No more

[Tommyco]

I'm sorry.
I'm going to stop saying that I can do this until I actually do.
I spent hours withering on the floor kicking and thrashing because bones were crawling our of my skin, my muscles spasaming cramping up pain pain pain my nails hurt my hair and skin just feel like cactus on slimy gooseflesh
I'm terrified of going through this again
I failed and I'm so sorry I've let us all down
I want to be ready god I want to be clean but this physical pain made me think about suicide
It got to the point I wanted to either kill myself or relapse
Heroin you fucjing piece of **** I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
I'll save you all the rollarcoaster ride and only post once I get past day two
Since that's apparently how Weak I am, I can't  even handle 48 hours of pain I deserve
Once again humbled and so full of respect for all of you who are fighting, fought and defeated withdraws
Your strength is something I desperately adnire

Yours truly,
Tomi

[FassFeat]

You will decide which one will win ....Whichever you feed the most will win because it will be stronger. You need to spend as much time and effort on recovery as you have on addiction.. God knows it is a more worthy cause. Tomi, everyone is pulling for you. You don't need to worry about 7 days, you need to worry about 1 day, or 1 hour. You are playing with fire..time to make a change. Get something to help you sleep thru the first 24 hrs. that is safe.  God Bless.

[DayToTry]

There is no better time than now Tomi ...

[Tommyco]

Hey guys I'm still here reading everyone's messages and others posts
I feel so ready to quit, willing to endure the pain until the pain really sets in and then I can't believe what an animal my mind turns into
Everything bad is amplified and every reason to use seems undeniable
I'm going to keep trying but I'm floored at how weak my resolve gets hour after hour
I hate myself when I use but I keep thinking I'll quit after this
When will it end??? I know I know that I can stop this, but why won't I? I know after a week the pain will dissipate and yet the addict in me knows exactly what to say how to make me feel.
I know it's lies but I listen, I lock myself in the bathroom and cry as I relapse and I smile as I hate myself and hope I OD but pray I can have the power to quit
It's two completely different people in my head
One wants to give up and the other wants to fight
One is willing to die as long as I'm high, the other wants to Live and love and laugh and be happy, be me
God why, why isn't my desire to quit stronger than my desire to use, it's equal and it's ripping me apart slowly
I'll keep trying, your messages or prayers and support and love and encouragement
You all my fellow addicts my family that understands me because we share this cross to carry Thank you
I'll keep trying I'll keep trying
Xoxo

[gnarly_1]

Tommy how you doing tonight.....where still out here and willing to help ......Gnarly

[10356]

sent a prayer up for you today tommyco Hang tough and fight ok.. sending positive thoughts.. You can do this!!

[FassFeat]

Tomi,  I too am praying for you. You are doing all the right things and will win. As Sara said, as long as you don't quit trying.. I think if you get through 36-48 hrs, you will own it. We are all pulling for you. I know you have it in you to do this, the baby is worth the pain..Andrew

[quitinoxys]

Tommyco I hear the desperation and want to stop doing herion in your post. It is hard but you can make it just remember the pain of w/ds is a temporary thing, herion addiction is a life sentence. I am pulling for you and I know you can and will make it. I will pray to God to give you the strenght to make it through this rough time and protect you thru it.---quitin

[jstntime]

Hey Tomi,

Great to see you back.  You obviously want this.  Just think of the sickness as a right of passage.  It's something we all endure to make the club.  Deleting those numbers was a great idea.  

If you know the drugs are in rappongi then you know you need to stay out of there.  Did you say the meetings were there too??  Is there any other place to get a meeting.....NA OR AA???

Those laws sound pretty punitive around discussing your addiction with your doctor but is there anyone you can discuss this with???  A counselor?

We're not giving up on you and we know you have it in you to do this.  Keep posting and everyone here will keep helping you!!!!

bob

[MzHolly]

I've never talked to you before, but I want you to know I feel for you. Stop blaming yourself and saying you deserve these horrible things, addiction is a disease! You know you can and will do this. We all believe in you. When you wake up and realize the withdrawal pain is subsiding and you're starting to remember what being yourself feels like again, you'll know it was all worth it. You will do this! Give yourself some credit. You've done a lot and come a long way. Coming on this forum, getting rid of your dealer contacts, starting withdrawal, these are HUGE accomplishments on the road to recovery! Good luck to you, don't give up.

[DayToTry]

I was so worried about you Tomi ... I'm so glad you came back.  You can do it.  Just keep telling yourself the pain is temporary.  When you want to give in remember the hrs that you already have in toward getting clean and don't want to waste.  We can all tell how much you want this.  You know you can do it girl.

[gnarly_1]

HI Tommy.....I just wanted to encourage you to keep trying like I said b/4 it may take a time or two to make it stick...you got to want it bad.....so bad your willing to put up with being dope sick for about a week....but whats one week compared to the rest of your life...take it from a hardened addict it is no way to go threw life....your young and resilient you can make it threw this your doing all the right things....I dont know if you believe in God or not ....I do
and I cant overemphasize enough on how prayer can help you threw this...Jesus has much grace to give he here's those that call out his name his grace and love is unconditional
he will give you the strength to push on when you cant find it in yourself...I will pray for you seek him with all your heart....talk to him like your speaking to your best friend he is waiting for you to call his name.....I could never have gotten off methadone without the help of God....hang in there Tommy ....you can do this good luck and may God bless you abundantly.......Gnarly      

[Tommyco]

