Aa
What is wrong with me
What is wrong with me? ive had a problem with pain pills half my life, getting them for my endometriosis, cysts, and fibroids. I have used them as prescribed at first, then started buying them off the streets, having to take tons just to feel " normal".
And getting them off the streets quickly lead to all kinds of opiates, and before I knew it I was crazy addicted to snorting roxy 30s.
During all these years, I have tried getting clean and have even stayed clean for a couple months here and there.
And now I'm trying to quit for good. I started trying November 10. I keep getting close to my 30 day mark, and I end up taking something. Today I took a Percocet 10.
I've been in therapy for quite a while and take 4 different meds for my depression PTSD and anxiety.
I just don't understand why I can't stay clean!!!! What is wrong with me????
And getting them off the streets quickly lead to all kinds of opiates, and before I knew it I was crazy addicted to snorting roxy 30s.
During all these years, I have tried getting clean and have even stayed clean for a couple months here and there.
And now I'm trying to quit for good. I started trying November 10. I keep getting close to my 30 day mark, and I end up taking something. Today I took a Percocet 10.
I've been in therapy for quite a while and take 4 different meds for my depression PTSD and anxiety.
I just don't understand why I can't stay clean!!!! What is wrong with me????
I'm happy to see that you sort of forgive me for my directness, but I am very, very worried about you. And what I wrote is my opinion and by no means gospel. It is my belief that there is no reason to use; taking meds because of a legit injury, following the directions and then tossing them when you really don't need them anymore IS NOT USING. But, self-medicating for any reason is using. That's my take on things. Right or wrong.
But bottom line, you have impressed me in the past. I got a lot of support from you and am thus a huge supporter of your efforts, but, as always, I have to call it like I see it. I want you to be well. I want you to be honest with yourself.
All the best,
K
But bottom line, you have impressed me in the past. I got a lot of support from you and am thus a huge supporter of your efforts, but, as always, I have to call it like I see it. I want you to be well. I want you to be honest with yourself.
All the best,
K
See everyone here is awesome! That's why I come back. And yes me and Kyle go back and I know he cares for me. But I also appreciate mnh and kimby and everyone that commented supporting me, understanding what I meant.
And mommymarie and domino Sara and rosy and vic know I love them and they are always there to support me with wisdom and love and support. Quite honestly I love everyone here, and I feel the love back. This is my only safe loving supportive lifeline I have. And it and the people here have never failed me. And I'm not the kind of person that takes offense easily, I'm the person trying my hardest to STAY sober, and I appreciate any and all feedback!
I really do want to quit. And I'm not going to let one setback throw me off. Yea, I messed up and took one perc but I'm back on the horse and don't plan on taking anymore.
I appreciate hip and self induced saying single moms are the strongest people, that's true! Plus I've been through alot and one good thing that's come from all that is strength!
bubulos,that was the most beautiful thing I've ever read and made me think a whole new way. Thank you so much for taking the time to post those, I loved it.
brokenspiritandsoul, I can totally relate to your post. I've been a single mom pretty much for 14 years too, that's how old my oldest is. I had one more relationship, 5 years, have my youngest that's just 4 from that. But he liked to beat me and I didn't like it, so I left. So he moved in with my cousin to get me back. And to answer your question yes, I believe in myself, mostly.
Vic, you always have the best advice and your post really rang true with me. I definitely need support and boundaries and moving would be great. I don't have any of this really...
And mommymarie and domino Sara and rosy and vic know I love them and they are always there to support me with wisdom and love and support. Quite honestly I love everyone here, and I feel the love back. This is my only safe loving supportive lifeline I have. And it and the people here have never failed me. And I'm not the kind of person that takes offense easily, I'm the person trying my hardest to STAY sober, and I appreciate any and all feedback!
I really do want to quit. And I'm not going to let one setback throw me off. Yea, I messed up and took one perc but I'm back on the horse and don't plan on taking anymore.
