Am I brain damaged?

[The_Problem]

To: All.
Hi, I am problem. that is my name. that is who and what I am.

I have been taking tylonal #1s about 15 or more a day for about 5 or 6 years now. plus when I was 14 I would steal my dads tylonal 3's and eat like 9-11 at a time. My big question is why am I still here. I am not trying to take my life in anyway. But I do hurt myself. I been cutting myself since I was 11. the tylonals made me feel good about myself gave me confidence. but now it doesnt anymore. And I am always depressed. I've lost hope for my future and am a worrysome burden to my family. I guess my question is ...
Is my brain so far damaged that I am beyone repair? Can I fix myself or is it too late for me?

Be honest people. I can handle.

Problem.

[dodie64]

you mentioned that you're 30 something- you're still so young. get help wherever you can. i'm fe, 66, widowed, and feel like i'm nobody. There was a song years ago called I Could Never Do Nothing Right, and that's me. i've always felt like that. i have history of depression and worthliness but am better now. i was on painpills (all kinds) for over 18 years mostly due to surgeries back epiderals, you name it. i've been clean from narcotics for almost 2 years. i still want them for the euphoria of them. now i got addicted to adderall by abusing them. i;m a mess. i don't know why you take your ''meds'' but for me, they are my company. i think they fill a void in my life. please post again and release your feelings here. i'm not proud of myself for wd from painpills, but i had to. couldn't get them anymore, but i made it and you can too. i could take 1 right now if i had 1,but i don't want to go down that road again. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE POST AGAIN. I REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. it's different from some but highly related.  OK? i'll be watching for you. Hugs and a Kiss to you. Remember  GOD LOVES YOU!!

[Franny62]

Please, stop hurting yourself. Get the right help like a AA group, and find a sponsor who will guide you through this tough disease.

[Franny62]

Your head is full of fog, and doubt. That's a part of the disease with addiction. Believe me when I say you're worth having a better life. Please don't give up, because so many folks really do care. I care, and want you to get the help you need. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself, because that would hurt those who love you. Sincerely, Franny

[vicki595]

Hey!!    What does your post mean,exactly ????

[dominosarah]

You are not beyond help......Keep talking to us please

[The_Problem]

You guys are all stronger than I can ever be. I can't quit anything. I just can't. so F-It.  Nobody can help me. I'm beyond help.
My help is an upcoming painful death.

I am weak.

no more posts here. bye people.

[Franny62]

Find another Physician now, ask for a Psych referral so you can get the right medications to help you. You're clinically depressed, and that could be caused by stress, or even an unbalanced chemistry in your system. I can tell you it's not the codiene that will kill you, but the excessive acetamenophen that will do your liver, and pancreas in, and for God's sake don't use alcohol with them, because that will speed up the damage. There are so many choices for you, and if that lousy Doctor can't help you? Find another one!

[Darxus]

It's been a while since you have posted. I hope you are doing alright. We're hear for ya!

[wannabfre2b]

Hi buddy, im an addict too, but its no reason to start hurting yourself.  I fighting for my life also, i am NOT recovered, like most of these people giving you advice.  Im fighting too, but we can DO it together.  Don't let those pills, and attitudes of other people make you give it up.  Do it for YOURSELF, and no one else, not your mother, your father, whatever, do it for you, then go take a nice hike or a walk somewhere you love. and look at all the beautiful things God put here for us to enjoy, look at whats good in the world, and you are hang in there buddy, im trying to stay one day clean, and its hard, look at whats good out there.  You will find it, find a dog and take it for a walk, help an old lady with groceries, something like that, it will make you feel better.  Hell, if you have to go for a wild ride somewhere, bicycle with no hands. come do it...   I understand where your at.......

[Storme]

One thing you need to do is stop calling yourself The Problem and start believing that You can be your solution. I know it sounds impossible but it isn't. The only one who can save you, is You. You have to want to fight and I believe you do or you would not have come to this site and you would not have posted here asking for help and advice.

