Help

[Sparky76]

I got hurt several years ago and have had multiple surgeries and have since become addicted to opiates. Not only do I get them from the doctor but also on the street.. I quit back in march for 4 weeks but it was hell and I ended up telling my doctor to put me back on them. I have been on them for so lOng that I just don't feel normal without them. I'm so sick of this. I live in fear of running out and the guilt of spending hard earned money on the street and I want my life back. I have lots of Great stuff happening in my life but because of this addiction none of the good stuff seems to make me feel better.. How can I get off these things and stay off. I tried supplements, exercise, prayer and I just continued to feel like crap even 4 weeks later. I'm tired of living this lie and feeling like a junky.. I own my own home in an upper middle class  neighborhood and have a few nice toys as well as 4 kids and I want so badly to. BE the dad they want but the only time I'm In the mood to play is when I'm on pills... Please help me..

[Sparky76]

Alright so today is turning out to be a difficult day. I want to get high but don't want to - if ya know what I mean. I have nothing left and living on Advil.. Te tapering hasn't been to bad because I have been busy but today I just feel like sitting around doing nothing but staying in the air conditioned house with my family.. My kids are real tres and cranky from having such a busy week. Yet tonight right before bed they will start asking if we can go fishing .. Lol.. I dont no I just wanted to put my thoughts out there for today..thanks for listening

[kyle505]

Thanks. There are so many people from different walks of life here. Not all talk about family like you have, and that's what I related to so strongly. I try not to look back, try not to think about it, but when I do I get so upset. I missed precious time with my wife and children chasing pills, and when I had meds I focused on when I could take them and how to get more. So many things - birthdays, soccer games, movies - were missed because of the hold pills had on me. I want you to avoid as many of those regrets as possible. I don't want you looking back like I do.

[Sparky76]

@kyle505 it's all good no hard feelings.. Some times us addicts need the bluntness to really open our eyes.. I hold no ill will toward you and wish you nothing but the best in your recovery. Please don't feel that you have to stay away from my threads. Some of my greatest friendships have began similar to what you and I just went through as far as being blunt with each other..
As far as my wife- God bless her becaus she is definetly a God sent in my life and she helped take me from another dark area of my life 12 years ago and enlightened me to love and positivity. I hold nothing back from my wife, we started off as best friends and are still the best of friends. After 12 years 4 kids and lots of different situations both good and bad I could still sit with just her for hours and talk to her and hang on every word she says just like I did when we first started dating and then through all our ups and downs she has always been a positive force in my life and always helps me to see the light on the other side of the tunnel.. I love her with all my heart.. Like I mentioned in the previous post I was just trying to let everyone know where my head was at so that I could get some good suggestions on how to handle everything we are going through. You did open my eyes to the me syndrome though and I will definetly pay attention to that. By all means please feel free to comment on any of my posts, I admire your honesty and bluntness... Godbless brother I wish you all the best, one day at a time!!!

[kyle505]

Sorry if I upset you. There is never judgment in my posts, only holding up the mirror to what's been written. With my history I'm certainly in no position to judge anyone. My point was based on what I was reading, and my own personal experience with addiction. I saw so much of me in your posts that I got very blunt and didn't flower up my words. And the last post I read sounded like your wife didn't know that you were getting pills off the streets. Sorry if I misread the post, but that is what sent up the red flag for me.  Bottom line, I was trying to help. I'll stay off your thread from now on. Hopefully no hard feelings. I won't' change my approach to trying to help people - I write what I feel.

[Sparky76]

@ Kyle 505-- I thought this was a place to go to share and not be judged about anything? My family is first in all that I do and if it weren't for them I would have never had surgery and would have just continued on the path I'm on now which eventually got worse.. I you read back a few posts you'll see that a few people asked me some direct questions so I was trying to explain about me and in doing so I'm also describing me and how I feel.. I'm sorry you don't like what I wrote but like I said- this is a place to come and express your feelings weather it's about me, my family or whatever and not have to worry about being judged. And my wife does know what's going on as does my mother and bestfriend and although they ate not happy about it they are doing what they can to support me while I get clean.. If you I look at some other people's posts a lot I it is all about them also. In the early stages of recovery sometimes in order to get and stay clean you have to concentrate on all the feelings and things about you made you get high in the first place. I'm not here to please anybody. I'm here because I have a disease and I want help and if that means sharing about me and only me everyday for a week while I go through withdrawals than so be it... All I was trying to do was explain where I'm at so I could get some support of people that have been in the similar situations when they first got clean..thanks for your concern Kyle I appreciate it.. Have a great day

[Sparky76]

Well another nite of no sleep. I am beginning to wonder if I'll ever sleep again. Yet imgoimg to do my best to keep a positive attitude about everything today

[kyle505]

PS - you should re read your last post  - an awful lot of me's.  You don't seem to be thinking much about your family. You can lose it all if you keep telling them lies.

