Why am I such an idiot??!!

[DogLover723]

Tomorrow I will have 8 days clean. I was on a relatively low dose of vicodin compared to a lot of you (10-12 a day).
  I made it through the withdrawals, I am still going through some of the mental stuff but I thought I was doing really good.  I got a check today that I have been waiting for for a long time. I paid off my back rent and in a burst of energy I started and finished all of my holiday shopping this morning! I was so proud of myself for doing that.
  Unfortunately, I had some money left over after my shopping. I went to my connection and bought 20 pills.  WHY????  I was doing so good and I honestly don't know why I did it. I want to take some of these really bad.  I am so stupid, I'm even telling myself that since it's been a little while since I have taken any that I will get a good high off them.  I haven't taken any of them yet..I want to so, so bad. They are sitting on my nightstand calling to me.  Has anybody else ever done this???
   I don't know what to do. I feel like such an idiot.  Thanks for any advice or encouragement...I really need it right now.

[laurel453]

if you invite me next weekend i can even go (  even if  i'm in spain .. ) .

great for you, doglover. Now,   you stop punishing  yourself for buying them, pls, and go on living & feeling much stronger, ok ?  :)

another win,   Fear 0   you 1.....great !

good luck to bth of you, doglover and whatamistk.

[K Todd]

LOL....yeah Concord, California is just a little bit of a drive for me (-:

The thought was nice, free movies and the jaquzzi...well you cant beat that...

I Hope your enjoying your movies, as well as your grandparents stay tomorrow...you definitly deserve it, in doing what you did today!

Love,
Todd

[owhatamistake]

It IS too bad we don't live close.  We definitely would watch movies and soak!  I also usually love my time alone!.....but this isn't exactly a good time for that I guess. Ugh....

I'm happy that your granddaughter is coming over....that'll take your mind off those devil drugs!  I hope (and know) you'll have a great day with that baby and all will be well.  You've done so good....don't loose what you've earned. :-)

[DogLover723]

I rented a couple of comedies myself. Too bad you don't live close, we could watch movies and have a soak in the hot tub!   I usually love my time alone.
I am glad my granddaughter is coming over tomorrow. I need me some baby love.

[K Todd]

Great Post...and Praise God...you got the strength and motivation..to make the most importanat descision in your life, on Day 7...

You flushed em all down and got riid of them! Beleive me I know from past experience, how hard that is...and I am proud of you..

Now your off to Day 8, and also remember to learn from this. Just as many readers have learned of different phases, or cravings that will come our way during our withdrawls!

I hope you have the best Day 8, drug free life that you have had yet!
God Bless you,
Love,
Todd

[owhatamistake]

I'm tapering and feeling bad and I'm alone too this week end.  However, I flat REFUSE to take more than I'm allowed.  It's not so easy being alone right now, but I CAN and WILL do it...and so can you!  I rented some movies that I'll probably have to pause a million times so I can walk around the house...I'm so anxious and uneasy!  You really must get your mind off of the pills....as hard as that is.  What you did was SO smart and brave!  Be strong!.....you did GOOD and you'll be fine.

[DogLover723]

Sorry I meant to say that I'm 'not' liking it this much this time.  I wish I had gone with him. He's a truck driver, we live in the San Francisco area and he goes on jobs to the L.A. area, Arizona and a few other places. I sometimes go with him on the short 2-3 day jobs. My friend keeps my Chihuahua ,and my true love, my Border Collie and I go with him.  I feel so lonely and isolated right now. I really wish I had gone with him.
    Sorry to keep rambling, I am just trying to keep busy. Thanks.  I might go out to the back porch and jump in the hot tub for a little bit. I need to try to relax.

[DogLover723]

I can't express how much you have all helped me today. Your kindness makes me want to do this even more.

   I just dont understand why I am so mad at myself for flushing the pills. One minute I am telling myself that I did a great thing by flushing, a minute later I am letting loose with a string of swear words for being so stupid for flushing them. I just don't get it.
I'm all alone here too, I don't think that's helping much, My husband is out of town for work so it's just me, the dogs and the cats.  I usually like my days alone when he goes out of town, but I'm liking it much this time.

[worried878]

such a great post.....and so glad u got rid of those puppies..u r moving forward and what u did hapens to most but most woulda took em...u r stronger than u think..u got this...it is upstairs now and u have proven who is boss...YOU!...wonderful and so inspiring to read how u asked for help and people came to help u..it is so easy to forget the reasons we quit...to forget how we felt such a short time ago...made my night!

[owhatamistake]

Wow....how smart and brave of you!  Way to go!  I am tapering on Vicodin right now.  It's the second day.  I'm down one whole pill today and feel like that is a big accomplishment for me!  I'm going to keep on cutting out a pill a day if possible.  I am amazed and so encouraged by what you did!  It really blows me away!  I hope I can get to that place soon!  Really...WAY TO GO!

