i know ur all probably done with me but....

[BeyondScrewed]

Haven't posted in awhile due to my shame. On my last post was a comment about how I'm using this site as a crutch and that is so true and I'm sorry. I wanted my next post to say how good I was doing, unfortunately that's not the case.
In the last 5 months I have tapered down a huge amount 3 different times, but each time it get messed up because I start smokin again. The stupid thing is, I think sometimes it actually makes me feel worse. Yet I still continue to do it. Its the actuall physical act of smoking that I think is so addictive to me
Anyone who has been caught in the merry go round trap of smoking opiates, PLEASE tell me how u stopped. I am desperate. At the end of my rope. Hate myself. Hate my life. Hate what ive become. Hate waking up in the morning.

[YesLife4Me]

Hey There!  As I was told last week when I came back on here full of guilt and shame....relapse is part of recovery.  I had to learn something from it and perhaps that is what is happening for you too.   Are you done now?   Let's get you through wd first.   Im back on day 7 again...so follow me!

[maria920]

Hey!! I've been looking for ur posts but couldn't seem to find them now I kno y. If u truly want to b clean and b done then I'm sure everyone here will help u with tht! U already kno the hard work and determination it takes to get and stay clean so if ur ready then that's great! Congrats on realizing u need to stop. U will get thru this good luck!

[dominosarah]

We can talk till we are blue in the face and tell you what works but it is up to you to stop this insanity.  I am sorry you are still struggling with this but i am glad you are still waking up in the morning.......Your time is running out.

[bahamamama13165]

Never stop trying. There are people that relapse frequently and one day they have had enough and take the steps to full recovery.  It's really hard.  I'm a chronic relapser and it's so hard not to be filled with guilt and self hate.  Don't let anyone's negativity keep you from this site or any other support group you can find.  Personalities sometimes get in the way.  You should try to get to an NA meeting or some other recovery group you jive with.  The more sober supportive people in your life the better.

[Gtowngirl]

You have to answer this question before u can move on to the next step. ARE U READY TO STOP SMOKING OR TAKING DRUGS? If u are then u first have to get rid of all your pips, foil and any and all drugs around you. I through my glass pipe in a dumpster and made sure it shattered so I wouldn't go dig for it to see if there was any resin left to smoke. I smoked speed for a long time and haven't touched it now in over 12 yrs. I know what u mean by being addicted to the smoking part. I can't really talk about it still but do remember the thick smoke coming out of my mouth and loving it. U have to get rid of anything u can make a pipe out of. And if u are getting pills u need to get them out of your house. And do not call or answer the phone to any connections u have. And if u tell me more details of what u smoke or what drug behaviors u have I will try to help u stop this merry go round. Be honest and really want to stop and get help other than this site, and u can do this. It sounds like u had a bad experience last time u posted, but I'm new to this site and iam clean and willing to help support u if I can. You are welcome to PM me anytime and I will be here if u need me. I have done every drug and have put it in my body many diff. Ways. So even if I didn't smoke my pain meds, I still can understand your addiction and drug of choice. I'm gtowngirl and would love to help u anyway I can. There are many people on here who helped me and If I can help others I will. And helping you helps me in my recovery. Tell me more about yourself and your addiction and I will be checking on u often...good luck and I'm here if u need me.~gtowngirl~

[IBKleen]

I do get tired of suggesting things and you have not tried any of what I have suggested or anybody else on here. It hurts me to see you go through this again and again and it scares me as well. But I believe there is always hope and I was where you are and one person saw what I see in you and helped me get clean. I think it is time for you to trust someone, anyone, who has been where you are and is now on the other side. Addicts helping addicts is the way to go.

First and foremost, you have to come to grips with the fact that you CANNOT do this alone. You need help and I don't mean from here on the internet. I mean in person. My doc is Heroin and I was an IV drug user for many years. I was just as addicted to the method as I was the drug.

I think you need in-patient treatment. Your mind and your spirit are broken and your body is not far behind. If you don't seek treatment I fear you will not be with us much longer. Either you will take your life or the drug will. Either way it would be a shame. I think you are a good person underneath all that is going on.

The last time I made this suggestion you had a hundred excuses--your job, your kids, your wife, etc. It's time to stop all of that and get the help you need. You job, your kids and your wife will mean nothing when they are putting flowers on your grave.

