here we go again

[sofmg]

I SO NEED HELP!!!!!!

     I have been up and down this road it seems my whole life. I get on Lortab and then I run out stay clean for a few months and then go back on it. I HATE MYSELF!!!!!! I am an active 50 year old wife and mother who is so ashamed of herself but I do know I have a disease that is killing my body and my mind. My life has been up and down this year. My husband of 28 years has cancer and is doing well at this time, I AM THE PROBLEM!!!! Noone in my family knows this and I am a worship leader in my church and I am so sad inside!!!!! I just started a new job and I need help I ran out today and I am not calling the doctor because I will just start up again!!!!  I have come on and off for years I know what to expect the chills, hot flashes etc.  Why do I do this????? I was clean for 3 months and then called in for a refill and I felt great when I called the doctor.  I SO HATE MYSELF!!!!!  Is there anyone out there like me????? I must lead our church tomorrow and I feel so fatiqued!!!!! It will only get worse in the next few days and at 50 I have a new job.  I did not work while my son was young and he is in high school now and I took a job because my husband is so sick. I need to know there are women out there like me. PLEASE HELP ME


                                                   SOFMG

[sofmg]

I to know what you mean I have a very avtive life, lovely home great child and good husband , I certainly don"t look like an addict but I am and I feel great support here. But I now know I have one week clean and now I have to face why I used in the first place. My whole life by looking on the outside of me it seems like I have it all, but the truth is my insides don"t match my outside. I started at 18 taking pills because I never felt good enough about myself. Now at 50 I see the picture of what I did with my life just masked problems with opiates. The opiates always gave me what I was missing now I have to face these demons day by day and deal with them. I am still dealing with the withdrawls but I am forcing myself outside as much as I can, I took a nice walk last night and I have to say as much as I kept putting it off it really worked so I am going to do that again. I no longer hate myself because I am suffering from the disease of addication. What is sad is I feel I have lived a double life most of my adult life but I really want to be set free with no more plans around how many pills I have. I can't begin to tell you the prison that is. I know this is going to be a long road I have done this for 30 years, a few years clean here and there. I am just like all the new people here legs are still tingling and NO SLEEP!!!! I am also extremely hungry all the time. I am going to an AA meeting tonight because I can"t do this by myself my past shows that, my husband still does not know I am sure in time I will tell him but I promise you he thinks it is all about willpower not a disease. Mike I used the restful legs at work and I believe it helps. How did all of you deal with looking at yourselves once you were off opiates? I thought I looked good, was a great wife and mom on opiates I thought everything was just fine. Now I realize I was just numb and I was covering up ALL my feelings. I know have to face my husband's cancer he has to be checked every 3 months, he had an agressive cancer, the pills numbed all that. I know i have to face I was not that great person I thought I was. The one thing I know for sure is I really want this so off I go for my walk, then a hot bath, make dinner and I pray I feel better tomorrow because I work the rest of the week. Pariahs I know exactly how you feel, let me know how you are and I love everyone who has been helping me

                                        SOGMG

[shadow740]

First of all...you are not worse than the diabetic that sneaks cupcakes, or the heart patient who smokes or eats bacon.  You have an addiction.  You didn't commit mass genocide, you didn't rape anyone.  Forgive yourself or you won't be able to quit.

Take it one day at a time and always remember you are a good person with a disease--whether you believe you got yourself into trouble or not.  Jesus was not about blaming people for circumstances at all.  He was very cool, nonjudgmental, and forgiving.

Be like Jesus.

Now, be smart and go see a doctor.  All of the drugs you are taking to combat the addiction WD may be working against you.  Drug cocktails can screw up your liver.  Find a doctor who deals with drug addiction so they can do the right tests on you.

You can do it, sweets.

[Mike_B_]

I know the feeling.  I have been trying to taper some and even at that it's a struggle.  I take 10/500 4 a day of hydros.  And you know as soon as you start to taper you think how can just little taper cause me to start to feel like I am hurting more than usual.  I guess it's because I have been taking the same amount for so long.  This is more than I took when I first started taking it, but I guess I'm lucky that I can hold it to that amount.

But, then again I have been taking it for many years this way, and I am not going to be able to stop overnight.  I tried the benadryl  but it seemed to make me hyper rather than calm me down.  I guess everyone is different.  There are times when I think why not do one of those 10 day detox program and just get it out of my system, but I would have a hard time missing that much work, and what do you do about the pain that your taking them for anyway.  Good luck to you.

[PariahsEmpathy]

Dear Terry,

I understand, completely!  It has been an eight year journey for me, and never once had I thought of myself as an addict.  

I mean, how could I be?  I am a mother to four children who are very active in sports and their schools.  I have a lovely home, I have everything that I need, and want, I am married to a man who has an incredible job, and supports his family.  That is not a picture of an addict...or is it?  Of course it is!  We do not come in just one color, shape, size, gender, or from only one economic state.  

It has been one week since I have been able to call myself an addict.  The next thing to overcome, aside from the WD will be to learn how to be honest, with myself, my husband, and all of those who need to know my story.

How are you doing today?  What is your goal today?

Keep well, and do keep in touch.

MIKE B. The Hyland's Restful Legs I purchased today from the market.  I took some once I got home, and it eased some of what I was feeling.  I will continue to take them.  I have yet to take anything for sleep.  Tonight I think I will try taking two Benadryls.  I have in the past tried several different herbal supplements, none of which have worked for me.  I am hoping to get a good night sleep tonight.  Sleep is one of the most important things for me, when recovering from anything.

[Mike_B_]

I read your post.  Looks like its been about 9 days since you started.  How are you feeling?  I know some of us struggle so much with this and others can get right through it.  I was sick with cancer when I was in my early 20s and have had to use pain killers off and on for 30 years.  Doctors I go to tell me there is nothing they can do to help me.  I just suffer with the pain but I hate taking these dang pills.  I keep my dose at just what I am prescribed but even at that you know when it get close to refill time I'm counting just to make sure I am not going to come up short.  I can cut back if I have to so I don't run out but its a terrible way to live.  

A couple of questions for you.  Did the hyland restless legs help, and did you try any sleep aids?  The not sleeping and the restless legs are the worse for me.  My prayers are with you.  Lord give Terry the strength to make it though this trial and to give you the glory.

[sofmg]

My God we have so much in common, My mother was an addict and she also tried to commit suicide but her attempt failed she was in the hospital for one week after the attempt and she was so depressed because she lived after the attempt. She died a year later from a stroke but I saw her battle it all her life to, I swore I would not be like that but I am, I so loved her. I lost my dad 5 years ago and that left me alone, which is hard to bear in itself. I have been married for 28 years to a great man but I can't tell him now. He has battled cancer this year and he has so much on his plate I work but he is the pricipal money maker. I have tried to quit Lortab so many times I lost count but I am so tired of this life and the secrets I keep. I am so sorry for your parents . Please feel free to message me so we can help each other. I do love this site I believe it has been the most amazing way to connect with people like myself

                                               I am rooting for us both!!!!

                                                                                        Terry