Please help! Mother of 4 tying to quit hydrocodone

[needhelp4ecacpm]

I have struggled with vicodin addiction in the past and overcame it once before. When I met my husband and step-children, I felt I finally had a reason to get clean and I did. We had a son of our own and it was shortly after that that my addiction found me again. I was prescribed vicodin for my c-section and it was like I was reunited with an old friend. That was just a little over 1 year ago. Since then, my addiction has gotten worse than it's ever been.

I have been hiding my severe addiction from all of my loved ones, including my husband, which makes me feel so guilty. He's aware of my past issues but it would break his great if he knew this now. I work full time and am the bread winner in the household. I pay all of the bills and handle all of the finances so I've been able to hide the fact that I've been spending a terrible amount of money on my addiction. I currently take approximately 30 750/7.5mg or 325/10mg per day, depending on what I have available. None of them are prescribed to me so I've been spending a lot of money to support my addiction. My addiction was made worse within the last month or so with a hospital stay in which I had IV dilaudid available to me every 2 hours, which only increased my tolerance when I got home. So even with my 30/day habit, I rarely have a buzz.

I've also resorted to stealing pain pills from friends and family who genuinely need it. I've lied to people and done things I never thought I would do. My mother was an alcoholic and I remember how it affected my childhood so badly and I SWORE I'd never be like her yet here I am.

I want my life back. I want control back. I want to stop wasting my money. I want to remember how it feels to feel and not be constantly numb. I want to love my husband and children the way they deserve to be loved. I know I need to quit and I'm terrified of everything.

I guess I'm looking for advice and support. How should I proceed? What should I do? Should I try to taper off? I don't know if I have the will power to ration my pills. When they're there, I have to take them. I need to proceed with my life thru this. There are too many people counting on me to be totally down and out with withdrawals or in a facility somewhere. I need some answers and people with familiar experiences.

Thank you in advance for your help.

[hydro_fool]

I sent you a message with a guideline to help you out.

[needhelp4ecacpm]

Thank you all for positive feedback. It is nice to be able to open up and not be criticized for what I have done. @ Kyle, wow, what a harsh truth to come to grips with but how true? I try to fool myself that my children and my family come first in my life when in all actuality it is my addiction... counting my stash, keeping tabs on the bank accounts and money to be able to afford my pills and my bills, figuring out which dealer will be on so I don't have to be without, and if they're not on, who's got them so I can steal some - and all this goes on while I'm trying to enjoy the company of my family - but that's no way to enjoy them!

I mentioned I was able to quit before but my addiction was not as severe as it is now. It was still pretty bad, maybe 10-15 7.5/750mg or 10/325mg per day, depending on what I could get ahold of. Last time I actually decided to adopt a healthy lifestyle and not only quit the pills but also start working out and eating well, too. I was able to lose myself and let out all the negative feelings that were driving me to pills in my workouts. My depression and anxiety lessened and I felt great without the pills! And fortunately I have a similar opportunity coming up I've joined a motivational group for support with eating right and working out. Unfortunately, I can't expect to seriously participate until I've battled thru some of these withdrawals.

I think I'm going to taper off. Does that seem like the best approach? I currently take approximately 30 per day (7.5/750mg or 10/325mg, depending on what I can get ahold of). What is the best method for tapering off this amount?

Also, as much as it hurts me not to because I know he'd be a huge support (after getting REALLY angry first), I have not told my husband. However, I have told my 2 best friends in the world. Neither of them are into pills so they are a safe haven for me. They are both willing to fully support me in whatever I need for now. They have both also suggested I tell my husband, but I've told them no.

Two of my "dealers" are actually very understanding friends. I always came to them for pills because I knew they had them and they needed money - they were never pushers. They have both been alerted and are willing to support me in this. The third dealer is ruthless. I think about her and wonder what she's on that she goes thru my money so quick and even asks to borrow money up front. We all have our demons and I'm not one to judge but she is going to be the hardest to drop. I know she's going to throw all sorts of fits when she realizes I am not buying anymore. She doesn't care about my health and well being - she never has. I'm going to have to be strong enough not to answer her calls and texts.