I appreciate hip and self induced saying single moms are the strongest people, that's true! Plus I've been through alot and one good thing that's come from all that is strength!
bubulos,that was the most beautiful thing I've ever read and made me think a whole new way. Thank you so much for taking the time to post those, I loved it.
brokenspiritandsoul, I can totally relate to your post. I've been a single mom pretty much for 14 years too, that's how old my oldest is. I had one more relationship, 5 years, have my youngest that's just 4 from that. But he liked to beat me and I didn't like it, so I left. So he moved in with my cousin to get me back. And to answer your question yes, I believe in myself, mostly.
Vic, you always have the best advice and your post really rang true with me. I definitely need support and boundaries and moving would be great. I don't have any of this really...
Bubble - glad you agree! Was prepared to get lashed for that one! Lol. I really believe Tiger can do this. She has proven it several times for the short haul. I just hope she believes in herself!
Tiger Girl..This is my 2 cents here. First you are living under alot of Stress and Drama..I have a friend who wants to go and get help for her drinking. I told her that she would have to clean up her house. Get all the BS and stress & drama that everybody brings over or stays there. I told her that I feel she would only drink for this reason or that reason if she does not make her house a Safe Place for her. Put notes up on the Door and say knock so I know who you are and what you are here for or what kind of BS are you going to put on me to make me Stressed out..Many of us used for different reasons. I can take each drug I have ever done in the last 40 years and come up with some "whys" during them times..Not once thinking of it as a emotional reason but for fun, or the party or everyone is doing it or I need to get this and that done so I need the etra push..Ha!! BS..I can take me Drinking days and know "why" in many different situations..Some for fun and going out dancing and so on, others due to pain or loss in my Life. When the shiit hits the fan and we find life a biitch then we think it will all be better if we could just take a "Happy Drug" or a big shot of Booze..This has been our patten for YEARS! (at least for me). I always got tired of it and could walk away with no side affects. When I got the first taste of opiates (for the same reason as you) that is when it went way out of control to using the Dones with the Adderall to get wired up..I had the Compulsive Behavior. I am just sharing this with you becasue I never thought anything was wrong because this helped me get all my work done at home and at work BS Again..BUT I think in your case it is just those meds are right up your nose. As long as the Brain knows they are there you are going to play that Pleasure Tape over & over again..The Midbrain (Survival) part knows they are there and wants to feel the Pleasure one more time. Nothing matters in Survival but this "One" Drug..Now you know your health and that you might have some other issues and major depression issue to want to escape from.
I personally wish & pray you could let go of all those meds you are still taking and give your Brain enough time to Heal & Balance out to do its own thing. I read many things about the Benzo..They are really suppose to be used for short term..Like if you had a big trauma happen in your Life. If they are used for a long period of time they can cause more Anxiety..I find this so true for my self (in the past) and others I know who uses these Meds.
If you could UP Your SUPPORT so you can Talk and Vent and bring those Skeletons out of the closet, I really think it would help. I would for sure have your parents get a lock box and lock these meds up and hide them..The Bad thing about that, is that Your Mind knows they are there. This is where re-directing your self so much is a life savior. This IS the Hardest thing we have to teach our self is NEW LIFE STYLES. How to live in our own SKIN. When you get down, depressed, happy or whatever you do that tricks you into that just "ONE"..Just give it a min or two and re-direct yourself to do something different.Then you will feel so proud of yourself..Just look at that Pill like Pure Poison..You would not take Rat Poison Right?? There is so much that you just have to experiment with so you will not want to use. It will be like playing a Game like Scrabble, Checkers, etc.,etc., until you find the one that works for you..It is learning to physic yourself out of it..Whatever it takes just keep looking and getting ALL the Support you can get..UP it big time..Go to both AA/NA, Church. Grieve counseling, becasue we do go through a Grieve cycle when we give up our so-called- best-friend..Hit it ALL. Everything so you can..Talk, Talk and Vent, Vent it all out. Talk to your Dr. too.. Mine is one of my Biggest Support..You can do it. I think when you move out of that house you will fell so much stress & drama just lift and you will be able to put of some safe Boundaries around you..Just keep trying if it takes 10000 times..You will get what is right and not keep stressing on what is wrong. I wish you the best..Just remember..A CHANGE IS GONNA DO US GOOD!!!