[JNT70]

Good for you, I went through the same thing a week ago and also flushed them.  It will make you 10 times stronger!!!

What a huge step you just made!!!

Great job.

[sadinmichigan]

I am so happy for you..that is the best thing you could have done. Enjoy your day tomarrow with your granddaughter..

[corey411]

That panicky feeling will go away. It's your addict being traumatized. You will see this alot clearer and clearer and know that you made a great decision. You have a good evening. Wakling your dog was a great idea.

[DogLover723]

I think this is a sign that I did the right thing....2 minutes ago, my daughter called and asked if I would watch Alyssa ( my Granddaughter) for the day tomorrow while she and my son-in-law go into San Francisco for the day!!!   I am thrilled, I love having the baby here! I feel good right now!
   THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[DogLover723]

I flushed them.
   Yes Corey my Grand-daughter got tons of presents. I only have the one grandbaby.

     I first flushed all but 5, a few minutes later I flushed 2 more and after much crying and arguing with myself, I flushed the rest. I instantly got a panicky feeling and was so mad that I had flushed them, I wanted them back so bad, but I did it. I feel wrung out right now.
    I think if it wasn't for you all, I would have taken them. I think I actually came here hoping somebody would talk me out of it. You kindness, compassion and empathy for a stranger has overwhelmed me. Thank you all so very much.
   I need to get the he** out of the house, I'm going to take my dogs for a walk.
      I will come back in a short while. Thank you all.

[kim715]

Thats great!!!!!!!! I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! That little grandbaby has a strong loving grandma,you should be so proud of yourself.I have 3 beautiful granddaughters that were and are my saving grace.They have no idea just how much strength they give me.I'm holding one of the little beauties right now and I' m crying happy tears for you because I know just what you mean when you say they deserve better,just know that by doing what you've done these past days and what you did today,you are giving her the grandma she deserves..Congrats my friend.

[corey411]

HALILUYA!! I'm so proud of you. I hope you feel proud and powerful. That was soooo hard to do. I know it. GBU, Corey

[corey411]

Your not a loser.It's very hard to get the grip of this addiction out of your skin. I do not want you to feel horrible about yourself. I just want to take sides with the voice on the angle side of your shoulder. Try your best to flush them please. If it's too late for that then flush the rest and think af all of the good things....your grandchildren. your family, how good you did paying your bills and shopping today. Bet you got the grandkids toys. Addiction will catch you unaware. It's blindsided me many times when I felt really good. The more clean time you have the better it gets. You will feel normal again. Gather all of your strength and fight those little pills. You CAN win.

[DogLover723]

They are gone.

[DogLover723]

Corey, there were many reasons I wanted to quit.  I am having my 3rd major spinal surgey next year I was hopng that If I could get off the opiates now, I would be less reliant on then after my surgery. Money was another reason, for the first time ever, I was short on my rent this month because I bought too many pills.  If I hadn't decided to quit, the check that I got yesterday would have gone to buying pills instead of holiday shopping for my family.  My health is another reason, I'm wasting away because I don't eat when I am using. My Dr has ordered me to gain 15 pounds. My beautiful 3 month old grand-daughter is another reason, that angel deserves better than a loser addict for a grandma.
   So in light of all those reasons, you would think that I would have never even bought them in the first place.  I don't know why this is so hard. I feel like such a loser.

[corey411]

I agree Kim. I lost my soul, my confidence, my self respect and had so many occasions I could not enjoy my family and grandkids bc I was dopesick. I had to try to ration pills around my vacations and all holidays and special events. Every time I relapse it's worse and worse. I could go on and on. & years of my life have been robbed.

Did you flush them yet?

[kim715]

Thats a great idea corey.I know I wanted to quit because I didn't have a life anymore.Nothing else mattered to me but getting pills,that took priority over everything,my family,my job,my friends.I couldn't function without them.A simple trip to the grocery store required so much effort because of all the time and not to mention money it took,just to have enough pills to do my weekly shopping.Now without them I just get up everyday and live my life,like normal people.I don't need a pill to get me out of bed everyday,and I have a lot more money to spend on the important things now.No more trying to budget in a drug habit.Life is so much more free.

[sadinmichigan]

Oh Honey....FLUSH them NOW..don't think about it..Just do it..the longer you have the in your possesion it will just be a matter of time before you take them and most likely end right back to square 1..remember why you stopped in the first place..please.you are doing so good and those pills are not going to add to any happiness in your life..they will do nothing but bring you down..down ..down down..you will feel so much better having gotten rid of them..you will never have the buzz that you once felt on them ..but if you take them you will just add to your guilt ..please go and flush them now..there is a reasonthat you told us you had them..and I believe it's because you really do NOT want them...

[corey411]

Tell us the reasons you wanted to quit.