you need to decide for yourself. At this point I would say just keep going. Your experiment to see how long you could go was also you wanting off of the pills as soon as you can. I would check out the thomas recipe on the health pages and stock up on what you may need, vitamins, gatorade ect.Just keep going-you will be fine if you do it alone,how old is your daughter? Best of Luck and best wishes H

[finsfan4ever]

It is wanting to be off the pills. I have gathered most of the thomas recipe stuff. Wife is getting the rest on the way home tonight. Daughter is 16. My BIGGEST FEAR is work on tues, weds, and thurs. I cannot get into what I do, but its sensitive. Not a doctor,cop,fireman sensitive but in a CLASSIFIED kind of way. This week is very very critical to alot of things.
Its why we chose thurs to stop. I could be off ten to twelve days and wife would be home too. BUT, I am 30+ hrs in and it would hurt to walk into my bdroom and eat a pill to get thru till thurs.
I KNOW I have to decide on my own, just torn......

[Devonlee]

Definitley wait and see you might feel decent enough that you can get through your work week. Positive attitude is a must and immodium so you dont have to run to the bathroom. Worse comes to worse you have the pills if you need to take one so no worries. You might surprise yourself (and your wife) and do just fine! Good luck.

[atthebeach]

good morning, you are doing great.eat bananas,get immodium. forge forward. you will be fine. push yourself. dont get stressed about the plan. now you have a new plan. you are already feeling so great about yourself that you have gone 30 hrs. thats something you havent done in a long time. deal with it minute by minute, hour by hour, try not to worry about tomorrow or wed. just take it as it comes. just keep busy at work, make sure you walk around, get some fresh air. ask the LORD to help you. be strong.i will pray for you.
debbie

[finsfan4ever]

debbie,
Thank you for the words of encouragement. Its hard not thinking about tomorrow. This is the most important three days coming up ever in my life. I cant imagine being clean tomorrow and directing the outcome(maybe of peoples lives) of some serious issues. Do you think I can do that being clean for a day?
I want to badly.
The funny/sad thing is I just had a thought that since I was able to stay clean for 30+ hours maybe I could just detox once in awhile and still use my script! NOW THATS A JUNKIE TALKING HUH?
I KNOW thats foolish, that Im an addict and need to be clean...
I got about 4 hours to decide, then I'm commited to work tomorrow, and will have to wait till thurs.

[gutsnglitter]

if it were me i know having them there in the house would be torture, if you do decide to keep going early then get rid of the pills! and you have to decide now or its going to mess you up.
thats my opinion, and how i would feel, but holly you are strong to do that i know i couldn't if there was pills still in the house

[atthebeach]

i meant try not to worry about how you will feel from not using. no it is perfectly understandable to be concerned about your work issues. that i get. if you make it through today without using then by tomorrow it will be 54 hrs. thats over 2 days. you might be just a little more uncomfortable then now.
yes that is the junkie (such an ugly word) seems so gutterish. well.... talking. no once you are in recovery remember 1 pill is too much and 1000 is never enough. it will spiral all over again. there are many on this site who think i can do one and within a month they are right back to where they were. did you make a counseling appt yet? you need to get going on that because of your prior addiction issues. it becomes very cyclical. the revolving door, merry go round. time to stop the madness and insanity once and for all. are you having any back pain?
debbie

[cleaninitup]

I just read your other thread so you wouldnt need to answer all the same questions again. Sounds like you are on the right track for being prepared for your detox ect. If you need to keep going until Thursday that is your decision and yours alone to make.Nobody on here will judge you for it,we are here to support and help.Best wishes
PS.I am a Pats fan :)

[finsfan4ever]

I will feel ashamed to come back here and say i decided to wait till thurs and have used. I am further in NOW than I thought I could be. Maybe knowing I wasnt really "quitting" till thurs helped. But I still havent decided. Thanks for telling me no one will judge me. It helped.
You are the 2nd Pats fan who has helped me, maybe I've been wrong all these years?   NAH!!!
At least I still have a sense of humor. Maybe a Jets fan would really test me?
I'm already sick about the stupid Heat!
Im sooooo glad I found this site, and all you people. This is truly GOD SENT!

[finsfan4ever]

debbie, no counselling appt yet.
And no pain from what got me started in the first place. YET
Again, I have a very sensitive job and am trying to figure out how to do that without being "exposed".
Im a mess huh?

[LeaAnn807]

Hi, maybe you could taper some before Thursday?  Might make it somewhat easier when you stop for good.  Either way, I know you can do it!  

[tigerlily11]

finsfan4ever, hi there! I am very extremely happy that you decided to just go for it. I just read you whole thread again and this is what I think, yes its the addict talking to telling you to wait for a better time to quit. I say this because my addict mind did that to me for years...well, I cant quit now because I have this important meeting, or my kids have a school function I have to go to or I just left my husband I need to get on my feet first or the dog is all alone lol or you know what I mean, my addict mind would have amillion reasons why I couldnt quit NOW, it would just have to be later....well here I am 10 years later, finally just had to decide There is NEVER going to be a "good" time to quit...you just have to do it!!!! I wish you the best of luck and am keeping you in my prayers...we are in this fight together and WE WILL WIN!!!!

