feeling really sad after "detox"

[aim1023]

I lurk alot but have only posted maybe one time. I feel like I need to tell you my background I dont know maybe b/c no one knows about my addiction accept my husband, but he is struggling too.. Im a mom to two beatiful babies. I think Im a great mom.. very involved, room mom, anyone that knows my hubby and I think we have "the life", perfect marriage, beautiful home great kids , close to our families.. except this one little issue OUR ADDICTION.. I never had a pill problem before ..to that one night.. I had a girls night met up with all of our friends..I knew my old friends had habits but I never did.. never partied I was the one that got married early, had the first child out my group of friends.. so one night I tried it.. 30 mg of oxy about 3 years ago and my life has never been the same again. I was up to about an 80 a day that was until I got pregnant in jan/feb 10 being on drugs wasnt even an option for me..someway somehow I managed to get clean and taper almost immediately.. I stayed clean my whole pregnancy and for quite a few months I breastfed and that kept me going from relapsing.. but then somehow i did.. so now, that the oxy's arent avaiable in crushed form I am now addicted to roxi's.. my husband and I both. we look at it like we arent hurting anyone our kids are well taken care of.. we just like to do them and its "our little thing" we are both up to about 4 a day.. which gets expensive we WANT to quit and we do for a few days (which really isnt quitting) and then one of us will get a text and we fail. Well one of our dealers took 600.00 of our money and that was the icing on the cake we were done, or so I thought. So here is where Im at now. We "quit" not this past weekend but the weekend before.. we went the whole week UP until this weekend.. we got the text on fri and failed AGAIN.. we binged this weekend got our 16 for the weekend I got my 8 he got his and this has been our weeknd thing.. so mon and tues I took a small piece of sub just to help with withdrawls.. I am doing fine..just very tired and VERY SAD b/c now I am fighting the emotional apart of it. I am depressed, crying alot, and no motivation.. my husband plans to take the sub for the rest of the week till sat and be done completely with the sub and rest this weekend.. so besides my binge over the weekend it will make two weeks this weekend.. but technically I guess since the last time I took anything(the piece of sub was tues) I am on day 2? I have a bit of anxiety stomach issues, my temp feels a bit off.. but I feel SO DEPRESSED.. I just want to curl in a ball and cry and i feel like Im one step away of making that text I dont know whats worse the physical or emotional part. I no we need to get in aftercare I guess I am just so ashamed. So ashamed I will go to a NA meeting and see someone I know. I live in a small town and know everybody if my family found out they will be devistated. I just dont know what step to take next. i really really dont want to relapse I want to be done..but this sadness/depression is so hard and just too much its making me want to use. i feel like I will never be normal again. if you made it this far thanks so much for listening.. I guess I just dont know where to go from here..

[aim1023]

I am determined I'm not gonna make that text! I think maybe I just need to sit here and cry..its been so long since I cried..I guess I was numb without even realizing it.. I hope the sadness goes away soon .. I think this is been worse than the physical part for me! I wish I could tell my mom her and my sister and I are so close. I know they would be devistated at first but would do whatever it took to get me better.. I guess I just hold this "mother of the year" image..I'm just so heartbroken and ashamed I let myself get like this!

[almostfree]

It's o.k to feel the way your feeling it will pass , your starting to feel things again and soon you will beable to deal with your emotions much better . Great job not making the tex ! Appreciate the small accomplishments ! I think you need to tell your family, if your truly ready for a change it's the next step you need to make. I told my mother 24 days ago and it broke her heart but i think it has helped a lot with not relapsing because i can't dissapoint her again . They sound like a great family that will help you through this and you won't feel so alone . Exercise, keep yourself busy , take vitamins , and reach out to us when you are feeling low , you can do this !

[aim1023]

Thank you so much for listening and your great advice. I'm gonna really think about this tonight and see if I can go through with telling my mom or sis tomorrow. I know they will whip my butt in shape into no time.. they are a wonderful family and I do have a lot of awesome support in that sense.. I just need to swallow my pride.. I actually feel a bit better by posting on here..I stopped crying without even realizing it :) I think I'm gonna try and go take a hot bath..I'm freeezing! And try a melatonin or valerian root and get some sleep.. I'm also struggling with motivatin I haven't left my house but to the store and bring my oldest to school..but I guess I can only take one thing at a time... I read on another post minute by minute.. I will do that if I have to! Thank u all esp almost free for listening!

[kyle505]

As the wise people above have stated, you can't make the text (erase the number; forget it). In fact, you need to sever all ties with anyone who you may consider a source. You then need to tell someone - a friend, family member, your doctor.
Now, I may be going out on a limb here, but if you don't cut yourself off from your source, and tell someone who can help support you if you are tempted, then I'll lay odds that you'll be using again this weekend. I know for a fact, that on day 3 of my cold turkey detox, that I would have taken a pill if available. At that point, I wanted some relief - an hour, two - it made no difference. From one addict to another, cut the supply.

[aim1023]

I did it I deleted all the numbers! ! Wow what a huge step! And I think I'm gonna go change my number I'm the morning as well
BC we both know it is just gonna take that one little text. Can I just talk about something else that's bothering me? I feel like life is so boring without my pills. . Like my days aren't gonna be fun without having my 30s to snort.. I know its the depression talking
But did u all feel that way?

[kyle505]

YES! Absolutely. Even when I had plenty of pills, and the outlook for getting more was rosy, I knew that sometime in the future I'd eventually run out; that I wouldn't be able to get my doc to give me more. It was during those moments of clarity that I'd panic and just know that life would be grey without the meds.
Well, it is not true. Granted, you have to work through the detox, recovery; but you will get to a point where life, simple things, ups and downs, days without plans, non-adventure days...They are all very good. The extremes are not there, but instead a steady feeling brought about by having a clear mind and healthy body. Joy will come, happiness is right around the corner. I look back on the thought of life being dull without meds and realize how wrong, foolish, I was. I'm happy. You will be too.