Aa
i am better, maybe
Okay. So i stopped on the 31st July. I went to far, considering the incident happende on the 9th July, so looking at that i cant believe i kept going for 3 more weeks - i just didnt bin it.
So it ran out, then i had the next court case to try and obtain some sort of sobriety which was yesterday the 10th July. I had to look better than i had been - forever everyone, my wife, my kids, my parents, the police, the magistrate - and i did - but these arent good reasons and today i feel so weak by the addiction. I feel it pulling me so hard i cant explain. Im sitting still but its like im at the top of a funnel and im beginning to spin down and around and faster and faster and down the drain. I am sitting here crying now cause the urge to get drugs is over whelming - to lie to everyone. The craving isnt pyhsical its just mental but its more powerful force than the pyhsical addiction for me.
Im afraid.
So it ran out, then i had the next court case to try and obtain some sort of sobriety which was yesterday the 10th July. I had to look better than i had been - forever everyone, my wife, my kids, my parents, the police, the magistrate - and i did - but these arent good reasons and today i feel so weak by the addiction. I feel it pulling me so hard i cant explain. Im sitting still but its like im at the top of a funnel and im beginning to spin down and around and faster and faster and down the drain. I am sitting here crying now cause the urge to get drugs is over whelming - to lie to everyone. The craving isnt pyhsical its just mental but its more powerful force than the pyhsical addiction for me.
Im afraid.
Travis, when I first saw your post last month I felt bad for you and reading the recent ones seem like you have made some progress but still hurting then the post 7hrs ago you are writing with calm fingers and explaining the situation much better! so to answer the question IF YOU are in bad shape YOU need to DETOX FIRST to be in the right state of mind for REHAB going to REHAB all stung out WILL NOT work so your doc was correct I wish you the best in your new journey you can do it ..
Hey Dude.....well I understand the anxiety about the meeting most people are fearful about the first meeting but most often feel welcome and at home....for the first time your secrets are safe and your with people that will understand what your going threw...I have been on this forum since October of 09 and can think of mabe a handful of people that had a negative response to the meetings most people feel right at home ....aftercare is critical you have less then a 10% chance of making it without aftercare n/a is more then just the meeting it is a whole new way of life it will teach you how to do life on lifes terms you have a lot going on here working the 12 steps will put your life back in order it will also show your wife your committed to getting well as you can already see the addict is alive and well in your head long after the drugs stop it is this thinking and behaviors that the progam address's right now your life is a mess but this is something pro active you can do to change that dont put it off until tomorrow google a N/A meeting near you and go with a open mind you will be welcome with a hug and the people truly care about your well being it is a simple step you can take to get your life back....if it works for a old dope fiend like me it will work for any one keep posting for support........Gnarly
Thanks very much for your words of advice. Im going to look up and go to AA or NA. See how that goes.
As for the answer to why the resistance. The reason is drugs comfort my loneliness that arises from my extreme anxiety. Just the thought of walking into the meeting has me anxious already, anxious/fearful that someone will say hello and i will have to say something. Then fearful that i wont say the right thing, or fearful i have to sit with a person either side of me making a quiet escape difficult. Fearful, that im might have to say hi my name is Travis.
Drugs comfort the fact that i go out of my way to avoid the unknown, comfort my fear that is completely unnnatural and debilatating - but its not there everyday...To get a hair cut, i have to walk past the saloon once have a look....think ok i should be able to get in there doesnt seem like theres many chatty people in there and will turn around and walk back towards the hair cut saloon, and enter - sometimes i dont and leave it for another day. Drugs allow me to be alone
As for the answer to why the resistance. The reason is drugs comfort my loneliness that arises from my extreme anxiety. Just the thought of walking into the meeting has me anxious already, anxious/fearful that someone will say hello and i will have to say something. Then fearful that i wont say the right thing, or fearful i have to sit with a person either side of me making a quiet escape difficult. Fearful, that im might have to say hi my name is Travis.
Drugs comfort the fact that i go out of my way to avoid the unknown, comfort my fear that is completely unnnatural and debilatating - but its not there everyday...To get a hair cut, i have to walk past the saloon once have a look....think ok i should be able to get in there doesnt seem like theres many chatty people in there and will turn around and walk back towards the hair cut saloon, and enter - sometimes i dont and leave it for another day. Drugs allow me to be alone
When we're addicted & trying to get & stay clean, one of the most important things we can do is look @ what we're resisting & ask ourselves: 'Why is that?'
