i cant do this anymore

[loni00]

I have beenon the program for about 12 yrz....i am only 25......started off on the methadone and am now on 28ml of suboxtone. After many MANY previous attempts of getting myself free.....i am ready to try again. I have a 2 yr old lil girl that i have NO energy for at all......I am felling solost tho now i have attempted this before about 6-7 times with no sucess so they have put me on a very hard dose to come down from,almost like they do want me to b on it for the rest of my life. i hate this...it does not even stop the withdrawals anymore....as if by body is now just re-jecting it all. i dont sleep, hardly eat and feel ill all the time. how much should i start coming down and how often....i need to get myself to point that they'l will accept me into yet another detox/re-hab.......i cant do this alone....but i dont want to b here forever.....please help.i am hearing people saying they're on half a tab and small amounts..........and that that is hard enough....how am i ever going to do this....and i really dont want anymore habits...???

[mr.lucky66]

Are you saying that someone put you on methadone when you were 13? This is too hard to believe and These systems of methadone and sub can be helpfull but I think they are now badly broken and out of control and getting people more addicted in an attempt to attain "harm reduction' or "repacement therapy". Methadone  in the 70's and 80 when I first got on it, was harder to get on and there were less clinics and lower doses. Now just about anyone can get on it on whatever dose they want, the sky's the limit. Same with sub. It may help to keep some people out of jails or institutions but the price is high. all the best

[viclon]

Hi loni
just a thought, maybe don't worry about getting clean, just get stable.

[Ali1226172]

Ten years of hell and ten more to come if you don't get it in you head that YOU CAN ABSOLUTELY DO THIS!!  Just think after you taper from the methadone and get yourself into a rehab you can begin to heal and be free from this for the rest of your life!! Your daughter needs you- this time you are fighting for TWO lives and I know you can do this! Heroine is the dam devil and no longer will it dictate how I live my life (I was on roxy/oxy but its almost the same).  You need to do anything and everything you can to stop those addict thoughts that we all have! Trust me this is sooooooooo much more mental than anything else.  We all have had the flu or been sick at some point in our lives and somehow we recovered right??? Well that is all this is if you can kill the mental thoughts than all you have to do is recover from a three day "flu", and YOU CAN DO THAT and I'm sure you have done it before!!  I will keep you in my prayers along with everyone else on here fighting to be free from drugs! We are all worth so much more!  You have a little angel in your life now who needs your love and YOU NEED HERS!  Hold her close and let her guide you out of this self-created hell we are all trapped in... You are in my prayers and your little girl too! :)
Good luck, keep in touch
Lots of love, ALi

[viclon]

YES YOU CAN. I am on 10mg of bup although I have been taking extra cause I feel crappy then have to go and buy extra. I came to the realisiation the I am using the bup to help me feel better but I have to put in the work. I have but on weight and feel sluggish all the time. So today I only took 8mls.
I found the website yesterday and i feel this will make all the difference I know don't have to hold in my secrets and that by typing in my words someone is reading and people respond someone cares as they feel what you are going through. So maybe now you may start to feel more positive as this time you have support through this site. Loni To be honest you are on a high dose I am sure its holding you but your thoughts are telling you its not enough. Just as i said I have been taking extra bup but I realsie I have to put in the work, change my thoughts. The fact you realsie you are not happy and your reaching out, I am sure it will be different this time. Try reducing a little each week, each day acknowledge your efforts. Today for instance I took 8 mls, I have extra but I'm not going to take it, so by the time I go to bed I will be so proud of myself knowing that I could have taken more, but didn't. I hope this helps.  Keep using this site and the journal your not alone.

[broadindaylight]

Hi Loni,

Please let your doc know how you're feeling. There's always hope for us even when we feel we can't possibly take another step.

Also please keep in mind how hard something like smoking is to quit. I'm always seeing ads about how many attempts it takes a smoker before he/she truly quits. I would imagine kicking drugs, specifically Rx drugs, would be just the same, if not harder. Keep working out, and I would also suggest going to an AA group if you're comfortable with that. I found NA to be really intense but have occasionally gone to AA (I've been on meds for chronic pain for many years). And I also agree that rehab would be a great resource for you, where you can focus solely on yourself and getting better!

Best of luck to you, loni.

[dominosarah]

Does your doctor know that this dose is not working?  I hope you can get into rehab soon.  sara

[fogmussher]

They keep saying a lot of it is in your mind and at your age I would think that is the case. I'm 54 and been at this most of my life so I pray you don't waste any more of your life as I did. It only gets worse not better. It gets harder as you get older I so wish I had stayed done with it all the first go around. when I was your age. Now I'm phisycally broken from it all and have deep regret and PAWS to contend with.