[kyle505]

You became addicted like most of us - you started using meds because you really needed them and you got them legally. Now, because of the addiction, you're between a rock and a hard place. You have to admit, at least to your wife, that you are addicted and that you've been buying from a dealer. You have to let her know because until you do the dirty little secret will allow you to keep doing what you're doing - nothing will change...no, scratch that - it will get worse. You need to tell your doc. A good one understands that this happens to the best of us. It ain't easy but it really has to be done. Otherwise you're just shooting yourself in the foot. You won't be able to quit.

[Sparky76]

Thank you all for the support. ... I'm going to bed - nite all.. Hooefully I can sleep

[Brightfutureahead]

Sparky76 I struggle with telling my friends/love ones too. My doc has said that this is called an 'ego' and if you keep everything to yourself because you feel that you will be judged then you will get nowhere. I mean, you don't have to start by screaming it from the rooftops, but if you share with a few people, even some strangers at a meeting (remember everyone there is feeling the same way as you) then you will begin to feel better for sure. It's hard...nobody wants to walk around like, 'hey I'm a drug addict.' I myself am a young professional and it's really scary to think about sharing my little (big) secret with people....but I remember someone who was clean for almost 5 years (and loving life by the way) tell me something that is so true..."you are only as sick as the secretes you keep."

[Sparky76]

Yes I have spoken to my doc and they know I want to come off but they also know I have a very serious injury and they think I'll be worse without them but they don't no I'm abusing them. I'm scared to death to have my doctor cometely cut me off like I did one other time back in march for 4-6 weeks and I was in so much pain they out me back on small doses. I'm scared to death. I don't want these things running my life the way they are a d I don't want to be a slave to them the way I have become.. I havinf been praying heavily for Gid to remove the obsession. My disease keeps telling me I can do them responsibly. As of recently I have been giving them to my wife and she hides them and only gives me what I'm supposed to have but I keep getting more in the street. I'm scared to death not only of the withdrawals but of being in horrific pain when not taking them. I don't no what to do. Everything in life seems like a chore and I just want to enjoy life again and it seems I only enjoy things when I'm on pills.. I don't feel normal without them. I wish I could just be clean 6 months in the snap of a finger. I k ow deep inside it could be way better but I'm not looking forward to the pain and suffering to get there.. This totally *****.. I keep telling myself I'm gonna go to na meetings but that seems to much like a chore. I friggin hate this lie I'm living. On the outside I appear to be doing great ( house, 4 kids, great wife ,money, cars toys, dog and white picket fence.. Many of my friends of 20 years are in recovery and I'm afraid to blow my whistle. I know they won't judge me but I'm just scared and embarrassed and then worried everyone will always think if I hid it this good for so long then will they always look at me and wonder? Idk I just feel stuck

[kyle505]

Glad that you're back on...Have you talked to your doc? You need to see if there are alternatives to the pain meds you're taking; and you need to let him/her know that you want off the meds. We can't give medical advice on this forum, but I really think that you should include your doc in what you want to do.

[Sparky76]

For clonidine not sure if spelled right but it's supposed to help with withdrawals and my doctor gave me a small script of Xanax .05 mg to help me sleep and be able to get trough te day until withdrawals stop but I'm afraid to take em.. I been living on Advil migraine and ibuprofen... Does it really get better and easier? Please tell me the truth?

[Sparky76]

You are exactly right- everything I do feels like a friggin chore. I certainly don't want to be a slave to the pills nor do I want to live for pills but I am in so much pain without them even after withdrawals from the accident I had a few years back and I'm young to- I'm only 34 years old and I hate being in pain everyday. I have been praying a lot and reading a lot of these forums but I just want to get through this already but I feel like I never will.. I been in construction my whole life and I made damn good money Doug t and it's all I know how to do... Thankfully I've been able to move to a supervisory position but I took a major pay cutcause I'm working in a different field of construction.. I what type of supplements can I take that will help with pain? I take glucosimine w msm as well as b-12 and vitamin d, e and c and recently started takin st johns wart... I also got a prescription of clonidine

[bama88]

I completely understand where your at. One part of your brain is saying no more....the sick part feveriously looking for just one more. I've done that a thousand times.