I've changed my phone number and deleted all my drug contact info
It's a clean slate as long as I don't go to roppongi
Which is what happened last night
I said I was going for a walk and next thing I know one foot is in front of the other and I'm thinking that this pain will all go away in an instant
Then I found myself back at the dealers place crying and praying he wouldn't give it to me but relieved and disgusted when he did
I truly am two people and the real me has been ignored for so long it's still hard to listen to her but I'm trying
Im trying
Xoxo

[dominosarah]

As long as you keep trying you never fail~~~~~sara

[BrentD]

Dont beat yourself up too bad its an extremely hard thing to overcome. I dont know anyone thats had a severe addiction thats said ok Im going to stop and did it all in one go. It seems like a trial and error process from my experience. Its obvious you want to be clean very bad and you can and will be. I had gone anywhere from 2-5 days clean SEVERAL times and ended up using again for months. I dont know what happend but from day one this time it clicked and I knew this was it. Done.Using not an option. Keep your mindset strong and do whatever you need to do to not use. Deleting my dealers numbers was the best decision I made early on because I knew when things got rough I would want to get something and it made that not an option. Wish you the best of luck.

-Brent

[Tommyco]

Reading all your messages and feeling the support and encouragement has me in tears again, thank you- I'm not alone.
I'm out of dope and the WDs should be beginning again by this evening
I have to do this, I must do this, it is not a choice.
It's zero tolerance on drugs here so if I went to the doctors looking for help off heroin I would be arrested. I don't have enough money to go back home plus my mom believes I'm still clean and I can't crush her again like I have so many times before.
I got myself into this mess and so far have kept it a seceret, I need to get myself out of it without hurting anyone. That's my motivation to get clean. I'm so tired and heartbroken hurting the people I love the most.
I know secrets keep us sick, so someday I'll have to come clean but one thing at a time, I can't handle the prospect of WDs and staying off heroin on top of dealing with losing my boyfriend getting kicked out of my Japanese family's house and probably disowned.
Not to mention devestating everyone back in the states who are "so proud of me for moving to the other side of the world and getting my life back finally!"
:( I feel so alone, but I know I've done this to myself and I feel determined to get through it
The pain terrifies me, the mental pain is slowly killing my spirit and mind, getting clean will be the battle to save my life, my dreams and hopes
I'm 21 but I feel like I'm 75 all the awful things I've seen and done and let be done in the name of addiction, because of heroin
I want to be free
I want to be free
I want to be free
Thank you friends and angels for your thoughts and prayers, you're the encouragement I need, even though I've kept falling, I'm going to keep getting back in the ring and fighting
Xoxo

[paying_it_forward]

As everyone is saying, you CAN and WILL do this. We're all here to support you through this sh!tty time.

You should read a book called "The secret" by Rhonda Byrne. It's a really good read. It's about the power of the mind and positive thinking. It's WELL worth it. I have read it about 4 times to really understand it.

Good luck, you can do this <3

[10356]

Hey Tommyco it took me a few times to build up the courage. I know how bad you feel I really do but i also have faith you can beat the B itch. I hear in your words the desperation and isolation you are feeling.. Heroin changes us.. it turns us into people we would not recognize if we could see.. really see. this is the thing about her she wants to steal your spirit first then she steals your life.. Courage..Strength.. Determination is what gets us through the wd.. Pain.. Physical Pain I would rather endure then Mental Anguish... Physical Pain only last so long but the mental has no end.. You are at a cross roads.. I Believe you can do this but I do not think you can do it alone.. Got to get Honest and get Support at home.. You say your guy knew you were addicted in your past but yet he still choose you as his partner.. so did my husband do this and He has turned out to be a Major source of Support.. Ya got to start to get real and admitting and being honest brings the possibility's of getting through this that much closer.. I hope you continue to Post and Support as you do you may learn things that will help you along the way.. Our Journey is so Hard in the Beginning but it gets smoother the more Real we make it. You can do this Reach out and Save your Life ok It seems like one many would dream of at your age and while you are active you can not even appreciate it.. get it back.. get yourself back.. and never ever give up ok.. warm hugs lesa

[Punkinhead75]

Wow, that is an awesome post and I thank you for sharing.  It really brings back a lot of memories.  Please keep coming and sharing.  We can tell how badly you want to stop.  Keep knocking on the door and it will eventually happen.  I watched a guy relapse after relapse after relapse and he just kept coming and one day he finally got it.  He didn't know what he got, he just knew something was different and that he was done.  Please, if there is anybody that can help you let them.  I will pray for you.  God Bless!!

[kimbo546]

Wow girl I feel and know the desperation you are going through. You can do it... I know how impossible it seems those first few days. You have came to a great forum for help and support.. keep on pushin girl. You WILL get there.. Love, Kim

[lifewithoutcoke]

Hang in there girl. The fact that you are putting yourself through the pain of withdrawls will make you stronger. You can make it through it and overcome this. I KNOW it!

Keep posting through the pain and agony. Journal it if you think you can. Do whatever you have to do to get through it except use. We are all here for you!

See you on the other side sis:)

[dominosarah]

I know you have said there arent alot of treatment places in Japan right?  Have you thought about coming to the states?

[laurel453]

we are all pulling for you, Tommy... just don't you ever give up , please :)

[jimimiddlefinger]

Tommy, your desire to change and better your life is evident in every word of your posts. The mere fact that you would put yourself thru such suffering, even for a short time, is telling. I believe you will beat this.  Even though I am somehat of an agnostic, I'll pray for you.

Salaam Alaikum

Jimi

[DayToTry]

You're still here posting Tommy ... you still want to do this.  And we are all still here supporting you.  :)

It'll be the best decision you ever made.