Do you think you could answer that for us? Why you're resisting the idea?
Do you think you could answer that for us? Why you're resisting the idea?
Have you tried to look up any meetings in your town??Both AA/NA are Great. Also you can call some of the Churches, they too have meetings.
I have slacked a bit since my Health issues, but it is time to re-group back. Support is the KEY to Recovery. Call around for meetings and GO!! I will see you at 7pm..ha!
I have slacked a bit since my Health issues, but it is time to re-group back. Support is the KEY to Recovery. Call around for meetings and GO!! I will see you at 7pm..ha!
I think what she meant was im not ready for rehab..though she did say at the end she would book me in......She started saying im still on my journey.....i said no im not, i want help, i know i like drugs.......If you say, "i like drugs", does that mean your not ready for rehab - i wont that thought erased from my mind....I spoke to phone counsellor after the person counsellor still trying to understand what this rehab is about.......To be honest if i can say to myself i dont like drugs-----i dont need rehab - i can get off it, i have that will power....My will power is lost because my best and only friend is drugs..Yes its a stupid way to think i know.........but is this whats keeping me out of rehab----------i want rehab to fix these brain thought that i have carried for the past 25 years; "i love drugs i am a drug addict'--but apparently if thats you thought process than rehab isnt right?
Im lost
Im lost
I was wondering the same thing about the Rehab??
You have to REALLY want this..It takes so much work to stay clean. Time & Patience always. The BIG thing is SUPPORT! This is not a "ME" thing but a "WE" thing now. The "ME" gets us in trouble all the time.
I am a Addict in Recovery now for the past 3yrs next month. I had to UP, Add, Seek and Change my support system around so many times depending on what Life has tossed at me. Try to RE-DIRECT your thinking. LOTS of changes and behavior changes have to be made. It is not just going to come from someone else, YOU have to be willing and ready to work hard! I wish you all the best!
Bless
You have to REALLY want this..It takes so much work to stay clean. Time & Patience always. The BIG thing is SUPPORT! This is not a "ME" thing but a "WE" thing now. The "ME" gets us in trouble all the time.
I am a Addict in Recovery now for the past 3yrs next month. I had to UP, Add, Seek and Change my support system around so many times depending on what Life has tossed at me. Try to RE-DIRECT your thinking. LOTS of changes and behavior changes have to be made. It is not just going to come from someone else, YOU have to be willing and ready to work hard! I wish you all the best!
Bless
Exactly what Danny says is what I'm trying to say. Just WALK into an AA and/or NA meeting and listen. They tell you what's going on. You should NOT be waiting until thursday to do this. Your situation is dire and yoy need support asap.
Why on earth your counselor said you don't need rehab is beyond me. Perhaps she/he meant you are not 100% willing to do whatever it takes? I don't know.
Why on earth your counselor said you don't need rehab is beyond me. Perhaps she/he meant you are not 100% willing to do whatever it takes? I don't know.
There are AA and NA meetings numerous times a day in numerous locations. If you can't get into an inpatient facility right away you can go to as many of those meetings as you like free of charge.
If you'll listen to the advice of the folks you're talking with on here, and act on it, you'll be able to get the help you need.
If you'll listen to the advice of the folks you're talking with on here, and act on it, you'll be able to get the help you need.
The counselor last week...said i wasnt ready for rehab....i dont know what she meant.....i was trying to understand if there was a difference in detox and rehab...but she said she will book me in to rehab at the end...i mean is rehab different to detox...i was offerred 7days early on...but i knocked it back, thats why i ended up with the counsellor...i got no idea..there the experts...i am telling them help me
I have been to counsellor from cohealth. For one session. Next session is this thursday 1.30. I try to make it till then.. im pretty sure I will. Just got to get through tomorrow. I dont know what else to do..i dont know..i just dont have the confidence to go to these places and say what... help?
Why have you not heeded the advice given to you over and over? I see you asking for help, we give it, and you don't take it.
We told you, you must get into inpatient. If this is completely impossible, you must go into an AA or NA meeting immediately and do whatever you are told.
Are you willing to do either of those?
We told you, you must get into inpatient. If this is completely impossible, you must go into an AA or NA meeting immediately and do whatever you are told.
Are you willing to do either of those?
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I'm glad you posted again. You're NOT alone. The feelings you're experiencing are completely normal (albeit awful) for a struggling addict.
It's really important for you to be proactive right now! What my mate VICourageous, above said in her 2nd paragraph is so True!
