I flushed pills for the 1st time today.

[endthecyclenow2029]

Hi everybody.  I am an addict.  It all started 18 months ago when I began taking and then eventually abusing percocet 10/325.   I've been battling the quitting cycle for 13 months.  I've been thru the withdrawals numerous times.  I nearly ruinied my marriage because of it.  And I couldn't stop.  But today, something happened.  Today, for the first time, I FLUSHED pills.  9 days ago was just another time I told myself I was done.  I had finished my meds and told myself "never again."  Until i came across about 20 I had stashed away at some previous point in my attic.  So I took a few yesterday and felt terrible.  Full of anxiety.  Just terrible.  Not that rush I would always feel in the past.  I took a few more just wanting to sleep because I'm barely sleeping after stopping last week.  I still slept only 3 hours last night.  So out of habit, I woke up this morning and took one of what I had remaining. Only to make me feel worse.  After pacing and arguing with myself, I just flushed 12 pills down the toilet.  I have NEVER done that before.
I am really hoping and praying that this is a turning point for me.  Maybe I truly won't want to touch another one of those monsters again.  I was doing great until I found those yesterday.  Not sleeping, but doing well.  HERE.  Not in some fog.  Playing with my kids.  ALIVE.
I am very scared the 8 i did take will send me back into w/d's again.  
I  know the road is long.  I do know it's a lifelong battle.  I do know it gets easier.

I guess this was just another step towards the right and I have to stay on this right road.
I hate myself for messing my up life like this.  I get it, i'm sick.  But i DON'T want to be.
I want to rewind 18 months.  I want to feel human again.  I want to sleep again.  I am tired of the sweats, the chills, the insomnia.  

I just wanted to post and know there's hope.  

[gnarly_1]

congrats on the flush it takes some guts sometime to do it when I quit methadone took my last dose I had like 790mg saved up I tapered myself off I bet I sat in frount of the toylet for 1/2hr before I pored my lifeline down the drain it was tarafing on one hand but very freeing on the other that was a little over 2yr ago and I still remember it don yourself a favor and stack the cards in your favor and get help both N/A and A/A are free and the 12 step programs work if you work them if not that hook up with a conslor or tharapist the pills are just a symptom of a much biger problem the pills are are excape from that problem time to ressel the demons out of your head and end your addiction.......Gnarly

[paleflower]

Don't feel bad, flushing those pills mean you are strong enough to do this. I'm on day 6 and this forum has helped me a lot and it can help you too, we are human, we make mistakes and we learn. God bless....

[Ann2497]

Flushing is very hard.  You need to give yourself credit for that!  Welcome to the forum.  You need to give yourself credit for your 8 days clean.

[jlannaa]

congrats on flushing it is super hard and you did great when i stopped i even told my boyfriend to get rid of some liquid pain meds we had around the house  from when my 19 month old had her surgery i couldnt trust myself in a weak moment ,you can't get those 8 days back but you can get 8 more than 8 more than 8 more and just keep going ,good luck you did the right thing :) it gets better !

[endthecyclenow2029]

Thank you.  I'm sitting here sobbing because I feel like I wasted the previous 8 clean days before yesterday.  I was doing SO well.  I hate this lifestyle.  

[tomskat]

Hi there and a huge congratulations!!! It takes a lot of strength to do what you've done-flushing pills,admitting you're an addict, and posting. Your post will bring a lot of hope to those out there struggling.Stay strong and remember you can win this!! Always remember that sick feeling when you took them-do you really want to feel that way ever again?Nope,you want to be alive and you will be! Stay strong and congrats to you!!