Thanks again for all of your help and support in advance. And I appreciate you all speaking the TRUTH - the truth sure can hurt but sometimes its that hurt that makes you realize you need to make a change!

[aliviasmom360]

I feel your pain. I to am trying to beat this addiction. I am 3 days without and all was well until today, the fatigue and lack of motivation has definitely kicked in for me and I keep thinking a half of one wouldn't hurt, wouldn't set me back so instead I got on here and read your story and I still want a pill but I definitely don't want to end up taking thirty a day, I couldn't afford it. When will this end? I wish I knew. I have a 19 month old daughter and I want energy and motivation to play with her and that makes the urge even stronger. I know I can do this the question is do I want to. I was only taking four 10/325 norco a day so my addiction wasn't as elevated but I've been doing that for the last four years so its definitely a habit. I admire my husband who can take them or leave them I wish I had that kind of strength but I'm weak and that's ok just means I have to fight harder and so do you. I always think what am I going to say to my daughter on my death bed after I've burned my liver up on pills and see the pity in her eyes the same pity I had for my own father and that helps me want to break this addiction. I don't know that I will but I hope and I have hope for you as well. Tell your husband he will be your biggest ally he may be upset at first but if marriage means anything to him he will stay by your side. Number one don't be afraid, this addiction seems to feed on it.

[ricart70]

Sorry you are going through this. What did you do to quit the last time when you were successful ?
Was there a certain method that you used ?  I would use that method that worked for you the last time if you can.  Right now you are at a point where
You need to get clean before you can worry about staying clean.
You may have to try something new to keep from relapsing again after you get clean this time but right now you have enough on your plate.
    Keep posting. Lots of genuine support here and also plenty of tricks to make detox easier.

[kyle505]

My story is very, very similar to yours...Lies, stealing - anything to get meds. But 17 months ago I stopped; after 15 years of using I stopped. This is what I did.
First, I cut all sources. I told my doc, pharmacy, dentist, etc., that I am an addict and needed to be red flagged as such. If you are going to a dealer, then you need to delete all the phone numbers; if they call tell them that you are no longer interested. If they continue to call threaten the police.
Next (this is the hardest but MOST important) tell your secret. Your family, close friends. If you don't, you will relapse behind your secret. I have a wife and three kids. I am the father, provider. I take care of problems and am there when others need me. Not so. For 15 years everything and everybody were second to my pills. So, I told them that I'm an addict; the guilt, the shame. But now they are a very important part of my support; I couldn't do this without them.
Finally, get aftercare. This site is great, but it is no substitute for NA meetings.
If you leave any of the steps out you will relapse.
K

[OpenMind24hours]

Congratulations on wanting your life back. Stopping is doable for you. 200mg a day is quite an amount to stop all at once. That's also quite an amount of tylenol to be hitting your liver with every day. I think you're making a wise and timley decision.  As addicts we can't control the use of drugs. You're correct when it comes to a taper. Hydro 7.5 is my drug of choice also, and once I start, if I have more I take more. More is the key word here. We're addicted to more, but it gets to a point where we just want get normal, the buzz is long gone. We're chasing a mirage, and using more and more to get nowhere.

I went cold turkey, but from a much smaller amount. We have ppl on here that have experience coming off of larger amounts. They will be posting suggestions soon. I just wanted you to know that your story is typical... "one is too many and 1000 is not enough". Now is the time to turn your life around. You'll get to a point where you'll no longer regret the past, and you'll experience peace and serenity. You can do this! I wish you the best on your journey. No matter how it plays out, it will be a positiven your life. Again, congratulations on posting what you posted today. You're on the way to freedom.

[Gretta96]

If you can, I would definitely try to taper.   With taking that much, going CT is going to be difficult.  Make a taper plan, write it out and stick to it.
The other members here will have better advice.
I was only taking at the most 5 5/325 a day, so the physical withdrawals were minimal, but the psychological was definitely there.  
Believe in yourself, you can, and will do this.