day 17 clean Cant stop thinkin abt oxys

[tryinsohardtokickit]

I am so overwhelmed and consumed by the thought of relapse. My house is getting messy which I cannot stand and I need to goto the store for some household items. I am so sick of having no energy and feeling worthless like I Cant do things I normally would. I was supermom while on my oxys I was on top of everything full of energy and happiness. I know Thats so stupid but I just feel like this is all to much to handle being on my own with kids. Little understanding of What Im going thru from family members. They support me however they dont know what its like. They see mean and think Im fine its all in my head. I know its not all in my head this is real hell and a real daily struggle. Feeling so lost and alone:(.

[ricart70]

Hope you are feeling better today.

[needhelp144]

Btw try working out and getting in a routine a couple days a week to stay occupied yea it will be hard to push yourself at first but you'll feel satisfied in the long run.

[needhelp144]

You should be proud of yourself you made it 17 days that's great I know people that can't make it 72 hour and say that if they were able to make it 72 hours they'd be able to quit all together so in my experience you're doing great but like everything in life of course it will not be easy but like the saying goes "it gets better" you may not know me but I have faith in you to be the mom you want to be without the oxy's.

[frjs85]

Im right where you are. i was addicted to opaites also. I've been clean for 54 days and i can say that the urges will become less and less severe over time. I still deal with cravings today, but they are alot more manageable. And what you said about feeling like you could handle anything when on them. I used to be that way too. They made me more sociable was my crutch. Im in a recovery house right now, and im still falling back on my old behaviors. Isolation is my biggest one.  Even when we finally put down the pill, needle, drink the addiction unfortunately doesn't stop coming at us. All that pain i numbed out, it came at me way harder after i quit. I felt overwhelmed at times, like i didnt even know what to do! I've been dealing with pain by using drugs for a long time, so i don't know any other way. i could only speak for myself, but you need the comfort of someone who truly understands your pain, whether it be a therapist, other addict, family member, watever. When i speak to people who know my pain, they seem to know what to say to lead me in the right direction. Anyway just wanted to point out that i feel ur pain, and thank  you for posting.  

[OpenMind24hours]

I hear you about ppl who aren't addicts. I went to a new meeting back in the early 80s and it turned out to be a group therapy session run by a PHD who wanted his pts to listen to AAs share their stories along with his talks he gave. It quickly turned into an "outside Issue" thing and the meeting didn't last very long on the meeting list.

[vicki595]

I've learned not to expect anything from anyone who is not an addict themselves.  They will never understand what all of this feels like and the more they THINK they understand the worse it is!  I can't even stand their advice...it makes me want to scream! LOL

There's is no question it's enormously hard. But there's nobility in the fight and you WILL feel better. That's why we push aftercare so much here. We all need that support from others who've been there.

Aftercare is not just AA. I think it seems that way but there are other programs...You need to check around locally but certainly seeking out clergy, a therapist, a trusted friend, a mothers group, etc...is a help.   The point is to get to the reasons WHY we use. Swallowing pills is a symptom of something greater...

Stay close and try to stay in the moment!

[OpenMind24hours]

I hear you about living in the armpit of winter right now. I have all this ice fishing gear with big delicious Perch hitting in Lake St. Clair, about an 8 minute drive from here, and I just can't bring myself to go out there and freeze!

One of the good things is the fact that we CAN recover and we do. You will recover. You said you live paycheck to paycheck. In recovery we live from day to day. In one of my aftercare books it says: The past is done and can't be returned, the future is yet to come, so we do the best we can this day to stay clean and sober". Try to stay in the now and you'll be getting to bed tonight clean.  Any of us addicts are miracles when we get to bed clean tonight.

[tryinsohardtokickit]

Thank You all for the support and positive reinforcement. Im pushing through. 10 days ago I Didnt think I could make it 7 more but I have. So I guess I need to keep moving forward. I sure wish this freezin cold weather would let up some. It maked my bones ache to be in it. It does help only if I get out of the house. My house seems to depress me. Its tough for me to get out everyday. I live paycheck to paycheck. Gas is always an issue! Im gonna try to keep pushing thru but I am so scared for what my future holds. I Cant do this ever again and Thats all I know right now. I know my posts seem to be all over the place now. I used to be so good with my words and writing. But my heads a mess right now.

[T2112]

I'm tapering to quit so I cannot say I have experience with the feelings associated with relasping. I wanted to comment on your use of supermom while oxys. I 100% agree and had the same feelings as a superdad when taking way too may painkillers. I could be at work 60 hours per week, come home and be involved in both daughters sporting events, even to the point of developing and funding a travel team for girls who's parents could not afford the far too expensive costs of competitive travel sports. I was not only the organizer, I coached the team. I was in a band at the same time with weekly practices and then playing many weekends somewhere... and still had time to work around the house, go camping, etc. Then one day I noticed that I just didn't feel like playing music like I use to. It was easier to let someone else coach the team. Then it was easier to let someone else run the travel team organization. Then, after the expensive travel teams staring recruiting my daughter I caved and just paid the money because it was easier. There are so many things I passionately enjoyed that I haven't done in years. While I started taking pain medication for headaches I think the real benefit (at the time) was its affect on my intensity. After 12+ years that does not happen anymore.

Congratulations on Day 17!

[blotout]

thats energy will come back, give it time, i know exactly what your goin through i got 4 kids myself, and they are constantly hungry, needing diapers, making messes, and constantly getting into things they shouldnt be. give yourself credit some people cant do this by theirself, youve already conquered the worst of it with kids, i also feel like superdad when on pills, but then i think back to clean times and i never really was bursting with energy then, i believe exercise helps alot, i found the more i exercised the more energy i would get, not that i am now, the first time i came off pills years ago, congrats on Day 17, your doing great!!!

[OpenMind24hours]

Your honesty about exactly how you feel today is  a positive step. Thinking about our DOC is normal. Keep sharing the way you do. That's a perfect way to deal with it by getting with us other addicts. A problem shared is a problem cut in half. We have a saying in aftercare, "this too shall pass". Believe me it will. That feeling of worthlessness you mentioned - you just made it to 17 days, that's HUGE!  Being full of energy and happiness again will come naturally if you just give yourself more time to heal, just one day at a time. You and I both know from our recent experiences that turning back isn't an option. Using proved to be a dead end. To me using became a bog that I kept sinking deeper and deeper into. My supply became worthless. It quit working for me and I needed more and more to achieve the same effect; which was nothing like the early days. I kept chasing the buzz that was no longer available to me unless I got more somewhere. I have no control over using. I HAD to use.   So, going through the tunnel and out into the light of freedom became my best option. I don't know about you, but I don't want to do that all over again. It's a dead end and always will be.

Congratulations on day 17 Tryin! Keep posting like you do and stay active in the atmosphere of recovery. You're going to be okay.