how did i get here

[intoodeepleigh]

i am new to the forum but i have been lurking for a long, long time.  i dont know how my life has ended up here. please, please, please someone help me.  Please let me know it can be done, please let me know that there is life after these d**** pills.  I don't think i have ever read about anyone taking as much as i have been for as long a time. When I do try to taper or quit the depression is relentless......relentless...and I feel like I am going crazy.  I just want control of my life back.  Please, someone.  I am crying writing this because the pain I have brought on myself.  I think about the days when I didn't worry and I was happy, really happy.  Now I know I will never be happy like that again.  I am so ready to start putting the peices back but I can't seem to start.  I can't stand the fatigue and the depression, the goosebumps and sneezing.  It makes me want to cry just thinking about it.  Where do I start - for me the withdrawals are so much more mental than physical at times and when they are combined its the worst.  I have many people that love and support me but I can't turn to them, I can't hurt them that much over a problem I created.  Will someone please at least ell me it will be ok?  Do the amino acis really really work?   I can't take antidepressants - they justgive me such awful sideeffects.  Please help me, all of you seem so kind and nonjudgemental - thankyou all for helping me at times you didn't even know you were.

[irishlass700]

I just wanted to let you know I know exactly how you feel.  I first started using pain pills 5 years ago when I had an emergency c-section.  It started out for the pain then of course I liked feeling "happy" all the time, that's what I called them "Happy Pills".  Anyway, about 3 years ago I started using Norco and Vicodin everyday, I would take 30-40 pills depending on the strength.  I am tired of the monster it has turned me into, I am a crappy wife who is totally mean to my husband and I am not being the "mom" I was and should be to my 4 daughters.  I have been "doctor shopping" and it is a miracle that I am not in jail.  I don't even get high anymore it's just out of habit and so I don't feel like **** as I am sure you can relate.  Last week I decided to try suboxone and I am on it now for the last 4 days.  I have to say it has helped tremendously with the withdrawals, the only thing is that it gives me severe headaches and it feels like I am very hyper which I hate that feeling.  Aside from that I have no withdrawal symptoms, but, I have read that you can get addicted to it so I am only going to  stay on it for 1-2 weeks just until I am completely over the pill withdrawals because that has always been the hardest for  me.  I know that when you are truly sick of taking pills and are ready to say ENOUGH you will it is tough but I know I can get through this and beat it's ***.  I completely relate to you about feeling like you are going crazy,  The withdrawal from pain pills is horrendous, I hate when you feel like your skin is literally crawling and you can't sit still, can't sleep, pissed off all the time, mood swings, hot and cold chills, headaches,  and the overall of wishing you would die to end the misery.  But, I as well as you have to believe in yourself and dig down deep and get through it second by second.  I wish you all the best and hang in there, I know it's easier said than done believe me I know. Take care.

[intoodeepleigh]

thanks for all your support.  I take as much oxy as i can get my hands on everyday along with any other opiate that comes into play so it varies daily but usually up to 4 (80's) a day and other things I find.  I just recently stopped taking methdaone after being on it as well (surprised I haven't od'd)  and I had withdrawals even while I was on the oxys!  I cut ties with that part of my life and I never want to look at one again and I am feeling good and then I think about how much other stuff im on and how bad I feel when its not there and I am unbelievably depressed again.  I want to do this, its ruining my life. Thank you for the comments, I cried reading them I appreciated all you had to say so much and you took the time to  write and you don't even know me.

[worried878]

a week of feeling flu-ish, but is well worth it...many addicts are so, so afraid of huting and feeling bad..so we make it go away..we are escape artists...that is not life..learning to face life like the rest of society is a hard thing to learn and takes time...we r built in brain contollers and think we can control life itself...sad realization is that we can not control life..it will bite us and make us feel human whether we like it or not..and the pills r our crutch...do they make life turn out  right the  way we want it to
I think that realization is what makes people stop...i am doing no life changing measures and i am broke..my friends isolated from me..may famliy as well...but i was in CONTROL  LOL..tis a myth we must come to terms with? NO...so severley opposite than what we want..searching for happiness in a bottle..the bottle controls us til we let go

[dominosarah]

I lurked on this site for awhile before i came on and decided when i went ct the wd's were gonna suk and they did but i knew i had to go thru them to get to the other side.  You dont have to be a prisoner to these pills anymore.......i am much happier now than i ever have been.  I have dealt with alot of issues, feelings all of that to get where i am today.  I am work in progress and that is okay.  There is a life out here waiting for you and you have the key to unlock the chains.          sara

[newmanagment]

is the moderator posed to use the word biotch??!! LMAO
but to the poster---- life is what you make of it, or at least that is what i believe.
you mention that you will never be "happy like that again", and i feel ya on that one. but the fact is, we can be happy "like that", and in some cases even happier. when ya do finally decide to detox, its really gonna suk ***, i ain gonna lie to ya. you can use all the fine people here that went thru pill detox to help you with the thomas recipe, but the sad fact is its gonna suk!! but ya know wut, it cant possibly suk any worse then the way you feel right now. and once you go thru them, and start to get totally clean, you will appreciate the things in life that much more.

