How did this happen?

[studiogirl]

Well I am back again.  I havent been on here for a little under a month.  I am sorry to all the people I did not respond to that emailed to see if I was okay.  I tried so hard to taper off with the pills I had but failed miserably.  I have been taking much more for much longer than most of the people I read about on this forum.  I cant believe I have to go through this all again but it must be done.  I feel like my life is passing me by. All my firends are in relationships. having babies, or dating different men.  I have been in al ong term relationship with pills and now I find I have absolutely nothing else in my life but that.  When I think of all the years I have wasted, I could just scream.  I dont know how I am going to survive these withdrawals but I know it must be done. I cant waste another year. I want to be normal so bad.

[releaseme]

this is definitely one of the hardest habits to quit; I pray for strength and the ability to comment.  costing me too much money and beginning to steal for it. God help me to stop; Heaven help us all.  We can do it!!! just keep posting and let's keep each other encouraged.  I'm beginning to think about damage being done to my liver so if nothing else...let this be the greatest inspiration,

[road2recovery]

I agree with lifesaride...Use it to your advantage, if we all keep letting the past get us down, we probably would not make it to far...Guilt gets us all, but we must learn from it....It does make us stronger..
I am glad u are feeling more confident...u should, u can do this, your life is so worth it...We all want to see u in recovery, and i can tell u want it too...GO GET IT!!
I am rooting for you
r2r

[ladyboop]

I agree with Worried, It takes some of us longer than others. i am still trying, As long as we do not give up hope. It can be done.. Hang in there girl. Don't look back! Make plans for your new life...

   Lady

[worried878]

Taking off work was a good idea..the less stress the better...outpatient rehab sounds great and i wish we had that here..it take most more than one try to get clean...do not beat ur self..sounds like u have a plan..keep posting

[studiogirl]

thank you to everyone for your words of support.  You have helped to give me confidence and make me feel more powerful. I want so bad to be one of the success stories so I am going to try.  Thank God I got off work because my job is just so stressful, there was no way i could survive without this time.  I will keep posting and work as hard on my recovery as I have on my addiction.

[lifesaride]

you cant look back in disgust, we alll live and learn, think of all you have to look forward too after the pills, and w/d. use the past to fuel your drive to get clean. you can do it.Teddy

ps. I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!

[enemy48]

Okay, thanks for more info.  I had a habit for 6 years also.  Of all the times I quit......it really wasn't for longer than 6 days.  I always had the resources, so all I wanted was to feel normal again.

The hardest part is the actual w/d and detox.  People say that it's PAW'S also.  I don't disagree, but detox is still too fresh in my head, although 5 months ago.  Maybe it's because I read this forum so much and it's a reminder from the new people suffering.

You said that you didn't want to waste another year.  I want to say something.  Short of 4 days, I've been clean so far this year.  Has it been great?  No, sorry, not really because I'm having to rediscover myself.  So I don't consider this year wasted, but I can't consider it to be all that great either.  I'm clean, learning to re-live, then will take it from there.  

Want to join me?

[GoingToMakeIt]

I was so glad to see theeagle post. How true! You can do this. It requires a mindset to do this no matter what. Let nothing get in the way of your sobriety, nothing! It is your life. You can take it back. I even got mad at the drugs for doing what they do to us. (I am not shucking my own responsibility) these drugs showed you no mercy, right? Now it is time to show them. You can do this. Hey if a 58 and a 53 year old men can do this....

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

Studiogirl I am 58 years old and have done some kind of dope forever with narcotic pills my latest 20 year stint (after heroin and coke)  - - - never say never.......I did it.....almost a year now....daily doses that would kill a normal person and that put me in the ER on life support twice before I got smarter.......this thing you can do - - keep posting for support and do it!

[road2recovery]

DO NOT sell yourself short...You do have the strength...Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom, or just have ENOUGH of living that way...And u sound like you are there...That is good...It is great that you have a week off, and that you are talking to someone to help you....If you can't afford inpatient, u can still do this...I was taking the same amount as you...It will not be fun, but the rewards are great after...This time think of why you relapsed....my advice to you is aftercare of some sort....
Tapering is hard, and i never could do a good job of it...But if you can, cut all 30 in halves...and u can do somewhat of a taper with that, it may not be a great one, but may help...Sometimes tapering just makes in a long painfull ride...If so then just take advantage of that week off and GO FOR IT...We will be here to help you through it...It sounds like u have no kids...SO if not, that is a plus...
not having a tub is tough, but get some heating pads, and wrap those around your calves..My worst symtom was RLS....
YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!  
r2r

[studiogirl]

I relapsed in December so it has been 7 months.  Before that I was doing them on and off for 6 years.  I got next week off work so I think that will help.  My plan is to jsut deal with it all and join an intensive outpatient program here in Vegas.  I have been in touch with the director of one who is very nice. She thinks I need to go into a detox place but I just dont have the money for that.
CT is scary for me but it seems the only option.  The worst for me is the sleep.  I dont have a bathtub so I cant take hot baths and my legs twitch like hell whenever I quit. I hate that feeling more than anything.  RIght now, I have thirty 10 mg pills left.  It isnt going to be much of a taper but there has got to be something I can do with them in order to ease the withdrawals.  I jsut keep telling myself it is better than nothing and to use them to get better but it all feels so horrible and painful.  I wish I had the strength of so many of the people on here who just DO IT. Oh well, thank you for caring and posting back to me,

[enemy48]

Hey Sugar,

I'm not sure if you did pills longer than I did, but I do know about all of my failed attempts to taper.  I'm just not strong enough.

Is C/T to scary for you?  I don't know your amount & term, but I did it 5 months ago.  There didn't seem to be much difference between that and tapering, because taper was torture also.  I'm weak!

So what's your next plan?