To quit and quit for good you've got to get deep.down inside yourself. When is enough enough??

There's two answers to this question. Do you want to spend your life a slave to pills?? Or do you want your life to he controlled by the pills??

Right now It sounds like the pills control you. And that Is not living. I know.

It took me a long time to really get that. I go to na...counseling. read books on addiction..

With the help of this forum I got clean. And stayed clean. Over four months of no oxies.

It will take time to get clean. And have healthily thoughts. And a healthy life. But its so so much better. I didn't realize how unsocial I became. Everything seemed like a chore. Now its just life.

Now when I interact with my kids. I'm there. Really there. It's completely different. Sitting zoned out on the couch ain't living. And digging for pills ain't living.

But I'm proud of you to take this first big step.

It's not how fast you recover. It's all part of the process. Right?? You didn't get sick overnight. So you won't get well overnight.

What do you want?? What plan of action do you have??

It's all good. Even if you don't know right now. We all are or were so confused.

Here's a hug for you

[Sparky76]

Thanks for the support.. I'm freaking out today looking everywhere for more pills even though I really wanna stop. I been checking all my hiding spots. I'm pissed at myself for not doing much with my kids the past few days other then play a little in the house.. I love my kids to death.. Last nite while my one kid fell asleep on my lap I just sat there staring at him and thinking about how much I love him and about how much I mean to him. I do this rather often and I kept whispering that I loved him and I was proud of him.. I love him so much it hurts me when all he wants to do is be with me and I just don't want to be bothered sometimes.. Is that wrong or am I entitled to feel like that sometimes.. That's the worst part of this whole thing is that my kids no me as a jokey er and playful but since I started trying to taper down I have just been miserable and it's killing me

[littlebit667]

It is good you are tapering.  At some point even with the tapering you will start to feel some withdrawal symptoms.  Flu like stuff.  Nose, tummy issues, achy, anxious, depression, legs restless, etc. A lot of people have stated that yes they have pain.  But, they want to see where their true pain levels were without the pills.  Some say it gets worse for a bit and then gets to where they can handle it with non pain methods.  The brain will actually manufacture some pain to try to keep the pills available.  Pills=brain not having to work as  hard.  It is very individual.  Only you can decide what is right for you.

I hope you read as Kyle suggested...lots of help and we will continue to help as you post and keep us informed of what is going on.  Take care!

[Sparky76]

Yeah I'm still here was having a problem with Internet connection. To answer your question yes I am in legit pain, I have several fake discs in my back.. I have tapered off the pills quite a bit and I'm down to only a few a day

[Shelly3577]

Are you still with us?

[kyle505]

First of all welcome - if you haven't already, you should spend some time reading the posts on this forum. You'll discover that most of us are like you - middle class, working folks with jobs and families who just happen to be addicted to pain meds.
Do you have legit pain issues/physical limitations because of your surgeries? If so, you need to get your doc involved; let him/her know that you want to quit meds and see if they can help with a tapering plan, and set up a plan to handle the pain after you've detoxed.
If you are using solely because of the addiction, then you will have to take things in to your own hands, with outside help. It sounds like you've been through detox before, so you know what to expect. All I can add to that is the withdrawal gets worse the longer you use and the older you get.
There are a couple of thing that I believe life long recovery is built on - you have to cut all sources to meds, and you have to get in to an after care program. You need to call your doc, dentist, pharmacy and let them know that you are an abuser and should be red flagged as such. If you use a dealer, well, they could give a crap about your well being, so you will have to cut them off. Let friends and family know what you're doing; it is way too easy to hide behind secrets, and thus easy to relapse.
And, after care is a must - NA, AA, something. Professional counseling. You need to work on your addiction; you can't just ignore it and hope that it will go away.
Once you get through the physical part of detox, the mental will kick in. If you have access to meds, then the temptation to relapse will grow stronger each day. If you don't get after care, then you may eventually talk yourself in to believing that you can now control the pills. That will never happen.
Good luck; keep posting. And one thing I can promise you - life without pills is great. I too have kids; my energy level and involvement in their lives has tripled since I quit six months ago. You owe it to your family. And to you.