If you want to know more about treatment centers and how they work, which ones are good, etc. just ask.

I'll pray harder for you as I have done all along. I hope you make it this time buddy.

[tim9944963]

IBKleen is speaking absolute sense and the truth and it is what you need to hear. When I reached the "end of my rope" after 25 years of addiction, misery and destruction, I had only two choices left in the end get help or die. I chose life the best decision Ive ever made . I ve got my health back, my beautiful family back and Im back at work. Yes it was the hardest thing Ive ever done in my life but also the greatest thing and the bravest. Please make the right choice , choose life!! I will be praying for you god bless.

[clean_in_ks]

You're back.  And you're still resisting.  And you must want some help or you wouldn't be back.. MANY of us invested time, love,
suggestions, advice, on and on to you in Oct.  Here's one of your last posts that you ought to re-read and ALL the answers you were given then:

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/i-just-dont-get-it/show/1833981#post_8467281

The POWER OF CHOICE REMAINS YOURS!!  You must want to live but we all fear you will kill yourself before you choose to get some help.

You are a valuable man.  You are loved.  But no one can DO it for you.

[gnarly_1]

HI looks like you got yourself in a real jam...time to do the next right thing no one here is saying it will be ez but it is doable we had a member named James that smoked heroin for 13yrs it toook him a few trys bt he got clean now rather then fear the withdrawals embrace them you will be sick for 4 or 5 days but in the end with a program like N/A you can put your addiction in remission going to take work and an every day commitment but remember we go to the dope man every day so time to switch up priority's YOU CAN DO THIS if you try i agree with IBk in pacent would be best but if you cant comit to that give it a go on your  own no tapering just go for it good luck and God less.....Gnarly    

[ImDONENoMore]

I'm relieved to see you come back, beyond.  That means you're still with us.

And it also means you want to try again.  That's great.  Please, you need to keep posting, it's near impossible to help you when you post once and then not return.  We're here, beyond.  You need to be too.

[LeaAnn807]

IBK speaks the truth here.  You have to really want to stop this crap before anything will work, listen and TAKE advice, admit you can't do it alone and get help with it!  Seriously, trying won't work....not alone anyway.  Been there.  Done that.  Don't work.  I could write a bestseller.  No kidding.  I'm not judging you, but want to ask you something I was asked by my daddy not long before I quit.  How many times is it going to take you before you realize that you have to change or die?  You have to humble yourself and ask for help, besides just here.  IBK said you need treatment, and I believe that 100%!  You "can" do this.  The question is, "will you this time?"

[IBKleen]

I promised myself that I would not comment again but I also can't help myself. Just like every other time you have posted since June, you post and then don't return to hear what people have suggested to you. It is simply bewildering to me. Are you ever going to surrender or take the cotton out of your ears?

Einstein had one of my most favorite quotes "The definition of insanity is doing the dame thing over and over and expecting different results".....

[BeyondScrewed]

Wow. ;-/
I was really scaref to come back here. But u all are truly amazing. Ive gotten rid of everything wherr I'm staying that I can think of that I cud smoke with. I know that three days, not even drug free, but w/o smokin makes such a difference in my perception of happiness. When i get to that point i almost sometimes think its possible. To b happy again. I posted this morning after I had again, woken up in wd's and went str8 for the foil. So, mon tues wed are gonna suck. Thursday I pray to be posting sayin I'm on day 4 smoke free. Last time I did that I was able to taper rather quickly and successfully, but eventually went back to the foil. I got a picture of my son in his xmas outfit from last year. I will not ruin his life. Or mine. Or xmas this year. I will not. Thank u. All. I will let u know how I'm doing tommirow.  Probably terrible, but I think I'm mostly drivin for work tommoeow

[Frickazee]

Don't be ashamed bro. Relapse is part of the process for some. Hang in there!

[ImDONENoMore]

Does this mean you're not using at all?  Or just not smoking?  I didn't understand.  (thank you for posting!)

[clean_in_ks]

Post EVERY DAY.....OK?  And as many diff drugs as you've been putting in your body, why is it out of the question to get some help?
ASKing......that's HUGE.......if you don't have the time to get some help NOW, when will you HAVE the time?