We hear you -- all of us -- & we do understand your agony, fear, ambivalence, weakness, fuzzy thinking, etc.
There isn't a single person on this site who didn't grapple with the main demon your grappling with right now. It's Always more of a psychological addiction than a physical addiction! That's the whole point & it's a good sign that you recognize this (some others don't 'til after they kick). That's what makes it so hard to stay away. The other thing that we've got to get through our thick heads (& this applies to anything in life) is that NOTHING will change until we commit ourselves to an 'excuse-less' full-fledged effort.Why? Simply because, that's what it takes, mate! :)
I know that you feel helpless right now. Drugs do that to you. We cede control & responsibility for so much in our lives when we're in active addiction & we end up losing our 'coping' chops (if we ever had them). Not dealing w/ stuff & being helpless is a habit in itself. In order to break any pattern, we have to make a concerted effort -- to swim against the tide over & over in terms of thought & action until the new way of thought & action replace the old as a better habit.
Here's a for instance: your counselor (inexplicably) told you you're not ready for rehab (which is a stunning statement if that's what she said). Because this is your life & you can't afford to be helpless anymore, your first question should have been: 'Why? Please explain it to me'.
The general difference between detox & rehab is that detox is more medically oriented & involves an inpatient stay to get the poison out of your system. While there may be meetings/counseling @ a detox, it's often 'light'. Rehabs are usually of longer duration & focus on counseling/meetings & practical plans for your future. Rehab would keep you safe & give you the time, space & education you need. (None of this, of course, explains her statement).
When I mentioned being proactive what I meant was; If your 'counselor' won't send you to rehab, send yourself! You don't necessarily need her. If one door doesn't open, don't just give up! This is too important. Let's do the research & get you into one ASAP. It'll be a relief -- honestly! No laptops, etc (temptation) -- other people who understand what you're going through, rest, reflection, peace, clarity -- a new direction for your life & the tools to protect it. Sound good? If so, let's do it, my friend.
I just read your other post but will respond here. Once again, you're not alone. I'm not sure if you're truly bipolar as your mum 'diagnosed' you but it sounds like you might be self-medicating (hey, we all were in one way or another). So, this is another thing that you might be able to address in rehab; there'll be Drs. there. You can explain what you did to us about your phobia. You'll finally get a proper diagnosis or be sent for one & sort through this tangled mess that's cost you so much. From there you can decide whether it requires medication, therapy or whatnot (& hey! It's not 'mental asylum' stuff to have an imbalance like bipolarism). It's 'mental asylum' stuff to do nothing about your addiction as you stand teetering looking down into that 'funnel' you mentioned in your newer post.
Sorry, I didn't respond to your messages. You weren't very coherent & you didn't seem to be picking up on what I & others had attempted to convey. So, I decided it was wiser to wait until you were more clear-headed & posted again. I gotta' say, I was pretty happy to see that you had & that you haven't used since the 31st! Well done! I'm also glad to see you opening up & listening a tad more.Your confusion & fear are palpable & I have every sympathy but you gotta' fight it dude!
The future can look so very different if you want it to! You've just got to grab a hold, not allow yourself to wear your phobias or addiction as an excuse not to change. You CAN do this. We have a highly respected member who had the mood disorder you mentioned. He kicked in a desperate situation after many attempts. He understood finally that he was going to die if he didn't. He did EVERYTHING he had to make it work. You can shine like that, but first, you've got to change your thinking. You've got to start telling yourself it's possible. You've been strong in other areas of your life before, right? Determined? This is no different when it comes to self-belief -- in taking steps! First, (at least it was first in my case) you've got to stop using your past, your phobias & your addiction as an excuse to not act. As habitual as it is for you to feel out-of-control & powerless, you must break the habit of giving up & giving in. If you let the waves & tides buffet you about like rudderless flotsam, you'll never get to any of the places you'd like to in life but I guarantee you'll eventually wash up in the most desolate of places.
Time to start taking the reins to your own life, eh? It may be scary but you can do this. One foot in front of the other -- minute by minute -- hour by hour. Baby Steps! For instance, have you done a search for rehabs around you or meetings? There's no reason to be fearful of meetings, you don't have to speak. Just go in, sit down & LISTEN -- no one will point a finger @ you -- judge you or anything like that. I believe that what you'll hear, you'll probably be able to relate to. You'll be welcome there -- I promise.
We're with you -- you've got friends :)