day 5 clean and I just got 20 vicodin...help please

[done4good]

I have been thru withdrawal hell this week and in a weak moment I called my pharm to ask for a refill yesterday. I didn't think my dr would ok it since it'd only been a week since I got 20 from him.
Well, right after an NA meeting tonight I got the msg that my prescription was ready. I am still feeling sick and wanted the relief the stupid pills would bring.
Anyway, I took 2. I want to throw the rest in the toilet but am worried I'll be going thru withdrawals all over again. Will 2 pills make me start all over again???
I'm really scared...I can't go thru another week like this.
....wanting to be DONE4good, but apparently not strong enough

[done4good]

thank you for that. I think you sent that while I was flushing 5 more.
I can so relate to everything in that post about it taking away my depression and anxiety, but I was starting to feel almost normal today except for nausea still. Now I've gone and blown it.
I'm really afraid of how I'll feel tomorrow and am scared to flush the last 2.
My heart is racing and I don't even understand why I like to feel like this.

[worried878]

First let me state where I'm coming from: Oxycodone addiction. I took it to function. Not for physical pain, but for emotional pain. And I can't tell you how scary it is to know there is just a perfect little drug for happiness. It enabled me to get up in the morning and face the day with energy and happiness. It even gave me the motivation to start excersizing - I even have a home gym now thanks to Oxy. And at the time... I thought Oxycodone was 'just a pain-killer'. I didn't even know it was the barbiturate aspect that made me feel so euphoric. And I didn't even think there was more to withdrawal than just bearing through an uncomfortable physical withdrawal (which I could and can do with no problem) with minor anxiety. To me, it was perfect. Until I ran out after taking them for months...

Hell. Complete and total emotional meltdown. It was as if for every moment of happiness it had brought over the past months was being revisited upon me in the form of emotional hell. The law of 'For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction' suddenly had a horrible new meaning for me. And truthfully, the agony of withdrawal seems a hundred times worse than the gain it gives.

I still have a memory... of me squatting on the floor of the shower with my arms wrapped around my legs - crying as the hottest water I could stand rained down on me. Crying for the first time since I found out my mom had cancer and likely wouldn't live beyond the next year. Crying for the first time since my fiance of two years suddenly cheated on me and left with no explanation or closure. Crying for the first time in about 15 years. But it was not a cathartic crying. It was just a feeling of being doomed and not being able to see that I wanted to live in this world any longer. Each second was a struggle to avoid thinking about suicide. I pray to God for anyone and everyone else that finds themselves stuck in a similiar moment of pain.

I made it through that detox after about 2 weeks of nights like that. The nights were the worst. Days I could get through - empty, depressing, boring, and yet so filled with anxiety and restlessness. Nothing was enjoyable and nothing would make the time go faster. If there is such a thing as 'time-dilation', people going through withdrawal know what it is. I didn't feel normal again at the end of two weeks - but I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and I knew I could start dealing with my other issues like a normal person and rejoin the land of the living.

I relapsed about a month later. Even after reading about the dangers of relapsing and thinking I had learned a lesson.

Went through withdrawal and detoxing again. Cold turkey, no taper, no other drugs to help. I kept it completely hidden from my family and friends.

Life is starting to return to me again for brief moments. Things start to make sense again. The emotional pain, depression, anxiety... sometimes they go away long enough to fell like a person again. Once again I know that in a number of days, I'll be back to being alright... without Oxycodone.

Even now, there is a bottle of Oxycodone sitting on the counter in the kitchen. But if I look at it - it shakes me to the core. As much as I want one, the thought of taking one literally terrifies me. I will not ever go back into that hell.

I'm writing this not only to get this off my chest since I cannot, and will not, ever let my family or friends know - but because I want to let anyone else going through withdrawal know:

Withdrawal does end. Even if you think your addiction is different from everyone else's. Even if you think your emotional pain is too great. It does end. Meet the fear head-on. Take the steps to quit. Or if you have already started and want some inspiration:

I never thought I could quit the stuff. I thought I would rather be dead than live without it. I thought my depression, lack of finding anything enjoyable any longer, anxiety, chest pain, etc... was abnormal and beyond what other people felt. But I have found out - it's the drug talking to you. Telling you nothing will ever be ok again. But it lies.

You stop it, you get better.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

I fell alive again. Life is worth living. Things are enjoyable again.

[done4good]

ok I flushed all but 2.
btw...I don't even feel great from the two (ok now three..hell why lie to you guys)
I took. I feel on edge and really tired at the same time.

[cathy5841]

did you flush?  there is power in flushing.....swoosh.....flush the rest of them....i'm  waiting.

[newgirl2708]

GO MAKE THOSE FISH HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[done4good]

I have 13 still...sigh.
Ok I'll look for a post to help motivate. Heck I could just read my own from this week...sigh again.