[Gtowngirl]

I just read your old posts...wow...ummm....good luck to you and I hope u make it this time. I will say this... reading all of that makes me remember how out of control it can get. Your posts give me more reason to be thankful of where iam today. It might not be perfect but it sure could be worse...I'm going to be reading your posts but I'm not going to comment anymore. You need someone with a lot more clean time than me. I don't even know what to say...I'm going to a meeting now....good luck

[LeaAnn807]

Ok, we expect an update and clear us up on.....are you not smoking it anymore or not taking any at all?  You KNOW that if you're still keeping it around, you will end up back down the same road, right?  You can't just "switch modes" of using and hope for the best.  I mean, I guess it's better to swallow them than smoke.  IDK?  I think you should just DO IT!  Right now. Just quit and be over it.  You know that you can!  

[BeyondScrewed]

I know I can. I don't know why I'm so scared. Well actually I do. 24 hours with nothing and I'm in living hell. Skin craeling so bad that I cant sit still for more than 5 seconds. 48 hours. Of that getting increasingly worse on days 2 n 3......I just cant fathom that. Now I know I'm on a larger dose than most, but my utmost respect to nyone that has done it.
So, to clarify, no more smoking to start. Is that the best thing? Idk. But its whays happening. My sister n bro in law have my pills with instructions to give what's prescribed. I tested her today, trying to get more and she refused. So I'm good there. Headrd into store right now to get my suppliments.
also had a chat with mom. She doesn't know everything, noone does.....noone, but this is my last chance on my own. I have the # and have already spoken to a suboxone doc. I hooe I don't have to do it that way, but if I do I do
I will post sometime b4 noon tommorow.
I'm so sorry u feel that I'm using you/this site. I want to succeed so badly that I cry almosr on a daily basis, and I am NOT a cryer.
nyway, gotta go. Takin my son to see xmas lights :-)

[ImDONENoMore]

This plan sounds exactly like your last one.  Beyond, you gotta do something different this time.  I promise you, you CAN'T do this alone, like you stated.  Not possible.  You need to re-think this plan and either get to a meeting or find some other form of support/treatment, whether that's an addiction counselor, a therapist, a Dr., whatever, to help you through this.  Something HAS to be different.  Please listen to what you're saying.

[Gtowngirl]

To beyond; I feel I got scared when I read your old posts. And the reason I don't feel comfortable commenting or trying to help is because I can tell by your last post your still getting very high. I'm not going to say I won't comment at all, but just throughing the foil away and saying your not going to smoke it, doesn't help u at all. You still can pop those pills in your mouth and get high. I see everyone repeating themselfs already, they are giving u great advice and u are not litening and your going to burn your bridges fast on this site. You can not taper down, it won't work. Maybe u do need the suboxin or methadone. Idk? I know u need help. And I hope u get it. If not for yourself than do it for your son. And it also scares me u are around your son high and are u driving him around high? I hope u stop doing this over and over again. Break the cycle and go get help...Angels be with you and your son.  

[BeyondScrewed]

You were all right. I am joking myself. Making excuses. I called 5 sub doctors this morning and none of them will see me because I'm taking ativan and lyrica. So now............

[bahamamama13165]

I think tapering down is not something most addicts can do.  You need your drug of choice as far from you as you can get.  Be careful with Ativan, my doctor prescribed me that to help get off alcohol and I ended up way worse off.  I got so addicted to those pills I had to go inpatiantbis rehab.  Btw, I don't know how old your son is but if he's under 7, there are rehabs that will take both of you. I'm not going to judge you or be harsh.  I know what an insidious disease addiction is.  after, I can out of rehab I got hooked on OTC couch meds.  Addiction is evil, you have to be vigilant against.  It has to be your first priority.  I didn't set up after care, once I was out of rehab so that was my downfall. Now, I'm reaching out again.  Getting with my sponsor, going to meetings, finding other DXM abusers online, etc.  It's work but it's worth it!

[BeyondScrewed]

Well, luckily my current ativan prescription is for only 1.5 mg a day, and usually I only take 1. I have beaten a very evil benzio addiction before. I was prescribed 6 mg ativan perday and on top of that I wud take 1-4 mg xanax. It took me awhile but I got clean from benzos. So y did I start taking them again?
I'm an addict.
I can beat the ativan again, just sux cause I was ready to give in and goto the next available appointment with a sub Dr. Now I cant. None of them will even see me until I'm off. I figure that will take about a month.