Bless
I personally wish & pray you could let go of all those meds you are still taking and give your Brain enough time to Heal & Balance out to do its own thing. I read many things about the Benzo..They are really suppose to be used for short term..Like if you had a big trauma happen in your Life. If they are used for a long period of time they can cause more Anxiety..I find this so true for my self (in the past) and others I know who uses these Meds.
If you could UP Your SUPPORT so you can Talk and Vent and bring those Skeletons out of the closet, I really think it would help. I would for sure have your parents get a lock box and lock these meds up and hide them..The Bad thing about that, is that Your Mind knows they are there. This is where re-directing your self so much is a life savior. This IS the Hardest thing we have to teach our self is NEW LIFE STYLES. How to live in our own SKIN. When you get down, depressed, happy or whatever you do that tricks you into that just "ONE"..Just give it a min or two and re-direct yourself to do something different.Then you will feel so proud of yourself..Just look at that Pill like Pure Poison..You would not take Rat Poison Right?? There is so much that you just have to experiment with so you will not want to use. It will be like playing a Game like Scrabble, Checkers, etc.,etc., until you find the one that works for you..It is learning to physic yourself out of it..Whatever it takes just keep looking and getting ALL the Support you can get..UP it big time..Go to both AA/NA, Church. Grieve counseling, becasue we do go through a Grieve cycle when we give up our so-called- best-friend..Hit it ALL. Everything so you can..Talk, Talk and Vent, Vent it all out. Talk to your Dr. too.. Mine is one of my Biggest Support..You can do it. I think when you move out of that house you will fell so much stress & drama just lift and you will be able to put of some safe Boundaries around you..Just keep trying if it takes 10000 times..You will get what is right and not keep stressing on what is wrong. I wish you the best..Just remember..A CHANGE IS GONNA DO US GOOD!!!
Bless
Brokenspirit- AMEN sister! I totally agree with you.
Ok...I know some will not like this or agree but I am putting it out there anyway!
I am 98 days clean today. I am a single mother of 2 and have been for 14 years. I agree that single mothers are very strong and we have to be. Did we choose to become an addict? No. Do we choose to continue to take pills after we know we are an addict? YES! Taking pills is always a choice! Even when in legitimate pain, it is a choice! Some people are allergic to all pain meds and take nothing when in pain. Therefore, I think it is an excuse when we choose to take a pill. I choose to not take them as I know I am an addict. I also know I am a single mother and my kids need me to be strong...they need me to put them first! If I reach a point in my life where pain pills are needed then they will be prescribed and will be given to me by a loved one who knows of my addiction. That is a safety measure that I put on myself!
Only you can answer the question of why. We all have different reasons of why we did what we did. I didn't succeed on my first attempt either. I had to cut ALL my sources, had to tell ALL my friends and family and had to start aftercare. It wasn't easy and has not been fun but I am clean and my kids have a mother that is worthy of them! You are going to have to look deep inside and figure out why. I believe you can do this. Do you believe in yourself?
I am 98 days clean today. I am a single mother of 2 and have been for 14 years. I agree that single mothers are very strong and we have to be. Did we choose to become an addict? No. Do we choose to continue to take pills after we know we are an addict? YES! Taking pills is always a choice! Even when in legitimate pain, it is a choice! Some people are allergic to all pain meds and take nothing when in pain. Therefore, I think it is an excuse when we choose to take a pill. I choose to not take them as I know I am an addict. I also know I am a single mother and my kids need me to be strong...they need me to put them first! If I reach a point in my life where pain pills are needed then they will be prescribed and will be given to me by a loved one who knows of my addiction. That is a safety measure that I put on myself!
Only you can answer the question of why. We all have different reasons of why we did what we did. I didn't succeed on my first attempt either. I had to cut ALL my sources, had to tell ALL my friends and family and had to start aftercare. It wasn't easy and has not been fun but I am clean and my kids have a mother that is worthy of them! You are going to have to look deep inside and figure out why. I believe you can do this. Do you believe in yourself?
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