[atthebeach]

no judgment here. who are we to judge? ok thurs it is. at least you know how you felt 30+
hrs. in not too bad, good. so you have an idea what to expect. so the plan did work after all. so thurs you flush? no going back after then right? have you already taken the 2 weeks off? a vacation sounds great. maybe you could get some martial counseling. i think we could all use that.my husband has been clean now 16 months and i am trying to fall back in love with him. after all his years of use. i have guarded my emotions and love so i didnt continue to get hurt. i still have trust issues. we see our pastor and council with him. you could try that and the medical insurance wouldnt even be involved so your job wouldnt even now. just a thought... see many times the pain is not even the problem anymore.  please only take what you need. try to wait and not use another for awhile. hey what about a giants fan giving you some grief?  well at this point the season is in jeopardy anyway unless they all get off their high horses. do you exercise on a regular basis? if not i would start that now and start eating as healthy as possible to build yourself up.
debbie

[finsfan4ever]

I think thurs is gonna be the plan. I still havent used, thought i would go thru the day/night and see how bad tomorrow is. This(blogging) is soooo helpful. I do walk the beagles every night for about an hour/4 miles. I dont know how tonights walk is gonna go. If I have to use I want to take the least possible till thurs.
The marriage is still great, THANK YOU GOD! Until I told her this weekend about the problem and my plan to stop she had no idea. I have money so buying extra was easy to hide. She would even see me hurting and suggest I go take one. The sex part is on and off. When I just took hydros I was fine in bed, but the roxys left me with no interest. I would actually pick a fight or tell her I hurt to bad to participate.
I like the Giants, until the Posey incident. I love Cody Ross and was sad to see him leave the Marlins. I rooted for them in the Series. But then I read all the blogs where all the fans thought Scott Cousins did it on purpose and it made me mad. I just didnt see him doing it on purpose.
Thanks for the help and the distraction. Still reeling from my Heat losing last night, but dont have the energy to care that much.
I have terrible eating habits,mainly from the pills. Oatmeal @ 4am then nothing till I get home from work at 5 or 6pm. I gotta change that...

[finsfan4ever]

I have stopped for the past 30+ hrs. The plan was to taper down till thurs then stop/flush.
If I decide to use again till thurs, I will try and get by on the minimum. I already proved to myself I can go more than a few hours without, so I think I can really use them sparingly till thurs.
It just makes me feel like a loser if I have to start back for these last few days.
I have that MAN mentality. By god if I decide something thats IT!
I had a coke/crack addiction 15 years ago, and while I got some help,this outpatient program, I just quit! I KNEW I had to. I was stealing from my folks, writing bad checks,etc....
BUT, I did learn the mental aspects of addiction when I was there. More than "stay sober and go to meetings". I still know them today.
I can't emphasize enough how "sensitive" my job is or I would say EFF IT and stay home the rest of the week. I cannot elaborate without getting into REAL trouble.
Sorry for the rambling AGAIN!

[finsfan4ever]

I am still trying to do without. My supplies are not going to be here until my wife gets home about 5pm. I have tylenol,b-100, nyquill,dayquill,ibprobhen, vit. c's. Stuff like that.
Any advice how to survive till 5?
Been drinking alot of water, and trying to stay busy, but thats it....
If you think I should just quit whining and MAN UP, then TELL ME THAT TOO! OK?

[atthebeach]

i thought you said earlier you did use, if not great. how do you feel? any stomach issues? you wife knew you had the script but didnt know how much you were actually doing?
gotcha ya. i was taling about giants football not baseball. no we are defintely ny team fans, giants,yankees. well you are surviving it is 1:15 already. eat something. drink some gatorade or juice. yes do change your eating, treat your body well. you need it for awhile. its the only one we get. living in florida when you go vacation do you go to the another beach or the mountains? we were in the keys in april. beautiful weather high 80's but no humidity yet. i lived in port orange south of daytona for a few yrs. my oldest son was born there. came back to where i was raised. jersey. now i live at the beach here. my kids always complain we got to florida twice a yr. they want to go to the mountains i dont like winter  or winter sports so i always opt for the beach. do want to travel out west again i like the mountains in the summer.

[cleaninitup]

Stop your whining and man up!!!!! just had to say it lol. You are doing fine and you will make it through-do not be embarrassed about having to uses till Thursday-just use sparingly-dont go on a binge for your last few days. Really try to taper it down. stay busy if you can-it hard to get the motivation  to get moving but find it. H Go Bruins!!!!! Gotta turn it around tonight boys!

[finsfan4ever]

No I still havent used. lol@ long explanation about S.F. giants....oops! I'm ok with the Giants,I gotta hate the Jets being in our division.
She knew about the script, would refill them. Didnt know about the extra roxys I was buying. She knows everything now. I feel weird. Thats about it. Some minor aches, more the mental stuff about work.
We love South Florida, live in Palm Beach. We adore the west coast, sannibel Island, etc, but we are drawn to the keys. Have lived here my whole life. While I have been literally everywhere on earth(no kidding), I think Islamorada is my favorite place in the world!
I kind of decided now was the time to detox and get free cause on July 21st, my daughter who won a full scholarship to a prestigious university in England(at 18!) will leave and I rented a house in Islamorada for the month. On the ocean, two story all glass,dock with a boat, all the amenities you could want.
I could only imagine going there still using. It will be like our second honeymoon, and it would suck. If I was just using the hydros I could fake my way thru it, but with the roxys my sex life is awful. I would pick a fight with her to avoid it on the weekends where I would really use alot more. Or lie and say I was in too much pain....
What an A**!
I like hiking but florida isnt reallly set up for it so I would like to go to the mountains with the dogs and try hiking someday...
Thanks for caring, and distracting me for awhile.