Day 6

[Sydnie]

Hi I am on day six today off hydrocodone. I was taking up to 3 a day every day for the past 5 years. I had to quit for a couple of weeks every now and then, but I always knew there were more coming. Now I am trying to quit for good. I will have a prescription available to me on the 12th so I am very nervous about that. It is my mom's who I take care of. She doesn't need them only maybe once or twice a month does she take them. She has given me permission to use her meds only because I don't have insurance and I tell her I have pain all the time. I did have carpal tunel surgery a few years ago (that is how all this started) but I don't have the pain anymore. So I am basically lying to her when I call in her prescription every month.  She is 87 years old and very sweet and I am her primary caregiver. She would do anything for me if she could. I have been taking advantage of her. I tell myself that it could be worse, I could be on the streets doing drugs not taking care of my mother. I tell myself that I am the only one out of all my brothers and sisters (there are 7 of us) that is here taking care of her she has Parkinson's, dementia, and Congestive heart failure. So what if I take a pill to relax and catch a buzz!!! I deserve SOMETHING don't I ? I don't drink, I don't party, I don't have a boyfriend. ALL i have is my mom and a pill or two. But... I have decided that first of all, I love Jesus and want Him to be proud to call me His child second, I want to be healthy, third I am ashamed of myself and this time when I called in my mom's monthly prescription of pills, they wouldn't refill it because I was a week and a half too early. So that is really why I quit. But now that I went thru (still going thru) w/d I don't want to go thru that again. But when her prescription is ready, what do i do? I mean she doesn't need them really but every once in a while she does ask for one.  I can't tell her I am an addict, and I know that is what i should do. I don't want to upset her, and on top of that I  am ashamed. What I neglected to mention is right before I started taking the pills on a regular basis. I was on crack and marijuana. I was a closet user,  I didn't admit it to anyone until I got caught. This guy I was living with (also an addict) beat me up and the police came and some of my family was there and he told everyone that I was a "closet crackhead".  Everyone already knew he used but they didn't know that I was using with him, I used to blame all the times  that I was broke and borrowing money, on him.  What kind of person would do that? I still haven't totally came clean to everyone about that and that was over 5-6 years ago. I really do want to be clean though, I am just so alone, so alone. I keep praying though, I know if God can get me off crack and marijuana, He will get me thru this too. But it is hard when there are pills available. Not having any around, please!! No worries ! But after the 12th that is when the real test begins. Pray for me ya'll please, I will pray for ya'll too
Thanks

[ImGettingClean]

Sydnie,

Deep down, inside your heart, you know what thr right thing to do is...if you dont think your mom can handle it with her condition, than that's not an option.

Whatever means possible, you need to find a way to stay away from those meds. Look how far you've come already. You're realized you have a problem and now you are finding a solution. those are the two toughest steps in the recovery process. Sure the WDs are horrible, but, for one to realize they have a probelm and do something about it is the best thing they can do for themselves.

Good luck and keep posting...we're here for ya.

[Sydnie]

I think I am going to have to call her Dr. and get her something different.  I mean I  KNOW i have to call her Dr and get something different. But at this moment I really don't think I can do that. I keep thinking I don't have to make a decision til Friday. That is when the prescription can be filled. Man I am really obsessing on that date. I have got to do something before then. I don't want my mom to be upset and with her heart condition and her age, I don't think her hearing that I am addicted to pain pills and that she is my source is something she  would be able to handle. I think i will just try and do the right thing and call her dr's office tomorrow.

[worried878]

the rx is gonna be a trial..if it were urs i would say cancel it..but it is ur moms and she may need it...u could tell ur mom the truth so u can get some control and not take her pills...or call her dr and tell him she doesnt need as many as he is rx-ing..these things take lots of guts//to cut off supply..pills will sing to u in the night..is there any thing u can do to avoid filling that rx?  doesnt sound like ur mom needs them often so maybe just cut the rx to what she needs each mth for pain...she loves u and doesnt want to c u hurt..but at the same time she has no idea u r hurting urself worse by taking her pillls...gotta make it into a situation where u win..and that does not set u up for failure

[Ella789]

Your post breaks my heart as I know how the craves can be in the early stages of recovery!  I think everyone on these forums understand you feelings.  The only thing you can do is ask the pharmacy to give you half of the refil and keep the other on hold as you won't be so apt to use your mom's pill up and the pharmacy deals will make you have a consince abt. the other pills.  I just would make it harder to go get the pills when they are in the house.  Lock them up and you will have to think hard abt. it when unlocking them.   You just must make that commitment to yourself, it seems there is nothing else for you to do.  I wish you could find a dr. and get on an antidepressant,  I think depression makes us more the desperate while withdrawl and early recovery.  I am so sorry abt. your mom as I have an 83 yr old mom who loves me so much too.   Please post often,  read abt. the thomas recipe in the Health Pages and search these other posts on here to find what is helping others too.  

Big Hugs to you and God Bless you!

Ella

[cathy5841]

sydnie,  everyone here has done things we are not proud of to get our DOC, so we wont be judging you..i do think in orfer for youto be successful you will have to tell your mom or lock up the pills and give the key to someone else...very few addicts make it when their drug is available...you could just not fill it and leave the script on file at the pharmacy....if your mom needs it you can refill it then...this is a hard fight and you gotta work hard...but, if you were addicted to crack you know this...good luck and keep posting..