[cathy5841]

i can also tell you there is life after pills...in about 20 days i will have 1 year clean and life is good.  a friend of  mine always says "you will get clean when your desire to be clean is stronger than your desire to be high."  thats true.  when you are willing to suffer the w/ds and yes they are a biotch...but you gotta stick it out to get where you want to be.  you did not get addicted over night and you wont be healed over night or in a week and probably not in a month, but you will be on your way.  you say you want off, but it takes more than wanting...we can offer support and lift you up when you are down but, you have to do the work....and it is damn hard work...but very much worth it

[TysonRed]

I just want to say that there really is life after pills, it takes patience and a ton of determination but as you can imagine the reward is priceless. Ive overcome addictions to oxy's,methadone,cocaine and most recently suboxone. By far for me the sub was and still is the hardest drug for me to deal without. Its been 24days clean, and my level of depression seems to have tripled, Ive been through opiate detox enough times to know that its part of the process. Everyone is so different during these periods, what works for one may not for the other, for me I took a multi-vitamin, B6caps, 5hr energy and melatonin/unisom to help me sleep. I wanted and could have gotten some valium, but decided Id atleast try without before adding another temptation to myself. I almost forgot about the immodium, its basicly a must during opiate detox. Lots of good advice in the previous posts, this place is truely a blessing, it can really help you with the detox. Im not sure of your exact situation or if you've tried, but for some an inpatient detox is more suited. Keep posting your questions and thoughts here, I promise you it will only help aid you during these times. My thoughts and prayers to you, take care and good luck.

[imanaddict]

Oh man, I remember that feeling all too well! I had a nasty Norco habit (anywhere from 40 to 60 pills a DAY, and even took 90 in ONE DAY once). Yes, there IS hope, I promise you!! A lot of us have been where you are and we are living breathing proof that it can be done, and it's very much worth it. This forum helps tremendously and reminds you that you are not alone. I do not know the answer firsthand about amino acids, but I have seen a lot people post about taking them while in WD, so maybe they do. There are a lot of things you can do to help ease the pain, like taking a really HOT bath for the aches. I sat in a bath for 2 hours running the water as hot as I could stand it, and kept refilling it every time it started to get cool. I could not believe how much that helped by itself. Exercise helps too if you can muster the energy. Maybe some Tylenol PM to help sleep and lots of immodium! If you try to stay active, that is the best recipe! Coming on here to talk out the pain with people is very helpful as well. You CAN do this and you are not alone, and this will all become a distant memory before you know it if you stick with it. You will be happy again, happier than ever! Good luck and keep us posted...

[owhatamistake]

What are you trying to get off of...and how much?...and for how long were you taking it? Also how many days have you been not taking anything?

I remember WELL the days when I felt just like you.  I tapered off of Vicodin 7.5 and Norco 10, 10-12 (at least) a day.  The first week was living hell....I cut my intake in half the first day I decided I was finished with this stuff.  It WILL get better!  Look at the Thomas recipe.  The Amino acids I have heard do help...I only did some of it.  I drank gallons of decaf green tea....full of antioxidants....and helps to flush your body of the drug.

I'm sure someone will come along and give you a lot of good advice.  Stay strong...it WILL get better....and good luck!

[so_it_goes]

it WILL all be okay.  You are not a lost cause and this is no time to give up- look, you already made the first step: you reached out for help.  I know coming off of pills feels like the end of the world- all of us here know how you feel- and I promise you that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.  I am tapering down from a nasty tramadol habit.  I thought just like you- I'd ruined my life, i'd never be happy again, I had no one to talk to.  But it isn't true- I know I will always be an addict, but having taper down to almost nothing (going to zero tomorrow!), I can tell you that light is starting to become more visible.  It's scary as all hell and I know it will always be a battle- but I, and YOU, can be happy again.

Why don't you start by telling people your drug of choice and how much you take?   then people will be better suited to help you.