We want to help you through this because we Know EXACTLY how you feel inside and we know you can move past it and you can feel alive again. So many of us here are fighting, just as you are and we are doing it day by day and we are doing it with and without the support of anyone else in our personal lives. The one thing you have right now that you didn't before is the family of fine folks that are here on this forum. Let us care for you and support you and guide you through what is to come. Please trust me when I say that these people can literally help you save your own life. They helped me through every day of my challenge for sobriety and I am now 79 days clean.

Dry your eyes, take a deep breath and be the man you know deep down that you are. You have to do this for yourself. I know you want to be something besides a drug addict. I know you want a family of your own,, a daughter perhaps. No one can give that to you but yourself. Now fight for it. Fight!

[cantfly]

i am sure u will be giving many here a great gift by allowing us to be here for you.. small but positive steps.

[Darxus]

No you are not to far gone. I use to be a cutter also when I was younger. Right now I am addicted to Norcos. Though it was through prescription for my back in the past years I have abused a lot of substances. The thing with opiates is that yes the made you feel more confident and they may have made you invincablw, but this not nescissarily them making you feel this way. One of the side effects of the opiates is that they have a tendency to boost your dopamine a chemical in your brain that promotes happiness. Though the physical sideffects are typically pleasant physically. I don't know if you would be open to suggestion on talking to your doctor about medications, but my doctor put me on Lexapro. That stuff saved my life when it came to depression and anxiety. I hate most antidepressants but they feel really natural, not like a fake happy. I'm not a doctor, but i would suggest you talk to your about it. It's good stuff. If you don't think you can over come your addiction yourself I would definitly talk to a counciler. Some places have free drug councilars. I am scared of groups so for me one on one would be better. Let me know if you need to talk.

[janet19]

I had to ask for help or I would of  never made it. No shame in asking for help and i gave some peoples ideas and fessed up to several people who did not know what was going on and guess what they were happy that I got them involved and felt close enough to them to confide in them. I am soooooooo glad I did. You would probably feel the same if you reached out. Someone on here several times has hurt my feelings, but I took a look at what they said and realized that was a good answer for how I expressed my question.
I wish tons of luck, wishes and promising future. You are the one that has to make that ultimate decision.

[gnarly_1]

you truly got to want to get better and want help b/4 anyone is going to be able to reach you
many here have tryied with all there hearts....I suffer myself with bipolar disorder theres no way with eveything you got going on that you have never been diagnoses with something
or another after phyc evaluations  ....if you want help start by being honest with us
you need help in the worst way we start by helping our self...good luck and God bless
Gnarly

[loveJwhite]

Check your inbox-I messaged u

[vicki595]

Okay...calm down...google it...it's ONLY my opinion. But,you have to admit the serious cutting followed by the drug use means something.  Ask the doctor tomorrow...I'm hoping you'll be okay...you're worth it,people love you,and you deserve a good life.

Take care of yourself....

[vicki595]

Hey,yes,it's called something. It's called Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm sure you know that and I'm sure you've received treatment for this.  You know that treatment needs to be ongoing and long term.  You self medicate to kill the pain you feel emotionally. You cut yourself for the same reason.  You know this...I'm SURE you do.

Good luck with the doctor tomorrow.  Let someone help you...

[Beccabeccalynn]

If you haven't tried every treatment, therapy , 12steps program,doctor,suggestion,witch doctor,remedy then how in the world can you say you are beyond help? What you are experiancing is a feeling not a fact. What if you could recover?would you be willing to do whatever it takes to get there? None of us are unique! And guess what your not even the sickest person on this forum. The additude we have and the willingness to do something differant is the only thing that separates those of us who make it from those of us who don't. Weather you think you can or think you can't you are right!
Becca

[IBKleen]

Sucking emotion from everyone and leaving is probably a fear of rejection. You get out before they can reject you. It is classic for addicts.

I don't know if you have brain damage or not. There are no doctors here so unless you get the proper tests done, we cannot help you with something physical here on the internet. It would be a guess at best.

I would do as suggested and get some much needed counseling. You need to get to the core issues and stop harming yourself. My guess is you are a good person with issues, the majority of us are.

Counseling and talking with professionals who specialize in the field is a rewarding process, humbling and rewarding as I said. I hope this will be the way you go. Good luck to you.

