cincee

[hippy]

it has aslways seemed to me whenever i used everything in my life would go wrong, when i used  i would get flat tires every week.
when i used i got arrested at least 50 times' for things that i was not even part of doing.
i think they call it murphy's law , well it always had a strangle hold on my life ,whenever i  did drugs.
I somtimes thought it was my father praying for me, so i
would say to him stop praying for me , i crashed my car,
lost my job and broke my ankle  that week.

there is the other side of this story, once i started on the
road of staying clean the oppisite happened, everythin that could go right did, instead of spending my money on drugs,
and buying 5 dollar tires at the junk yard  i, bought sears steel belted raidels and never got a flat agian.
i never got arrested agian, inever lost my job agian,
i got custdy of my kids, ect, ece,
when i got clean and went to meetings it was like i was invisible
to the cops, and invisible to bad things coming my way.

i am writing this because  cincee posted that the only na meeting she could find was i the bad lands,in her town
and she would not go there unarmed, well my experence
has always been ,whenever we make that effort or surrender to
go to meetings , we seem to be invisible to trouble.
i grew up in the bad lands in philly so i understand her concern.
when ever i went back to the badlands to start meetings
or attend them i was a little leary but nothing ever happened.
CINCEE -call the na hotlone and ask , there are a lot of meetings not listed , talk to smeone sbout ,in your area.

[athena]

I am remembering you in my prayers.you seem back to your old self.I saw an earlier post from you and you were talking about leaving.It was probably the pain talking.Dont ever try to get out of your new responsibilities lol This place needs you.I think of your posts as poetry,so your new position is forum poet.Im glad you found a good doc.who will take better care of your needs.hope you have a good evening and a restful night.

pixi

[lilmermaid]

Thanks Pixi for your kind words. God knows I need them today. I just can't seem to get anything going. Can't sit still, call anyone, carry out any activity. Your words hit home and I feel them. Yep, me too always counting the days that my next script would go through. I feel like I was using pain as an excuse to start increasing all the drugs. I hate to think that I have to go through this emotional rollercoaster to get or taper off the rest of the  meds. However oxy is the biggest one.(i think) anyway, i won't babble on. Just thanks for the reply and taking time to read and type back. I wish you well.

[athena]

you will definately start to feel much better in a few days.I think the pills do mask our emotions.When I quit the hydro,11 days ago,I sat at this computer listening to oldies,writing to everyone and crying like a baby.I just couldnt stop crying.I am glad to know that I do have feelings.I thought I had become this cold,empty person.I used to cry over sad movies etc. then it's like I felt absolutely nothing.Not good,not bad just existing and waiting on a new script.it really does get better and the best part is that we can be the person we used to be,the person we were meant to be,blubbering and all.I will be thinking of you.You are now starting on a journey home,to your soul.I hope you find peace.

pixi

[lilmermaid]

Writing again just to writed. Can anyone tell me how they find peace with themselves? I mean I feel like I may be having a pitty party day or something going on. I woke up this morning so proud that I made it through the night without waking and my legs killing me. I thought I would have a productive day and I've ended up just crying most of the day. I just am having such a hard time accepting that in an instant my life changed and I can no longer be the energetic, outgoing, exploring, traveling, etc.. that I was. I just can't accept it. and I'm wondering if the oxycontin had me in a mask of perception of just plain everything.  I thought I had it all under control and woke up one morning finding myselfing feeling like I had to taper off and could no longer take it. So my 7 or 8th (whichever it is) stinks! I think maybe the news of herniated disks have not helped. Another diagnosis is just what I didn't need. I"ve read so many posts that say's to keep writing, it will get better, so I'm writing and I hope no one see's this as I am just venting. I'm not, just confused, lonely and just plain don't know what to do!

[Chezz]

***@****

Chezz

[puma]

(Chezz), it is good to see you can hang in there and that money is not your hangup for getting help. Unfortunately some people here are desperate and cannot find help easily and that's why I am trying to take some correspondance courses to help addicts and alcoholics in group therapy and to get on their feet. I eventually, down the road a ways, will help under the assistance of my drug and alcohol counselor.

The warm weather in Hawaii may inprove you pain condition, I know I would not even be able to walk or move about if it drops below 65 degrees. That's why I am down here in the deep tropics where it rarely drops below 70 degrees and rarely goes over 90.

I agree with you that we all feel left out or ignored sometimes, but that's part of our loneliness and insecurity in all of our individual conditions. Good luck.

(Bmac), congrats on day 48, you are doing great. I am in worse pain than usual today and took an extra Ultram. I have worked too hard cutting grass this past week and a storm is brewing east/southeast and the pressure is falling. Makes the water weight increase which aggravates pain conditions. I was supossed to go apt. cleaning at 8:00 am but it is now 9:30 and I still don't feel like moving. I just need to force myself to get going.

I received my SSI payment today but will hold off on paying bills until I see where that typhoon will go. If it goes to Saipan, I will need some cash to fly there. Saipan is only 120 miles north/northeast of Guam. I think I am becoming too distracted by the developing typhoon to do work actually. I need to keep a close eye on it in case it speeds up. I still think it is a few days away and I may even save me money by it coming here. Another direct eye passage? Could it be?  One can always hope!!

Another great typhoon season, I hope matching 1992 and 1997!!! We had three direct eye passages in three months in 1992, pretty good for an island only 30 miles long in a giant mass of ocean. Saipan took it in 1997 as well as Guam several times. Anyway I am babbling about one of my obsessions. It used to kept me sober though. I never drank during typhoons.

Good luck with (everyone) elses places in w/ds and days of sobriety. I wish it were that easy for me to stop the Klonopin, maybe, someday.

I discoveed my seizures may be from low blood sugar and not my initial outpatient detox gone awry for the first three months, sobriety, crach and burn, seizures and DT'S then repeat over and over. Docs didn't think I looked like an alcoholic!!!! How STUPID when I told them openly on my own I drank a bottle of Vodka or Gin a day. They finally sent my to a psych doc who put me in-patient to detox. I thought the seizures continuing in spite of nearly two years sobriety after in-patient detox would have solved the problem, but I still had seizures nearly once a week, that's why they could not get me off the Klonopin they used for detox. It is an anti-seizure med as well as for anxiety etc. It's a killer if you are cut off though as I described a couple of weeeks ago. At least I am off the booze, and no seizures since I started drinking a couple glasses of lemonaide in the mornings for sugar intake. I am down to 8 mg of Klonopin from 10 mg a day. I will slowly taper probably over one year or more and see if I get seizures again. Then I will know I have to take it permanently for brain damage due to having had so many seizures in the past four years.

Well, I had better go and try to get something done before the typhoon comes.

see you under the eyewall!!!!

Chatahan