[The_Problem]

I am a burden because I suck emotion from anybody who cares about me. Till they have none left for me and they leave. Is that called something? I knwo what to say and how to say it. I am manipulative and very stupid.  In my defence I am very humble, I make people laugh and I know I make other people feel very good about theirself. As soon as somebody gets close I think I subconciously sabatoge myself and screw up everything.  I am aware of what I do so I avoid everybody now. Its like I think I can protect them from me. Its logical judging from my history. If I have to be alone for the rest of my life so be it. I pray its not that much longer. I know I have God in my heart ,but with all my failures and crapness, I know I deserve to go to hell. I am crap. I read some of your posts and comments and WE ARE ALL BROKEN HERE. Are you guy really serious, that broken people can help other broken people? Does this really help? What if somebody is so messed up that somebody says something, and that messed up person gets so hurt or misinterpits a post. What happens to that person? I would hate myself even more if that person made a dumb choice. Trust me when I say I can't stand myself. If I could split in two I would kick my own ***. About the tattoo thing. I got too much scar tissues for any tattoos on my chest, legs and arms,  I even cut up my face and neck a few times. My cuts aren't little slits...these are long deep cuts, till I can't take the sensation of that pain any more I'll stop the cut, and do a few more till I got so much stinging pain outside I can't feel the crappyness inside (if that makes any sense to you guys) and yess I did cut to deep alot. But since the 5 or 6 years of pills I started with 7 a day went up to 22 a day at least.
I haven't cut in probably about 2 and a half years maybe. I never had one pill yet today. I am sweating and cold like crazy. I will try not to go out and buy a beer or 6 today as well. I did however smoke about 15 smokes in like 5 hours though.  I also made an appointment with my doctor. (I know won't go well) But I will try to follow it threw.

Thanks for listening to my story.

The_Problem

[mentalmary]

aside from agreeing with what everyone else has said...i see you cut yourself to reliever stress...have you ever gotten a tattoo ...alot of people use them as a stress reliever....it helps me alot....i got one on the back of my knee cap for the most painful spot after i decided to stop with the pills...just a suggestion

[loveJwhite]

Hey. Please come back and talk to us. How can you be a burden to us? We are all here for similiar reasons. I know what it is like to lose all hope, I've been there. You are not alone. I thought I was the only one in the world who felt the way I did- until I found this forum. I thought the world was so vast, but it really isnt- it is so small. It helps to talk-even to "strangers"....I'm thinking about you and I hope you come back. -Shay

[The_Problem]

No.
It was a mistake coming here. I can see that now. I am too far gone. You guys all got you're issues and the last thing you need is the thought of another one. My burden is mine to carry, and if I must take it to my 'funeral" then so be it. But I will not bother my family with this crap I am going through.  They can't handle. I can't even handle. All my family would do is say "pray...give it too God" ...blah!  I know this because they are my family. I also know I will never have my own family unless I want to mess up some other people's lives just like mine. The thought of bringing a kid into this world makes me sick when I think of how messed up I would make her grow up to be, and that makes me cry, because I would of been a wicked fun dad. I know its way too late for me. At my age all my old friends have familys, houses, cars, friends, jobs they have a life. I can never have this. I just can't. I don't even know how to have a stupid bank account. Yea, it was a mistake coming here. I am the mistake. I've never done anything but. Whatever hospital I end up in. I have no emerency contacts. When I am suffering in well deserved pain (I know whats coming). I will always know that this is all my fault. That I did this to myself. and nobody else. I will know I wasn't strong enough for society, and life kicked my ***. I am weak,  I am good for nothing, I am lazy, I am a waste of skin, I will always be a nobody. I deserve whats coming. I wish to God Almighty that I can be saved. But in all logic. I'm done.

[wesinbama]

You would be surprised about what admitting your problems would do for you.  Instead of being judged, your doctor and family will probably say " finally"! They know you have a problem I bet. When we addicts usually admit it, most of our friends say Duh! We are the last to admit it. Letting go takes away a huge burden off us, and let's people know what the issue is do they can help. If they font know, they can't help, and keep their distance. And you say you font want to be selfish, but do you want your family to to have to bury you? They would rather deal with helping you than plan a funeral. Plead tell them. I was in your boat in a way, and so surprised how everyone I told supported me. They already knew something was wrong, and finally they could help me. It works.